Struggling

Right now I am struggling with my PTSD. I'm having a lot of flash backs and having trouble coping on a daily bases. I'm fighting with the desire to SI and can not seem to get my act together. The memories are so strong right now. I am having physcial symtoms of the abuse. Sleep is no relieve of the pain. I'm not sure why I am struggling so much right now. I'm almost afaird to leave the house because of the flash backs. Maybe this is because I'm trying to deal with some of the issues of the abuse. It maybe because of physcial fatique. This happend so long ago it is hard to belive how much it is impacting me right now. Every thing seems to be triggering the emotions and flash backs, I see my doctor tommorrow and I'm wondering if things are so out of control I should be admitted. I can't seem to talk with my friends and support system right now. I'm messing up on simple tasks and am afaird to trust myself.

It seems that some days you just can't do anything right. I knocked my side view mirror off the car. I hurt my foot. Seems like I should have just stayed in bed! I know, whine, whine, whine! It just seems recently I have been having a run of bad luck. Nothing major, just those annoying little things that can get under your skin. You know the kind of junk I mean. The drive up can not get the order right. You drop you money on the ground. You hit your head on the car door picking up the money. I guess I had just better laugh it all off. Well here is looking to a better tomorrow!

Met New Therpist

I met with my new therapist today. I talked my fool head off. We talked about the flashbacks and how to focus on some object in the present. We also talked about how I had blocked out my past and how it seems to be a method for coping with things that is now second nature to me. He stated I have learned from a very young age how "not to be present" or "leave at will". I think I'm going to be able to open up to this one, at least I did today. I see him again in three weeks. I see my doctor in two weeks. He really wanted to see me more often, but I have to space things out due to money. It started off OK, so I am hoping for the best.

Today is the superbowl and I am going to a party. I must say football is not my favorite sport, but I am looking forward to the fellowship. My good friend is having the party at her house, but I am a bit concerned about her. She really fighting some difficult memories and other issue now, so I am hoping the party will bring her some peace and support. Food and laughter is goood for the soul. I have got my dish in the oven so I can't spend too much time on the computer or I'll be taking a burnt offering inside of desert. I hope everyone is enjoying today. Deeper thoughts next time!

You are who you are. People either accept and love you or they can turn away. So much has been happening and so many changes. Things that you don't think will effect you do. Sometimes it take someone else to look at what is going on to make sense of it. Being honest and open can be hard when you are used to protecting your inner most beings. Blogging is safe and make it easier to open up. You find people that are like yourself, that don't judge. Many times we feel so alone, but it is good to be able to find those that don't judge you. You can open up and be yourself without fear. Your friends help define who you are. I have not been bloggin a year yet, but I have meet so many wonderful freinds. They can be honest and yet kind. I guess we are all growing and changing each day. Some days are good and other days are not as good. It is just the way life is. I know I am rambling, but that's OK too. Hugs to everyone! We all can use a safe hug.

New Therapist

I'm going to see a new therapist next week and I am very anxious. I'm hoping this will help me get my feet planted on the ground. My doctor really wants to step up the treatment plan. He even was talking about in patient treatment, which I really want to avoid. PK has been helping me stay focused and I am really thankful for her help. I guess sometimes you have to lean on someone else when you can't do it alone. I miss my pastor so much. We still don't have anyone in mind to take his place. In my mind no one will ever be able to replace him. The picture show how I feel right now. I know everything is going to work out. I'm just exhausted from trying to figure things out. I am so thankful for all my blogger friends that have helped me the past few weeks. I am not sure what I would have done without the support.

Dry ground

The snow is starting to melt, thank goodness. I was beginning to get cabin fever. I need to restock the food supply. The last time I went to the store they were running out of milk and other things. I want to thank everyone that added input to my last post. It has been helpful looking for my next steps. You have also made me feel a bit more hopeful. It is a real good feeling that you can post how you feel without worry about losing your friends.

Seems like being snow in gives me too much time to think. I am interested in knowing what others think about PTSD. I have been given so many different diagnosis, but this is one that has been there since I was a teenager. I am also told I'm bi-polar and that was first diagnosis when I was in my early twenties. One thearpist told me she believed I had MPD due to the violence in my childhood. I have tried to just cope, but it seems the more pressure I'm under the more problems I have. I currently am not seeing a thearpist just my doctor. I have never found a thearpist that I can open up to. I think my doctor is great, but he is currently treating me for PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I've been under a lot of stress and that seem to be causing me to have more lost pieces of time, that I can not remember what I have done. The stress also seems to becausing me to have more nightmares and "flash backs". Is this command with the PTSD? I have never stayed with a thearpist very long, because it seemed the past was just too painful to deal with. I keep thinking that by this time in my life the childhood abuse issues should be over, but it never seem to go away. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk with anyone about the past, but its like if I don't deal with it then it didn't happen. Is it possible to get over PTSD without dealing with what happened? How long can what happened in childhood effect ones daily life? Maybe now would be the best time to try to deal with this since I'm on disability. I just don't know how to find someone that you can be comfortable talking to. My pastor was the best person I ever talked with now he is gone. Maybe that why I 'm having more problems again. I can not stop thinking about harming myself. I know that is wrong, but the feeling are so strong. I keep hiding from my friends and I am isolating more and more. I know I am rambling on and on, but I need to get out these feelings. Has anyone else been there and what did you do to get better. I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ice

I am ready for a little warm weather. Today is the 3rd day we have been covered in ice. It did stop with the freezing rain, but there is still a danger of more power outages due to the winds. It is so cold and I hate being "trapped" in the house this long. Seems we are out to set records this year. We have already had a big snow and now we have this ice storm to add to the books. Today the sun is shinning, but it's in the twenties. At least we have love to keep us warm.

Looking for Information

I was wanting some input on bi-polar depression. I'm bi-polar and it seems every time the mania is controled the depression takes over. I'm on Geodon and Paxil ( just started this one). I think my doctor is excellant, but I am having a hard time getting out of the depression. Has anyone tried light thearpy with bi-polar depression and did it work? We have tried so many antidepressant with little improvement. I so tired of being depressed, so I am looking for suggestions from anyone that might have some ideas.

I got Tagged

Let see 5 things you don't know about me. Thanks PK.

1. I'm very shy and have trouble meeting people most of the time.
2. I've always wanted to be an ice skater. (I have a hard time walking across the floor with out tripping. lol)
3. I love to buy things for other people.
4. My curiosity tends to get me in trouble.
5. I think pets are easier to understand than people.

Now my favorite Musicals

1. Annie Get Your Gun
2. Oklahoma
3. Four Tickets to Christmas
4. Wizzard of OZ
5. Sound of Music

Now it my turn to tag people!

1. Wolf
2. Mysti
3. JIP
4. Jade
5. Raine
6. Cheesemeister
7. Fallen Angel

Reflections and Resolutions

It is the time of the year to look back and remember. It is time to set goal for next year. I can call 2006 a good year because I learned so much. This was a year that was full of rough spots, but I learned so much this year. I have learned how much we need others. I have always been one to do everything myself. This year I have started trusting others more. I have started to reach out more to others and it has added so much more enjoyment to my life. It has been an emotional year, but again I feel there has been healing in this area of my life too. My faith is stronger. I discovered a world of new friends by blogging. I learned to slow down and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend. Next year I really want to continue the emotional healing and work on becoming more phycially healthy. I want to paint more and write more. I want to become closer to my friends. I want to be a better friend to those that mean so much to me.

A New Year

A new year is about to begin. I'm looking forward to letting 2006 go. It has been a rough year, but I have made many new friends, which made the year a good one. I have learned how much we need people and the importance of friendships. A new year always bring with it a time to make improvements. I think my biggest goal for next year will be to try to improve my health. I want to continue to make my friendships stronger and increase my faith. I wish all my blogger friends a very Happy New Year.

People That Know

It's nice to know that there are friends that know you and accept you just the way you are. You can be comfortable to say what you need to say. You can say nothing, yet still feel loved and accepted. You don't have to wear a mask to hide the "real'' you. I am thankful for these friends that accept me with all my faults. I can be myself without fear of being judged. I'm so glad I have these friends. You are more than just a mental illness. You are you and that is OK. What could be better. These friends help you grow. They love you for who you are. Nothing is better. Hugs to those that can accept without judgement. Thank you for being there!

Christmas

Christmas is coming just around the corner. We have been keeping busy and just wanted to tale a few minutes to be thankful for all the good things we have. Friends and family bring joy to the days. The meaning of Christmas and the wonderful gift of Jesus. Christmas may not bring joy to everyone and to those we wish a special peace . A time to make new memories. A time to be thankful for all our friends. Christmas is more than gifts. Christmas is a time to share our love.

Losing Control

Seems like everyday there are more unpleasant changes happening. I'm feeling a little shakey right now. Two dear friends are moving and that is very stressful. Today I found out that another link of my support system is being removed. My church has always been a strong support for me. At the end of the month we will have lost 3 out of the 4 ministry staff from the church. Each of these people have helped me so much through rough times. I find myself holding on tightly to my faith. I still have friends at my church to hold on to, but the loss seems so great. Right now PK is "holding my hand" to help me adjust to all of the changes. I have thought about trying to run away from all the stress, but know that is not the answer. Things are tense in my family right now too. I need to make some decisons, but do not feel I am thinking clearly enough to do so. A year ago I never dreamed I would be where I am today! Support system shaken, health failing, and financial stress, all seems more than I can deal with. Old coping skills seem to be pushing into my mind. Bad memories and "black outs" are happening more frequently. I feel like I am spinning out of control. I'm sorry this is such a depressing post, but I need to find a way to get some of this "stuff" out. I am open for any and all suggestions!

Snow

Our frist winter storm has come in over the last two days.My joints are hurting and I'm getting a little cabin fever. My driveway is the biggest problem since it is on a fairly step hill. We are hoping it will be better by Sunday. It is beautiful, but does limit what we can do. It's a good time for hot chocolate and soup. All the children are out of school and I have been watching the neigborhood children playing in the snow. It's a good day to put up the indoor Christmas decorations. Only 24 more days until Christmas. I think I will work on my Christmas cards today.

Too Much

I'm trying so hard to hold everything together right now, but I feel like I about to come apart. So much has happened in the last few months and I am exhausted from trying to keep up. My health has been poor, I have no job, applying for disability has been stressful, and I feel my support system is falling apart.
This morning I been on the phone all day trying to get my cobra insurance plan straighten out and still by the end of the day nothing. I been working on this now over a week and now I'm totally out of my medicine. Seems nobody can figure out why I can't get my perscriptions filled. They charge me a month worth of insurance for one day. This shouldn't be so hard!
Please don't get me wrong some things have been going well. It is just that right now I can not seem to handle all of this stress. I'm crying all the time and am totally exhausted. I'm not thinking clearly and it seems that is my biggest problem.

Change

Seems in life we can not stop change. A very good friend is moving. I know that we will keep in touch by e-mail, letters, and phone, but it will not be the same. My heart hurts. Not being able to see and hug this person will cause a void. I'm happy for the fact it is a good move for them, but am sadden by the lost of being able to see them in person. I guess I'm being selfish, but I really hate to see them move. Change is just hard to deal with.

Turkey is in the Oven

The turkey is in the oven and the smell of food fills the house. Waiting on family to arrive for a time of fellowship and thanksgiving. It is a wonderful thing to know you are blessed. It wonderful to think of all your friends and family. I hope all of my friends are having a great day.