Thanks for being my Friend

I just want to thank everyone for their support and friendship. I think it takes the support of others to heal and get over things that have happened. Again thank you everyone for your kindness and support!

Abuse and Emotions

***Trigger Warning****
I feel I must be honest with myself and let someone know the emotions that I had one terrible day in my life. I have told brief episodes about the abuse that molded my life, but I have never been able to attach my emotions to the abuse. At a very young age I learned to block out emotions, pain, and even myself. I became what was expected. Different people at different times, but always what was expected.
I was child of four years old when my stepdad started molesting me. But what I want to get out was what happen at the age of 10 years old. I had sneaked away with some friends to go swimming. I had to sneak away because "good girls" don't wear swimming suits. I didn't laugh much as a child, but was laughing with my friends when my stepdad and mother pulled up. I knew I was going to get beaten, but I never knew how evil my stepdad was until that day. He immediatly bloody my mouth and nose with a quick punch to the face. He was screaming I was a "no good little whore." I didn't know what that was , but was terrified by his anger.
When we arrived at the house he had already removed his belt and was beating me as we went in. My mother followed and keep saying "you brought this on yourself young lady." I was kicked and pulled back to their bedroom where I was then thrown on the bed. My arms and legs where then tied to the bed as he continued to slap me as I tried to fight back. He then pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut off my clothes. I was so terrified and was shaking. He cut my underdeveloped breast with the knife as he screamed at me. He stuck his hand hard inside me, and I felt hot liquid runing down me. The pain was horrible, I almost passed out. He removed his pants and proceeded to rape me. He was too big for me and the pain was unbearable. I was only whimpering at this point, too afaird to cry out. My mother betrayed me, she did not help. She let him do this terrible thing. I was left tied for hours and he would return to beat and rape me again. This was not the last time he raped me, but it was the most brutal. The injuries I substained that night prevented me from going back to school for several months.
My feelings were of total betrayal,worthlessness, and total humiliation.

This is my story!

Exercise

I started "day one" on my new exercise program. I'm exhaused, but at least I started! I've forgotten how many days it takes to make this a habit, but the first one is done! Now what I need is someone to encourage me to keep this up. For health reason I must do this. With the connective tissue disease, I'm in a lot of pain. That is all the more reason this is important. I need to keep the joints from becoming stiff to reduce the pain. I know that exercise will also help my mood, and recently it could really use a boost. I'm trying not to think of this just for weight lost, but to improve my health. Believe me losing weight would be a great benefit, but I need to take better care of myself. I'm told, sensible exercise is one of the best things I can do for my health problems. Maybe there is more exercise than pushing the buttons on the remote control. Wish me what it takes to make this a life style change!

What makes us who we are?

Having had too much time to think recently, I have been wondering "what makes us who we are?" I look back on my past and wonder how much of who I am is because of what happen to me in childhood? How much is genetics? How much was choices I have made? Can someone who experienced extreme trauma become all they would have become if they had no trauma? Does trauma make you stronger? In all I am glad I can still see good in others. So maybe in the end, it does all work out. We do have a say in who we become. Events, DNA, and choices are all in the mix. We can only control our choices.

Out Of Town

I'm going to be out of town for the next few days. I will be returning Saturday. See you then!

Worry

Our pastor spoke on "Don't Worry Be Happy" today. I must be the "Queen of Worry." He gave some stats that were very interesting.

An average person's anxiety is focused on;
40% -- things that will never happen
30% -- things about the past that can not be changed
12% -- things about criticism by others, mostly untrue
10% -- about health, which gets worse with stress
8% -- about real problems that will be faced.

The most interesting fact is "worry" doesn't change anything! Worry just hurts us and makes us more stressed. I guess it is better "To let go, and let God" anyway you look at it.

Friends

I feel I am so blessed with great friends. I used to consider myself a "loner". I didn't need, want, or have time for friends. Now my friends are one of the most important parts of my life. We laugh, cry, and play together. We share the good, the bad, and the ugly . We pray for each other and have fun together. Now I know that taking the time to make a friend is worth more than anything money can buy. Friends are a gift from God.

Kindness

Kindness can mean so much to a person that is having a rough day. You never really know what is going on in someone's life. A smile, a hug, a friendly word, can make all the difference in the world to someone when things are not going well. A smile cost nothing but gives so much. I know several people have kept me going by small acts of kindness. Nothing is more important than friends and being kind to each others. Kindness is the gift that keeps giving.

Rain

We are suppose to get rain tonight. With the temperatures running over 100 degrees that should provide some relief. Rain can be a wonderful thing. Even in your life some "rain" produces new growth, changes, and more color to life. The problem is, I feel I can not get out of the rain storm. I feel like I'm drowning in the storm. A couple of people have said "you need to get over it". I'm not sure what "it" is at this point. I beleive that if you can't say something good, you should keep your mouth shut. I do feel it is safe to say what I feel here. Sadness seems to be choking me and I don't even know why I am so sad. IF there was a reason then I could handle it. Not knowing why I have been this way is almost as bad as the saddness. I know this can not last forever, but it's not any fun. I see my "T" and "doc" this week. I hope someone can help! I guess I'll try to put on a little smile and pretend everything is fine. Thanks for putting up with me. I'm sorry I have been so blue recently.

A Place Called Home

A Place Called Home

by Wanda Arthington

Sad, lonely, broken, and all alone
My soul searches for a place called home
A place of safetly and soft retreat
A place to hear music, oh so sweet

A place to be, who you are
A place to come, when you gone far
No masks are need in your home
You're safe, sheltered, and never alone

Home is not a house built of wood or stone
I live in the satfety, in this place called home
Jesus loves and lives in this place today
Home is a place where I'm not afaird to stay

I found a home of friends to share
All the problems, dreams, and all my cares
A home has become a quite retreat
As I learn to worship at Jesus' feet

Home is not what I remember of long ago
Home now is a safe place where I go
Saftey , shealter, and love enough to share
With eternal hope and Jesus in the center there

Stablized?

I told my doctor I had been very depressed now for last two weeks. He says " Now we got your mood stablized we can treat the depression." What? Can someone explaine that comment! I'm taking a poll. What is the best anitdepressant out there? I believe I've been on them all. Just trying to see what has worked for other people. The latest drug of choice is Lexapro. Good or bad? What's the vote?

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

I was looking for something that would encourage and uplift myself and others. These pictures were so cute, I thought they might just do the trick. The saying are so true! Hope you enjoy!

Mask

Mask

I put on my mask so no one can see
All the faces and pain inside of me
I become that person you want me to be
I never can show you the real me

A little gril wants to laught and play
But inside of me is where she will stay.
The teen inside hides all the shame
She has alrealy learned to play the game.

Protector and keeper, brave and ture
No one will ever see she's sad and blue
She's tough and fights will all of her might
She must protect from the things that are just not right.

Out side you see the mask I put in it's place
As I pretent to be brave and run this race.
Inside I cry and pray for someone to see
And pain and tears locked deep inside of me.

Wanda Arthington

Refinanced

Well the house refinancing went through and I have been busy paying everyone off. Yeah!
PAID IN FULL- wonderful words! The house, well maybe in twenty more years. This does help some of the stress. Now there will be only one major bill to worry about. It's always good to reduce stress. Speaking of stress, did you know it is now less than 5 months until Christmas? Just something to think about. lol

I'm OK

Just letting everyone know I'm ok. I'm still fighting depression, but I am safe. I didn't want to do a blogger" no no" and drop off the face of the planet after telling everyone I was depressed.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love Him."