Therapy Can Be Painful

Today was a very painful day in therapy. We talked about my Mom and how much different she was than me. We talked about how she would abandoned us for months at a time and leave us with my Grandmother. We talked about how she allowed my step dad to molests my sister and I myself. The abuse really causes me to have trust issues after all these years.
We talked about how I show signs of self hatred and how difficult it is for me to think that anyone could really like me. We talked about how losing Chris shattered my brief that being "good" was rewarded in life. We talked a little about God. Her views are totally different than mine, but that's OK. We talked about how bad things can happen regardless of whether you are a good person or not. I got her e-mail address to contact her if I need her between session. I can not believe I got the nerve to ask for it, but I did it.

Painful as it was I think we made some head way on me accepting myself as a lovable person.

Hurts When Your Kids Hurts

Right now I wish I had a magic wand to take away some of Alice's pain. I can not even find the right words to say to inspire some hope in her heart. Believe me I know the feelings of hopelessness. She is so young to have to battle with this disease. Depression really s**ks. I have lived with it all my life and can see the hopelessness it brings.

 I wonder why some brains are chemically the way they are. Here are some command symptoms of depression:

• Constant sadness
• Irritability
• Hopelessness
• Trouble sleeping
• Low energy or fatigue
• Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
• Significant weight change
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest in favorite activities

That is no way to have to live. Alice if you do read this know I love you and wish I could make it better for you. Struggling myself. You hang in there and we make it together!

Raining

It's been raining cat and dogs here. Speaking of cats I bought a different litter because it was all the store had at the time and my lovely little cat decided that she wasn't going to use the litter box. Needless to say I had to go out in the rain to buy "her litter".  Hopefully she will go back to her litter box now and not my garden bath tub. Ugh!

My name should be Trouble.

The change in the weather cause my muscles and joints to hurt. I think I'm going to have to take another pain pill. Autoimmune diseases can be very painful and exhausting."Your body's immune system protects you from disease and infection. But if you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system attacks healthy cells in your body by mistake." "Those with autoimmune disorders can have a wide variety of symptoms such as low-grade fever, joint pain, fatigue, and/or unexplained rashes that may change over time." I have three good friends beside myself that suffer from this disease. I feel I am the least debilitating of the 4 of us.

I mailed my best friend "Y" her Birthday card while I was out and picked up her a restaurant gift card.  I also picked up a few groceries for the house, so  maybe it wasn't just a trip out for my cat.  I did want to stay in the house today, but plans do change.

So Exhausted

I'm so exhausted! The psychiatrist said this can be expected after being on a long mixed mania with depression episode of the bipolar I. I have to see him again in 2 1/2 weeks. He warned me NOT to change the dosages of the medication because that could flip me into a mania again. I really don't like feeling this exhausted. It's hard to keep from falling a sleep. He said go ahead and sleep because my body needs its,but I can't do that 24/7.

I'm worried about Alice because she fell on the ice on her bad knee. When I called they had just headed out for ER.  She couldn't bear any weight on the leg at all. I hope she did not dislocate something.

Finally no doctor or therapy appointment for tomorrow!  That really runs into the money @ $35.00 a whack.
Well I need to check out my banking account so I'll sign off for now.

Dealing With My Grief

"It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation.Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories."

"Grieving parents are survivors" 

I feel I should be  stronger than I am. It's been one year now and it feels like it happened yesterday. Not everyday but some days. I have survived so much in my life. There was sexual and physical abuse. Suicide of a family member. Being abandoned by my mother. All these things seem small in comparison to the loss of Chris. Yes I still talk to him in my spirit. His beautiful smile tells me I have to keep going and I believe I will join him someday.

  I love you baby!

I Am Competent, Capable, and Lovable

"I am competent, capable, and lovable" is what I am suppose to tell myself several times a day. The hardest part is the lovable. I will put the saying up on my computer that is one place I go daily. Seems like when your own Mother rejected you it hard to think that anyone can really love you. My therapist wants to see me weekly for awhile. All I can see is $$$$$$$$ that I don't have.  I know I need extensive treatment and the depression is bad right now. Abuse and abandonment sure can put some deep deep scars on someone.

Remember this is eating disorder awareness week and stand by those that struggle with this terrible disease. 

I Ate Too Much

Yesterday I was taken out to dinner and I binged. Today I am freaking out because the number on the scale went up. I just can't go out without being a pig. I hate myself for what I did yesterday.

On top of that last night I was having flash backs and remember things that have been locked away in little compartments of my mind.

I am trying to give of myself to others and am being  pulled in  too many directions. I feel I must give 110% all the time. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster with no end in sight!!!

I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow because I feel like everything is spinning out of control. She says I need intensive therapy. What ever that means.

I wished I had weighed before I ate that stupid egg this morning. Maybe I can tolerate the pain and exercise everything off.  I wish I could at least like myself.

I will try to put together a care package for Alice this week. I know she is having a rough time. Maybe that will make her feel a little better.

I know this post is jumping all over the place with no sense of logic so I'll stop for now. Thank you all for you concerns, good vibes , and prayers.

One Day At A Time For Now

For now I am just trying to make it one day at a time. They have the mania controlled, but not the depression. I see my therapist Monday. This whole thing is so exhausting. I'm going to lie back down for now.
 

I Am Out OF The Hospital

I was admitted to the hospital for 16 days. I'm in better shape now. A lot of  medication adjustments. I am hoping I can afford this treatment plan, because I feel my life does depend on getting better. I have applied for a finical assistance program. Hopefully I will get some assistance. I very exhausted and over whelmed right now so this is just a short post to let you know I'm OK.  Thanks for your concern and support.

Going In For An Emergency Assessment

I called my psychiatrist and he wants me to come in for an emergency  assessment. I can't afford this, but I don't know what else to do.

Fake It To You Make It Isn't Working

I'm really in a dark spot right now. I  am doing a lot of non productive behaviors. I don't think I have the strength to pull out of this downward spiral.I'm not making good decisions right now. I'm not what I would call a big drinker. It had been months since I drank, but I am finding myself needing "something" to take the edge off almost daily. I'm cycling so rapidly. Right now I think I have a mixed bipolar state.

Mixed bipolar disorder is defined by periods of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. These combined manic-depressive periods are called mixed mania or mixed manic episodes:

• Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
• Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.

This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior.
For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.
Mixed manic episodes can last from days to years, if untreated. Mixed bipolar disorder episodes tend to last longer than other forms of bipolar disorder.

Self-injury, often referred to as cutting, self-mutilation, or self-harm, is an injurious attempt to cope with overpowering negative emotions, such as extreme anger, anxiety, and frustration. It is usually repetitive, not a one-time act.

Yes I am struggling with all the the above. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I can make it. I have too!

Not In Good Shape.

DO I LOOK LIKE TROUBLE?

I'm not in very good shape despite trying to control the situation. I'm manic and grieving big time. I'm back home because the weather is suppose to turn nasty. I really think my mania was starting to bother Y. She couldn't relate to not being able to sit still for even 5 minutes. I kept pacing and moving all over the place. I was in constant pain form the movement but could not stop myself. When I tried to sleep I would have horrible nightmares.I cried  myself to sleep every night.Then I was lucky if I got 2-3 hours sleep.I'm being to think there is nothing anyone can do to help me.Tonight I will run the vacuum cleaner and maybe do some laundry. My kitty cat knocked down the curtains in my computer room.so I already put those back up. How can such a sweet looking thing cause so much trouble?  I just hope I can hang on until I see my psychiatrist on the eight!

My Love Shall Never Die

It's been almost a year since my beloved Chris died. The pain is still unbearable. I wanted to post a tribute of my love for him, He was such a joy. I have a few pictures I wanted to share.

Always at his computer.

A warm smile for everyone

A pure joy to talk to.

He now in heaven watching over me.

I miss your loving smile.

I going to go to my friend in Shawnee for a few days so I won't have to be alone. I'm not feeling very stable right now and don't want to end up in the hospital again. I just going to keep myself safe with Y.

Rest

I need rest. I have not been sleeping. My mind won't shut down. I'm filled with sadness and keep living with a ray of hope from a Bible verse. " All things work together for good to them that love the Lord."  I wish my faith was stronger. So much has happen that brings me down. I feel so much pain some days I don't think I can make it. I wonder what am I suppose to be doing. I search for a meaning of life. What is my purpose? I love people deeply but feel so helpless in what I can do. My heart is tender or maybe just raw. I should be stronger. I have lived through so much. I want to encourage others, but have difficulty encouraging myself. I won't and can't give up no mater how dark the skies. I am a winner no matter what continues to fall my way. "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." I just have to take it one day at a time.

It's Official

Kitchen

Master Bath

Master Bedroom

Outside of the Home

It's official. My mobile home is now up for sale. Pictured are the kitchen, master bedroom, master bath and the outside of the home. Not pictured are the other two bedrooms and the living room with a wood burning fireplace. Due to my declining health I think it would be better to live in an apartment so I would not have the upkeep of the home. It is very expensive when you have to hire most things done. I have a great difficulty walking and it is impossible for me to do the lawn care. I have worked hard to get it fixed up to sell. I'm hoping with this depressed market it is not on the market for ever.  Wish me luck. I really think this is the right move due to my health and being on a fixed income. I am planing on moving close to my friend of 25 years as her family has ofter to help me as needed. It is a scary venture, but I feel it is definitely the right move.

A Small Light Brings Hope

 

 

A Small Light Brings Hope

 

Breezes blow and time changes

Yet nothing seems to change

Sadness hovers on each breeze

Blowing over the strings of the heart

Hope seems but a word without meaning

Love absence leaves coldness to the bone

Darkness swallows the heart whole

Despair is winning and fills the soul

A small light shimmer through the window of my soul

  Then hope begins to take on meaning

Love  of others is felt in the deepest part of the heart

Could this mean life, hope, and joy is reborn?

Emotionally A Little Better

I think I'm in a little better place emotionally than I have been the last few days. My thoughts are not quite as dark. I am physically not well. I'm running a fever, body aches, and upset stomach.
 I am trying very hard to stay positive. When you live with depression that can be so hard. It has been close to a year now since I lost my son. I still grieve so deeply for him. His birthday would have been February 3 and he would have been 29. I know he is in heaven happy and well but I still wish he was here with me.   For you my beloved Chris!

Is It True?

Is it really true what doesn't kill you make you stronger? I am so frustrated. The cost of my mental health care has become more than I can afford. I know I have so many issues, PTSD, eating disorder, bipolar, and still in deep grief. There are days like today I just don't think I can make it. I keep think about the after life and that it would have to be better than this. I know how dangerous my thinking is right now, so I'm trying to keep from thinking so much. The urges to hurt myself or so strong, but I'm fighting hard not to give in to them. It terrible to be afraid of your own mind. I'm trying so hard not to give in these intrusive thought. I guess that is why I keep calling people. Of course I can tell them what I'm writing here. I hate it when my thinking is all messed up and I guess that is why I'm reaching out on this blog. I guess it's true that "We all need someone to lean on".

What's Wrong With Me?

I don't know what wrong with me. Normally I am such a fighter. Right now I'm tired of hurting on the inside and the outside. I'm trying not to let hopelessness swallow me up. I can sleep anymore and I'm working my butt off.  I been "mentally" ill all my life. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. The PTSD issues have been beating me up recently. I feel like such a failure. When the lupus and joint problems became so bad about 3 years ago I had to go on disability. I think losing my job did a number on me emotionally. I feel for every step forward I take then I take 3 steps backwards.  I am trying to do my best but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe all of this is just sleep deprivation. I'm so tried of crying. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm afraid to say anything to my psychiatrist, because he will over medicate me or want to do ECT again. I'm never going to do that again I would rather die than go through that. I'm sorry I'm am feeling so low that is why I have had trouble posting recently. On top of everything else I in so much physical pain and can't stop coughing. UGH!

Trouble Sleeping

I guess I'm just too up tight because I just can't sleep the night trough. It's 4 AM and I'm cleaning. Crazy isn't it?