Friday, July 30, 2010


I saw my rheumatology doctor today and they had to put me back on some of my autoimmune medicine. This might explain some of my exhaustion. I just hate taking another drug. If it works I guess it will be worth it. I also had both of my knees and right shoulder injected. That usually helps the pain for a while. The SPCA is showing some of the dogs and cats tonight at a horse show, so I'm helping.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Lack Of Sleep

It was after 5 Am when I finally dozed off last night. I have been having trouble for several days and I know that is why my mood hasn't been in the best place. I'm forcing myself to do somethings around the house this morning. The exhaustion is getting to me. I think such crazy, self destructive thoughts when I am so sleep deprived. I don't think my medicine is working at all. I guess I'll try to get that across to my doctor when I see her on Wednesday. I been telling her for weeks I didn't think they are working. I don't know what to do to get the point across! Try, try again. I guess I need to find something productive to do. I talk to you all later.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

6 Months

Six months ago Chris died early morning in ICU. I spent most of the day today at the SPCA so I would not dwell on his death. I'm still having a very difficult time and crying a lot. I miss him so much. The pain is as real today as it was 6 months ago. Everyone keeps telling things will get better in time, but I'll never completely get over the loss. He was a wonderful young man. It just seems so unfair that he was taken before he could experience so many things in his life. Nobody ever said life was fair. I just want to tell Chris how much I love you. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Physical and sexual childhood abuse. Survived
Abusive and unfaithful husband. Survived
Severely mentally ill daughter. Surviving
My own mental illness. Surviving
My youngest son's death. Surviving.

Is there more to life than just surviving? I can't give up. It's not my nature. I am a good person, who a lot of bad things has happened to. I am healing so slowly. Sometimes I wonder what is the grand plan. Day by day is all I can do. To accomplish small tasks. Some days getting out of bed is rough. I want to believe I'll be better someday. Until that time I will continue to love others and give what I can to help others through their own difficult times.

Monday, July 26, 2010


I am totally drained today . I've tried to do a few things, but I keep having to rest. Emotionally I feel just as empty. I see the therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure if it is helping or not. I am going to lay back done and try to get some strength.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Pastor Prayed With Me Today

I went to churcch today and cried the entire service. Those of you that have been keeping up with my posts know my head has not been in the best place. After service I went front for prayer. I hurt so bad I sometimes I don't think I'll make it. It's such a dark place in my mind. I have to believe. What else is there? I'm so tired. Each day is a struggle. I don't even know what I feel. I just need hope that it will not always be like this. God don't let go of me.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Back in Town

Well I'm back in town today. I stayed a few extra days because I was in such bad shape. I'm feeling a little better but still in a very touch and go situation. My coping skills right now are pretty well shot. I'll be keeping in close contact with my therapist and doctor. At least I have enough sense right now to call for help instead of taking too many medicine. I really appreciate all your support. You guys are the greatest!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Couple of Days

I going to spend I going to spend a couple of days with a friend. I think I need to get away from here for awhile. She such a good friend it always helps me to be around her. Besides I'm afraid to be alone.

Friday, July 16, 2010

They Wanted to Admit Me Today

They wanted to admit me today,but I agreed to check in with my therapist on a daily bases for right now. What I did last night was very dangerous. She was very reluctant to do this, but I promised her I would keep safe. She had me pick up a book When Bad Things Happen To Good People. If things continue I am to go to the hospital. She wants me to keep an anger chart daily and I see her again on Wednesday. I'm going to start reading the book as soon as I'm off line. Your comments and prayers are appreciated. Right now I need all the help I can get. It seems by bipolar depression is really messing with my grief.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Took Too Much Medicine

Poison Control says I took too much Clonazepam tonight.They want me to get someone to set with me or go to the hospital. Neither one of those things are an option. They are going to check on me in an hour or so to see how I'm doing. I don't want to end back back in the mental hospital again since I just got out in May. I see my the therapist tomorrow at 10:00 AM. The anxiety and the stress are getting more than I can bear. My faith is so severely shaken I don't know where to turn. I see God working miracles in others peoples lives, but I just can't feel Him. He seems to have abandoned me. I'm not feeling any of the side effects from taking too many pills, so I think everything will be okay. I feel many people have given up on me and feel I'm a lost cause. Can someone give me hope that things will get better? I so need to believe I can feel better.Years of abuse has messed me up so bad. Then losing Chris was just too much. I may have started therapy to late in my life. I had blacked so much of the horrible things out of my life. I knew something was wrong with me, but after my "nervous break down" at 18 years old I completely blocked out the past for several years. My sister and brothers had to help verify the abuse. The memories where just to terrible to seem real. I feel only a true miracle can save me. I do believe they can happen. I guess I better wait for the call from Poison Control.

Heat Wave

It's very hot here. They have heat advisory out. We are suppose to hit a heat index of 110 degrees. To hot for my blood. I'm going to have to go out today and get some essentials. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up til after 4 AM. I haven't cried today, which I guess is a good thing. I am very tired however. Thanks for all your love and support. I know I have been a train wreck for the past several months. My friends have made this tough time more bearable. Hugs!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Missing Chris

I'm missing Chris so badly today! I can't stop crying.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Rash Improving

My rash is improving, but I still don't feel very well. My eyes look terrible still and all of these steroids are making me sick at my stomach. It's still better than it was. I think I'm going to buy some Round Up and not mess with pulling any more weeds. I think it will be safer and cheaper in the long run. My check was slow being deposited this month. I finally get it tomorrow. Good thing I was getting down to last dimes. Thanks everyone for your concerns. I'll be glad when the itching is gone. Talk at you later.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Poison Ivy

I was pulling some weeds the other day and I guess I got into some poison ivy or something. I woke up yesterday with my eyes swollen shut and a rash on my face. I have been itching like crazy and feeling a little short of breath. So I went to the doctor this morning because my face looked like some kind of monster and there was a rash on my arms. They gave me a steroid shot which I hope will take some of the itching away. He also called in some cream and more steroids. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Hot At The SPCA

Boy was it humid and hot today when helping the SPCA. I felt sorry for the dogs being out there for 4 hours. Of course they had plenty of water and food and could go into the air conditioned van for a break. There sure were some cute ones out today. Some of these animals stories are so sad. I held a little 10 year old mixed breed named Peaches. She came in with a broken jaw and had to have her mouth wired shut for several weeks. She was such a lap dog I can't even imagine someone having broken her jaw. Then there was the 5 month old mixed breed puppy. He played so hard the first 3 hours he was wiped out by the time we left. He was sleeping so soundly he had to be picked up a carried to the van. Believe me he was a arm full. He is going to be a big dog someday, but so sweet. The cats have it made because they get to stay in the air conditioned glass fronted van the entire time. There was one big gold and white cat that reminded me of my cat. I hope some of the cuties get adopted very soon.

Friday, July 09, 2010

Please Help Me

Dear God, I ask for your peace and rest because I am so weary. Weary from the sadness that has filled my heart. Therapy is good, but it is not providing the relief I need. I need a touch. I need hope and love that I can feel. I'm not sure how much longer I cam go on. Please help me.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

What Is Wrong With Me?

A friend and I were suppose to meet this afternoon at my house. She is quite a bit older than I am and has difficulty walking at times. The weather here has been pouring down raining and the streets have been flooding. I called her and got her voice mail. No big deal. One hour later I called her and again got her voice mail. I waited another hour and the same thing. Now I have imagined the worst. She had fallen and could get to the phone or maybe she was dead. Why on earth would my mind go there? I got in my car an drove in this dangerous weather to her house. I looked in her garage and her car was there, but she didn't answer the door. I was debating on calling 911 when my cell phone rang. It was her. She had not felt good today and had been sleeping. She said she was sorry and didn't mean to worry me. My question is why did I assume the worst? I was terrified I would go to her house and find her dead. What is wrong with me?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

A Little Bit At A Time

I went through a couple of Chris's dresser drawers today and took some stuff to Good Will. It's still very hard for me to go into his room. A little bit at a time is all I can handle. If I could grant just one wish it would be that no parent should ever have to experience the loss of a child. I guess I'm getting a little better, because I don't cry everyday. Today has been a crying day however. I miss him so much. I try to keep busy. I can actually some days remember happy times we had together. I think that is a good sign. Bad sign is some days I just want to die.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Rough Day

I'm having a rough day. Nothing seems to make much sense. I am barely functional. I didn't call my therapist because I did think it would help. I didn't even get dressed today. I've tried to eat a few bites of food today, but I just gagged when I tried. If I'm not doing any better by tomorrow I'll call her.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

4 Day Holiday

I getting ready to take a 4 day holiday with my best friend. See now live out of town so I don't get to see her as often as I used to. I don't know what the plans are, but she picks me up tomorrow at noon. I'll be staying at her place until Monday and I'm sure we can find some trouble to get into. I really need this break, because I have been fighting this depression for so long. I know we are going to her daughter on the fourth for a cook out and fireworks. The change of seneriy will do me good. I let everyone know how things went when I get back home. Happy 4th of July eveeryone!