Mood Is Unsable

I don't usually blog twice in one day, but my mood is all over the place. I'm crying and I feel like throwing stuff. I'm trying to control these crazy thoughts I'm having. One hour at a time. It's almost time for bed, but I'm really anxious on top of the depression. I wish I could settle down. I know this is all part of being bipolar and being under stress. I will NOT do anything stupid even though that is what I feel like. Tomorrow will be a new day and just maybe my mood will stabilize. It's also raining here which seem to effect my moods. But we really need the rain. Oh I am rambling so I guess I will end this post.

Stressed To The Max

I am stressed to the MAX! I have too much going on. My finical situation really sucks right now. I have some legal problems going on. I continue to worry about Alice. I have my up coming surgery for my cataracts on Sept 21 & Sept 28. I know it a command surgery, but I'm still very nervous about it. I am so tired all the time and yet to know the reason why. Going to do some volunteer work tomorrow at the SPCA. My eyes are really hurting today after all the testing they did. It is kind of hard to see. I hope things settle down soon.

Eye Appointment

I am very glad I made this appointment. They discovered I have a unusual form of cataracts. Very fast growing. I need to schedule surgery ASAP. He said if I don't get this done very soon I would be blind in 6 months. I had notice my night vision was very bad which is the first sign. I am so glad I made the appointment.

Alice is Safe

Alice is safe and talking has help calm her down some. I worry so much about her depression and she is so far away. I've talked to her this morning and she got a good night sleep, which helps. If she had been living in the city with me I would have gone and taken her to the hospital. I am having her boyfriend keep a good eye on her. I did not sleep well last night because I was so worried about her. My handyman is here finishing up the job on my shed. I have an eye appointment latter this afternoon. I have got to go to the store because I'm out of everything. Thank you for all your support. I don't know what I would do without my online friends!

Urgent Prayer Request.

Oh please pray for my daughter. She is talking about killing herself. Oh God I can NOT loss her.

Why Am I Here?

My life has been a rough one. I have seen and felt so much pain. I know I am here to love and care for others. Just maybe some of the things I have been through can allow me to understand others better. One thing I do know is we need each other. We need to love and support one another. Life can be so unfair. Depression can crush your spirit. I fight it everyday. I know some of my blogging friends are struggling. I so understand your pain and want to support you in anyway I can.

Computer Problems

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours on the phone with tech support trying to get a problem worked out with my computer. If Chris had been here he could have fixed it in less than a hour! He was so good with computers. Anyway it is up and running again, so I guess that is the important thing. I'm waiting on a handyman to come and do some repairs. More money that I don't have, but the trailer park insist that I have the repairs done or I'll be evicted. I don't know how much more stress I can take! I have some legal paper work I'm working on. Things sure are complicated right now.

Night Time Is Hard

Seems like night time is the hardest part of my day. I talked with my daughter and she is doing a little better. I hope this person is not just messing with her head. The offer about this truck sounds too good to be true and I have usually found when something sounds too good to be true it is. Of course I am not the most trusting person in the world, but also very protective of my kids. I decided to get up and blog instead of just soaking my pillow with tears. My mind keeps jumping from Alice to Chris. Not a very good place to be. I recently read some of my older blogs and I am slowly getting better. Grief is a very strange thing. You just never know what is going to trigger a break down. I went and saw Chris today and that always makes me sad. I talk to him about everything that is going on. Of course I cry and tell him how much I love him several times during our visits. I have both Chris' and Alice's cats and they don't get along and they fight. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I have really got to pull myself together,because I have some important business matters to take care of in the next few weeks. Every time I start to work on them I find myself so distracted. It is so frustrating. I'm feeling a little better since I have been blogging. The house is so quiet it gives me the creeps. I really need to try to get some sleep. Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm adding more. I'm questioning if I let the doctors do the right things when Chris was in the hospital. You think they know best,but do they really? He was on a ventilator most of the time,so I don't think he was in pain. He was deeply sedated. I wonder if he heard my words when I spoke and sang to him. Could he feel my touch? This post is just coming from all the things going through my head as I try to go to sleep.

Worried About My Daughter

My daughter is really depressed right now and I am very worried about her. She tries to see the best in people and is often hurt by them. She has been crying all day. She is on antidepressants, but they don't take away the hurt that a person causes. I wish I could take away her pain. She feel God has abandoned her and even hates her. Her faith is totally gone. I hate the depression monster. It destroys so many lives. I am fighting hard myself with depression right now. Sometimes even one minute at a time seems like too much.

Loss Time

I have a total loss of memory for 3-4 months (Feb-June). I don't remember being admitted to the hospital , but my therapist says I was in patient. I don't remember consenting to the ECT, but apparently I did. I don't remember appointments I had with my other specialist. What upsets me the most is I can not remember the songs that were played at my Son's memorial service. I have shed so many tears the last several months and continue to cry almost everyday. If they are bottled in heaven it must be getting full. I'm resting on a verse. Blessed are they that morn for they shall be comforted. My friend is doing better which is good.

Friend Suffering

One of my on line friends is really suffering from depression. She was talking about suicide. We all need to hold her up and support her. I have grow quite close to her and don't want anything bad to happen. Seems every minute I don't hear something the more anxious I am getting.

Therapy

I saw my doctor for the last time today. It will be a month before I see the new guy. I also saw my therapist today. I actually got sick and had to leave the session and vomit. She was talking about a lot today, but I could not handle talking about Chris today. My emotions are on edge. I can't say I'm depressed. I just don't seem to care about anything. A friend of mine was in town today and we didn't get a chance to hook up because his meetings and my appointments were in conflict. That makes me really made me sad. He was my former pastor and now is an insurance salesman. We were very close and it hurt really bad when he moved out of the city. My doctor reduced one of my medicine to help with the sleepiness . Like I said it might just be because I don't care about anything. I guess I really do care about my friends and family. I talked with my daughter today and she is not sleeping. I told her to call her doctor to see if he could give her something to help her get some sleep. I am so numb right now. I hate it when I get like this. These are the times I want to self injure. Weird it is not when I'm depressed, but when I feel nothing. I'm going to lie down for a while so I don't do anything stupid.

I'm Back

Just like hot check I have returned. I have two appointment tomorrow and I hope they can figure out why I'm so droopy all the time. I no energy at all. I'm just know I'm tired of being like this all the time. I have so much stuff I need to be doing and I just can't make myself do it! I have got to get on line and check out my financial stuff. Disablility is just not enough to make it on. I know I'm rambling but I have really missed my on line friends.

Gone for A Few Days

I'm going to be gone for a few days. Just a little rest. I'll see you all when I'm back. Hugs.

Love

Many people find love at a very early age. Their parents love and protect them. This was not the case in my life I didn't learn what love was for a long time. I thought when I got married this was love, only to find out I was in a very abusive situation. I know many people find love at this time of life, I just wasn't lucky. I became pregnant and felt a new life growing inside me. I knew then I had found real love. When they told me my baby may not make it I knew I would give my own live to save my baby. I was willing to give up everything so my child could live.We almost neither made it. There were some abnormalities which later cause her own personal distress. My love never died. It was steadfast through all the hardship. My second child was born. A healthy male. I watched him become a wonderful young man. His first job, his first car(a white convertible),and his first girlfriend. Then I had to watch him develop a severe anxiety disorder. He became afraid to leave the house. He worked on line for a computer company and lived with me. He was only 27 when he died and a big part of me died with him that day. I found love in my children. Love is being willing to die to save the one you love. Does God feel that away about me? I would have never done anything to hurt Alice or Chris. Does God know how much I hurt? GOD I HURT!

Still Feeling Drugged

I'm still feeling drugged and weak. I've been able to do a few things today, but have to rest a lot. I'm worried about starting on the medication on the weekend. I don't know how I'm now to get the doctor on call and an not sure the pasted on any information anyway. I might just take less of a dose of the medicine to be on the safe side. This was a really bad week and I don't want to go though it again

Ciritcal Lab Values

I finally got the results why I was feeling so badly. I had two critical lab value. I am home trying flush out my system.. I should be feeling better in a day or so. When they adjusted my medicine the forgot to take in account my weight loss. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me which is very scary. Thank you for all your concern. This bi polar disorder may kill me yet.

Falling

I fallen three times today. I don't know if it is a side effect of the increase Dapoke or just pure weakness from the heat, I put in a call to my doctor to see what she has to say. I'm due for a blood level Friday. If I'm not feeling better soon I'm going to try to get some one to tale me to the minor emergency center.

Update

She had two stints put in and is feeling better. She is complaining about the hospital food which is always a good sign. I'm still really feeling sick and having trouble keeping anything down. I'm really too weak to drive to the doctor,but if I'm not any better tomorrow I will really consider it anyway.

Sicker Than A Dog

I'm am so sick I don't know if you will see me too much on line. I'm so weak I can hardly walk across the floor. I don't know if it's the stress, heat, or abnormal autoimmune labs are causing the problem. So if you don't see me around that's why.