Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Abuse and Emotions

***Trigger Warning****
I feel I must be honest with myself and let someone know the emotions that I had one terrible day in my life. I have told brief episodes about the abuse that molded my life, but I have never been able to attach my emotions to the abuse. At a very young age I learned to block out emotions, pain, and even myself. I became what was expected. Different people at different times, but always what was expected.
I was child of four years old when my stepdad started molesting me. But what I want to get out was what happen at the age of 10 years old. I had sneaked away with some friends to go swimming. I had to sneak away because "good girls" don't wear swimming suits. I didn't laugh much as a child, but was laughing with my friends when my stepdad and mother pulled up. I knew I was going to get beaten, but I never knew how evil my stepdad was until that day. He immediatly bloody my mouth and nose with a quick punch to the face. He was screaming I was a "no good little whore." I didn't know what that was , but was terrified by his anger.
When we arrived at the house he had already removed his belt and was beating me as we went in. My mother followed and keep saying "you brought this on yourself young lady." I was kicked and pulled back to their bedroom where I was then thrown on the bed. My arms and legs where then tied to the bed as he continued to slap me as I tried to fight back. He then pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut off my clothes. I was so terrified and was shaking. He cut my underdeveloped breast with the knife as he screamed at me. He stuck his hand hard inside me, and I felt hot liquid runing down me. The pain was horrible, I almost passed out. He removed his pants and proceeded to rape me. He was too big for me and the pain was unbearable. I was only whimpering at this point, too afaird to cry out. My mother betrayed me, she did not help. She let him do this terrible thing. I was left tied for hours and he would return to beat and rape me again. This was not the last time he raped me, but it was the most brutal. The injuries I substained that night prevented me from going back to school for several months.
My feelings were of total betrayal,worthlessness, and total humiliation.


wolfbaby said...

Ohh honey... i am so sorry for what you went through but so proud of you for the progress you have made and the courage you show now.. hugs my friend and thank you for Standing Tall...

there is no reason for you to feel shame only the monster that hurt you should feel that..

Breeya said...

I am at loss of words.
As I was reading my stomach crunched.

I find very significant that you quote your mothers words. How terrible is having to through that brutality, how much worse is when one is made to feel one deserves it.
I am so sorry they both did this to you.

I also have a lot of trouble to express the emotions, I tend to talk about the facts only. What you´ve done is hard, very hard.

Marj aka Thriver said...

I've been really affected by people's blog posts the last couple of days, so I need to come back and catch up with you and comment more then. For now: ((((((((Wanda)))))))) safe hugs

brian said...

I truly have no words to express my sorrow for the girl that was you. Emotions are difficult to attach to events that traumatic.
Yes, you do show great courage and I feel for you.

mysti said...

I can only imagine how hard this was for you to write Wanda. Doing so though is a huge step to recovery.

I am at a total loss for words as to express how hurt I am for that little girl who now is a full grown woman. I am in tears just reading what you went through.


It took so much courage to write this I know. Now I hope the healing will hopefully begin. Know that you are in my prayers.

Jade said...

Wanda, I'm so sorry you had to go through something like that. Its not fair. Especially to such a young girl. You are brave in that yes it may hurt to carry that around, but you're still strong enough to carry it. Certain days are harder than others, that I know, but stay as strong as you can girl, talk about it as much as you can, and one day that load might not feel as heavy.
You're in my prayers (((Wanda)))

jumpinginpuddles said...

what you went through sucked big time and dont you ever think it was your fault, a kids a kid an adults an adult, but in saying that made me wanna do soemthing to your dad for this, i hope he oh never mind :P

Wanda's Wings said...

Thank each of you for your support. I think it was a step in the right directions doing this post.

Raine said...

How very horrid. its amazing you have survived. I am happy that you have tho. you should be proud of the bravery you shown in your recovery

Dream Writer said...

I am so sorry for what you went through. Writing things down helps, you get your frustrations out and the silence revealed.

You have lots of courage and strength.

keepers said...

We are sorry for your pain, physical and emotional, too many of us out here know that feeling. Please know you are cared for and prayed for.

peace and blessings and hugs if you want them