Someone asked me yesterday "What is your purpose in life?"  I had to say that it was to help those that had been abused and wounded. Abuse can change the entire way a person relates to life. I know it did for me. It breaks a person. There reactions and beliefs are not the same as those who were never abused. The trust level is  so different. They frequently are repeat victims because it seems "normal". As I heal I want to share a hope of a better life.  Breaking the cycle of abuse is a deliberate choice. It takes work and therapy and the help of God. I am healing. I am not there yet, but I have come a long way. I want to give hope to those that are hurting. Part of the abuse damage is never knowing love. I am so blessed that my children taught me how to love and receive love.

Tears

Hot tears stream down my face

Washing away the pain from deep within 

My heart is breaking yet no one can see

Surrounded by a crowd but still all alone 

A smile hides the burning pain within 

A mask that melts in the darkness of my room

Alone with my tears no hiding here

My tears burn hot to cleanse and heal

The gentle touch from a kind person's hand

Loving words spoken softly help brush my tears away

These tears that only love can heal

A Rose, A Teddy Bear, Dinner, And Tears

Holidays have been bitter sweet for me since Chris' death. I am very thankful to have Alice here. She brings a smile to my face. There is still that hole that misses Chris. What did Mother's Day bring me this year? A rose, a teddy bear, dinner, and tears. Each one leaves a warm place in my heart. I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day. Again Happy Mother's Day.

What Mother's Day Means To Me

What Mother's Day means to me. 

I think Mother's Day should be called Children's Day.

God's greatest gift to me were my children.

To look into their eyes, to hold their little hands.

Watching them grow, play games, develop their own personalities.

Seeing their first love, grow into adults and return my love.

I know Mother's Day is a time to honor our Mothers.

Having come from a very abusive home this has been hard.

I don't have that warm fuzzy feeling.

I have forgiven my Mom and understand she did the best she could.

Still Mother's Day is all about my children.

Hearing them say  "Thanks for always being there for me."

Children are indeed a gift from God and should be treated as such.

I hope I have not offended anyone, but this is just what Mother's Day has come to mean to me.

Update

My sister has stabilize, but is not yet out of the woods. They did surgery on her kidneys so hopeful she will not have to stay on dialysis. She still has a massive infection but is doing better.

I  was unable to take the new lupus drug. I got the "runs" so bad I could not get a  few feet away from the toilet. I also developed blisters on the bottom of my feet. This was with one pill! We are going to wait a week to see what to try next. I am checking with my insurance to see if the cover the new medication she is recommending.

On a more pleasant note I feel better than yesterday. I am hoping for a peaceful weekend.

Urgent Prayer Request

 Urgent Prayer Request

My sister is in critical condition. She is in renal failure and is septic.

 

Manic Monday

 Angels Watching Over Me

Looks like it's going to be one of those manic Mondays. I went to see my rematologist today to go over my lab work and treatment plan. The good news is my lupus syndrome is not effecting my internal organs.   The bad news is that my inflammation level is worst than it has ever been. My joint and tissues are being effected. We will be starting two new medications and slowly increase on the one med every week for the next three weeks. This should help the pain and inflammation.

I heard a song on the way home that used to be one of Chris' favorite songs. I stopped by the cemetery to visit him. I miss him so much. I You Tube his song so you could see what a crazy guy he was.

We still have one more appointment to take Alice today.  She will have to use her walker today instead of her wheelchair.This will be a hard day for her.  We have started a diet which make us grumpy. Why is it always when you are on a diet you think of food all the time.

Gratitude

Gratitude:The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. I am trying to do this on a daily bases. Today I am thankful for my friends. Let me make a list.

1. AA
2. AJ
3. DM
4. EK
5. EB
6. J F
7. LM
8. RS
9. SF
10. SW
11. WB
12. YH

These are the people that are close to me and help me through the rough times. Never in my life have I had so many people that really care about me! I am also blessed with many cyber friends that encourage me and give me support. I have found my blog a source of healing and sharing. Thank you all for listening to me. It really means a lot to me to be able to open up and share the secrets of my heart.  Your comments are taken to heart and have been very healing.

Domestic Violence - My Story

My blog is a place to heal, share and grow. In therapy this is what I'm working on. If one person can be helped by my story then it is worth sharing. This may be upsetting to some, so read in a safe place.

I was young and recovering from an abusive childhood. I meet my knight in shinning armor. He was tall, blonde and had big brown eyes. He told me I was cute and I ate that up. We had a whirlwind romance and were married in 6 months. What could be better? He was a preacher kid and we meet in church. 

After a short period of time he hit me in the face. What did I do? I must have deserved it. It was my fault I am sure. The next day flower came and he said he was sorry. This would never happen again but it did! This continued for awhile but things got worst.

After one of our fights I ran out of the apartment. He tackled me on the front lawn. It was no contest because he was over 6 foot and I was only 5 foot 2 inches. As he was dragging me back to the apartment a neighbor yelled at him. He replied "It's OK she's my wife". He drugged me up to the apartment, ripped my clothes off and proceeded to brutally rape me. Curled up in a fetal position I thought "It's OK she's my wife."n

I began nursing school and worked full time. People begin to question why I was covered with bruises. Of course I had fallen down stairs a number of time.  He decided to have an affair so we separated about 6 months. He had "changed" and promised he would never hit me or have an affair again. Was I stupid ? Yes!

We soon started a family. All was going well with the birth of my first child.  Two and a half years latter I became pregnant with my second child. He then started hitting me on  the top of my head and telling me how fat and stupid I was.When you are hit on the top of your head it leaves no marks.

The worst thing I remember was being shoved out of the car. As I was walking down the street bloody and confused he pulled up beside me and said " Take these damn kids". We walked to ER where I said I had a car accident. DHS was called and we spent the night in a shelter.

We then agreed something had to change. We agreed to start going to church and seeing counseling. This was wonderful. We had family dinners together, went to church together, and enjoyed the kids ball games. Unfortunately this didn't last too long.

The last beating my son called the police. I knew then this was effecting the children so it had to end. The police took the kids and I to a safe house. I filed a protective order and started the divorce proceedings. I always felt the kids were safe, but it left emotional scars. I really wish I had gotten out sooner and was not so afraid of my ex husband.I feel very lucky that I got out alive and my children were never physically injured.





 

Therapy

Therapy has been very difficult the last few weeks. It has taken my mind to a darker place. Remembering  painful images has caused me to be very edgy and sleep deprived. I also believe that physically not feeling well contributes to the problem. My therapist is telling me I am doing good work and this will help me heal. Sometimes I think I am just too old for this. I guess there is no age limit on being whole. My goal for healing is to be able to help and encourage other so I guess it is worth the discomfort now.