When Will The Pain End

It is so hard to believe 12 years of sexual abuse from childhood still controls my life. The pain is so real today. I hurt to the point of being physically ill. Nothing has stopped the pain. I cut, it is only a short distraction. Are there people that can never heal? Never sleep without the nightmare? So much money must go to the healing process, that poverty is my way of life. I read on another blog that if mental ill people would just let Jesus in everything would be okay. I do believe in Jesus, but my pain is still REAL! I remember telling my doctor. I thought you could not have PTSD and be bi-polar. She smiled at me and told me she was the doctor and I am text book classic of both. My feeling are running so deep and the pain is so real, I just had to post.

Won't Give Up!

I won't give up! What ever it takes! I'm anger now. Yes I feel something ,so I have something to work with.

One Day at a Time

I was able to visit some blog yesterday and catch up on some of my friends. It was good. I ran out of energy,so I had to stop. I'm on all new meds. They are talking about ECT. My bi-polar is still not under control. They say I MUST start working on the PTSD stuff if I going to get any better. I exhausted. Thank everyone for being there for me!

Been in the Hospital

I just got out of the hospital. They where trying to make medication adjustments. I still feel really bad,but my doctors out of town until Monday. I haven't been this out of control in years. Please continue to remember me.

Struggling

I'm so sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but I am really struggling. Thank you so much for checking on me. I am under care of a doctor and am being watched closely so I am safe.

I'm Losing It

I am stressed to the max! I feel like I'm going to lose it. I can not function at all. I can not eat or sleep. All I do is cry. My daughter is really having some personal problems now too and I can not help her. I can not think clearly. I don't know what to do.

Update

Hi. I'm feeling a bit better. I'm on two blood pressure pills now. They make me tired, but this will improve as I adjust to them. Thank you all for checking in on me. You are the greatest!

Not Feeling Well

Sorry I been out of touch. I have not been feeling well. My blood pressure is very high 200/110 and I'm having bad head aches. My doctor is having me rest a lot to keep me out of the hospital. When I am feeling better I'll write more.

What is Wrong With Me?

April is always a rough month for me. Many of the blogs I read have been very triggering and have caused me to ask myself some questions. I have been told that the key to healing is forgiveness. How do you really forgive someone that has beaten, molested, and repeatedly raped you? He is dead , so he can no longer hurt anyone. In fact he died at a very young age. I have said I made a choice to forgive him, but it seem very empty. I have no feelings except pain. No anger. What is wrong with me? It's like I can not feel anger. It's like a movie when I remember. It's me. I feel it, but I can not attach emotion to it. I feel pain for others when I hear they have been molested or raped. I become physically ill when I hear of a child that is molested. Why don't I feel anything for the little Wanda? Will I ever feel?

NUMB

I'm feeling a little numb due to recent poor sleep patterns. I don't like being so"snappy". I am not thinking clearly and have made some bad decisions. My thought patterns are running toward the darker side and I can stop thinking about how much I dislike myself. In my head I know I am just cycling though the depressive/mixed phase of the bi-polar cycle. On top of every thing else I'm having some PTSD flashbacks of my childhood. I'm clueless as to what is triggering them unless it's the fact I have talking with my sister. I have to remember this will not last for ever. If you pray remember me, if not send good wishes this way.

A Good Man

I just left a goodbye party for the senior physician at the clinic I work. He was a very kind and understanding man who was easy to work for. He was also my personal physician for the last several years. I greatly respected him and the way he ran the clinic. Tonight when he hugged me and told me he loved me I begin to cry. He has taken a less stressful job with shorter hours. I am happy he has a better job, but will greatly miss him.

Spring

It is time to start fixing up the place for spring . We need to paint the deck & front steps. Put out some flowers and maybe a hanging basket or two to brighten up the place. My son is not looking forward to mowing the lawn. It seems like spring is really short here. It goes directly to summer. My allergies think it is spring. My noses always knows! I am looking forward to some color.

Rest

Finally the mania is finished and I can sleep! Now it's time to pick up the pieces and see what I've done. People that think being manic is great have never lived it. It is not a good thing. I was so irritable by the end I was not fit to be around. This time I ran out of money for my medicine. The Medicare "doughnut hole" would be a good thing to be fixed by the president. Now I'm on my soap box. How do they expect people on a fixed income to pay out $4,000.00 a year on medicine? One of my medicine cost over what I make for the month. It's a joke! I try to get samples, but that is why I end up manic. Right now I have two weeks of medicine, but I do not know if I will be able to get samples again. I do Know that I will Not have the $1,400.00 to buy the medicine next month. I will just have to do the best I can. Right now it feels so good not to have racing thoughts and to be able to sleep at night. I will enjoy it. I'm happy. Maybe I won't get manic without the medicine. We can just live life one day at a time and enjoy the days as they come. Thank you everybody for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

No Sleep

No sleep in several days. My mind just won't shut down. I am afraid to drive now. I going to double up on the sleeping medicine tonight and see if that works. First thing in the morning I'm calling my psychiatrist. Wish me luck.

Isolation

I feel myself pulling inside myself. Away from others. Afraid of being hurt. It's hard right now to do the simplest things to be around others. I want to. I need to, but I feel frozen. Lost. Even blogging is hard. Reaching out in any way. It began when they told me I needed to take a couple of weeks off of work because my bipolar disorder was affecting my work. The same day I found out that my primary care doctor was leaving. It is so hard for me to trust a doctor. I have real trust issues. There have been too many changes this last year. I guess change is suppose to be good, but I seem to struggle with it. I really don't even know how I feel. I'm just numb. I'm not sleeping. I hate being this way. My psychiatrist says I'm in a mixed episode right now. I just know I am miserable and irritable. My mind is racing,yet I'm depressed. I can't focus. It's got to get better. I'll just take it one day at a time.

Concern

I really worried about my oldest child right now.She suffer from mental illness also and I have not seen her so bad in a long time. It hard once they are grown and you can not make them get the help they need. It all goes back to know what you have control over. I just hate to see the pain on her face and feel so helpless to do anything. I can just love, support and suggest she seek treatment.

Feeling a Bit Better

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I finally got rid of a 2 day headache which was part of the reason I have not been feeling so hot. I'll try to get around to everyone blog in the next day or so. I'm still exhausted, but just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing a little better. Thanks everyone that checked in on me. Hugs.

Sadness

The sadness is so great you could almost touch it. I'm in so much pain. I can not stop crying. I feel like my heart is going to break in pieces or pull apart. I'm shaking so badly I can hardly type. This sadness makes me double up in pain. I know this will go away. I know it won't last forever. My doctor is talking about putting me in the hospital again,but I don't have any money. I just got to hold on. It will get better.

WHY?

1. Why is there mental illness?
2. Why is it passed on to our children?
3. Why is there child abuse?
4. Why is there child molestation?
5. Why is there rape?
6. Why is there so much physical pain?
7. Why is there emotional pain?

These are questions I want to ask God someday when I get to heaven.

Sun Shine

The sun has been shinning the last two or three days and that lifts the spirits a bit. It is nice to see sun shine instead of gray skies. The ice and snow has all melted and the birds think it is spring. It is much more pleasant taking the dog outside in this weather. She still is very nervous and I'm not really sure how to calm her down. I have never had a dog that has been this nervous before. Any tips that anyone has would be appreciate, on how to make her less jumpy.