Too Much

I'm trying so hard to hold everything together right now, but I feel like I about to come apart. So much has happened in the last few months and I am exhausted from trying to keep up. My health has been poor, I have no job, applying for disability has been stressful, and I feel my support system is falling apart.
This morning I been on the phone all day trying to get my cobra insurance plan straighten out and still by the end of the day nothing. I been working on this now over a week and now I'm totally out of my medicine. Seems nobody can figure out why I can't get my perscriptions filled. They charge me a month worth of insurance for one day. This shouldn't be so hard!
Please don't get me wrong some things have been going well. It is just that right now I can not seem to handle all of this stress. I'm crying all the time and am totally exhausted. I'm not thinking clearly and it seems that is my biggest problem.

Change

Seems in life we can not stop change. A very good friend is moving. I know that we will keep in touch by e-mail, letters, and phone, but it will not be the same. My heart hurts. Not being able to see and hug this person will cause a void. I'm happy for the fact it is a good move for them, but am sadden by the lost of being able to see them in person. I guess I'm being selfish, but I really hate to see them move. Change is just hard to deal with.

Turkey is in the Oven

The turkey is in the oven and the smell of food fills the house. Waiting on family to arrive for a time of fellowship and thanksgiving. It is a wonderful thing to know you are blessed. It wonderful to think of all your friends and family. I hope all of my friends are having a great day.

Thankful

Thanksgiving is only a week away and I've been so depressed recenlty I thought I would list some things I'm thankful for. I know I will only touch a few things, but it is always good to look at all of our blessings.

1. My Children
2. My Friends-3D and cyber
3. My Family
4. My Pastor
5. My Church
6. Good Doctors
7. My House
8. Plenty to Eat
9. Reliable Transportation
10. And Many Many More

Medication Cost

The cost of medication is just simply outrageous! I checked the cost on my bi-polar medication and it was $ 347.17 for a one month supply. That is only one of the 12 medications I have to take. Medication is only one part of the cost of health care. A person with any chronic illness needs to be flat broke for any type of assistant. It seems to me that we condemn anyone with a chronic illness to poverty. Having both an autoimmue illness and mental illness is a one way ticket to poverty. I guess I have ranted enough for one day. I'm just frustrated!

Paintings

This picture represent the innocents of childhood. How pure and sweet children are.

Lighthouse represents peace in a time of storms. I feel my life is a storm right now and my lighthouse is my faith in God.

I just recently started painting and I was wanting some input and suggestions.

Cyber Friends

Since I've been blogging I have made many "cyber friends". I have found I can be honest and not have to put up a front. I can say what I feel. I can let out the pains and hurts. I don't feel judged. I believe there are people that care about me and what is going on in my life. I feel there are people that pray for me. I know I have met people that I deeply care about what happens to them. I met more people that have had some of the same things happen to them. There is no judgement if I'm having a bad day. I am so thankful for my new friendships.

Triggers

I don't understand why everything seems to be triggering my past and the abuse right now. Everytime I turn around something is setting me into a tailspin and I'm reliving my past. I feel very emotional right now. I feel panic and have a hard time grounding myself. It's not just the normal triggers, but it seems like little things are throwing me into an emotional fit. Seeing any father with a small child gives me cold chills. I am crying at the simplest thing. I seem to be disassociating more often. I'm finding I want to withdraw and avoid people.I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm trying to make myself keep in contact with others, but it is so hard. I know there are people that care about me, but I can not seem to reach out to them for help. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way, but I can not shake it. I can not even talk to the new therapist about what is going on. I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. If anyone has any suggestions, please give them to me. I feel so out of control.

Friends

I'm not sure where I would be without my friends. This has been a rough year. Failing heath, finical problems, and family stressors. Most of my life I've been a "loner". I was too afaird to open myself up to friendships. I was afaird of being hurt or used. The last couple of years I have developed some deep friendships. I don't know what I would have done without their support over the past few months. My entire life has changed and I am so thankful for the support of my friends. Making friends was hard for me. My past had taught me not to trust anyone. I built a protective wall around myself and nobody was allowed close to me. I now so enjoy being with my friends. We help and comfort each other in times of need. We laugh and play together. We cry and hug each other when "things" aren't going well. We talk on the phone until the batteries go dead. We enjoy life together. Nothing can compare to friendship.