Today is Positive Day

1. I am so thankful I can say I am healing from the scars of sexual abuse.
2. I am thankful for two wonderful children.
3. I am thankful for my friends in blogging land and the support they give me.
4. I am thankful that God gives me strength, when I am weak.
5. I am thankful for those that accept and love me in spite of my faults.
   

I Want to Sleep

I need to go to sleep,but my mind is racing. I been having nightmares anyway, so I not sure why I want to sleep for anyway. I have been messing with my blog trying to add a meter counter,but I am not having any luck. Maybe I just need to give it a rest.

So It 's Raining

I was just thinking, that some times rain spoils our plans, but in the end it cause green grass and flowers. I am looking forward to my brighter day.

Weary

I know you are not suppose to become weary, but I am. I am so tired of trying to remain stable. I am tired of struggling with the severe mood changes and the sadness that overwhelms me almost daily. I can't think straight and make stupid mistakes. Seems like I can only handle life a few minutes at a time. Someone Please tell me I am not alone. I am so stressed!

Sister

My sister found two lumps in her breasts and had to have both breasts removed. Her kidneys are not strong enough for chemo-therapy,so they want to try her on an experimental drug. This is her second bout with cancer and I am very worried about her. I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her. It seems there is always more month than money.

My Very Frist Post "Broken No More"

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damange to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Just Need to Talk

Tonight I need to talk where I won't be judged. A 3-D friend really hurt me, by saying "Your just a mental case and you need to get over your past". True, I am bi-polar and have PTSD, but really. I am trying to heal from the past. She told me everyone has "bad things" happen when they are children, but only a "weak person" would let it mess up their life.

I suffered both physical and sexual abuse for several years by my step-dad. My mother did not protect me, in fact she helped. I feared for my life more than once. There was no safety for me, no one to stop the abuse. I coped by learning to leave my body. Then it wasn't real. BUT IT WAS REAL! I am getting better slowly. I may never be "normal". I just needed someone to talk with that understands. Abuse hurts.

Feeling Good

I feel great today. I don't know why, but I'm enjoying it!

Some Days are Harder

1. Some days are harder than others, but I have to believe things will get better. The Depakote ER and Abilify seem to be helping stabilize my moods. I am still depressed so I am also on Celexa . Something is causing me to have a lot of stomach problems since they changed my meds. I can not imagine having a month when there is no depression, no wanting to SI, or no crying myself to sleep. I keep busy. Maybe not enough, but with all my health issues, I do the best I can.
2. Today I went to church. I so much enjoy the music, but with all those people around, I still felt alone. I wish I had stronger faith. I wish I wasn't so frighten of people.
3. Money! Why does it have to be such a big issue. I guess I should say the lack of money. Any unexpected expense just blows me out of the waters. The next two months are going to be really rough!
   

Hyper

Man have I been hyper the last two days. You know the"crawling out of your skin" hyper. Saw my doctor today and will see my "T" tomorrow. They are drawing up a hardship letter to see if I can get some drug assistance. That would help my stress so much. They are also working on a scholarship for me so I can see my "T" more often. I sure hope this works out. They have me check in by phone weekly, but for cost sake I am only seeing them once a month. If this "scholarship" is approved I will get to see my "T" once a week. I'm not sleeping well. Having "feeling nightmares". What I mean is that I can feel the physical pain of the abuse in my dreams. Sounds like several of my blogging friends are struggling now also. I wish healing and peace for all.

Confused

I am very confused about God most of the time. I have a friend who used to be my pastor.He showed me what I believed was what God's love is suppose to be like. His name is Randy.You see, I am most frighten of most people.Me and my family would be listed in the dictionary under dysfunctional. I am bi-polar with severe PTSD. Both of my children suffer from major depression and anxiety disorders. Many times "church people" turn away from me and my family. I feel pain when this happens. Randy tells me God loves me and my children the way we are and only wants to help with the pain. My question is why is there so much pain? I know Jesus went through pain, but I am not that strong. I have read other people blogs that seem to struggle with this. Another thing that bothers me is that churches seem to care more for you if you have money. They seem to want undamaged,wealthy people.( NO PROBLEMS PLEASE!) My new pastor won't even talk with you about problems. Is that how God feels?

It Is Better To Write

Right now I want to cut, so I figured writing is better. I have already been vomiting and that has not helped. I am HURTING! God just let me hang on a few more days until I see my therapist! ****TRIGGERING*****Just a child, so young. No longer feels innocent, because of his touches. She leaves her body to escape the rape. Does the child remember what he looks like? I do not. The child is blamed. She causes this. Such a sexy 6 year old. Hair of gold, jumping around. It's her fault. Soon the child is quiet. Never speaking. She just lives. It happens again and again. No one cares. As time passes the little one knows not to fight anymore. To be hit over and over and know not to cry. IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU WANT IT YOU LITTLE WHORE. The child dies, but the body lives. She is not there anymore. Only a shell is left.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY JULY4TH!

Must Someone Die for Change.

For months now I have been in the Medicare "doughnut hole". For those of you not familiar with this it is the time when Medicare will not pay for any Rx until you have paid $4040.00 out of your pocket. My Rx cost is more than my disability check each month. Therefore I can NOT afford my medicine. If you have been watching my blog you can see the effect not having my medicine has had. I wonder if the Medicare standards would be changed if a life was lost due to not being able to get needed medicine. I have exhausted my entire saving and still have no end in site. Loss of hope causes one to think the unthinkable.