Sunday, August 30, 2009

Just Feeling Good.

I just feeling good today. No real reason, but I would like to share that with everyone.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Crying Child

Since I have been keeping my dream journal, I've notice there is a recurring theme. There is a crying child that wants something from me. The child is always young, about 4-5 years old or less. Maybe it is my inner child. I will be interested to see what my therapist says next week.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Lean on Me

The words to the song Lean on Me have been going through my head today. They are so true! "Sometimes in our life we all have pain , we all have sorrow. But if we are wise,we know there is always a tomorrow." The wisdom is knowing there is a tomorrow. I have found my blogging friends to be there for me. I can "Lean on" them when I am not strong.

Sometimes others might not understand. So I am so glad we have each other to lean on!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Intense Therapy Part I

We started what my therapist called intense therapy today. We went over a line graft about when the abuse started and how it continued into a bad marriage. Things were pretty painful. We talked about how my childhood set me up for a bad marriage. How I severely lacked knowledge to know what was normal and not abusive.The session made me kind of sick at my stomach. She said to keep a record of my dreams and flashbacks,because the deeper we go the more likely I will have some "bad ones".

We talked about the guilt I felt for both my childhood abuse and for not realizing that all homes were not violent. She ask if my children knew that I loved them and that is one thing I know for sure that my children knew I loved them. My regret about my marriage is I did not leave sooner. The physical abuse in the marriage was always directed at me. My X was verbally abusive to the children. I was the "bread winner",because his temper caused him to loose many jobs. I feel guilty that I left them home with him. At the time I thought it was the best thing. Again if I could do it all over I would have divorced the man a lot sooner.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I made it to church today. I wish my faith was stronger. I love the music because it always uplifts my spirits. I have been resting most of the rest of the day because I have a bad headache. I know there are others that are really struggling right now and I want to post something encouraging. No matter how dark it looks there is someone that care for you. Never give up. Do what ever it takes to keep on going.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Not Feeling

I'm not feeling anything, just emptiness. I'm not happy and not sad, just nothingness. I do not like this feeling. Maybe something is going to happen. Maybe it's because of medication. I am shaking all over. This is scary to me.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Baby is Back!

My car is back! I am so glad. I hated being stranded with out my poor little baby. She not pretty to look at, but she runs!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


fun quiz for myspace profile and blog

Lets101 Quizzes -

Feeling Caged

I'm feeling caged right now because I don't have a car at the moment. I miss that poor beat up thing. Hopefully I'll have it back by tomorrow or the next day. I can't get anything done! It's been out of commission since Sunday. Whine ,whine, whine.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Feeling Afraid

I have a feeling of doom hanging over me this evening. I'm in physical pain and it is affecting my emotions. I very afraid to go to bed. I will try all my tricks, the stuffed dog etc, but I feel this is going to be a rough night.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

What God Says

You Say: It's impossible
God Says: All things are possible (Luke 18:27)

You Say : I am too tired
Gods Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

You Say: I can't go on
God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)

You say: Nobody really loves me
God Says: I love you (John 3:16)

You Say: I can't do it
God Says: You can do all things (Philippians 4:13)

You Say: I am always worried and frustrated
God Says: Cast all your cares on Me (I Peter 5:7)

You say: I feel all alone
God Says: I never leave you or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

I have found this chart helpful on many days when I have been struggling.

Wall of Stone

A little child learn to build her wall of stone.
No arms to comfort her, she was all alone.
Each stone was placed with grief and pain.
She cried and prayed, but no one came.

She built the wall higher each day.
This wall was to keep her pain away.
She did not know this wall of stone,
Would soon become her prison home.

Now numb and frozen in this place.
She never was really safe.
No one would hurt her any more.
To her soul, she had closed the door.

She tried to leave this world behind.
She looked and looked, but could never find
Any hope, any joy, any safe place here
Her life was now too full of fear.

In desperation she prayed and cried,
"Oh, Jesus why haven't I died? "
Jesus reached down and took her by the hand.
He said in love "I'll help you stand."

Together they are tearing down the wall of stone.
Replacing it with a heavenly home.
Now she has joy and peace within.
She no longer is under the curse of sin

Sunday, August 09, 2009


I'm suppose to be doing a "loss graft" of my life for my therapist.It is to show how life events had a negative effect on me. Before my first birthday my father left. My mom had another child with another man, who was killed while drunk by a train at the age of three. Then come the real problems. At four my new step dad started molesting me. How many losses is that? The molestations, rapes and beatings lasted until I left at 16. I feared for my life from this man. How do you graft that? That's only the first 16 years.

Thanks Mike

Welcome to all my friends that visit.

Friday, August 07, 2009


It's my Birthday today. I am suppose to go to dinner with a friend. I am just very nervous about going out. I already had a panic attack thinking about it.

Thursday, August 06, 2009


"Following are some of the major symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). -- Exaggerated startle response -- Loss of memory (forgetfulness) -- Sleep disorders (nightmares and waking up suddenly during the night) -- Flashbacks / images of the traumatic incident that keeps coming back to haunt you -- Poor concentration -- Hypervigilance (very similar to, but not paranoia) -- Hypersensitivity -- Extreme irritability -- Anger over petty issues with violent outbursts -- Obsessiveness -- Extreme nervousness and anxiety -- Muscle aches and pains for no apparent reason -- Unexplained fear -- Low self-esteem -- Lack of confidence -- Experience a sudden numb feeling -- Avoiding anything that reminds you of the traumatic experience"

By Kaven Mathias
I suffer from PTSD because of sexual and child abuse. The flashbacks are the worst part of PTSD for me. I must admit I have all of the symptoms to some degree or another.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Having Bad Tremors Today

I'm having bad tremors today, so it is difficult to type. I'm not sure why some days are so bad. Typing a lot does make it worst. Maybe I have overdone it in the last few days. They increased my Depakote five days ago, but my level is therapeutic. It is just frustrating to try to type.

Monday, August 03, 2009


I so badly need to talk with my therapist but I can't afford the appointment. I need to talk about the nightmares that have been so bad lately. I'm so jumpy. Nobody can even say anything without me jumping out of my skin. I did some SI to relieve the stress. It only helps a little while, then it is followed by shame. My health care is the pits. I really need to be seeing my therapist weekly right now. I just had to vent.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

What Causes Bipolar Disorder?

  • I have been reading a book to help me understand my wide mood swings, The book is: The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide,by David Miklowitz,PhD. This was recommended by my thearpist. Under the section fact sheet for family is a good explanation which I have quoted below.
"Having bipolar disorder means I have imbalances in the brain's neurochemistry involving the way the cells communicate with each other. Nobody chooses to become bipolar. It is possible I inherited these imbalance from my blood relatives,although not necessarily my parents. My mood swings may be affected by life stress or sudden changes in my sleep-wake habits."

Life has been very stressful,which might be why the mood swings are so much worst. I thought this was interesting and thought I would share it.

I Tried

I tried to go to church this morning, but I had a panic attack and had to leave. I had been anxious all morning, but thought I could do it. It's not even a big church, just a couple hundred people. I only talked to about 10 people before I started to panic. I feel so numb. People need other people, so why do I find a need to avoid them. I just freak out in crowds.