Tomorrow I will be seeing a new therapist. I'm hoping this is going to help. I've been so depressed for the past several weeks it has been hard to do anything. Even blogging has been difficult. I think I just going to "unload" on this therapist and let the chips fall where they may. I'm hoping that they will be able to decide what is going on. Why I have the "black outs" and why I'm so very depressed. I'v always had trouble opening up with new therapist, but I'm so desperate right now this may be the best answer. This thearapist works in the same group as my doctor so they can share notes and hopefully find out what wrong with me.
The sky is gray and gloomy. The chill is in the air and the cold damp wind is blowing. Rain beats down on everything in sight. Chilled to the bone as the wet cold rain hits your face. The leaves drop off the trees under the beating rain. All of this reminds me that winter is around the corner. The short brisk days with the long cold nights. Now is the time for hot chocolate and cider. A warm blanket and a good book to shorten the long cold nights. A fire in the fireplace glow with a inviting embrace. Yes, summer is now long gone. Now is the time to think and reflect on all that has happened. A time to remember.
As the cool air and fall comes, I remember the fun we used to have. Playing in the leaves and throwing them in the air. Carving of punkins and eating popcorn. Halloween was so much fun then. We would dress up and walk all over the neighborhood. There was no fear, just lots of candy, apples, and fun. Today so much more care is needed for the little ones. They are not as safe as we were. It seems such a shame that world is not as safe as it was. I will be helping at our church's fall festival where the little one can come dressed up for a safe evening of fun, but it still seems that they are missing the fun we had as children so long ago.
I'm still depressed so my doctor is uping my antidepresant. I guess I was on a lower dose of the Lexapro than he thought. He thinks I need to get out more and sleep less. Easier said than done. When your broke, it just easier to stay home. He wanted me to see a new thearpist also. I'm going to be seeing this one in a couple of weeks. With this thearpist my doctor would have more acess to what is going on since they are in the same group. I'm really hoping this will help because I feel no energy right now. It also seems now that I have more time that I'm remembering more of my past. Maybe now is just the right time to get better.
Winds of uncertainty, waves of despairBeat aganist my soul in the nightTempest rage in my mindAs I desperatly seek for a glimmer of lightNothing feel safe, and I'm chilled to the boneThe wave of despair crash against my soulYet in the storm I see Jesus' faceHis hand reached out for me to take holdI think I going to go under the waves.But He tells me I am never aloneI'm safe in His arms as the storm rages onJesus promises to take me safely homeThere is no need to fear the storms of life
No need to worry or tremble in fear
I find safety in His gentle arms
No matter what happens Jesus is near
I don't know why, but the child inside me seems to need something right now. My painting are of this child, that seems alone and hurt. I don't remember much of my childhood. It was deleted as a bad file. Why now would I find this child wanting to be comforted? The abuse is over. It is ancient history. Nothing can change the past. So why now do I feel this child is crying out? I feel the pain and hurt. I can not change what has happen. I can not make it go away. It was long ago blocked out of my mind, but now is pushing to get out. To be made know. Will feeling this again cause healing? She was young and helpless. We are not now. Why is the pain and hurt still so great? How can I help? Does the pain end for the child? Can I help this young small little one?
My friends are commenting on how I'm "just not acting like myself". They say that "something is wrong with me." I know I've been a little depressed and am trying to do all the right things, but apparently it's not working. I feel so tired, but some how unsettled at the same time. There is not much I want to do. I don't know if it's my medication or the situation I'm in. People that don't even know me real well are asking "What's a matter with her?" I don't feel much right now. Not happy, not sad. I just feel "not connected." I'm trying not to stress over not knowing what is going to happen. Maybe I'm just not connected to life right now. I thought I was to hyper and couldn't settle down, but everyone is saying I'm "Just not here." I must say I sick of all the medications that they have tired for the bi-polar disorder. I don't even know what I'm doing that has others concerned. Maybe I'm isolating a little, but I didn't think it was that bad. How can people be worried about me and I not know what is wrong?
I never knew slowing down was going to be so hard for me. My health has demanded that I slow down. I am currently not working and the change of speed is a much harder adjustment than I expected. I have time to paint and work on my art work now. I can get my spring cleaning done. (Yes, I am a bit late on that! lol) I have more time to read, but it seems slowing down is hard for someone as hyper as myself. My friend tells me I will get used to moving at a slower pace. I'm going to see if there are things I can help do at the church, which is something I have always wanted to do. I feel peaceful inside, which is amazing since the disability hasn't come through yet. I have a sense that I'm in the right place doing the right thing for me now. It is just so different! I have time to reflect on what is important in my life: God, friends, and family. Yes the change of pace is different, but is much welcome and needed.
Today was my last day at work. After 18 years it seems hard to believe. I cried some, but held up pretty well. I will miss my friends, but plan on keeping in touch. Several things were not handle well at the end, so there is some hurt there. Eighteen years is such a big piece of ones life, so there is alot of emotion involved. I know in my heart this was the right thing to do. My health was getting so bad and the pain was too much on a daily bases. I feel I am doing what God wants me to do and that new things will open up for me. Tonight is my good bye party and I'm sure I will be emotional. There are so many feelings. So much time and energy has gone into the last eighteen years. I'm looking forward to a new journey as my life is changing. Today is a begining to a new path in my life and I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me.
Ok, so where is the middle ground? The depression is much better now and I'm wired for sound. Gee, what's wrong with me? I'm either so low you can't pick me up or I'm high as a kite. Well this is better anyway. Funny my body just won't catch up with my emotions. I do believe if the body would cooperate, right now I could do anything. I finished most of that goverment paper work, until they decide they need more. It's really weird, but I can't get Christmas off my mind. I'm looking around thinking about how I'm going to decorate for Christmas. Maybe that is the stores' fault. They already have the Christmas stuff out and it is not even Halloween yet! Well as you can tell my mind is jumping from one thing to another right now. It's a good thing I'm broke or I would be wanting to buy everything in sight. Oh well at least, I'm smiling. Even if my son calls me "EMO" I feel pretty good today!
