Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Medication Adjustment

My psychiatrist is adjusting my mood stabilizer because he thinks I am in a "mixed episode." He feels that is why I am not sleeping, I know this is not my typical manic episode, because I am not having fun. I am adjusting the medicine for two days  and if still not sleeping again on the third day. I have to see him again in one week. I am just hoping I will start sleeping again, This is really getting old.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Sunday Sketches

 Christmas Puppy
Is it ever to early to think of Christmas?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Why Are Some People So Mean?

Why are some people so mean? My daughter recently stopped blogging and close her face book account because of mean hateful statements. I was shocked at some of the statements. Here are some of them.
  1. Why don't you f*** off and die
  2. You are a waste of space
  3. You are not even a girl you are an "it"
How can some people be so mean and hateful? Alice did not ask to be born with both sex organs. It just is a fact of her life. I asked her if she wanted me to remove her story from my blog and she said no. She is not ashamed of who she is. I am so hurt that people can be so mean. I hate the pain she endures because she was born different.  Hate is such an ugly thing and it cause so much pain, Again my question is why?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Sleep My Long Lost Friend

Oh how much I need a good night sleep. I just don't sleep.My psychiatric is worried that I do not sleep and wanted me to do a sleep study. I took the test and after 2 sleeping pills still only slept for 1.5  hours. The sleep specialist wants to repeat the study and really knock me out with anxiety medicine and sleeping pills so they can get a better idea of what is going on. I have to have some one drive me to and from the test because of the amount of medicine I will be taking, Maybe they will come up with some answer and I can finally sleep. Yeah! Everyone needs sleep.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Life Can Be Hard

If there is one thing I am sure of it is life can be hard.  There are things that happen to each of us that are hurtful, unfair, and even criminal. I wonder who I would be if I had not faced so much adversity. I consider myself a kind and loving person. I admit that I can be guarded  and not the most trusting individual.

Child abuse is one of the most horrific things that can happen to a child. The person is forever changed. How damaged am I? I don't know that words can express the damage that has been done. I have seen and read others stories and they seem to have totally healed. I have read others who are more deeply effected than myself. Yet I know that it effects my entire being and myself worth almost daily. Yes I have healed some. I want to reach out to those that wounds are still raw and opened.

 What keeps me going? A hope for a better tomorrow. My faith in God that total healing and restoration will one day be mine. Not only for myself but for all that have suffered at the hands of an abuser. Some day we will see things clearly without the tint of this earthly pain. I am convinced that this story is not over yet and I will help other through tremendous losses.

I chose life and hope.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Sunday Sketches

This little fellow makes me think of Fall my favorite season.
Done in Pastels
Maple Tree

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Love Fall

I love fall. I love to feel the cool breezes blowing, I love the trees as they change to yellow, orange and brown.  I love the sound of the leaves crackling under my feet.

I love the look of big orange pumpkins. 

 I love watching small animals gather food for the up coming winter. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Been A Long Month

It's been a long month (5 weeks since payday). I hate trying to make the money last  the extra week. It is hard. I had to cancel my therapy appointment because I didn't have enough money to go.  I get paid tomorrow and boy will I ever be glad. The old kitchen cabinets are getting bear. LOL

Our church has started "life groups" and I joined a group on Sunday. I think it is going to be a good experience.  There are about 12 people in the group. We eat together and have a short Bible study and  pray for each other. I am kind of shy so I didn't say to much in the group, but I think it is going to be good for me to make more friends.

I am going to try and go to Compassionate Friends group Thursday night. It is a group for those that have lost a child. I haven't been in several months,but am feeling the need  to go.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Let Us Remember 9/11

Lets us all remember those who's life were forever changed by 9/11. 
Let us continue to pray for this great country.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Trying To Stay Upbeat

I'm really trying to stay upbeat right now. Life is not very good right now and I am fighting depression big time. I keep looking at my "grateful journal" and realize that I do have things to be thankful for. Depression clouds what one sees and I know that it is a uphill battle. I still believe it is worth fighting. Depression would like to destroy and kill me, but I can NOT let that happen. I hate the suicidal voice that is in my head. I battle him frequently. Today is national suicide prevent day and I will not become a "sad" number on some chart.  I can win by doing life one minute at a time.

Friday, September 09, 2011


When things look bad, hope is what keeps me going. Struggling with depression can leave one hopeless.  The thing to remember is what a difference a small amount of time can make. Looking hard sometimes to find what we are thankful for. Do we have a roof over our head? Do we have something to eat? Are there those that care for us? Many times life can look so bad and things seem to be at the bottom.  Hope keeps us going,  Hold on to that thread no matter how small it may seem.  I fight suicidal thoughts frequently.  I know the despair of thinking things can not be worst. Keep safe, what ever it takes because there is a tomorrow and that might be the day when things change. I write this for all that suffer from depression, because depression make things feel hopeless.  As we help one another the world is a better place. Hope keeps us alive!
Suicide Prevention Day
September 10, 2011

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

We All Need Somebody To Lean On

I just love this song. It is so true and I am so thankful for all those people that have been there for me.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Cool Breezes

Woke up this morning to a cool breezes and made me think of fall. What is more fall than a big orange pumpkin? It just put me in a calm peaceful mood. I feel so alive today. This simple sketch just reelects my mood. Have a great weekend and enjoy life today.

Friday, September 02, 2011


The best part of my life has been the last few years. I have found a community of people that truly care through my church. We all need someone from time to time to lean on.  With a history of abuse it is so hard to let your  defenses down and let someone in your life. It sometimes seems safer not to let anyone close to you. That is such a lonely way to live. We were not meant to live life isolated. I'm grateful that I am finally comfortable enough with myself to let some other people get close to me. Blogging is also a great way to meet people and open up your heart for friendship. I have met so many people through blogging that I truly care about. It is a wonderful way to meet and care for others.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

Manic Again

This song keeps going through my head because it has been a Manic Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. My daughter and I did a 6 hour road trip at 3 AM today and I still haven't been to sleep. I been getting less that 2 hours sleep for the last several days. I not really tired, but know what is to come later. Oh well this too shall pass. It just part of  being me!