Good Bye 2010

I must admit I'm glad 2010 is coming to an end. This has been a very difficult year for me. It has shaken everything I believe in and has caused me immense pain. Too many losses this year have left me raw with many open wounds. There were times I didn't think I could make it, but I did. The good thing was I am stronger and closer to God and friends than in the past.
I have to believe 2011 will be a better year. It is not starting out to well. Maybe I'll be able to relax more after I find out more information about the breast lump. My medical insurance was canceled and the new one is not good. It's time for something good to happen and I'm holding on to that hope for a better tomorrow.
Happy New Years to all my friends in blogging land. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Hurting

Sometimes I wonder how much pain and suffering one human being can endure. It has been trauma after trauma in my life. The mental  anguish is almost more than I can take. I'm tired of having to fight so hard. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I know I need to continue to fight, but I'm exhausted. There is just too much pain in this world. Oh God Why? I'm just so tired.  I hurt so badly. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Found a Lump

I found a breast lump the other day and saw my doctor today. It's about 1 cc in size and it in the upper breast tissue. It was missed on my mammogram a few month earlier.  My doctor is setting me up for an ultra sound. I have a very strong history of breast cancer in my family. My sister has had to have both breast removed and my mother died from the spread of the cancer. I am a little bit afraid but looking for the best to come out of this. I'm trying not to stress over this. The doctor said it was a good sign the the lump was movable. I just have to put this in God's hand.

I have an ultra sound of the breast scheduled Jan 6. I can't believe that is as soon as I could get in. I'll try not to worry about it.
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I'm Back

I'm back in town now. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and really got to spend some quality time with their family. Being with the ones you love is what it is all about. I do miss my computer when I'm at my friend Y. She doesn't like them and does not own one. For me my computer is a real connection to my on line friends.

I had as good as can be expect time this Christmas. My friends really stepped up to be there for me. I cried myself a sleep a few times thinking about Chris. I so much miss him and his beautiful laugh. I miss him teasing me and calling me little Mama. I wasn't able to spend time with Alice for Christmas which really hurt too. We talked and it sounded like she was doing OK.

Princess was very happy to see me when I got home. I had some one checking on her since we just lost Zinthus. She hid most of the time. It seems she is quite the Mama girl. She has been all over me wanting loving since I got back.

It's still fairly  cold, but nothing like on the east coast and up north. We may get snow for New Years Day.  It good to be back to my computer any way. Hugs to everyone. May this year be a better year than last.

Merry Christmas

I'm going to be away a few days and just want to wish all my blogging friends a  Merry Christmas!

Worth More Than Gold

I received the most beautiful card form my daughter today. I cried with joy. The picture does not do the card justice. The verse and what she wrote mean so much to me! I am going out of town to be with my friend Y for a few days so I would not have to spend Christmas alone. Her family are like family to me. We have know each other so long and are so close. I want to wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas and a Thank You for being there for me!

Rest In Peace Zinthus

 I had to put Zinthus down today. He was a big boy. !4 pounds. They premeditated him to decrease his anxiety and he went very peacefully.  He was in a lot of pain. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with him, but due to his age and difficultly medicating him the vet thought it was the most humane thing we could do. Now he is with his beloved Chris. I've been crying like a baby. Princes is looking for him. We  were trying to crate him to take him to the vet Princes picked a fight with him making things much more difficult to catch him. I am so sick at my stomach. Chris was so very close to Zinthus. I know in my heart I did the right thing but it hurts so bad.

Peace To All

I wish peace to all my blogging friends this Holiday Season.

Make Me Smile

Today I chose to look at the thing that bring a smile to my face. Cats in Santa hats make me smile.

Friends holding each other up makes me smile.

Alice you make me smile. Chris you make me smile.

Christmas trees make me smile.

 Knowing He will carry me when I'm to tired to walk, makes me smile.

My friends in Blogging Land that love me, makes me smile.

If I made one person smile and feel hope, this is my biggest smile!

Lack Of Sunshine

The gray gloomy skies have really been triggering a lot of bad stuff.  Sleep, not a chance. Crying, a lot. Flash backs, I can feel it all again. My beloved Chris gone. Alice too far away to hold. Plus the physical pain. Lupus, flaring up. I just got to make it a few more days then I'll maybe get that break. Holding on for dear life right now.

I Think Zinthus Is Sick

I think Zinthus is sick. He is crying out like a cat in heat!  He stopped grooming himself and is just not acting right. I called to get a vet appointment and can not get him in until Monday unless it's an  "emergency". Plus I have to get a ride from someone and have them help me crate him. I don't know a lot about cats. He is a really big boy and seems to be eating. He may just be lonely I just don't know. Zinthus was Chris' "baby" and stayed with him 24-7. I hope this is nothing serious. I think he about 11-12 years old. I'm a bit worried.

See Doctor Thursday

I see my doctor Thursday and will find out how he thinks my knee is coming along. I was thinking I was to be able to drive in 2 weeks, but it is actually 3 weeks before I can drive. I will be so glad because I'm going crazy being so confined. I was able to step into the bathtub for a shower today. Boy did that feel good. I couldn't stand long, but it was nice to feel that hot water saturating my entire body at one time!

My friend is picking me up next Wednesday for Christmas, so I will spend Christmas with her family and not be alone on Christmas day. I just don't think I could have handled being alone on Christmas day. Wow it's hard to believe it is only 11 days away.  I remember my kids counting down the days. It was always so much fun to see the joy and excitement  in their eyes. There is just something about children and Christmas!

It's really cold outside here, but tomorrow is suppose to be warmer. I hoping we don't get any snow or anything like that next Wednesday, because my friend doesn't drive in snow.

Isolation

I'm feeling so isolated right now. Not being able to drive or even carry out my own trash is getting to me.  I find myself just breaking into tears. I don't like being "out of control" or at some bodies mercy. I'm really afraid the doctor is not going to release me to drive when I see him on Thursday. My leg seems weaker than I think it should be at this point. I know I'm really depressed right now and am finding it hard to fight the intrusive thoughts I've been having. I am seeing at least one person a day, but this feeling of being trapped is eating away at me. I thought I would be in a rehab center for at least a week post op and not alone . That is what I was told anyway. I don't like the thoughts that are running through my head. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

Learned A Valuable Lesson

Well I learned a very  valuable lesson. If you think you doing too much you most likely are. I'm really sore today! I tried too go to long without my pain medicine and take out my own trash.  Those 5 steps were too much!!!

Cold

How in the world do you get a cold when you are isolated in your house for a week???? I had to call the pharmacy to find out what "cold" medicine I could take with the blood thinner they have me on. I have tons of soup, but nothing tastes good. All I feel like doing is watching TV with remote control in hand. Hope everybody is having a good weekend. 

Chris Memories At Christmas

Here are a few of my memories of Chris at Christmas.

 Chris' very first Christmas with his much loved "glow worm".

 I got my firetruck!

Well it was not a lump of coal!

My last Christmas. Computer tools, what else?

This year, Chris enjoy your tree from heaven.It's a Star Trek tree.
Thinking of you with love! "Little Mama"

Life's Goal

My life goal was to love my children with unconditional love. Maybe I got this one thing right. Yes I made my share of mistakes. Nothing would cause me not to love and nourish two very beautiful people in the world. I thinking of each of you now. I wish I could touch and hold your hands right now. Cyber love to my dear sweet Alice and may the angels give you kisses Chris from down here below. From a Mother's heart to her beloved children.

Warmeth Is A Smile

Emotions running deep

Both hot and cold

Afraid to reach out to touch

Rejections causes a burning pain

Cold is your protector

Nothing can penetrate the ice
But wait coldness of ice burned too

Feelings still come through the wall of ice

 Something warm touches the heart

The heat feels a warm glow

Yes  a soothing calm a tiny smile appears

Healing can begin in the warmth of a smile

You never know how much just the warmth of a smile can do. In giving a smile a way we can project healing of  a broken heart. Comfort to a soul that is cold and in pain. Just give a few seconds and show someone you care. Yes God's love shinning through the darkest if nights, all by a deep felt heart warming smile. 

I'm Home

I think I belong in rehab, but I made to many points for Medicare to cover it, I have a walker and people bringing by food etc for me. I'm suppose to us this thing on my leg fir 6 hours a day, boy doe it hurt, Hope  t hey know what they are doing, I can't type any longer. I hurt.

Updating for Wanda

Hi, this is Pk ... I just came from the hospital. My son and I walked into Wanda's room and PT was getting her up and out of bed. She was sitting in the chair eating lunch. When we left, she'd been up for the entire 30 minutes they'd asked her to be! My mother went through 2 knee replacements and Wanda is managing signifcantly better than I'd seen with my mom! I'm so proud of her, so impressed.
Her pain levels are higher than what's comfortable,but not unexpected for this stage.

Her pulse ox is dropping randomly, but she said that's not unusual for her.

Thank you all for your prayers. She's considering going to rehab before going home (this would be a good thing but will be up to insurance, not her or her doctors). I will keep you as updated as I can.

Peggikaye

Awake and Dry as A Bone

I'm awake and dry as a bone. Nothing by mouth, not even a breath mint. Ugh, I feel my mouth feels "nasty" !. I know all the reason for this,but it sure is hard not to at least brush your teeth! My ride won't be here for another 4 hours. I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I made my list and checking it twice, three times and so forth, Why is  it when you know you can't have something that is all you want? I be off the computer for awhile. Everyone please take care.

Tomorrow Is The Day

I been busy already this morning. I'm trying to make the house look OK in case some people drop by post op. I've been to Walmart and stocked up on soup and such. Things that would be easy for me to fix on my new and I'm sure painful knee. I picked up a size "too big" sweat pants to wear home since I will most likely have a large dressing on my knee. The trick is not to grow into the pants! I've worked too hard to keep the weight I lost off. I need to do my first "scrub" with antibacterial soap on my knee this morning, then a second one this evening.

 Yesterday was one of those "bad" days. I was missing Chris so much I cried most of the day. I know it sound stupid, but when I'm like that I hold the shirt he wore in the last picture I have of him. Most of his clothes I gave to Good Will, but I kept a few things that meant a lot to me. I still talk to him all the time. I'm working on a scape book about his life. I can now remember some of the good times we had together. For awhile all I thought  was watching the monitor in ICU as he deteriorated. He was a great Son! All a mother could ever hope for.

I pretty well set up for Christmas. I mailed Alice's present to her already. She couldn't wait to Christmas. She immediately opened the wrapped packages. She is just like a happy child in that aspect of her life. I had so hoped they could come down for Christmas. We are now shooting for our Birthday Days which is August the 7th. Yes she was my birthday baby. Christmas cards are sent out too.

I really need to get busy and get this last minute "stuff" done. I will update my blog with my surgery time when I find out this afternoon. I'm so nervous, but I getting this done while I have "decent" insurance. Next year my insurance cost more and pays less. Thank you so much! It may snow over the weekend or Monday. I guess winter is here!

Check in at OR is at 8:15: Surgery to follow at 9:30 AM.  I am the second case.

Terrified

I hate to admit it, but every since I lost Chris I am terrified of being in the hospital. I can't believe how scared I am. I know I really need this surgery, but I am so tempted to back out. I was a nurse for a long time and to be so afraid of the hospital is very illogical. I not afraid of the pain, because I live with so much pain anyway. It's the idea of trusting my life to someone else. I know attitude can have an impact on how you do, so I've got to pull myself together. It is just the whole trust issue. I just am not a trusting person I guess. What is wrong with me any way???? I just be fine. They do these surgery all the time. Piece  of cake right?