Monday, April 05, 2010

Don't Trust Myself

I just saw my therapist and I don't trust myself at all. She wants me to check in with her daily. She says my bipolar and the grief is making it very hard to tell what is going on. I'm making mistakes and took 4 of my sons sleeping pills instead of 4 of my anxiety pills. We took the same sleeper, but he took 100 mg vs my 25 mg. So I ended up taking 400 mg instead of my 25 mg. I sleep 20 hours. Before making that mistake I tried to take apart a disposable razor to cut with and I couldn't get it apart. I was so frustrated. I know I'm am in need of some serious help. Saturday I did not know the day of the week, because I hadn't slept in days. Why would God make someone like me?


Dr. Deb said...

YOUR GRIEF is enormous. YOUR LOSS is enormous. Feeling like you are in a fog, being forgetful, having little patience, etc. is part of the grieving emotional experience. What is also part of the experience is being angry at God and angry at yourself. Having BPD adds additional stress and difficulty. So, please be kind and patient with yourself.

I like that your therapist wants you to check in daily. Gather all the support you can from others. Allow them to take care of you. Support you. Nurture you.


rcubes said...

Sister, I always pray for all of my bloggy friends. I just read your comment and I just did and I will continue to stand in the gap for you. Praying God's love, protection, strength to cover you...always.

Just Be Real/God Whispers In The Wind said...

Wanda I am so very sorry. ((((Wanda))))

sarah said...

Hey Wanda...I like what Dr. Deb said...and I think it's good you check it daily with your therapist. I am praying for are going through so much...too much. Stay strong ok...I'm in your corner...and I believe in you. Sarah

Doll Mistress said...

I think the therapist is correct to have you to check in with her. I have no answers on the theological part but there is nothing "wrong" with you. Grief is devastating.

sarah said...

came back before I go to work...know that you are in my prayers....stay strong. He's got you in the centre of His hands....Sarah

Wonderingsoul said...

So you know, I am thinking of you and hoping for you and offering you all the strength and love I have.
The confusion and the desperation are leaving you in this terrible pain and I hope that you can allow your therapist and others who love you to just carry you a little.
Please be careful of yourself. You are a beautiful person Wanda. Don't doubt that. I hear it all the time in your words.
You are suffering enormously and in your agonising circumstances, any of us would.
Please keep reaching out here and in your 3D world.
You are so valuable and I am so sorry that it is so awful.

Much love

Gaia said...

Wanda, when I first was diagnosed with Peri-menopause, I felt lost and confused. I was a bit out of control. I can imagine your situation being many, many times worst, so do get the help you will need. You are in my prayers dear.

Ethereal Highway said...

Wanda, I'm sorry things are hard right now. It's awful to be unable to sleep on top of everything else. May I take the risk of saying the wrong thing? God did not create your condition. It was created by abuse. Where is your anger, sister?!!! You might be surprised how liberating it can be! If this is a mania, how do you know the energy is not your anger bubbling up in a way that needs to be acknowledged and worked through? Don't be afraid of it. It's not 'bad'. Remember I once reminded you how Jesus turned over those tables in a rage outside of the temple? He was divine, yet HE WAS HUMAN. So are you. You're allowed to have anger. (And don't worry if you are angry at God. He's a big boy and he can handle it.)

Mary said...

Hi Wanda, just wanted you to know I am praying. Dr. Deb's comments are wise.