Class

Last night was an introduction class. It is going to be a 2 hour class one night a week for 12 weeks. We will have homework. Already some stories have made me feel better.Not what I should feel, but what I feel is what I feel.

1. ''People have told me he is happy now ,so I should be happy for him." Yes I believe he is in heaven and am happy.YES I'M AM HAPPY FOR HIM,BUT I'M NOT HAPPY FOR ME!!!! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!
2. ''He had problems and now is free of them. HE WAS GETTING BETTER AND I HAD HOPE HE COULD OVER COME THOSE PROBLEMS.
3. " You got to get on with your life" SOME TIMES I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
4. THIS CLASS IS GOING TO BE HARD WORK BUT ONLY I CAN DO IT.
5. Even Jesus wept over a death of a friend.
   

I Hurt But It's Spring

I am hurting all over today. Maybe it's the lupus. I'm tired and weary. Maybe it's just the constant sadness. I see my doctor for my joint injections tomorrow and also start my grief class. I can hardly reach my hand above my head to wash my hair.Lying down even hurts. Complaining isn't make it better. I think I have some flowers coming up.I like flowers even though I don't have a green thumb. I hear kids playing out doors, a true sign of spring.

Why Do Insurance Companies Have So Much Power?

It's a shame when an insurance companies can have so much power that they can decline life needed treatment.

30 Lbs

30 lbs can really make a difference on how your clothes fit. I hand to get some underwear because it was always in the wrong spot. I also go a pair of pants to. You can only wear sweats so long. Well I was finally able to take a very small bag of my son's clothes to Good Will. That was very hard and it was just a little WalMart bag. I don't know what the rest of the plans for the day are yet . We will have to see.

I'm Not Making It

I'm not making it. It took me three stores to pick up some cat liter and cat food. I now have two cats that I did not want. One is my daughter's who moved out of state 6 months before my son died and the other cat was his. Anyway I pasted by the men department store and had to leave crying. I next tried Chris' favorite store (it was never busy) and I couldn't even make it through the door. Finally I was able at some dollar store to get the supplies. May be it's because I ate too much. I am so sick at my stomach and discussed with myself.

Some Days

Some days I feel nothing. A cold empty house. Not even a glimmer of hope I will ever feel better. Today is that day. Tears are in vain. I can't even ask for help. I'll try to sleep.

Saw My Therapist Today

Saw my therapist today and she ask me how much weight I had lost. I told her I didn't know even thought I'm weighing 2-3 times per day. Right now I feel I don't have control of much in my life, so I might as well control what I eat. Besides I don't know if you eat in heaven and I feel guilty eating without Chris.
I also got a call from my ex-husband's sister wanting to meet for lunch. That was very strange since I haven't seen her in years. It went okay. Strange but okay. For those of you that don't know I picked a real bad one. He is serving 50 years for being a pedophile. After being molested myself you would have thought I would have seen the signs, but I didn't. Thank God we were all ready divorced when he went to trial.
I keep making it through may things. I'm not giving up yet.

Fake It

I used to make it through a lot of things by faking it. Maybe "fake it to you make it" is key. Today I could barely get out of bed. A lot of 3-D people think I'm fine. I'll get better because I'm a fighter. I don't think I'll ever be fine again.

What's Up With The Weather?

Yesterday it was a wonderful spring day in the upper 60's. Today we have 6-7 inches of snow! It's cold out there!

Slept Too Long

I was exhausted and could not get to sleep so I took a sleeper. I slept way too long! Almost 12 hours. That means tonight is really going to be messed up. Oh well. We will just have to see what happens tonight.

Going Through The Motions

Right now I am just going through the motions of being alive. I'm going to start a grief class on the 30th. It lasts for 12 weeks. Maybe that will help. Life seems so worthless right now. I don't enjoy anything. I keep blogging to get rid of these negative emotions. I scared myself today. I almost turned my car head on in front of a semi. I quickly thought of the diver of the semi. What had he done to deserve that. My blogging friends have really helped keep me going with their encouragement and prayers. Thank you.

I'm So Unhappy

I'm so unhappy I feel like I'm dying. I don't know if I can do this. I talked with my therapist today and I think I 'm in worst shape than ever. I just want the pain to stop.

6 Weeks

It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my son and I still cry every night. I been told that's too long. Others have told me it can take much longer. I don't know. It still seems like he just going to walk through that door again. That is never going to happen. It seems like I been through enough in my life that this just shouldn't of happened. I know bad things happen to good people. I know God still loves me. My heart is still so broken. I know you must be tired of hearing this,but it is the only thing on my mind now days. I try to do something everyday, even if it is wrong. :) Blogging helps because I know I have friends out there.

I'm Not Sure What To Say

I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how I feel. I saw my psychiatrist today. She thought my thought process was better and I was wearing makeup. She also noticed I had lost some weight. She is still very worried about me. I talked to my former pastor yesterday. He made me feel better. I'm doing simple task,but am not up to speed.

Some Days Are Better

Some days are better than others, but this is not one of the better days. I guess it because I got his death certificate today. I still can not believe he is gone. I just keep expecting to wake up and he will still be here. Please hold me up today.

Rain

It's been rainy and dreary here all day. I slept late today, because I had a bad headache. My gas tank was sucking flumes so I filled the tank. This has been a very unproductive day for me.

Tired

I'm so tired today. I haven't done that much. A little vacuuming, when to a couple of stores, changed the cat box and clean sheets on the bed. Egg rolls sounded good so I got a couple for dinner and the were so greasy I couldn't eat them. Right now diet Coke is the only thing that taste good. Well I've got a few more things to put up. I'll try to get around to a few blogs tonight.

I Miss You So Much

"the death of a child is still perhaps one of the most intense forms of grief, holding greater risk factors." Chris I hope you heard me as I rubbed your arm and sang to you. Oh Chris, I loved you so much. Even when the nurse told me to go home and let them take care of you I couldn't leave you. Even to the very last I thought you would pull through. I miss your laugh so much. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it, but I know you are looking down saying "it's alright Little Mama". I know you are in God's arms but I miss you so much. Your life was short but you touched many people on line. Just Google Chris Arthington to see all the wonderful things people had to say about him.

Better?

Everyone is telling me how much better I look and sound, yet every time my mind goes into neutral I just think about escaping this world. The next world has got to be better than this one. Maybe I just can't cry any more. That doesn't seem to be the truth. I'm crying now. Guess I'll try "happy" thoughts.