Friday, March 30, 2012

At Peace

I am kind of at peace despite all that is going on in my life. I know I have done every thing I can do so the rest is in Jesus' hands. I am still not sleeping which I know that my body will finally just give in and I will sleep. My depression seems better and my anxiety is at a lower level. I think that just letting go and realizing I done my best has given me a peace. Believe me when I say there is still a lot going on! I am praying that I can hold on to this peace. Worrying seems to be my second nature, so I'm basting in this peace. Here is hoping tonight will be the night that sleep will come. Take care my friends and I will update you later.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012


I have been working on a PTSD  workbook in therapy.  It is very intense. I am gaining some insight on why I think the way I do. Facing the traumas that I have experienced is causing some distress. I know facing these thing will only make me stronger and take some power away from the events. Wish me luck as I embark on this journey.

Sunday, March 25, 2012


I used to  hate to be touched. I had been hurt by so many hands that I would cringe when anyone would touch me. Having been abused at the hands of my mother, step father, and my ex husband I was afraid  that no one could be trusted. My former pastor and now dear friend  was the first one to let me know that all people need to be touched.. A hand on the shoulder, a gentle hug was something that  every human needs. From the time we are infants and through out entire life we need a loving touch. When you can't tell bad touch from a good one you begin to fear all human contact. I still have some problems with this, but I'm beginning to trust some dear friends to give me a hug and feel safe. I still have a  way to go but I am making progress.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


I think I'm better and getting stronger. I just don't understand why I have such highs and lows. It seems no matter how hard I try I just fall into these deep, dark depressions. I have a wonderful support system and am in therapy. The emotional roller coaster is very exhausting. It seems like sometimes I just totally shut down. It seems like so many people stay up all the time. They are able to over come those things that have happened to them. I struggle. The last few days have been difficult. I just can't give up. I will continue to fight. I'm worth it.

Monday, March 19, 2012


Alice's lungs are a little better today. They are starting her on breathing treatments to make sure the airways keep open. So a little better is good news.

The  guys from my church that are going to build a ramp went and observed some carpenters this weekend. It sounds like that went well and they have some good ideas. I feel so blessed.

It has been pouring down rain all day. I'm sure we looked so funny with Alice soothing down the stairs. It was just too slick for her to use the crutches on the steps. We looked like drowned rats by the time we got in the car. Well at least we made it to the doctor's office!

Sunday, March 18, 2012

We Need Each Other

More and more I'm learning how much we need each other. Kind words or a hug can change a bad day into a good one. I have always felt I could make it on my own, but more and more I realize how much I need others. We are not islands. What we do affects others. There are indeed times in each of our lives we need someone to lean on. In return our experiences can help someone else.

Saturday, March 17, 2012


Alice has pneumonia. She is not in the hospital, but at home. She is very sick. She sees her doctor Monday. I can not help but worry because Chris died from pneumonia. I know far more people that have gotten over this than have not. Still I worry.

I am so tired. I'm trying to catch up from two lost days of sleep. You sure can't loose two whole nights of sleep very often.

In therapy yesterday we spent a lot of time on relaxation techniques. I was so stressed out.  I really needed to unwind. I feel very lucky to have my therapist because she really cares.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I am starting to feel stressed. I am trying to keep all my positive self talk and gratitude journal. I am still struggling. I've just got so much going on and I just don't feel good. I am  very tired. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I think I'm going to talk to him about my stress level. I also see my therapist Friday and plan to unload on her.

I saw my cardiologist today. He only made some minor medication changes. I need lab work done in two weeks and see him again in three months. I was hoping it would be a yearly visit.

Still waiting to hear from Oklahoma City to see if they can help Alice. I guess it just the hurry up and wait game. Gee I just need to be patient, after all it only been one day.

Spring has sprung around here. It got up to 80 degrees today. Just a few days ago it was raining and very cold. Only in Oklahoma. lol


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Spotted Pig

I had to go to ER last night due to a medication reaction. I was very short of breath.They gave me some IV medication to help my breathing. Today I look like a spotted pig because of the rash. I see the cardiologist Tuesday to see what the next step is.

My daughter is still no better. We have a wheelchair so at least she can get out of her bedroom. We are waiting on the specialist to see what the next steps are. Needless to say she is very depressed. 

We got a lot of rain the last two days which we really needed. I was able to go to my small group meeting with the church tonight which was very up lifting. Will keep you updated.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Out Of The Hospital

I'm finally out of the hospital. I was one very lucky lady. My heart was fluttering at a very rapid, unsafe rhythm. I'm on some new medications which should control the heart rate. I have a ton of appointments the next couple of weeks.

Alice is really having problems. She feel at the hospital and since that time her right leg is numb. No feeling what so ever! She is trying to get around for very short distances on her crutches, but she has almost fallen several times. We had to get the fire department to get her out of the car. They put her on short term steroids to see if that helps.This is scary.

Monday, March 05, 2012

In The Hospital

I can't believe I'm in the hospital! Yesterday I started feeling a funny feeling in my chest. It was kind of like a pain. I was just going to blow it off, but had second thoughts. It good thing,because my  heart was in a irregular rhythm and a rate of 200 beats per minutes. They are giving medication IV that has slowed my rate down.  I am going to have some testing done and try some oral medication. I am making this a short post because I don't feel that good. Talk with you later.

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Lunch With My Girlfriends

I had lunch with my girlfriends today and it was great! It was nice to kick back and enjoy just "girl talk". We all ate too much, but it was soooo good! The beautiful weather we are having was just the icing on the cake.

I am still not sleeping well, but my psychiatrist made a minor medication adjustment. I told him that it made me nervous because I did not want to go in that deep depression again. I am still a bit manic and not sleeping that well. He also said that the lack of sleep is why I am having sever headaches. With all that said I still prefer a sight mania to the severe depression.

 I  feel so at peace with the world right now.  It's a good feeling. Hope everyone has a good day!