Thursday, January 29, 2009
I am feeling depressed today. I not sure if it is the weather and being trapped in the house or what, but I hate feeling like this. I've called a couple of friends and read my favorite blogs to cheer up and that has helped a bit. I really have got to get to the drug store an pick up my anti depressant. Some times I wonder how I would do without any medicine. Those of you that pray just remember me today. I just need a little extra help.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tulsa is covered in ice as it continues to come down. The roads are dangerous and a lot of business are closed for the day. Schools are shut down, but at least the power lines have not been affected like they where last year. There was a point yesterday that every road had a reported accident on it. One of the main highways had a major 30 car pile up. I made it home from work without a problem, until I got to my driveway. I fell and had to crawl to the grass because I could not stand up. My driveway is on a slop that is kind of steep. Today I am really sore and stiff. It is not expected to get above freezing until Thursday, so I guess I will be staying home until then. I am very thankful that the power has stayed on this storm.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Today I hate my mobile home. It has low flow toilets that always stop up. I just love spending the morning messing with a toilet. Oh. I just had to rant a little bit. Next week when I only have to pay lot rent instead of a mortgage payment,I'll like my mobile home again.
Friday, January 23, 2009
I got my full sized Yorkie yesterday. She is very loving, but very nervous. She is suppose to be house broken, but is not doing too well with that. I guess it the new environment and all. She does go when I take her out (which is frequently), but also has accidents. She is still afraid of Chris, but getting better around him. I don't think she was around too many males before. We are already getting attached to each other. I think this will really help with my depression. Also I am getting exercise walking the dog.
My new therapist called yesterday and gave me her pager number and told me if I needed her at any time to just give her a page. That really impressed me, but kind of caught me off guard. She also worked me in for a sooner appointment next Friday. She sounded like she was concerned and very nice.
I had a flashback at my part time job Wednesday. Not cool! Fortunately it was in the back room in medical records and nobody saw or heard anything. I have been under a lot of stress, so I guess that is what triggered it. I can not afford to lose the part time job. The disability check alone is not enough to make it.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Since my bi-polar is more stable than it has been in two years, my doctor has requested my therapist work on my PTSD. She is concerned about how frequently I dissociate and/or back out. I have done this all my life, but I am really afraid of going back into my past history. Medical records,scars, and witness have told me things that I still find hard to believe. My own memories are there,but "not real". It's like I can sometime see and feel the pain, but it's not really me. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I can say I was sexual abused as a child, but it is words. I can say there was physical abuse, but again it is just words. The pains and the dreams I feel now are real,but not. I really feel it, but there is no one here. I am not even sure where here is when it happens. My mind can not comprehend that these things did happen. I hope my therapist is good.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I am a happy as can be. I am not going to let anyone steal away my ability to enjoy life. Yes things are different now. Money is tighter. I'm taking a ton of medicine, but I am still me. I just learned a new computer system, so I do have the ability to learn. I had a wonderful weekend. Maybe I was a little hypo manic. I may have found a dog. She is a small Yorkie. We are going to have to see if she gets along with my son's cat. I so want it to work out. Kind of blew my diet today. Had homemade potato soup, bread sticks, now here come the bad part,a big piece chocolate cake. I'll have to do better tomorrow and ride the bike a few extra minutes tonight. My stupid car is acting up, but there has always got to be something going on to keep life interesting. You know It has to happen on the weekend when there is no way to get it checked out. It would not go over thirty miles per hour so I missed church today. I really love the signing and our pastor is a good speaker, so it would have topped off an excellent weekend. I really need to do a load of laundry and run to the night deposit at the bank. I hope every one had a good weekend.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
All my life I've worked hard to improve myself and be a better person. I was a bit of a workaholic. I had been in a supervisory position for 25 years in the medical profession until two years ago when I had to go on disability. I considered myself intelligent as well as a hard worker.
In my last session with my therapist she said something that I just can not get out of my mind. She told me due to my connective tissue disease and bi-polar disease I would most likely never have the same level of cognitive functioning skills again. I have lost so much in the last two years this statement eats away at the very core of my being. I have always been an over comer. This make me feel hopeless and useless. How can an illness steal so much from you? How do you deal with the loss of your ability to think clearly?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I'm being moved from my new therapist to another one because of some kind of clinic policy about a doctor I had seen. I really liked this one, even if I had only seen her two times. She had a good suggestion that I had never given much thought to. I have chronic pain,so she told me that could also affect the depression side of my bi-polar disorder. I now have given myself permission to go ahead and treat the pain with the medicines that have been prescribed for me. It does seem to be helping some. I can't believe I have to wait another month before I can get in to see another new therapist. I hope she will be as good as the one I had. I need someone to talk to really bad. I just seem to be struggling more and more. I am trying not to use some of my old "bad" coping skills. Writing helps some, so I decided to blog. Besides it's a harmless coping skill.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
As I sat down at my computer tonight I was crying from physical and emotional pain. I decided to visit some of my blogging friend sites instead of posting. Every site I went to was so encouraging and up lifting it sparked a bit of hope in my defeated spirit. Each site spoke of hope or the love of God. They reminded me of things I know, but the cares of the last few days had made me forget. I am so thankful for all my friends in blogging land. YOU have really made a difference for me tonight.