Monday, February 28, 2011

Therapy Can Be Painful

Today was a very painful day in therapy. We talked about my Mom and how much different she was than me. We talked about how she would abandoned us for months at a time and leave us with my Grandmother. We talked about how she allowed my step dad to molests my sister and I myself. The abuse really causes me to have trust issues after all these years.
We talked about how I show signs of self hatred and how difficult it is for me to think that anyone could really like me. We talked about how losing Chris shattered my brief that being "good" was rewarded in life. We talked a little about God. Her views are totally different than mine, but that's OK. We talked about how bad things can happen regardless of whether you are a good person or not. I got her e-mail address to contact her if I need her between session. I can not believe I got the nerve to ask for it, but I did it.
Painful as it was I think we made some head way on me accepting myself as a lovable person.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Hurts When Your Kids Hurts

Right now I wish I had a magic wand to take away some of Alice's pain. I can not even find the right words to say to inspire some hope in her heart. Believe me I know the feelings of hopelessness. She is so young to have to battle with this disease. Depression really s**ks. I have lived with it all my life and can see the hopelessness it brings.

 I wonder why some brains are chemically the way they are. Here are some command symptoms of depression:
  • Constant sadness
  • Irritability
  • Hopelessness
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Low energy or fatigue
  • Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
  • Significant weight change
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Loss of interest in favorite activities
That is no way to have to live. Alice if you do read this know I love you and wish I could make it better for you. Struggling myself. You hang in there and we make it together!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


It's been raining cat and dogs here. Speaking of cats I bought a different litter because it was all the store had at the time and my lovely little cat decided that she wasn't going to use the litter box. Needless to say I had to go out in the rain to buy "her litter".  Hopefully she will go back to her litter box now and not my garden bath tub. Ugh!
My name should be Trouble.

The change in the weather cause my muscles and joints to hurt. I think I'm going to have to take another pain pill. Autoimmune diseases can be very painful and exhausting."Your body's immune system protects you from disease and infection. But if you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system attacks healthy cells in your body by mistake." "Those with autoimmune disorders can have a wide variety of symptoms such as low-grade fever, joint pain, fatigue, and/or unexplained rashes that may change over time." I have three good friends beside myself that suffer from this disease. I feel I am the least debilitating of the 4 of us.

I mailed my best friend "Y" her Birthday card while I was out and picked up her a restaurant gift card.  I also picked up a few groceries for the house, so  maybe it wasn't just a trip out for my cat.  I did want to stay in the house today, but plans do change.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

So Exhausted

I'm so exhausted! The psychiatrist said this can be expected after being on a long mixed mania with depression episode of the bipolar I. I have to see him again in 2 1/2 weeks. He warned me NOT to change the dosages of the medication because that could flip me into a mania again. I really don't like feeling this exhausted. It's hard to keep from falling a sleep. He said go ahead and sleep because my body needs its,but I can't do that 24/7.

I'm worried about Alice because she fell on the ice on her bad knee. When I called they had just headed out for ER.  She couldn't bear any weight on the leg at all. I hope she did not dislocate something.

Finally no doctor or therapy appointment for tomorrow!  That really runs into the money @ $35.00 a whack.
Well I need to check out my banking account so I'll sign off for now.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Dealing With My Grief

"It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation.Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories."
"Grieving parents are survivors" 

I feel I should be  stronger than I am. It's been one year now and it feels like it happened yesterday. Not everyday but some days. I have survived so much in my life. There was sexual and physical abuse. Suicide of a family member. Being abandoned by my mother. All these things seem small in comparison to the loss of Chris. Yes I still talk to him in my spirit. His beautiful smile tells me I have to keep going and I believe I will join him someday.
  I love you baby!

Monday, February 21, 2011

I Am Competent, Capable, and Lovable

"I am competent, capable, and lovable" is what I am suppose to tell myself several times a day. The hardest part is the lovable. I will put the saying up on my computer that is one place I go daily. Seems like when your own Mother rejected you it hard to think that anyone can really love you. My therapist wants to see me weekly for awhile. All I can see is $$$$$$$$ that I don't have.  I know I need extensive treatment and the depression is bad right now. Abuse and abandonment sure can put some deep deep scars on someone.

Remember this is eating disorder awareness week and stand by those that struggle with this terrible disease. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I Ate Too Much

Yesterday I was taken out to dinner and I binged. Today I am freaking out because the number on the scale went up. I just can't go out without being a pig. I hate myself for what I did yesterday.

On top of that last night I was having flash backs and remember things that have been locked away in little compartments of my mind.

I am trying to give of myself to others and am being  pulled in  too many directions. I feel I must give 110% all the time. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster with no end in sight!!!

I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow because I feel like everything is spinning out of control. She says I need intensive therapy. What ever that means.

I wished I had weighed before I ate that stupid egg this morning. Maybe I can tolerate the pain and exercise everything off.  I wish I could at least like myself.

I will try to put together a care package for Alice this week. I know she is having a rough time. Maybe that will make her feel a little better.

I know this post is jumping all over the place with no sense of logic so I'll stop for now. Thank you all for you concerns, good vibes , and prayers.

Friday, February 18, 2011

One Day At A Time For Now

For now I am just trying to make it one day at a time. They have the mania controlled, but not the depression. I see my therapist Monday. This whole thing is so exhausting. I'm going to lie back down for now.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Am Out OF The Hospital

I was admitted to the hospital for 16 days. I'm in better shape now. A lot of  medication adjustments. I am hoping I can afford this treatment plan, because I feel my life does depend on getting better. I have applied for a finical assistance program. Hopefully I will get some assistance. I very exhausted and over whelmed right now so this is just a short post to let you know I'm OK.  Thanks for your concern and support.