Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
I'm doing everything I'm suppose to do to lift this depression.
- Following my meal plan
- Getting sunshine
- Taking my medication
- Self talk
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
This is a tribute to a wonderful gift from God that I only had 27 short years to spend with him. Here is some of what I miss the most about him.
- I miss his beautiful smile
- His laugh
- Him saying I love you little Mama
- Him watching for the UPS truck to bring his latest soft wear to test for Nivida
- Him working on the computer and showing me things that I had now idea what he was talking about
- His love for his cat and how they where always together.
- Him thanking me for be his mother
- His pride in all he did
- His love for computer gaming and the excitement he showed for making the next level.
- His kind and tender heart for those that hurt.
These are just a few things I miss. Call me crazy, but I bet he is helping God with the computer system in heaven. I love you baby and will join you someday. Love you always. Little Mama
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
I hate when I'm this grumpy. I want to see some progress for all the work I'm doing. I don't understand why I can not do stuff in moderation. Everything I do, I do it to the excess. Maybe I will try listening to some music or something to cool my jets. I know my train of thought is all over the place.
Again I am so thankful that I am not in the hospital, but my psychiatrist is not please with my mood and behavior. I am beginning to think I am in a mixed episode right now, because I do feel some depression again
On another note is anyone else concerned about what the government is doing? If SS checks are delayed or cut by a large amount my family will be hit hard, as will many other elderly and disabled persons. The government needs to stop playing games and work on an agreement.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I see my therapist today and think Ill go over my meal plans for the last week. I think the scale should be dropping but it's not. This is very frustrating to me. I also need to talk to her about my lack of sleep. With my allergies acting up and being a little manic I look terrible. I have big dark circles and bags under my eyes.
Had a girls day out with my daughter yesterday and we where like a couple of kids. I had my hair done and she had her eyebrows waxed. We had lunch but I was so worried about what I eating that I couldn't really enjoy that part. She had chocolate cake for desert and I munched on some fresh fruit. My heart wasn't into it but I followed my meal plan. We then went shopping and picked up a few things. It was a long day and I think I wore my daughter out!
- Jesus loves me
- My therapist
- My friends
- Blogging friends
Sunday, July 10, 2011
I am also going to repeat everyday my affirmation that my therapist gave me to say. "I am competent, capable and lovable." I know I am fighting a battle with myself, but I must improve myself talk to improve my health. Right now I need extra support of my friends and family and therapist to do this, but I am worth the effort, I have hit a place in my life where I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I believe with God's help and the help of my friends, family and therapist I can become less depressed.
I realize I have an illness, but I can not let it control my entire life. I think I may have hit my rock bottom and the only way is up. I am not saying that this will be easy, but I chose to take an active part on my healing. Does this mean I will never slip? I don't think so! My abuse and illness can not control my life.
From today on I will
- Take my medicine as prescribed
- I will exercise 5 days a week
- I will record and follow my meal plan
- I will say my affirmation daily
- I will keep my therapy appointments
- I will say something I am thankful for daily
Today I am thankful for my daughter, my friends, my family,blogging, and that Jesus loves me.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Friday, July 08, 2011
We went and saw this group in concert and they were awesome. They have an upbeat sound. The are triplets and are only twenty years old, They did several beautiful songs. I really like a song called "When God Says No'' I wish I had a video clip of this song. We did buy the CD with the song on it. This song helped me answer the question " Why didn't God answer my prayer when I was holding Chris' hand as he was dying." As a mother I may never fully understand why God needed him more than I did. God's love is sometimes beyond human understanding. A dear friend , pastor R, once told me God answers all prayer either yes, no, or later. I believe I will someday see Chris in heaven. Maybe he is helping God with his computer system.
This is a sample of one of the other songs they sang.
They took a picture with Alice that she is posting on her blog. I highly recommend this group. Great girls
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Since I broke my foot I haven't been able to work out. I found some cool chair aerobic on you tube. I started these last night to help my mood. I also saw the doctor today and he up my mood stabilizer. I see my therapist tomorrow and I have been thinking about the "good" things in my life. I am not going to fall to this disease!
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
I have really been fighting my mood swings. I was hoping things would settle down. It has just gone on too long. There have been days I could not even get out of bed follow by the uncontrollable urge to spend money and binge eat. It has been going on about two weeks now and I haven't been able to afford seeing my therapist or psychiatric. As soon as the office opens I am going to make the call. I think my medicine may need to be tweaked just a little bit. Just holding on doesn't seem to be working!
Well the doctor returned my call and wants to see me tomorrow.
Some times I wonder if I would had been "normal" if I had not been sexually abused. Would I still have the wide mood swings? Have I been misdiagnosis? I wonder what would be different today. I will be forever grateful that I found a wonder friend and pastor that still cares about me today. I not sure I would have been as tolerate of others if I had not suffered so. I guess good can from bad if we let it.
Since Chris' death I have really struggled with why God did NOT answer my prayers to heal him. Do I still believe in God? Yes. I just have a very hard time asking God for anything. I know this is wrong, but I figure I can't be disappointed if I just don't ask. I have found that I am very much like that in so many ways. I believe I have lost hope for a better tomorrow.
I keep working on bettering myself and helping others. That is one thing I can do. I can love others and help the misunderstood. That I can do and will continue to do,