Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Fear


Last night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I sat straight up in the bed totally engulfed in fear. I do this more often than I care to admit.  I scared my cat off the bed, she went running. The next feeling I remember was that Chris was not there to tell me "it's OK little Mama. It was only a dream."  I was then flooded with sorrow that my beloved son was gone too. Shaking all over I reached for my TV control. Anything to kill the dead silence of the night. I prayed. It took several hour and a nerve pill before I could calm myself down enough to go back to sleep.

Today I am trying to understand the pain of the night. My beloved ex pastor had once told me that fear is:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

The dream was from my past. I was not in harms way. I was safe in my bed and angles (including Chris) where watching over me. I'm going to call or email my therapist to let her know about the incident. I'm still pretty shaken by the dream which is too painful to spell out here. Am I totally crazy and beyond repair? I don't know. I just know I need more peace in my life.

7 comments:

rcubes said...

I had moments like that when the dreams were so scary that they felt so real even after waking up. May the Lord's protection always cover you even in your sleep. God bless you sister and I hope you're feeling better.

Sophia said...

I have those moments from time to time as well. I allow one thought to take me to a pool of anxiety and then that pool of anxiety dumps me into a hole of fear...Ugh. I've been trying to pray more and really give it to God. Not easy, but as you pointed out, once we realize where the thoughts/feelings are coming from (and most likely from the enemy)...we can start to chip away at that and pray ourself back into a peace that warms our spirit and mind.

Always thinking of you Wanda! Hugs

63mago said...

Hello Wanda, no you are not crazy. You are not "beyond repair". The unconscius part of your rbain is processing what was - and thus playing a trick on you.

NOS said...

I'm sorry you had such an awful dream. I know that waking up feeling scared and sad is not the greatest feeling in the world.

I think it's a good idea to call or email your therapist to let her know about the dream. Maybe he/she could offer some advice that would keep the nightmares at bay. I truly hope so.

I truly hope for peace in your life.

Wishing you well,
NOS

June_Butterfly said...

Thanks for dropping by ,Wanda.Our days here in Japan is still filled with fear and despair.But the gesture of love and care that was sent and is still being sent to us bring so much joy and hope for a better tomorrow.

I see you have your own fears to face.I hope that we all succeed in rising above it.

Dreaming again said...

you're not beyond repair.

I know that all the sleep experts say to sleep with the tv off, but I've found my nightmares stay at bay if the TV is on ... inevitably when I wake up from a nightmare I wake up to find our satellite has gone off ...

you're always in my thoughts and prayers

Tempest Nightingale LeTrope said...

Ever since I was sexually assaulted I have had to sleep with the TV on. I can't sleep in silence. I have also slept on the couch for years. I like the false evidence appearing real. I'll have to remember that.