Friday, October 22, 2010

Someone Took The Time To Care

For some reason I felt the need to share this. It might be "Triggering" and a bit graphic , so please take care of yourself first. I guess I'll just start at the beginning. At they very young age of 4, my mother was on her 3rd marriage. She chose to leave her first three children with my Grandmother. My mother chose this man over her own children. I am grateful to this day for Grandmother. She was a very "religious" person. I believe her faith was genuine, but far too controlled by the fear of "sinning". I remember so many things that she consider sin. You had to wear only dresses if you were a girl. You never cut your hair. Dancing was definitely of the devil. Just too many rules and no no's and very little joy. I believe she tried to do her best however.

My stepfather was a cruel, mean,alcoholic, and perverted. Part of the time my mom would take me over to her house and he would touch me in ways that were very inappropriate. I was so young when this started( 4-5 years old). It seemed I was scuffled from house to house and no one really wanted me. I so disparately wanted someone to want me. As I grew older my stepfather's "foundling" became more aggressive and he would penetrate me with his hands and other objects.

At a very young age I started having "black outs" or began to dissociate. This would happen while he was hurting me and also at other times when I was in school. In the first grade I often would just walk out of school without remembering why or how I had done it. It was a different time when I was a child. No one questioned the parents, you were just labeled a "bad" child. We were all severally beaten when we were children leaving marks on our bodies that no one ever questioned.

"Very Triggering"
The first very brutal rape I remember I was about 10 years old. I had did something " wrong" (put on a bathing suit and went swimming with some friends) My stepfather and my mother picked me up and beat me severely. I was then taken to their house. He told me he was going to teach me a lesson about "what happens to little sluts". I was tied hand and foot to the bed and repeated raped. I remember there being so much blood. I keep blacking out to endure the pain. After that time when ever I had to go to their house there was the chance I would be rapped again. This continue for several years. He was getting bolder and even would rape me at my Grandmother house in the basement.

My first suicide attempt was when I was about 12 years old. I took a razor and deeply cut my arms. The scars remain today. They took me to a doctor and told them I had fallen and cut myself during the fall. Still no one questioned what was going on. This is also about the time I started having problems with food and the beginnings of my eating disorder.

To make a long story short the abuse continued until I was about 16 years of age. He died of liver disease from his drinking. I had a mental "break down" when I was 18 and I totally blacked out my past. I do believe my inner child died at that time. I moved away from home and in my own mind I was a virgin again.

I next met a man that showed some interest in me. We were soon married and his true nature came out. He was very abusive and would beat on me repeatedly. He was also sexual inappropriate but I did not recognize the signs. I continued to black outs and dissociate. We had two children which later after we were divorced he confessed that he"may have molested" them. He called me at work and told me he and his new wife had been arrested for molesting their daughter. They are both in prison now.

I had been hospitalized several times for depression and my black out at this time. I wasn't attending a church at this time but a co -worker that knew I was having problems suggested I talk with her pastor. I went to see him and did everything possible to make the man dislike me.
Knowing he was pastor I said horrible things about "how if there was a God then he most be totally evil not to care about the children in the world". Pastor Randy didn't correct me or tell how wrong I was to think such things.We met several time before I walked in to his church on a Sunday morning. As time went on I continue to talk with him. He knew I was a single mom and would come over to my house to help fix things and help with the yard work. He really lived what he talked. Finally he left the church to work in another part of the state. We still keep in touch. He even came back in town to help me when Chris died. He did his memorial service too. I do believe Randy saved my life. I miss him so much even though we continue to talk monthly.

I continue to fight depression. I most likely always will. I sometimes have very dark thoughts. I sometime want to die to find some peace. I'm in therapy and on medicine. I am still very wounded. I'm having less dissociation than I used to. I have to admit I did it quite frequently after Chris' death. I'm glad the "caring for others" has never died in me. Believe me when I say I know I'm not totally well. Maybe some of my thinking is all messed up, but that OK too. Maybe someday I will be able to help "the little girl inside me." I do hope so. I am so thankful that someone took time to care about me! That is my goal in life to reach out and care for those who so desperately need someone to care about them.


Gaia said...

Wanda, big hugs. God loves you... we love you. Take good care.

Just Be Real said...

Wanda, thank you for taking the time to share this painful post. Here listening dear one.

Denise said...

Thanks for sharing, I am sure this will help alot of people. I love you.

June_Butterfly said...

I wish someone had come for you sooner.I am not normally a violent person,but with all my being I hate those people who came to this world disguised as humans when they are nothing but monsters to be slaughtered!

Take comfort with the knowledge that you are victorious among all these for you had the courage to share and to rise above all your pains.

You are not alone.Remember that,always!BIG BIG HUG!!

Anonymous said...

The only reason they seem like monsters is because they too experienced some type of abuse and unfortunately did not receive the help they needed. People are not monsters. The devil is the only monster.

Wanda, this must have been very difficult to share. The key is to forgive and that's not a feeling but a choice. It is a choice for yourself, for your own freedom and one that is only possible through Christ. I pray that He enables you with all that you need for full healing and restoration. In Him, you are new and apotless.

Always in my prayers as your daughter is too. Much love.

Anonymous said...

Wanda, thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this post. I'm so sorry so many people have let you down. You deserve so much better than you were given.

I really admire your strength to keep on going even if at times your thoughts are dark. Sometimes it feels like hanging on is the best we can do, right?

Please know that I care about you.

Wishing you well,

Wonderingsoul said...

Dear Wanda,
I have no right to do so but I want so much to apologise on behalf of everyone who let you down when you were so young.
I'm not only 'sorry' that you had to go through this, I'm utterly disgusted and angry.
It's all very well telling someone that they have to forgive, but how do you ever get over such things as you have suffered?

I'm so glad you felt able to share this stuff and I hope that it brings some relief.

I apologise on behalf of all the teachers that didn't notice what was going on in your life. We were negligent and let you down.

I wish I could spend some time withyou and let yo know just how muh I think you deserve some peace and some genuine love and care.


MOLLYE said...

Wanda tho we are miles apart, you have been such a sweet friend and inspiration to me and to my kids during our time of grief and I'd like you to know I hold you in my heart and would hold you in my arms if I was there as a sister in Christ and I will pray for you to continue to grow and heal and know peace. Love, Mollye

Ethereal Highway said...

You don't have to forgive.


OHN said...

I think I ended up here through Dr. Deb's blog.

I just wanted to let you know that there really are good people in the world and people that truly would help you (as the pastor did). You have had so much trauma from the beginning of your life that you may not know how many people could help you now.

Please continue to talk, and share your sadness. It really does help.