Less Depressed

I'm less depressed today. I know "all thing work together for the good of them that love the Lord ." The house is so quite. I'm going to play on the computer a little bit. Then I'm going to watch some DVD's. My car door opener died when I was in the store. I guess I was lucky I could buy a new battery. Well this has just been a wacky day.

If it weren't for friends

If it weren't for friends I wouldn't be making it right now. My life has been complicated. Nothing prepared me for the lost of a Son. I'm taking a grief class. I just set and cry. Maybe it's too soon. I'm going to sell this place if I can. Yesterday I went out to dinner with a friend. That helped a little. His cat really seems to look for him. He had the cat for seven years. My daughter lives several states away from me, so I'm all alone.

ECT

I have my last treatment tomorrow. I believe I am less depressed, but I still cry everyday for Chris. I believe he is in Heaven, so my heart should be glad for him. I'm jealous! I want to be with him, but every time I pray, God says "Not yet". I'm still not sure why his life was cut so short. I have Grief Class tonight. I hope I can find the class. My memory isn't as good since starting the ECT.

Someday We Will Know

Someday in heaven all of life's trials will seem small. We will be reunited with those that have gone on before us. I know Chris is in heaven and I'm going to see him again. It seems like my life has more than it share of troubles, but I know Jesus loves me. It's going to be worth it someday.

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

No More Than We Can Bear

God promises not to give us more than we can bear. I believe that, but am really struggling today. Someday I have so many questions for God. It worries me that I have no desire to live. I'm not going to do anything active to end my life, but it worries me that I find no pleasures. Tomorrow will be better. I have to believe that!

ECT

I had an ECT treatment today and am really foggy from the anesthesia. My friend from church drove me home and nothing even looked familiar. I hoping these treatments help my bipolar. The treatment did nothing for my extreme sadness. I am beginning to think nothing will help what I am feeling. I just picture Chris in heaven and that is the only thing that keeps me going. I know time will make it better. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Hurting So Badly

I'm hurting so badly, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I can not even begin to express the pain I feel from having lost Chris. Everything is a reminder. His room, his clothes, missing his laugh, and even missing when he was upset. I loved him so much. I've been through a lot in my life, but a love for a child is one of the greatest loves there is. I have to believe he is with Jesus and happy. Oh, the hole in my life. He was getting better over his anxiety disorder. He actually socialized a little. He was so smart. The world will be a less of a place without him. I wish I could understand why he was taken. Oh God why was his life cut so short? Why? I don't think the hole in my heart can be filled. I loved you so much Chris!

Been in the Hospital

I've been in the hospital. Been receiving elector shock treatments. I think it has been helping. I go back Friday for another treatment. They did some medication adjustment also. I think I'm feeling a little better.Stepping in the house was like stepping in a tomb. I MISS CHRIS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! OH WHY WAS HE TAKEN???????? I hope you knew how much I loved you,Chris. I know you are in God's arms.

NOT DOING WELL!

On top of every thing else I'm not sleeping. I am getting really cranky. I don't know if my meds are messed up or if I have been under to much stress. I really feel like I am losing my mind. I want to hurt my self. I parked in ER for a hour last night thinking about going in and yelling at them that they killed my son. I keep wondering if they had admitted him the first time (2 days earlier) and started his treatment sooner,if he would have lived. I just can not get that out of my mind. I've left a message for my therapist to please call me back, but I don't think she got the message. NOT DOING WELL!

Headaches

I have been having severe headaches with numbness to the side of my face,slurred speech, and blurred vision. I am afraid to drive while having the headaches. I used to have migraine headaches, but those have been a lot better for some time. I don't want to be told I am just "stressed". I am going to try to set up an appointment Monday to be seen.

Can This Day Get Any Worst?

If one more bad "small" thing happens I think I'm going to loose it!

Jury Duty

Chris got a summons to serve jury duty today,Doesn't the government branches even talk to each other?????? I will try to take care of that tomorrow. I am really starting to fall apart with the hospital bills ,etc starting to come in. It feels like the wound is as fresh as it was several weeks ago. I tried to read my grief recovery book and just couldn't do it. Seem every time I take a step forward something happens to open up the wounds.

Don't Trust Myself

I just saw my therapist and I don't trust myself at all. She wants me to check in with her daily. She says my bipolar and the grief is making it very hard to tell what is going on. I'm making mistakes and took 4 of my sons sleeping pills instead of 4 of my anxiety pills. We took the same sleeper, but he took 100 mg vs my 25 mg. So I ended up taking 400 mg instead of my 25 mg. I sleep 20 hours. Before making that mistake I tried to take apart a disposable razor to cut with and I couldn't get it apart. I was so frustrated. I know I'm am in need of some serious help. Saturday I did not know the day of the week, because I hadn't slept in days. Why would God make someone like me?

Different Menu

Last year,ham, sweet potatoes, colored Easter eggs ,and of course 4 chocolate bunnies. This year a McDonald's sandwich and maybe a chocolate egg for one. You see my daughter and boyfriend moved out of state last July .I miss my kids so much! I actually forgot tomorrow was Sunday. At least I can call Alice and tell her how much I love her. Never forget to let them know how much you love them! They are the greatest gift we have.

I'm Manic

What poor timing to be manic. This is not one of my happy manic times. I'm just rattling off like a chatter box to who ever will listen to me. I almost spent my lot rate rental money. I'm not sleeping so I had better call the doctor in the morning. I sick of being bipolar. Well I guess that's life.

Spring & Easter is Around The Corner