Prayer request

I am feeling depressed today. I not sure if it is the weather and being trapped in the house or what, but I hate feeling like this. I've called a couple of friends and read my favorite blogs to cheer up and that has helped a bit. I really have got to get to the drug store an pick up my anti depressant. Some times I wonder how I would do without any medicine. Those of you that pray just remember me today. I just need a little extra help.

Ice Strorm

Tulsa is covered in ice as it continues to come down. The roads are dangerous and a lot of business are closed for the day. Schools are shut down, but at least the power lines have not been affected like they where last year. There was a point yesterday that every road had a reported accident on it. One of the main highways had a major 30 car pile up. I made it home from work without a problem, until I got to my driveway. I fell and had to crawl to the grass because I could not stand up. My driveway is on a slop that is kind of steep. Today I am really sore and stiff. It is not expected to get above freezing until Thursday, so I guess I will be staying home until then. I am very thankful that the power has stayed on this storm.

Ranting

Today I hate my mobile home. It has low flow toilets that always stop up. I just love spending the morning messing with a toilet. Oh. I just had to rant a little bit. Next week when I only have to pay lot rent instead of a mortgage payment,I'll like my mobile home again.

Little of This & Little of That

I got my full sized Yorkie yesterday. She is very loving, but very nervous. She is suppose to be house broken, but is not doing too well with that. I guess it the new environment and all. She does go when I take her out (which is frequently), but also has accidents. She is still afraid of Chris, but getting better around him. I don't think she was around too many males before. We are already getting attached to each other. I think this will really help with my depression. Also I am getting exercise walking the dog.

My new therapist called yesterday and gave me her pager number and told me if I needed her at any time to just give her a page. That really impressed me, but kind of caught me off guard. She also worked me in for a sooner appointment next Friday. She sounded like she was concerned and very nice.

I had a flashback at my part time job Wednesday. Not cool! Fortunately it was in the back room in medical records and nobody saw or heard anything. I have been under a lot of stress, so I guess that is what triggered it. I can not afford to lose the part time job. The disability check alone is not enough to make it.

Home Work

Since my bi-polar is more stable than it has been in two years, my doctor has requested my therapist work on my PTSD. She is concerned about how frequently I dissociate and/or back out. I have done this all my life, but I am really afraid of going back into my past history. Medical records,scars, and witness have told me things that I still find hard to believe. My own memories are there,but "not real". It's like I can sometime see and feel the pain, but it's not really me. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I can say I was sexual abused as a child, but it is words. I can say there was physical abuse, but again it is just words. The pains and the dreams I feel now are real,but not. I really feel it, but there is no one here. I am not even sure where here is when it happens. My mind can not comprehend that these things did happen. I hope my therapist is good.

I am a happy as can be. I am not going to let anyone steal away my ability to enjoy life. Yes things are different now. Money is tighter. I'm taking a ton of medicine, but I am still me. I just learned a new computer system, so I do have the ability to learn. I had a wonderful weekend. Maybe I was a little hypo manic. I may have found a dog. She is a small Yorkie. We are going to have to see if she gets along with my son's cat. I so want it to work out. Kind of blew my diet today. Had homemade potato soup, bread sticks, now here come the bad part,a big piece chocolate cake. I'll have to do better tomorrow and ride the bike a few extra minutes tonight. My stupid car is acting up, but there has always got to be something going on to keep life interesting. You know It has to happen on the weekend when there is no way to get it checked out. It would not go over thirty miles per hour so I missed church today. I really love the signing and our pastor is a good speaker, so it would have topped off an excellent weekend. I really need to do a load of laundry and run to the night deposit at the bank. I hope every one had a good weekend.

Hurts To Hear

All my life I've worked hard to improve myself and be a better person. I was a bit of a workaholic. I had been in a supervisory position for 25 years in the medical profession until two years ago when I had to go on disability. I considered myself intelligent as well as a hard worker.
In my last session with my therapist she said something that I just can not get out of my mind. She told me due to my connective tissue disease and bi-polar disease I would most likely never have the same level of cognitive functioning skills again. I have lost so much in the last two years this statement eats away at the very core of my being. I have always been an over comer. This make me feel hopeless and useless. How can an illness steal so much from you? How do you deal with the loss of your ability to think clearly?

Changes

I'm being moved from my new therapist to another one because of some kind of clinic policy about a doctor I had seen. I really liked this one, even if I had only seen her two times. She had a good suggestion that I had never given much thought to. I have chronic pain,so she told me that could also affect the depression side of my bi-polar disorder. I now have given myself permission to go ahead and treat the pain with the medicines that have been prescribed for me. It does seem to be helping some. I can't believe I have to wait another month before I can get in to see another new therapist. I hope she will be as good as the one I had. I need someone to talk to really bad. I just seem to be struggling more and more. I am trying not to use some of my old "bad" coping skills. Writing helps some, so I decided to blog. Besides it's a harmless coping skill.

Encouragement

As I sat down at my computer tonight I was crying from physical and emotional pain. I decided to visit some of my blogging friend sites instead of posting. Every site I went to was so encouraging and up lifting it sparked a bit of hope in my defeated spirit. Each site spoke of hope or the love of God. They reminded me of things I know, but the cares of the last few days had made me forget. I am so thankful for all my friends in blogging land. YOU have really made a difference for me tonight.

The Year in Review

As I look back over the past year there were many changes. There was some personal growth and some hard times. Being on disability has been a real adjustment for me. As a former workaholic, the adjustment has been very difficult. My job had always defined me. It was who I was. Learning this year that there was more to me than just a job has been difficult. My bi-polar disorder has been so uncontrolled this year and the lupus like symptoms have caused me a lot of problems also.
One good physical thing was I lost 50lbs. (Christmas may have put a couple back on). My faith has grown stronger this year and I am trusting a few people which is new for me. I am seeing a new therapist and have high hope this will teach me more new coping skills. I have enjoyed following so many of my blogging friends this year. My year is ending on a note of hope and feeling that more growth will follow next year.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to ALL!

Funny Christmas Story

People that know me know that I am always try to do something I should get help with. I am not very tall, only 5' 2'', so I decide to put up this 7'6" tree by myself. You know the type too impatient to wait for help. Finally I managed to get all the part together. The tree was in the stand and miracle of miracle I got all the light working. Being rather pleased with my handy work I was down on my knees putting the tree skirt around the tree, when the whole tree feel on top of me. Thinking not so merry Christmas thoughts I scrambled from under the tree. Since the tree was still in one piece I decide I would try to stand that 71/2foot monster back up and tighten the screws on the stand. wow! It was done. I looked a little worst for wear. Finally all of the ornaments and tinsel were in place. The tree was firmly standing by the fireplace and all was well.

THANKFUL

1. I'm thankful for a God who cares for me.
2. I'm thankful for my children whom I love dearly.
3. I'm thankful for my friend who stand by me when things are rough.
4. I'm thankful for doctors who take care of my physical and mental needs.
5. I'm thankful for my blogging pals and the good advise they give.
6. I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep at night.
7. I'm thankful for a car that gets me where I need to go.
8. I'm thankful for food on the table.
9. I'm thankful for chocolate.
10. I'm most thankful knowing that there are those that love and care about me.
    

Trying to Stay Out of the Hospital

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch. They are still having trouble adjusting my medications and I'm having difficulty paying for them. Maybe the new President will have a better plan to pay for expensive drugs for the "middle class" (I use that term lightly-since I really come closer to the poverty level.) But I won't get into that less I offend someone. My moods are still jumping between manic and severe depression, but I'm hanging in there. My doctor was talking about putting me back in the hospital, which I really don't think will help. I truly believe I am being tested to see how much I can take before going totally crazy. Last night there was a storm that blew part of my roof off, I blew out a tire today, and of course I'm broke and 6 days away from payday. I'm really am in a pretty good mood. I have been thinking I want a dog. I think that would be good to have a sweet little puppy, but I need to wait until I'm sure my mood is clear. Well I guess I am rambling so hope to see you all soon.

This & That

Well I'm still a bit manic, but at least I've had two nights sleep. Raine you hit it one the money ! My doctor tried Seroquel. She only wants me on it for a short time because it can cause you to want to want to eat more and give you a real "Sweet tooth" Like I don't already have that problem.

Today I went to see a credit counselor and he said I didn't make enough money for him to help. Now how sad is that? If it were not so sad I would be laughing my pants off. So I'm a little twisted. I guess that happens after two weeks of no sleep. The counselor did tell me of a program for cheaper food called "Angel Food". I think I'm going to give it a try. Every little bit helps when you on a tight budget. All thing considered I have been in a great mood. ANYTHING is better than depression!

My friend and I are talking about making a quilt for the homeless people. We have never done any thing like that before and thought it would be fun and a nice thing to do. Neither of us sew or quilt, but there is always a first time for everything.

Lack of sleep

It has now been a week with a total of 8 hours sleep for the the entire week. My doctor gave me ambien last night and I slept 4 of the 8 hours. I am so wide awake it is scary. I'm way past the "fun" stage. I guess they haven't quite got the meds right yet. At least I not depressed. :) "big happy face." The first few night I went out and did stuff,but I have been making my self stay in bed the last few days. Anyone have any sleep time suggestions?

Hospital

I just got out of the hospital after ten days. I had sever depression after a manic phase. They did some medication adjustment and I'm feeling better. The medicine is making a bit tired however. I'll try to get around to everyone blog and catch up on what has been happening soon. Missed everybody.

Frozen by Depression & Fear

Doing the simplest things are becoming almost impossible for me to do. I'm so depressed I get a panic attack just going into the next room. I'm having flashbacks really bad. I see my doctor and therapist both on Thursday. I put a call in to my doctor today because the attacks and flashbacks where so bad,but I did not get a call back. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm sorry I haven't been around to many blogs.

Looking For Information

I'm on permanent disability and my Medicare goes into effect December 1, 2008. I am on a lot of expensive medications. I in fact I will reach the " doughnut hole" the first month I am on Medicare. The major problem is my monthly medications cost more than my disability check. I am told I make to much money to get state assistance. Has anyone else ran into this type of problem or know of any type of programs to help?

Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.