Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What is Wrong With Me?

April is always a rough month for me. Many of the blogs I read have been very triggering and have caused me to ask myself some questions. I have been told that the key to healing is forgiveness. How do you really forgive someone that has beaten, molested, and repeatedly raped you? He is dead , so he can no longer hurt anyone. In fact he died at a very young age. I have said I made a choice to forgive him, but it seem very empty. I have no feelings except pain. No anger. What is wrong with me? It's like I can not feel anger. It's like a movie when I remember. It's me. I feel it, but I can not attach emotion to it. I feel pain for others when I hear they have been molested or raped. I become physically ill when I hear of a child that is molested. Why don't I feel anything for the little Wanda? Will I ever feel?

10 comments:

Mike Golch said...

do what I did.go to his grave and forgive him.I know easier said that done.

Ethereal Highway said...

How can you possibly feel the buried anger about something you have 'forgiven'? And where did this demand to forgive come from? Why can you not just have your own thoughts and feelings? Has someone forbidden this? By whose authority do others get to decide these things for you?

Ethereal Highway said...

Oh, and to answer your title question - there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is something wrong with abusers and people who demand that survivors cater to them by suppressing their real feelings.

jumpinginpuddles said...

i wonder how much pressure you put on yourself to forgive because of your religious beliefs over what is right for Wanda?
Maybe the little girl is hiding until you figure that out?

Just Be Real said...

Wanda, thank you for sharing your pain. There is not a thing wrong with you!!!

I am so very sorry all this crap has happened to you and you are reliving it!

Wanda, in my present journey, I cannot even get angry at my abuser so I cannot even forgive someone that I am not angry with. I question myself "am I normal???" Yes...... what I have realized thus far, through t. is that I am just not ready yet. My mind is still being protected, and I just cannot handle the pain just yet.

I am told time time time is the answer. Ugh!!!

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Dr. Deb said...

There is nothing wrong with you, my friend. The things you write about *are* feelings. "Detached" "Numbed" and "Disconnected" are appropriate feelings given what you have gone thru. As is confusion, anger and loss. Forgiveness is a process. And it does not unfold the same for us all. Be kind and good to yourself as you continue to move through this. I know personally and professionally about this. It is one of the toughest roads to travel.

{{{{hugs}}}}
~Deb

Raine said...

I dont go much for this "forgiveness" crap. I believe it is healthier and needed to be able to get angry in your own defense. You cant forgive anyone anyway until you have felt the emotions they cause. There are a few things in my life that I will never forgive, never forget. The best I will do is to stop actively wishing them harm. That is enough

Ethereal Highway said...

I completely agree with Raine. There are people who will support you, Wanda, if you feel anger or do not forgive. Ask yourself this - would you forgive if someone did to your very own child what was done to you? Would you feel anger? Would you listen to the Thought Police, who all seem to hold forgiveness in high regard (no matter how they spin it before presenting it to others)? What if it had been your chid instead of you? Why do you think you are less valuable than other children and that what was done to you should be pardoned?

Just Be Real said...

Wanda, dropping by to just say thinking about you dear one!