A Wonderful Christmas Eve

Christmas  Eve is winding down. Alice has not changed. She could not wait until tomorrow to open gifts. We had a wonderful time. Our computer is old and slow so I got her a Kindle fire. She now can play her on line game Second Life. She got me a pretty little ring, a necklace, watch, and purse. I made out like a bandit.

We played a game of chess. It has been years since I have played. Must admit I still have the touch. It was a close game but I won. Not bad for a old lady. lol The fudge failed so we are eating it with spoons. Taste great but we won't serve it to our guest tomorrow.

Alice has been baking up a storm. She is a great cook, but clean up is NOT her thing! I guess I am the clean up crew but we are having fun. Tomorrow we are having ham, turkey, and all the fixings. Alice's aunte is coming over for dinner.

May everyone have a blessed Christmas tomorrow. A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!

It's Cold Outside

Christmas is fast approaching!  Hours away. We need to start baking pies today. Boy is the house going to smell good. There are a few surprises under the tree.

Wishing all my friends a very Merry Christmas!

 
 

Merry Christmas Chris

Chris,
         Hi baby! This is your third Christmas in Heaven. I can only imagine how beautiful it must be. Alice and I went to see the Christmas lights at Rhema tonight. Do you remember when you were little and tripped over the lights and unplugged them? Today it makes me smile when I think about it. I could feel you watching down on us as we took the drive tonight.
          You always loved Christmas. I have so many beautiful memories of the good times we had! You were a Christmas present shaker always trying to guess what was under the tree. Do you remember me putting canned food in your present to fool you? I have always been a little crazy haven't I? lol
           Alice and I are planning a quite Christmas. Your Aunt Sallie might come for dinner but we are not sure. Dinner will be turkey and the fixing.
            I miss you so much but am so thankful for the 27 years we had. You have given me so many wonderful memories. I just wish I could hug and kiss you again. You keep that computer system in Heaven running smoothly. Until I see you again know that I love you!

Love,
        Little Moma

Friday the 13th And 12 Days To Christmas

What a Friday the 13th it has been in Tulsa. A major water line break downtown has shut down a couple of streets and flooded several business. There was also a train wreck that derailed several cars. It was loaded with new cars! What a mess.

Been wrapping Christmas presents today so it makes the tree look better. I think I have one present under the tree that will surprise Alice. She has really been in the decorating mood this year. We have a tree, a skating rink, an angel, and Victorian lady. Oh I almost forgot the three snowmen.

This time of the year can be hard since I lost Chris. I know he is in heaven watching down on us.
 

Winter Is Here

Broken Arrow has been in a winter storm. We got 6 inches of snow last night compared to Tulsa 4.6.  The bad part is the temperature is going to drop down to 2 degrees tonight. Now that is cold! I am so thankful for my dear friends that had their kids treat our ramp and front porch. The city is doing a good job on the main roads but we live off the beaten track. Some stores are even running out of bread, milk, and eggs!

My knee is getting better. It is still sore. I was hoping by this time it would be better than it is. Alice is cooking right now and we are just taking it easy.

Update

Just checking in with all my friends. I am about 5 weeks post op of my total knee replacement. This time has been much more difficult than the last one. I guess it is my age and the fact the knee was in much worst shape than the first one. My sister in law fell about a week a go and need the same surgery. I will be spending Tuesday in the hospital with her. She is about 9 years older than me so it might be a bit rough.

It is hard to believe Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Alice and I are planning the basic Thanksgiving dinner. We will take a plate to my sister in law since she will be recovering post op.   Most of my family live several states to the north of me. My best friend is planning a big family get together. She is a great cook and so is her daughter. Remember to give thanks.

GLAD IT'S TURKEY DAY!

Scary

This government shut down is getting scary!

I Am Home

I am finally home from the hospital! They had talked about a rehab hospital but I really wanted to go home. I will be having home health come to my house for a while until I am healed better. I am glad the surgery is done. In a few weeks things will even be better,

UGH

I can't do anything simple! I had the surgery on the knee 3 days ago. The feeling has not come back in my leg so I am unable to stand. I have a sever kidney infection that they have called in a specialist for.  am just ready for this to be all over! I will keep everybody updated. Thanks for your support.

Stress

Right now I am feeling quite stressed. The auto accident in April has added a lot of finical stress. I have had a lot of medical bills plus a car payment that I did not have before the accident. I am pulling my hair out of my head.

I am scheduled for surgery on Thursday. There was significant injury from the auto accident plus damage caused by my lupus. They are going to do a total joint replacement. I am hoping this will relive some pain and help my mobility.

What does everyone think about the government shut down. I has been a long time since the last time this happened. I guess I had better finish my grocery list. Take care.

Pain And Guilt

.The last 3 and half years I have been eaten up with pain and guilt. Today is a real bad day. I feel I should have been able to do SOMETHING to have prevented Chris death. Maybe it was a mistake letting him be put on a ventilator. Would his body fought the infection more? I love him so much. Did I do all I could? I j ust want to hold him in my arms and tell him how much I love him.. DEATH SUCKS1

Looking For Energy

I was hoping losing some weight would give me more energy but so far not so. I guess the lupus is just not that well controlled right now. I have been working on reorganizing my kitchen cabinets but can only do a small amount of time because it causes of so much pain in my arms and shoulders. I'm am so short I have to reach for everything!

I saw my psychiatrist today and he said managing my bipolar disorder was like trying to balance a large ball on a thin wire. We both laughed and I told him I was sorry I was such a pain. He reassured me that I was not the problem that my illness was.

Only 2 weeks until my knee surgery. It would be nice to loose a couple more pounds but I am really stuck. I am trying to eat healthy and not some crazy crash diet this time. I know I have lost 1000 lbs in my life!  It was nice to hear from everyone. Take care. 

Been A Long Time

It's been a long time since I have blogged. In fact it has been so long I didn't think I was going to get the account opened!

This has been a summer of health problems. I had several dental issues that were quite expensive. Things are improving in that area now.  About 2 months ago my heart went into an irregular rhythm. I have been seeing a cardiologist who has got things back to normal. I was in a auto accident in April that did significant damage to my left knee. I had not been able to get the knee repair because of the dental and heart issues. Today I have finally got dental and cardiac clearance! Surgery is now scheduled for Oct 3rd. I have been under so much stress they have also been having a hard time with my bipolar disorder. What a roller coaster!

It is amazing how a few minutes can really change so many things in your life. We were hit by an uninsured motorist. It totaled the car and I only had liability insurance on the car. Needless to say the car had to be replaced. Now I have a car payment. Ugh. Medical bills, oh my. I still feel blessed because things could have been much worst.

I have lost 30 lbs which is a good thing. Will talk again soon.
    

My Brain Is Fried

My brain is fried! It just seems like so much is going on. I am keeping super busy but my body is protesting. I can't believe I'm letting stress get the better of me. I'm not sleeping and I think that is part of the problem. I just got to take time to RELAX!

Much different than last Spring we have been getting a fair amount of rain. When it's not raining it is very humid. We have already had several days with heat index of over 100. Thank goodness my air conditioner is working!

I really need to do some laundry. That's a job that is never done. I have also started a project of cleaning out some of my old clothes. I have things I haven't worn in years. 

I will try to do better about blogging and visiting everyone's blog. I will TRY!

Give Thanks

Just want to list some things I'm thankful for.

1. Jesus loves me
2. My family
3. My freinds
4. I was approved for a used car loan
5. My new car gets 30 mile per gallon in city driving
6. I'm losing weight
7. We were safe through all the Oklahoma tornados

Two Months Later

 

Two months later I am still feeling the effects of the automobile accident. The wheel feel off the car. Thank goodness we weren't going too fast! It happened in front of a dealership who actually give me money for a trade in on a used car. A car payment was NOT in the plans! Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. It's an 09 Hyundai Accent. It would not have been my first choice but it will do. I am still a nervous wreck every time I drive. Two accidents that close together would make anyone nervous.

I had two MRI's this week and both showed damage. My left knee is really messed up and my neck has disc damage.  My doctor said we would discuss surgery at my next appointment. This accident keeps on giving and giving. Funny thing is that I thought the pain I was having was just my "normal" pain.

I have been so hyper and anxious the last several days. My psychiatrist order a lithium  level on me to see if that is OK, Well between PT and my doctors appointments that is all I do.

I really have to be thankful that things were not worst.

Ugh

Does anyone else have trouble with call centers? I have had to call three times for the same problem and they still can't get it right! On top of that you get someone you can't understand. Finally I asked for a supervisor to see if the can fix the problem.

It is so muggy today. We went to some garage sales today and only spent  only13 dollars for a nice computer desk.  Such a deal!

I fell today. I don't understand why but when I'm having a lupus flare I have trouble walking.

Gas Prices

I knew I should have filled the tank yesterday.  It went up 15 cents a gallon over night! It has gone up 25 cents a gallon in a week. Is anyone else having this problem?

Sun Light

The sun is shinning to day so I spent a little time outside. Sunshine is good for the mood so I went for it. I'm getting more range of motion back in my shoulder and hip since I have been going to PT.  My left knee is still very stiff and sore. I still can not fully straighten it. Over all I am getting better.

Thankful today that a group from church are moving my grass.

Where My Mind Is

fear

anxiety

confusion

sadness

darkness

fatigue

depression

Struggling

I have been struggling the last several weeks. It has been hard to blog or do anything that I really enjoy. I have been in a lot more pain since the two motor vehicle accidents. I think that is playing on my emotions. They are starting physical therapy next week on my shoulder and hip. I am hoping to get back some range of motion in both.  I took a short walk today. I think that was good for me. It was very cool, almost cold, outside today. It is good to get out of the house.

Spring

The weather has been crazy this spring. It's 80-90 today.  Tomorrow it's only going to be in the 40's. Our air conditioner is out so the cool front will be welcome. My allergies have been going crazy! It is Spring.

Hanging On

My emotions are all over the place! Sometimes I just start crying for no reason at all. I am in a lot of physical pain from the auto accidents and it seems when I am in pain it effects my bipolar disorder. It has also been hard not having a car to drive because Alice's truck in in the shop. I just feel like I'm hanging on the end of my rope.

Run Of Bad Luck

In a two week period of time I was a passenger in two auto accidents. The first one was on Good Friday and I was visiting my friend in Shawnee. A young girl ran a red light and totaled my friends car. Thank goodness she was insured. Both my friend and I had contusions but no broken bones. We were both very sore but it could have been much worst. The second accident was Monday. Alice was driving my car when someone pulled into the side of our car knocking us across 3 lanes into a ditch. Alice spent 3 days in the hospital because it caused increased injury to her back.  I only suffered contusions and strains.  This driver was uninsured and fled the scene of the accident. It was witnessed and a tow truck driver tracked her down and had her come back to the scene.  We both were taken to the hospital in two ambulances. I believe they will total the car.  Right now it is not drivable.We had liability and uninsured motorist only since my car was not new. We had no choice but get a lawyer to see if we can at least replace the car.

Thank goodness for friends helping us out to the stores and other things. We are still so blessed.

Structure

My therapist told me yesterday she thinks I need more structure in my life. I disagree. I have had structure all my life and now I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want when I want. If I choose to do nothing some days so be it. She thinks I need to attend a Bipolar support group. Right now I am not interested. I have nothing against support groups but right now I just don't want to center my life around my mental illness. I guess I am being somewhat uncooperative but I want an uncomplicated life. It is not like I don't do anything. There is my small group, church, my friends, as well as program that I am trying to get accepted in to. Most of the time I am in so much pain it is hard to do things. This weekend I am going to spend time with a good friend. We are doing a "beauty day". a day watching her great grand kids hunting Easter eggs, the movies, and a lot more. Friday Alice and I went to a church dinner and bingo. I enjoy my blogging and TV shows. Maybe I should do more but most of the time I just don't feel like doing more. In fact the center just called and we have an appointment  next week.. I guess I will keep working at the things I like and go from there.

Cost Of Living

I opened my cable bill today and it had gone up significantly. It was so significant that I had to call to reduce some of the options of my plan.  The cost of groceries has continued to rise. Gas prices seem to raise daily. Living on a fixed income is getting harder and harder. Money problems can sure put you in the dumps. I guess this is my rant for the day!

Ray Of Hope

Just when you think things can't get worst something good happens to give you a ray of hope. The last few years have been one trail after another. I guess my  whole life has been a challenge. Through all that darkness there have been many of small things that give me a ray of hope. The "small" things can be very significant. They have come at times when I have felt my whole world was collapsing. I have to believe that God sees the struggles and throws a life line.

One thing that is a tremendous help is the encouragement and support of friends and family. I have been blessed with those that truley care about me. Sometimes it may feel like I'm all alone but this is not true.  Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard. I wonder why I must view things through the eyes of one with a mental illness. Then I think things could be so much worst. Each day I try to keep a gratitude list. When I do that there is always something to be thankful for. Staying strong  and not giving up is the important thing.

In A Strange Place

My head is in a strange place right now. I am struggling with depression. I seem to be questioning everything. Maybe it is the lack of sleep or the money problems we are having right now. I know I have so much to be thankful for but my mood is so dark and scary. I see my therapist Friday which I am hoping will help some. It is hard to do anything right now. I think part of the problem is that I have been in so much physical pain. Almost any movement cause me pain. I so want to be "normal". It is hard when you have to fight your own mind constantly.

Another Day

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he said that because I had nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea  my medication level where messed up. I have not been sleeping and was becoming a bit manic.I get so  cranky when I don't sleep, For the first few days being manic is kind of nice but after a while in is not good. Being so brittle makes my bipolar so hard to manage

A friend came over today and helped me clean my house. I so much appreciate the help. When you don't feel good the simplest things can be hard to acomplish.

What is it about laundry that it is never done? You are caught up one day and then the next there is more to do. Seems that is true of all house work. lol

A lot has been going on emotionally but it is just so hard for me to put it in words, I need to share but the words aren't coming to me right now.

Life

In therapy Friday we worked on changing dreams. I have frequent nightmares about past abuse. I thought it was very interesting how you could get power over the dreams.    I have not tried it yet but am very interested on weather it will work or not.

Our toilet broke yesterday and we bought a repair kit to fix it but neither Alice or myself where strong enough to loosen the old one. A friend is coming over today to help us fix it. Sometimes you just need a man!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be rich? It just seems life would be easier. I have heard of a lot of rich people that were very unhappy so I guess you just have to make your own  happiness.
 

Been Sick

I'm just getting over being sick for the last week. At least I didn't get sick until after I spent time with my friend from out of town. We really had a good time. We were celebrating her birthday. She is so hard to buy a birthday gift for, Did you ever know someone that has everything?!?!

Things seem to be going OK. It's just that after being sick for a week you really get behind on housework and the like. I guess you just tackle things one day at a time.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am not looking forward to the session. We are working on my nightmares from my PTSD. It just rough going over some of the stuff. I am told that is the only way to get better so I guess it's worth the work. Anyone that thinks therapy is easy has never been through it! Not much else going on. See you later.

Angels Among Us

I truley believe there are angels among us. Today we received snow. We were out of basic supplies. We received a call from a friend asking if there was anything she could get us. We said no because we thought we could do it by ourselves. We went and picked up about 5 bags of groceries. We had help loading the car and thought we could get it in the house by ourselves. Our driveway is very steep and was snow covered. As we were struggling to put the groceries in a wheelchair to get up the ramp to the house we were slipping and sliding all over the place. Both Alice and myself have very limited mobility. A kind person drove by and saw we were struggling and they brought the groceries in the house for us. When they had finished that the cleared our ramp from snow. God does send His angles to help those in need.

Out And A Bought

I was up most of the night with Alice so I didn't go to church this morning. Alice was in a lot of pain and  could not sleep. She better today after sleeping in. I just hate it she has so much pain.

My therapist told me of a program I am going to apply for. It is set up for people with some type of disabilities and it sounds like it would be great. They have special exercise equipment, water aerobic, as well as crafts. It very inexpensive and would give me a chance to get out of the house. I am really excited  about the program.

My friend from out of town is coming in this weekend and we are planning to get together. It's her birthday and we always have a good time together. I just think getting out and a bought will do me good.

This And That

Spent a few hours in ER early this morning with Alice. Seems she was having severe back spasms. I'm am really tired but am glad she is okay.

Yesterday was a very busy day. We had so much to do. I saw my psychiatrist who explained that I am a brittle bi polar. This helps explain my struggles for the past few weeks. He  explained that the chemicals in my brain causes the symptoms and assured me it was nothing to be ashamed about. I feel so weak at times and feel I should be stronger.  I just expect so much of myself.

I took my car in for a much needed oil change and the found some problems going on with the car.. Seems like that car is just causing a lot of problems recently. I guess that can be expected of an older car.

I found out yesterday my brother's house burned to the ground. They lost  their dogs and cats in the fire. They were very lucky to get out. It was a total lost but they where insured. Their car also blew up.  I am just so thankful they are okay. It just make you realize how much we have to be thankful for.

We went to church Sunday and it was good to be there. The pastor was out of town moving his mother to Tulsa. I guess that means they are here to stay a while.

It's Valentines day and we are planing a quiet day, I am not sure what's for dinner yet but I'm sure it will be simple.

OK

Just a short note to let everyone know I'm OK. I have been going through a real hard time but I will over come. I hope to check in on everyone soon. Love you guys.

January Is Hard

Every since I lost Chris in January it has been a hard month for me. I have awful dreams about his death and cry a lot. This has also been a tough month financially. Auto repairs have been eating my lunch. I know I have dropped off the grid so I wanted to let everyone know I am still OK. It has just been really hard to blog.

Happy New Year

May you have happiness, peace, joy, love, and health for 2013!