Sunday, January 30, 2011

Fake It To You Make It Isn't Working

I'm really in a dark spot right now. I  am doing a lot of non productive behaviors. I don't think I have the strength to pull out of this downward spiral.I'm not making good decisions right now. I'm not what I would call a big drinker. It had been months since I drank, but I am finding myself needing "something" to take the edge off almost daily. I'm cycling so rapidly. Right now I think I have a mixed bipolar state.

Mixed bipolar disorder is defined by periods of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. These combined manic-depressive periods are called mixed mania or mixed manic episodes:
  • Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
  • Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.
This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior.
For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.
Mixed manic episodes can last from days to years, if untreated. Mixed bipolar disorder episodes tend to last longer than other forms of bipolar disorder.

Self-injury, often referred to as cutting, self-mutilation, or self-harm, is an injurious attempt to cope with overpowering negative emotions, such as extreme anger, anxiety, and frustration. It is usually repetitive, not a one-time act.

Yes I am struggling with all the the above. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I can make it. I have too!


Just me said...

You are so right that you CAN make it! Praying for you!! x x

Denise said...

I am sorry things are so bad for you right now dear. I am sending you extra hugs, and praying extra hard for you. God loves you, you are never alone, hold on. You are much stronger than you think. I love you.

Mike Golch said...


Just Be Real said...

Here listening.

Faycin A Croud said...

Mixed states suck--I hate them more than the one or the other state. The conventional wisdom is that a person with bipolar II can't have mixed states, but I do. I have only been fully manic due to being prescribed antidepressants (which is why I won't take antidepressants) and I can say from those experiences that it is horrible. I commend you for holding on, negative coping skills or no. I understand. I wonder if there is anyone at all (a professional) that you can call for support.
My situation is nowhere near as awful as yours but I can relate. Losing an elderly, sick parent as an adult is far different from losing a child. Yet I find that I am doing strange things as well. I cannot stand to eat meals at home. I have been eating a lot of fast food and its impacting my budget. I don't understand why I'm doing it either. My dad and I didn't live together but since his death I can't stand to eat at home.
Grief makes us do strange things.
Also I am thinking that maybe the fact that the one year anniversary of Chris passing is triggering you.
Please take care. Know that you have friends here. I won't judge. I do understand. But I also want you to be safe.
Sending you love.

NOS said...

That's a lot to be going through, Wanda. Are you safe? If you think you're not then PLEASE go to the hospital. They could possibly help get you out of this mixed state. No matter where you go or what you do I'll be here to listen and support. I don't know if that helps much, but it's all I can offer.

Wishing you well,

Bluebird49 said...

Only a few days til the 8th, Wanda. Hang in there. Keep your Bible in your hands when you can't be still! Even if you can't remember what you read---it will comfort you.Do whatever it takes to make it--you must make it! For you--for your children--both the one you lost and the one you have left.

My daughter died 12 years ago--it doesn't ever go away, but it changes. Thankfully, I had one child left, too.

Bobbi said...

Have you ever heard the song, 'Jesus, take the Wheel'? It's about asking Him to take over when we can no longer handle life... we ask Him to take our burdens, our cares, and our circumstances... He can bring us to a better place.
Praying for you, Wanda!

Sophia said...

You CAN make it Wanda. If I have to keep pushing forward and pressing on, so do you. Let's do it together. I may not always blog about struggling, but BELIEVE ME...I struggle every single day with rejection, feeling like I don't fit in, crying, anger, etc.

HANG IN THERE. You are not alone. I care so much for you. Love you to pieces, Wanda. And so does Jesus!


'Tart said...

Dear Wanda,
I am praying for you. Big Hugs ((((Wanda)))).