Out With The Old And In With The New

 I can't say I am sorry to see 2011 leave. It has been a rough year for me. Three hospitalizations, financial woes, and a  number of other problems. I can not however forget how wonderful people have been this year to me and been so kind.
The year 2012 brings hope of a better tomorrow My daughter is now here with me.. I am surrounded by friends, both cyber and real life and I have a glimmer of hope in my eyes.

Happy New Years

People's Kindness

With all the hectic things that go on this time of the year it is easy to forget the kindness of others. I am so thankful for all the kindness from people in my life. People have really stepped up to show their kindness. The other night a dear friend brought chilli for dinner for Alice and I because they knew we were both down and under. I just have to be thankful for all those in my life that accept me spite of all my faults and mental illness. 

Oh My Gosh

Oh my gosh! It's December 14 and only 11 days to Christmas.  I am so not ready!  I am never this far behind!
Today is going to be a busy day. I must Christmas shop, mail my Christmas cards, and pay bills. This post is going to be very short and sweet. I am wishing everyone is more organized than I have been.

Recovering

I just spent 10 days in the hospital getting my medication adjusted. I see my doctor tomorrow. I think I am way too sedated. I am exhausted  and am trying to help my daughter post op from her knee surgery. She want me to let everyone know where her new blog is. It's www.alicep.com. She would love to have some visitors to her blog. I will slowly try to get around to everyone blog to catch up when I can keep my eyes open. lol

Did Anyone Black Friday Shop?

Well did anyone do the black Friday shopping thing? If so did you get any of the wonderful deals? In days gone by I have done the madness, but not this year. I guess I just to old for that kind of thing! My idea of black Friday is rest and clean up from the day before. Boring.I know. LOL I guess that is what I have become in my mature years.

Keeping It Together

I am trying to keep it together for everybody else on this Thanksgiving holiday. I'm cooking, having guests, and everything else that you are suppose to do. But my heart is deeply sadden without Chris here to enjoy the season. Thanksgiving was one of his favorite times. He loved the turkey and green bean casserole. He always wanted a turkey leg. This year I don't think anyone else will.  I miss my baby so badly, but don't want to spoil the day for everyone else. Why is my heart breaking so? Memories are still so painful. He had such a beautiful smile it just would light up the room. I'm really hurting on the inside.

What Is Everybody Cooking?

I'm planning Thanksgiving dinner for my daughter and two guests. I was just checking with everybody else to see what on their Thanksgiving menu. Here is what I'm planning

1. Turkey
2. Stuffing
3. Candie yams
4. Fruit salade
5. Green bean casarole
6. Punkin pie
7. Ice cream

Finally Slept

I finally slept some last night and feel a tiny bit better. I need sleep so desperately. I need to get some rest so I can attack what life is throwing at me. I feel like I'm in a fog. Sleep deprivation is a real pain in the behind.

On brighter news I had lunch with a couple of friends from church.   We went to Ihop and had the senior special omelet. It sure was yummy. It sure is nice to have friends to share with.

Sleep Refuses To Come

Heaviness weighs on and sleep refuses to come

Loneliness hovers like a invited friend

Problems fill the mind with a painful dread

The day's busy thoughts fight to control my head

Darkness fills the room and confusion  rushes in

Time appears to come to a halt in the dead of the night

But the clocks ticking resounds filling my head

 Tossing and turning, but no comfort is found

Praying for morning and dawns welcome light

Blogger's Block

I think I have blogger's block. I'm not sure if it's because I am depressed and just hate to let out those emotions or what. I don't want to stop blogging and just disappear like so many blogs do, but I am really struggling to know if there is anything else left to say or if this is going to pass in time. Blogging has always helped me express my feeling in a safe environment. I enjoy reading what others are thinking and feeling. Right now I feel sad and alone. I have always wanted my blog to be a place to share, encourage others, and a place of healing. I want my blog to be a hopeful place. I just so tired right now mentally and physically. I just can't give up. I will continue to write and share no matter how difficult it is.

Remembering Those That Have Given So Much

Happy Veterans Day

I just want to say I am so thankful for all that have given so much .
Today we enjoy freedom to live in the worlds greatest country. We have so much to be thankful for. To all that have served and the families that have given so much. Thank you!

Missing Love One Over The Holidays

I'm going to a support group tonight for parents that have lost  a child. I've been struggling and hope to get a boast of strength from the meeting. I want to make this a good Holiday season for Alice. We are planing on having one guest for Thanksgiving. I want to make it special for Alice. She is so excited. We always had a big dinner on Thanksgiving and put up a  Christmas tree that night. Last year Alice was across the country and I spent the day at a friends house so I would not be alone. Things just aren't the same with Chris gone. I miss him so much. It's like it was yesterday on some days.

Oklahoma Earthquack

Oklahoma had it biggest earthquake ever. A 5.6. I know that might not sound like much but for Oklahoma it was a "big one". Our mobile home really shook and the sound was like a big truck or train was right on top of us.  We didn't know what it was and all my area got was the after shock. There was some damage to some homes and roads. It is just so rare here. We didn't have any damage, but my friend in Oklahoma City had some minor damage.

Therapist Wanted To Admit Me

I'm not sleeping again and my thoughts are running to the dark side again. My therapist thought I might need to be in the hospital again for a short term stabilization.She had me leave word with my doctor although I see him Monday. Being manic with the mixture of depressive thoughts racing in my mind is very uncomfortable. I try to be positive and  fill my head with positive thoughts, but it hard when you are dealing with a chemical imbalance. I'm holding on to my friends with all my might.

Fell

I don't know what up (or down) with me lately. :) I fell again last night. At least I didn't break anything! I'm just very sore all over and have a few bruises. Blue is suppose to be my color. LOL.  I have had two bad falls this year. The first one I broke my foot. I just don't know why this is happening. Maybe I just try to move too fast or something. Enough about my gracefulness.

Seems that there are a lot less trick or treat children out each year. I think this is sad because it used to be such a fun time for kids. We did have a cute little monkey carried by his daddy that came last night. Now the question is what to do with all the left over candy?

Happy Halloween

Healing

Healing takes time, patience, work, therapy, and God. I believe the broken can be restored and healed. I believe I am a work in progress. I'm taking steps to be whole and as I grow possibly inspire others along the way.

Tears can be healing. I cried a lot in my therapy session today. I feel we pulled out some of the pain and filled it with positive affirmations. I am a good person. I can be a  positive influence on others. I am OK!  I still believe if I can help anyone in there journey then this blog is not a waste of time. 

New Tapes

I am me.
I am able to do things.
I survived a lot of shit: I am strong!
I am God's child and deserve to be loved.


This was suggested by a friend and I love it!

Old Tapes

I find writing or blogging an excellent way to cope with stress. Sometime when things are really bad I have a hard time doing anything. Currently I am really trying to change the old tapes in my head. That can be so hard.
My old tapes say:

1. I'm stupid
2. I'm fat
3. Nobody could love you
4. You deserve every bad thing that happens
5. You deserve to be hurt or abused

Over time these tapes have played in my head since I was a child. It hard for me to think that even God could love me. How am I working on changing these tapes?

1. Therapy
2. Bible study
3. Working on my eating plan
4. Being around positive people
5. Blogging about my feeling
6. Encouraging others

If I can help one other person realize that they are special then I have been a success.  I am determined to be more than my past abuse. I will overcome. I will love and be loved.
 

I'm A Little Lost Right Now

I really don't know what going on with me, but I feel a bit lost right now. I am really having trouble focusing on doing anything. Has any one else just felt like they are going through the motions of day to day life without really knowing what they are doing? That is what I'm feeling. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about it. I am very calm right now. I am concerned because I am normally so driven to do something. I say I'm calm, but my body is shaking as I set here and type. I just feel strange! Just want to let everyone know I'm still around.