Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What Is The Matter With People?

A young man was shipped back to the states after giving his life in the war. Outside his funeral service there were protesters of is war with picket signs. This is a terrible thing for the family of the young man who gave his all for our country. To add to the family terrible grief is unthinkable. I believe in free speech, but this was totally out of line. Respect and honor are due this young man. Think of the family and there great loss. This young man was a hero and deserved the respect.

It's Hard

Seems like I have more than one person can handle. Daily I have to try to deal with my daughters severe mental illness. I'm still dealing with my own deep grief. My PTSD has been kicking up and keeping me awake a nights. I am very tired. All the stress has caused a flare up my ED. I know I must not give up. I must keep trying. I'm reaching out to all my friends now because I need help and encouragement. I'm so tired. I must keep going.

Monday, June 28, 2010


Just about the time I think I may make it something triggers the fact I have lost my youngest son. I saw something driving home from the store and I started crying so hard I had to pull off the road. The pain for awhile is as great as it was in the hospital when they told me he didn't make it and they were calling the code off. Maybe everyone thinks I should be over this by now. I wonder if I ever will. I'm sorry I talk about him so much, but he takes up so much of my mind. The pain seems unbearable. It hurts so bad. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Terrible Headache

I have had a terrible headache for the last several hours. The medicine is taking a little bit of the edge off it. I just want to let everyone know I'm okay.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

A Good Time

Last night I had a good time with a friend. She took me to see a "Beatles" concert. The music was filled with good oldies. I only cried with two song that made me think of Chris. After the concert we went to T G I F for some wonderful food. I had shrimp and broccoli and peach ice tea. It was great to have a fun time break.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Out of Control

I feel my life is so out of control. I don't seem to be able to control my own thoughts. I'm trying so hard to do the "right " things, but I keep falling on my face. Therapy, medicine and even ECT don't seem to help me. Why can't I be fixed? I am basically a good, loving, and caring person. I try positive self talk. I pray. When I'm like this all I can think of is why was I ever born? Life has got to be better than this.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Where Has The Time Gone?

The last few months have been some of the roughest times I have ever been through. I am so thankful for those of you that have stood beside me and given me much needed support. I'm not sure where all the days have gone. I believe that I have some very good friends I have never met. Time continues no mater what has happened. Each day is a choice. We make the best decisions we can and find joy where we can. I am glad I found the blogging world.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Laid Chris to Rest Today

I laid Chris to rest in his finally resting place today. His Aunt was with me. I did a little better than I though I would. He was such a kind warm person. He helped me so much and his love was unconditional. Chris I want to tell you that you were one of my few joys in life. I will always remember your laugh, your hugs when I was having a rough day, and when you teased me by calling me "little Mama". Having a place to stay where I can visit as much as I want is wonderful. You where a gift form God. I'm sorry your time on earth was so short. You will be missed,but you will not be forgotten, A mother could not have asked for a more loving child. Rest in peace and in God's arm till I see you again. With all my love. Little Mama

Monday, June 21, 2010

Grief Class Graduation

Tomorrow night is "Grief Class Graduation". I feel I have failed the course with flying colors. The class had a lot to do with unresolved issues. Chris and I were very close and the biggest issue I had was that he had to die when he was only 27 years old. He was robbed of so much life. I was robbed of a very special person. I am glad I took the course because it helped me realize I was not the only one who was hurting so badly. I still cry almost everyday. Some days I cry several times in that day. I am assured he is in heaven and one day I will see him again. I worry some that I want to be with him so badly I may end up taking my own life. When you suffer from bipolar depression you are at a higher risk for suicide. My counselor told me she is at lose of words to help me, but believe me being able to vent is helpful. You have all been wonderful and encouraging to me. Thank you. I'm not giving up yet, but I am so weary. Oh, Chris I loved you so much.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

This is definitely not my favorite day of the year. My own father left never to be seen again on my first birthday. My step father molested me from the time I was 4 years old until my early teens. He was also very physically abusive. I feared for my life more than a for more than a few times. My ex husband turned out to be a pedophile. So the word father leaves a dirty taste in my mouth. I think that is part of the reason I have trusting in my Heavenly Father. I just not sure I'll be safe. Loveing is a very strange thing. I only know that my love for my children was real and nothing could ever destroy the deep feelings. I hope many of you are having a better day than I am. I love you for all the support you give me.

You Cannot Lose My Love

Wanda, I'm posting this on your blog to ensure that you see it. While many people use this to dedicate to their children, or other loved ones, it was written as from God to us ..

Josh Petersen: "Have hope and joy today in the fact that you are not perfect. Never will be. But Jesus loves you anyways, because you are His beautiful child."

"You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you’ll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love."

I love you Wanda, my friend, my sister in christ .. my fellow Trouble and Rumblebuffin.

Saturday, June 19, 2010



Thursday, June 17, 2010

Got In Trouble

I saw my doctor today and she yelled at me for losing so much weight this month. I know I not eating right and it becoming a disorder again, but food just makes me sick. I tried to eat a few grapes awhile ago and they made me gag. I'll try again later to eat something, but I have no desire. People had been telling me how good the weight loss looked so I want to eat less. I did have one friend talk to me today about how bad I was looking. She says I have let the grief trigger my eating disorder and I headed for the hospital. I tired of being fat and I just don't care about much these days. I guess as weak as I'm becoming I had better pick up the chewable vitamins like my doctor said. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


I'm so frustrated with the cemetery where I am going to place Chris ' ashes. I bought and paid for a double vault and mine and Chris' remains and it doesn't look like both will fit. The lady that sold me the stuff is out of town until next week and I know all I'll do is worry about it. This makes me so mad!

Monday, June 14, 2010

Peace In Dnying?

God if it is peace you find in dying please let the time be near. This been going through my head all day. I'm so tired and sad. I long for peace. My life has been filled with one bad thing after another. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I should be super women. I love so deeply. I know I am chemically unbalanced, I just can't think right now. I have to hang on for my daughter. It's so hard. I know I'm not the only person molested as a child. I know I'm not the only person that married a pedophile. I know I'm not the only one that is bipolar. I know I'm not the only one with chronic pain. I know I'm not the only one to have lost a child. It doesn't take away the severe emotional pain I'm going through. I pray but don't seem to get the results others do when they pray. Would it be wrong to take my own life? Would that damn me to hell? Would I never be able to see my beloved son if I did this? I love God and people. What is wrong with me? Maybe calling someone would help. I'm sorry I have been so weak and needy. Please help hold me up. There has got to be an answer out there somewhere. I'm calling someone to help me make it through the night until I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


I have taken my night time medicine and am ready to sleep. I know I u se sleep too often to easy my pain and depression. I wonder if that is what real peace is like. For awhile I do not cry. Even if some nights I cry myself to sleep. I wonder why some brains don't have the right chemical to prevent depression. I have so many questions and so few answers. I thank each and everyone of my friends for their support. How can a heart be so full of love and compassion for others, but hate ones self. I see joy in other people and long for that for myself. I have been this way for so long I wonder if my only hope is in the after life. I'm tired now so I think I will sleep. I don't know what I would do without all the kindness and encouragement you all give me. Thank you so much.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

So Weak

I'm so weak today. I have fallen once. I'm not eating much, but I think I did better than yesterday. I am exhausted mentally and physically. I wondering if I'm over medicated. I cut back my night time medication. I can't stay awake. I am really hurting all over. I don't trust doctors too much, but if I not feeling better by tomorrow I think I'm going to call somebody to take me in. I'm not such how much my emotions have to do with this, but it has been a long time since I have felt so bad.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Not Feeeling Well

I'm not feeling well today. I'm hurting all over and a bit more depressed that usual. I have been sleeping a lot today and am very weak. You have been a life savor for me. Thanks again for all your love and support.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

My Daughter

My daughter is doing a little better. They have up her antidepressant. She is getting treatment and this is a good thing. I love her so much. I can't say increasing my antidepressant has help much yet. I'm holding on to a thin tread of faith that I can make it through this. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Will it Ever End?

My daughter called today to tell me she was suicidal. I cried and begged her to please get in to see some one ASAP. Admit herself to a hospital or something. As many times as I have thought of suicide I realize it is not painless. I wonder if there can be happiness in this world. I just don't know. Why is life so painful? Is it possible to have joy? My doctor upped my antidepressant yesterday. We will see if that helps. There has got to be more to life than this.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Grief Class

To night in my grief class I read my letter to Chris. It was the hardest thing I have had to do so far in this class. I was in tears most of the time, but I got it done. The leader of the group said he was beginning to see some light behind my eyes that wasn't there 8 weeks ago when I started the class. I was told the letter was beautiful by more than one person. I still don't have that instant relieve from writing the letter, but I am glad I have stuck the class out. Chris will always be a big part of my life. He was a beautiful gift from God who I will always treasure.