Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Growing Pains

Sometimes things can be really hard to deal with. You wonder why you must go through somethings. Life can feel unfair. I believe that everything fits into a bigger plan. We may not see the answer  at the time. We may not see it this side of heaven. I have to believe God is in control. Life happens, both good and bad. You chose if you will get better or bitter. As I have continued to grow I have sometimes questioned, Why? Today I feel that all that I have been through has made me a strong person. I also feel I am very understanding and able to see other people's pain. Through my pain I can help others. I can listen and be there for others. Never give up!

Saturday, February 25, 2012


I am so sore from using muscles that I haven't used in a long time. My mind is still very stimulated but my body just won't cooperate. I really don't like this feeling other than the fact I am getting some much needed paper work done. I would love to go shopping but don't really have any money to spend. It's hard to shop on your looks alone. lol

It is such a beautiful day. The sun is shinning and birds are singing. There are even some robins red breast out. That means spring is just around the corner. We have had such a mild winter. I hope that doesn't mean 110 degree summer. It's just too nice of a day to worry about anything. Happy  weekend to everybody and enjoy yourself!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

High Energy

My energy level is really high right now. You would think with not sleeping it would be the opposite. This is the best I have felt in months! I have already stripped my bed, done laundry, vacuumed, cleaned my stove, and cleaned my car. The only problem is I am shaking like a leaf. It is hard to type because I am shaking so badly. I put in a call to my psychiatrist because of the not sleeping.  He agrees with me and thinks I'm on the edge of being manic. He did a slight med adjustment and see what is going to happen. If I could just stay this way it wouldn't be bad. In fact I enjoy the high energy after the long period of depression. I have to get my last load out of the dryer so until the next time,take care.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Not Sleeping Again

I'm starting to have problems sleeping again. This is the way my manic phase begins. I am hoping I am not  going into another mania. I'm trying to decide if I should call my doctor or just wait till I see him next week. It's not real bad yet, but I really don't feel like going through the mania which leads to a really bad crash.

On the another note is the price of gas! The last few days it has been going up about seven cents every other day. I am afraid this is going to cause everything else to go up in price. We really need a break in the economy.

I think I have the world moodiest cat. She  can be purring up a storm while you pet her, then she will turn and bite you. She is such a strange cat but I love her.  

Ugh, I think I'm having problems with my lap top! It locked up awhile a go and now I'm having trouble shutting down. I hope it's not anything serious, because I sure don't have the money to replace it.Happy hump day everyone

Monday, February 20, 2012


Monday, a beginning of a new week. A time to reflect on last week. A time to regroup. Truly the beginning of the rest of your life or at least a new week. Each day is an opportunity to be stronger. A day to put the past behind us.
I used to hate Mondays, but now I can look at things differently. It is just a new day and a new beginning.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Emotional Pain


 Why is emotional pain so much harder to deal with than physical pain? You can talk to yourself, read God's Word, try to sing a song, and yet it comes at you like a ragging river. The thoughts seem to come from a foreign place, a dark place inside your head. False guilt engulfs you. You think of things that you could have, or should have done better. You start to believe everything that has happen is some how your fault. Therapy and music seems to help you escape for a short period of time.Then the tears hit you. You cry a river and sadness over whelms you. You are getting better, but there is so much yet to over come.You know you are healing, but it seems so slow. With God's help, therapy, and time you will be whole.


Thursday, February 16, 2012

In Jail In My Head

I frequently find myself in jail of my own  head. All the "bad tapes" run through my head. I can not see what others see in me. I feel dirty and unworthy of love. I blame myself for everything that happen in my childhood. I have pronounced myself guilty of being a bad mother, my son's death, being a terrible boss, and the cause of a failed marriage. I question my own self worth. I try to listen to the good things I hear, but I find those "old tapes" are so deeply ingrained in my mind that I can't set myself free. I am trying to learn new tapes. I am trying to stop the "stink en think en". I am worthy of love and it is insane to believe all  those things that I have pronounced myself guilty of. Each day is a new day to restore that which has been lost.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I'm Back

I really enjoyed the time with my friends. It was good to have no responsibility for the last few days. I feel my mood is beginning to improve and I am less depressed than I have been. The new medication seems to be helping. We are still not at a therapeutic dose, but I am encouraged and more hopeful than I have been in months. I am going to keep busy this weekend to help with my mood.

I want to thank everybody for all the encouragement they have given me. I am so thankful for all my cyber friends. Today it is easier to see all the things I have to be thankful for. My therapist has encourage me to make a gratitude journal. I think here is a great place to do it.
  1. I am thankful for all my friends that have stood beside me in thick and thin.
  2. I am thankful for my loving daughter Alice,
  3. I am thankful for the time I had with Chris.
  4. I am thankful for enough food to eat.
  5. I am thankful for my home.
  6. I am thankful for my psychiatrist and therapist.
  7. I am thankful for my extended family.
  8. I am thankful that God loves me in spite of all my faults.
  9. I am thankful that my car is still running.
  10. I am thankful that I got a small tax return and did not have to pay the government.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Spending Some Time With A Friend

As anyone knows that has been following my blog knows I have been really struggling with depression. I am going to spend some time with a friend and take a short break from the everyday life. I think this would be good for me and it sure beats going to the hospital again. My therapist strongly suggested I take a break to avoid going to the hospital. This will give the medicine time to work and build up to a therapeutic level in my blood stream. I will be off line for a while, so don't worry about me. Thanks everybody for your encouragement and support.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Hoding On

I wasn't going to blog until I felt better, but at this point I'm not sure when that is going to be. I see my doctor today and hope he can give me some answer as to when I can expect the medicine to help. This has been the longest  time I have gone feeling this depressed in a long time. It's hard to hold on to any hope, but that is what  I must do. I am trying to be grateful for what is right in my life, it's just really hard when you are in the black hole of depression.