SAFE

I just want to let everyone know I am safe. Still in pain, but safe. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm falling apart right now. I'm having frequent flashbacks, feeling of wanting to harm myself and I can't stop crying. I'm in physical pain.My support system has collapsed.Oh God I wish this would just stop. I see my doctor on the 3rd. I hope I can hold on that long. If I would call the clinic tonight they would send the police to have me admitted and I can't afford that.I am going to find a safe place and hold my teddy bear until these feelings pass.

Flashback

"trigger warning" My sister coming to visit has trigger some memories and causes me to have some dreams and now a feeling flashback. My sister helped me remember a lot of my lost childhood memories. The flashback hit me fast last night.So fast I could not get any one for help. Curled up in a fetal position I felt his cold rough hands pulling my hands and legs away from my body. A sharp sting cross my face as the taste of blood fills my mouth. Again I feel his rough hands pulling on my pj bottoms.I pull back and hang on to them tightly until I feel another burning slap on my mouth and more bloody taste fills mouth. I shut my eyes and leave. Kicking and screaming a small voice fights his tightening grip. Then the pain down there. So much pain. Sobbing and praying this would end. Icky hot stuff all over my leg as he moans and groans. It didn't happen. Sobbing and shaking mes knows it happened again.

Five Positive Things

1. My doctor saved me $55.00 by giving me sample antibiotics for my upper respiratory infection.
2. My little sister called last night and she is coming to visit me for 5 days in July. It's been 4 years since we seen each other.(jumping for joy!)
3. My car is running good for the first time in over a year.
4. I didn't get any bills in the mail today.
5. My son has been very helpful today since I haven't felt well.
   

I'm Angry

I am so angry I can hardly stand it. What has got me so upset? My loss of control over my life. Eighteen months ago I became so sick I could no longer work. At that time I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease (an autoimmune disease similar to lupus). I have had PTSD with dissociation since I was a teenager and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20's. I was able to work with a few hospital admits ,but I had a good job working as a supervisor and making good money. I was a single mother raising two special needs children. Now I am praying I make it from pay day to pay day.OVER ONE HALF of what I earn from SSD goes to medical bills. (drugs and insurance) They say I make too much money to get help from the state with my medical bills. I don't see why we can't get food stamps or something. I've been crying all day because my oldest child ask me for some money for her electric bill and I didn't have any thing to give her. something has to be done to help those that fall between the cracks, You shouldn't have to chose between electric, medicine or food. IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!

LAZY

I'm feeling a bit lazy today. Finally got my car back from the shop, so I had to do some grocery shopping. We were out of everything and I can't live without my diet coke. The car cost more than the tax rebate check so we really got to pinch our pennies for the rest of the month (not like that is something that is real new in this house any way:). There has been so much rain and it has been hot. My allergies are killing me. All I do is cough and it is so hard to breath with my asthma. I just love being so healthy. Oh boy it almost time for dinner. Another weight watcher frozen dinner. Yum. maybe in six more month I will have reached my goal.

WHY

Why do some daddy hurt little girls? Wendy

Tax Rebate Check

Well it seems my tax rebate check came in the mail just in time to repair my car. My car is jumping like a rabbit in heat at every stop light. I think the idle is messed up. I'm hoping to find an honest person to work on the car. The air conditioner is also cutting off and on and with this hot weather that has got to be fixed also. I just thank God the check came so I can get the repairs done. (Hopefully it's enough to cover the cost!) Just kiss that money good bye:)

Ugh

It's raining, the house is clean, I'm broke, there's no gas in the car , and I'm MANIC!

Isolation

I'm not sure how to over come the isolation I feel in my church since we have a new pastor. The minister of music is great, but I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I had requested the pastor call me three times and he never called. I missed several weeks and seem nobody cares.It used to be such a caring place. It makes me so sad. I talked with my good fried PK and she feels something is wrong too. I know I am a person with needs,but church is somewhere you should be able to get your need met. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Child Within

My child with in is hurting badly right now and needs to say some things. I usually don't let her talk, but she helped me when thing where so bad when I was a child and she need to speak now. I have PTSD and Bipolar both are very real and affect my life daily. She holds hidden memories that I'm not strong enough to face. She is my friend.
Hi, my name is Wendy(shuffle feet).The nice doctor wasn't nice. He played a joke on us. He said he care,but did not. He was like daddy. He makes me cry inside. Wanda doesn't believe it. I know he was not nice. I wish Wanda would listen to me. I can tell when some one is going to hurt you . I want to have fun to but you can not trust big men. THEY HURT YOU

I wonder how much the connective tissue disease is is effecting my bipolar disorder. I feel I am come down hard from my manic state,but I'm in so much pain I can barely walk. I have the face and arm rash going on. I'm so depressed now it's terrible. It happens so fast also. I'll try to check in on every one soon . I think of you all a lot.