What is Wrong With Me?

April is always a rough month for me. Many of the blogs I read have been very triggering and have caused me to ask myself some questions. I have been told that the key to healing is forgiveness. How do you really forgive someone that has beaten, molested, and repeatedly raped you? He is dead , so he can no longer hurt anyone. In fact he died at a very young age. I have said I made a choice to forgive him, but it seem very empty. I have no feelings except pain. No anger. What is wrong with me? It's like I can not feel anger. It's like a movie when I remember. It's me. I feel it, but I can not attach emotion to it. I feel pain for others when I hear they have been molested or raped. I become physically ill when I hear of a child that is molested. Why don't I feel anything for the little Wanda? Will I ever feel?

NUMB

I'm feeling a little numb due to recent poor sleep patterns. I don't like being so"snappy". I am not thinking clearly and have made some bad decisions. My thought patterns are running toward the darker side and I can stop thinking about how much I dislike myself. In my head I know I am just cycling though the depressive/mixed phase of the bi-polar cycle. On top of every thing else I'm having some PTSD flashbacks of my childhood. I'm clueless as to what is triggering them unless it's the fact I have talking with my sister. I have to remember this will not last for ever. If you pray remember me, if not send good wishes this way.

A Good Man

I just left a goodbye party for the senior physician at the clinic I work. He was a very kind and understanding man who was easy to work for. He was also my personal physician for the last several years. I greatly respected him and the way he ran the clinic. Tonight when he hugged me and told me he loved me I begin to cry. He has taken a less stressful job with shorter hours. I am happy he has a better job, but will greatly miss him.

Spring

It is time to start fixing up the place for spring . We need to paint the deck & front steps. Put out some flowers and maybe a hanging basket or two to brighten up the place. My son is not looking forward to mowing the lawn. It seems like spring is really short here. It goes directly to summer. My allergies think it is spring. My noses always knows! I am looking forward to some color.

Rest

Finally the mania is finished and I can sleep! Now it's time to pick up the pieces and see what I've done. People that think being manic is great have never lived it. It is not a good thing. I was so irritable by the end I was not fit to be around. This time I ran out of money for my medicine. The Medicare "doughnut hole" would be a good thing to be fixed by the president. Now I'm on my soap box. How do they expect people on a fixed income to pay out $4,000.00 a year on medicine? One of my medicine cost over what I make for the month. It's a joke! I try to get samples, but that is why I end up manic. Right now I have two weeks of medicine, but I do not know if I will be able to get samples again. I do Know that I will Not have the $1,400.00 to buy the medicine next month. I will just have to do the best I can. Right now it feels so good not to have racing thoughts and to be able to sleep at night. I will enjoy it. I'm happy. Maybe I won't get manic without the medicine. We can just live life one day at a time and enjoy the days as they come. Thank you everybody for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

No Sleep

No sleep in several days. My mind just won't shut down. I am afraid to drive now. I going to double up on the sleeping medicine tonight and see if that works. First thing in the morning I'm calling my psychiatrist. Wish me luck.