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Saturday, January 15, 2011
What's Wrong With Me?
I don't know what wrong with me. Normally I am such a fighter. Right now I'm tired of hurting on the inside and the outside. I'm trying not to let hopelessness swallow me up. I can sleep anymore and I'm working my butt off. I been "mentally" ill all my life. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. The PTSD issues have been beating me up recently. I feel like such a failure. When the lupus and joint problems became so bad about 3 years ago I had to go on disability. I think losing my job did a number on me emotionally. I feel for every step forward I take then I take 3 steps backwards. I am trying to do my best but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe all of this is just sleep deprivation. I'm so tried of crying. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm afraid to say anything to my psychiatrist, because he will over medicate me or want to do ECT again. I'm never going to do that again I would rather die than go through that. I'm sorry I'm am feeling so low that is why I have had trouble posting recently. On top of everything else I in so much physical pain and can't stop coughing. UGH!