A Little Better

Well at least I've been able to get out of bed. I'm so tired of being depressed and anxious. I'm afraid to admit to my doc and T how depressed I really am, because I don't want back in the hospital. I was able to make it to work today, but it took everything I had to do it. I won't be alone this weekend, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure I can handle the stress of trying to be around a draining person. Maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to remember these feeling will go away. Even my faith is shaky now. I just feel the need for someone to take care of me. Isn't that the stupidest thought you have ever heard. A grown woman wanting someone to just take care of things for a little bit. I guess I'm improving because I'm crying now. I want to thank my friends for their support. I haven't felt like going to other blogs and I'm sorry. I'm better than yesterday, so maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm sorry I'm so sad right now. Thanks for understanding.

Mother's Day

As I pulled in my garage I thought of closing the door and letting the car run until I feel into a deep sleep. Why? Thinking about Mother's Day. Everyone having happy thoughts about love and kindness. Mother's Day brings other memories to our mind. Sadness, Betrayal, and Pain. I know it just a day, but I hate it. My own failures are in my face. Love? Yes for my children it is unconditional. Are we so damaged that we harm those we love most. Mother WHY??? Was I not good enough? Was I too ugly? Why did you have us? "A wasted F...K" you said. Will those words ever go away? How could you have given us like an offering to unspeakable abuse. Yes our dad. The only day we hate more than Mother's Day is Father's Day. Strong enough to make it one more time. Must try. Must try. OH God why are some chidren born for abuse? WHY?? Where is the justice? Must be strong to prevent hurt to my children. So much pain! So much pain! IT's just a day to remember.

Rain

It has been raining almost constantly for the last 2 weeks. I'm feeling a little sunshine deprived. You would think being stuck inside would inspire a cleaning spree, but it hasn't. I have been kind of down in the dumps, so I haven't been keeping up with my blogging. I'm starting to pull out of the depression a little bit and am getting a few more things done. It seems when I am depressed I just can't do anything. I've been trying to loose some weight, but it is so difficult. I have been doing some exercise, which should help the mood and weight lost.

Broken Inside

It's raining and cold and my mood seems to match the dark skies. I just decided to write what we are feeling as if no one will read this. There is a deep loneliness that nothing can fill. Yet I isolate from those I call friends. I'm not to sure why anyone would want to be my friend. I feel I have so little to offer. I hurt when others around me hurt and can feel their pain, but seem to have little to give others. So many voices inside of me tell me it not worth it. So much sadness that I can find a way out. There has to be a path that will bring me out of this. There must be an answer somewhere. If I knew what was causing the problem I would work on it. Broken inside is the best way to describe the feelings. Dark,cold, and alone. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to pick up the phone. It's hard to even move.

Happy Easter

April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

One in every six women and one in every 33 men will be victims of an sexual assault. The numbers are overwhelming. The devastation of the assaults is even more overwhelming. Many of the victims are under the age of 18 years old. The damage can last a life time. Victims of early abuse are often repeatedly victimized in later years. Some victimize others later in life. There is a definite cycle of abuse related to early sexual assault. We believe getting the word out can help. Telling our personal stories and how this has affect our lives is important. We believe that healing is possible with a lot of work.Treatment must be available. Laws need to be enforced. Victims need to be able to speak out without fear of being re victimized by the system. Knowledge is a powerful tool and our friend.

Taking Care of Yourself

I saw my psychiatrist today and he told me I needed to start taking better care of myself and not trying to fix every one's problems. He said I operate too much in a guilt mode and over things that I had no control over to begin with. I know he is right and I'm over responsible and try to be everything for everybody, but it's hard to change. I think he is right if I don't stop I am really going to crash and burn. If I can just make it through this week I can slow down a little. I have to take my friend to two doctors this week. I have already had to go to DHS to turn in some paper work for my son. My poor house needs a good cleaning, but there are only so many hours in a day. Maybe next week will be better.

Exhausted

Sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth. Right after I was discharged from the hospital a good friend of mine was in a bad auto accident. I have been staying with her, helping her around the house, shopping, and taking her to appointments etc. Needless to say I'm exhausted. I got a chances to go home for a couple of days to catch up on my "Stuff". Keeping busy has kept my mind off all the things going on in my life right now. I'll try to make it around to everybody site to catch up before I go back to her house. She doesn't like computers and doesn't have one. I can't image no computer! Thanks everyone for checking up on me. I'm still hanging in there!

Trigger warning The Molested Child

This subject is weighing heavy on my mind. I will mostly likely ramble and not make a lot of sense. I was molested from the age of 4-16 by my step dad. No help was ever there and the impact on my life has been devastating. I learned no boundaries and I married a man that had been molested as a child. I suffered from PTSD and had totally blocked out that these things had happened. Not remembering caused me to not see red flags in my own marriage. I was a workaholic. I worked 60-80 hours per week, leaving my children with a man that had been molested himself as a child. My X was also physically and verbally abusive to me and the children. Since this type of abuse also happen when I was growing up it seemed normal. I did not recognize the dangers in my own home. I know adult make a choice to abuse children and I thank God I never hurt my children in this way. I regret to say it was happening in my own home. I did divorce the man before I knew what he was doing, but the damage was done. Today both of my children suffer from mental disorders . They too can not remember what has happened, but my X admits he was "inappropriate" with them. He has also confessed in court to the molestation of his daughter from his second marriage. I found out today he will be spending time in prison for this act. I see only pain and hopelessness. I feel if I had been aware so much would be different. The pain must end some how some way! The abuse must stop!

Struggling

Right now I am struggling with my PTSD. I'm having a lot of flash backs and having trouble coping on a daily bases. I'm fighting with the desire to SI and can not seem to get my act together. The memories are so strong right now. I am having physcial symtoms of the abuse. Sleep is no relieve of the pain. I'm not sure why I am struggling so much right now. I'm almost afaird to leave the house because of the flash backs. Maybe this is because I'm trying to deal with some of the issues of the abuse. It maybe because of physcial fatique. This happend so long ago it is hard to belive how much it is impacting me right now. Every thing seems to be triggering the emotions and flash backs, I see my doctor tommorrow and I'm wondering if things are so out of control I should be admitted. I can't seem to talk with my friends and support system right now. I'm messing up on simple tasks and am afaird to trust myself.

It seems that some days you just can't do anything right. I knocked my side view mirror off the car. I hurt my foot. Seems like I should have just stayed in bed! I know, whine, whine, whine! It just seems recently I have been having a run of bad luck. Nothing major, just those annoying little things that can get under your skin. You know the kind of junk I mean. The drive up can not get the order right. You drop you money on the ground. You hit your head on the car door picking up the money. I guess I had just better laugh it all off. Well here is looking to a better tomorrow!

Met New Therpist

I met with my new therapist today. I talked my fool head off. We talked about the flashbacks and how to focus on some object in the present. We also talked about how I had blocked out my past and how it seems to be a method for coping with things that is now second nature to me. He stated I have learned from a very young age how "not to be present" or "leave at will". I think I'm going to be able to open up to this one, at least I did today. I see him again in three weeks. I see my doctor in two weeks. He really wanted to see me more often, but I have to space things out due to money. It started off OK, so I am hoping for the best.

Today is the superbowl and I am going to a party. I must say football is not my favorite sport, but I am looking forward to the fellowship. My good friend is having the party at her house, but I am a bit concerned about her. She really fighting some difficult memories and other issue now, so I am hoping the party will bring her some peace and support. Food and laughter is goood for the soul. I have got my dish in the oven so I can't spend too much time on the computer or I'll be taking a burnt offering inside of desert. I hope everyone is enjoying today. Deeper thoughts next time!

You are who you are. People either accept and love you or they can turn away. So much has been happening and so many changes. Things that you don't think will effect you do. Sometimes it take someone else to look at what is going on to make sense of it. Being honest and open can be hard when you are used to protecting your inner most beings. Blogging is safe and make it easier to open up. You find people that are like yourself, that don't judge. Many times we feel so alone, but it is good to be able to find those that don't judge you. You can open up and be yourself without fear. Your friends help define who you are. I have not been bloggin a year yet, but I have meet so many wonderful freinds. They can be honest and yet kind. I guess we are all growing and changing each day. Some days are good and other days are not as good. It is just the way life is. I know I am rambling, but that's OK too. Hugs to everyone! We all can use a safe hug.

New Therapist

I'm going to see a new therapist next week and I am very anxious. I'm hoping this will help me get my feet planted on the ground. My doctor really wants to step up the treatment plan. He even was talking about in patient treatment, which I really want to avoid. PK has been helping me stay focused and I am really thankful for her help. I guess sometimes you have to lean on someone else when you can't do it alone. I miss my pastor so much. We still don't have anyone in mind to take his place. In my mind no one will ever be able to replace him. The picture show how I feel right now. I know everything is going to work out. I'm just exhausted from trying to figure things out. I am so thankful for all my blogger friends that have helped me the past few weeks. I am not sure what I would have done without the support.

Dry ground

The snow is starting to melt, thank goodness. I was beginning to get cabin fever. I need to restock the food supply. The last time I went to the store they were running out of milk and other things. I want to thank everyone that added input to my last post. It has been helpful looking for my next steps. You have also made me feel a bit more hopeful. It is a real good feeling that you can post how you feel without worry about losing your friends.

Seems like being snow in gives me too much time to think. I am interested in knowing what others think about PTSD. I have been given so many different diagnosis, but this is one that has been there since I was a teenager. I am also told I'm bi-polar and that was first diagnosis when I was in my early twenties. One thearpist told me she believed I had MPD due to the violence in my childhood. I have tried to just cope, but it seems the more pressure I'm under the more problems I have. I currently am not seeing a thearpist just my doctor. I have never found a thearpist that I can open up to. I think my doctor is great, but he is currently treating me for PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I've been under a lot of stress and that seem to be causing me to have more lost pieces of time, that I can not remember what I have done. The stress also seems to becausing me to have more nightmares and "flash backs". Is this command with the PTSD? I have never stayed with a thearpist very long, because it seemed the past was just too painful to deal with. I keep thinking that by this time in my life the childhood abuse issues should be over, but it never seem to go away. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk with anyone about the past, but its like if I don't deal with it then it didn't happen. Is it possible to get over PTSD without dealing with what happened? How long can what happened in childhood effect ones daily life? Maybe now would be the best time to try to deal with this since I'm on disability. I just don't know how to find someone that you can be comfortable talking to. My pastor was the best person I ever talked with now he is gone. Maybe that why I 'm having more problems again. I can not stop thinking about harming myself. I know that is wrong, but the feeling are so strong. I keep hiding from my friends and I am isolating more and more. I know I am rambling on and on, but I need to get out these feelings. Has anyone else been there and what did you do to get better. I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ice

I am ready for a little warm weather. Today is the 3rd day we have been covered in ice. It did stop with the freezing rain, but there is still a danger of more power outages due to the winds. It is so cold and I hate being "trapped" in the house this long. Seems we are out to set records this year. We have already had a big snow and now we have this ice storm to add to the books. Today the sun is shinning, but it's in the twenties. At least we have love to keep us warm.

Looking for Information

I was wanting some input on bi-polar depression. I'm bi-polar and it seems every time the mania is controled the depression takes over. I'm on Geodon and Paxil ( just started this one). I think my doctor is excellant, but I am having a hard time getting out of the depression. Has anyone tried light thearpy with bi-polar depression and did it work? We have tried so many antidepressant with little improvement. I so tired of being depressed, so I am looking for suggestions from anyone that might have some ideas.

I got Tagged

Let see 5 things you don't know about me. Thanks PK.

1. I'm very shy and have trouble meeting people most of the time.
2. I've always wanted to be an ice skater. (I have a hard time walking across the floor with out tripping. lol)
3. I love to buy things for other people.
4. My curiosity tends to get me in trouble.
5. I think pets are easier to understand than people.

Now my favorite Musicals

1. Annie Get Your Gun
2. Oklahoma
3. Four Tickets to Christmas
4. Wizzard of OZ
5. Sound of Music

Now it my turn to tag people!

1. Wolf
2. Mysti
3. JIP
4. Jade
5. Raine
6. Cheesemeister
7. Fallen Angel