Saturday, January 15, 2011

What's Wrong With Me?

I don't know what wrong with me. Normally I am such a fighter. Right now I'm tired of hurting on the inside and the outside. I'm trying not to let hopelessness swallow me up. I can sleep anymore and I'm working my butt off.  I been "mentally" ill all my life. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. The PTSD issues have been beating me up recently. I feel like such a failure. When the lupus and joint problems became so bad about 3 years ago I had to go on disability. I think losing my job did a number on me emotionally. I feel for every step forward I take then I take 3 steps backwards.  I am trying to do my best but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe all of this is just sleep deprivation. I'm so tried of crying. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm afraid to say anything to my psychiatrist, because he will over medicate me or want to do ECT again. I'm never going to do that again I would rather die than go through that. I'm sorry I'm am feeling so low that is why I have had trouble posting recently. On top of everything else I in so much physical pain and can't stop coughing. UGH!

7 comments:

NOS said...

Oh Wanda, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I didn't know about your suicide attempt. It must be so hard to have dealt with this for the majority of your life. (To that I can relate.)

I can also relate to the ECT thing. It was such an awful experience I am surprised that they still perform it.

Wanda, please hold on. I know you have a fighter spirit in you. It's just having a hard time right now. But you can hold onto my hope for you because I have plenty. I know that you can and will be happy.

NOS

RCUBEs said...

May His wonderful promise reminds you now that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Praying you'll feel better in no time and believing in His miraculous healing. God bless you sister.

Faycin A Croud (too lazy to log in) said...

I'm having trouble accomplishing anything plus high suicide ideation too. Feel free to email me. I might not be able to suggest much to bring good cheer, but I can support you.

Ethereal Highway said...

{{{{{{{{Wanda}}}}}}}}

Tracy said...

Praying for you WAnda; no, it is not easy to live such a life but you have purpose in this life. God knows and desires you to seek it. I don't know what it is, nor do you but it is there so your quest is to find that purpose and giving up won't help!
I'd see your psychiatrist and let him know how you are feeling and perhaps it will be a medication change? But you won't know if you don't go.

My prayers are with you WAnda...

sarah said...

I'm sorry you feel so bad. praying you feel better.

Dr. Deb said...

You have to remind yourself that your life story is quite unique. You have been through SO MUCH. As your friend, I want you to do whatever you can to soothe yourself. You need to take care of yourself and have others do the same for you. As a professional, I want you to get another opinion for your treatment regime. You are suffering too too much for this to be an acceptable level of treatment.