My Life -Short Version

"trigger warning"

As I have been reading other's blogs and their stories , I wonder if I will ever be able to fully tell my story. This is the short version. So many years were involved. So many types of abuse and so much shame attached to the abuse. What happened between the ages of four and twelve, I can forgive myself for. I had been penatrated before I was in the second grade. The fondling and oral stuff started when I was about 3-4 years old . I was too little and too dependent on my parents to have changed much of what happen then.
After being tied down, burtalized, sodamized, and repeatedly raped, before my 12th birthday, I gave up. I was repeatedly told "little girls disapear all the time and no one would miss me." I just didn't care anymore about myself. I was defeated. The years between 12-18 I think I just learned to "play the game". I tried to protect the younger ones, so "giving myself" to my stepdad wasn't such a "big deal".
By this time, I felt if there was a "god", he didn't care about children or their pain. At sixteen I started dabbling in a form of witch craft with a friend, who father was also molesting her. We would cast "spells", make vodo doll, etc of our parents . In fact I was totally convinced when my stepdad died I had killed him. ( I was about 18 years old at the time)
When I was about 18-19 years old I had a "nervous break down". I deleted my past. I was a virgin again. Problems fixed-NOT!!!
I then married a very controling, abusive man. I can not even begin to say what he had me do to please him. The control he had over me was unbelieveable, even until this day. After several years of the abuse I divorced him, when our children were in their early teens. He now is out on bail for molesting his daughter of his second marriage.
I still can not forgive myself for what happen in our marriage. How could one person control another for so long?
All my life I have fought with suicidal thinking. I was ready to kill myself when a friend I worked with asked me to talk with her pastor. She didn't know I close I was to killing myself.
I had all I needed and a plan to cover all parts of my kids being care for financially. I was terrible to this pastor. I was hateful, mean and told him I didn't believe in him or "god." The next day this pastor called me. The kindness in his voice showed he wanted to help. He counseled me for a long time before it finally sank in. He was showing me that Jesus loved me, no matter where I had been or no matter what I had done. This man's kindness did lead me to Jesus. I thank God daily that someone care about me when I didn't even want to live to pray for me. Someone took the time to show me that Jesus loved me and was just waiting to be invited in.
Jesus is now my hope and I want to help other know His love. I want to help those that have been abused know, they are worth everything to God, and He dearly loves them. I want others to see what abuse does so it can be stopped.