Hanging On

My emotions are all over the place! Sometimes I just start crying for no reason at all. I am in a lot of physical pain from the auto accidents and it seems when I am in pain it effects my bipolar disorder. It has also been hard not having a car to drive because Alice's truck in in the shop. I just feel like I'm hanging on the end of my rope.

Run Of Bad Luck

In a two week period of time I was a passenger in two auto accidents. The first one was on Good Friday and I was visiting my friend in Shawnee. A young girl ran a red light and totaled my friends car. Thank goodness she was insured. Both my friend and I had contusions but no broken bones. We were both very sore but it could have been much worst. The second accident was Monday. Alice was driving my car when someone pulled into the side of our car knocking us across 3 lanes into a ditch. Alice spent 3 days in the hospital because it caused increased injury to her back.  I only suffered contusions and strains.  This driver was uninsured and fled the scene of the accident. It was witnessed and a tow truck driver tracked her down and had her come back to the scene.  We both were taken to the hospital in two ambulances. I believe they will total the car.  Right now it is not drivable.We had liability and uninsured motorist only since my car was not new. We had no choice but get a lawyer to see if we can at least replace the car.

Thank goodness for friends helping us out to the stores and other things. We are still so blessed.

Structure

My therapist told me yesterday she thinks I need more structure in my life. I disagree. I have had structure all my life and now I want freedom. I want to be able to do what I want when I want. If I choose to do nothing some days so be it. She thinks I need to attend a Bipolar support group. Right now I am not interested. I have nothing against support groups but right now I just don't want to center my life around my mental illness. I guess I am being somewhat uncooperative but I want an uncomplicated life. It is not like I don't do anything. There is my small group, church, my friends, as well as program that I am trying to get accepted in to. Most of the time I am in so much pain it is hard to do things. This weekend I am going to spend time with a good friend. We are doing a "beauty day". a day watching her great grand kids hunting Easter eggs, the movies, and a lot more. Friday Alice and I went to a church dinner and bingo. I enjoy my blogging and TV shows. Maybe I should do more but most of the time I just don't feel like doing more. In fact the center just called and we have an appointment  next week.. I guess I will keep working at the things I like and go from there.

Cost Of Living

I opened my cable bill today and it had gone up significantly. It was so significant that I had to call to reduce some of the options of my plan.  The cost of groceries has continued to rise. Gas prices seem to raise daily. Living on a fixed income is getting harder and harder. Money problems can sure put you in the dumps. I guess this is my rant for the day!

Ray Of Hope

Just when you think things can't get worst something good happens to give you a ray of hope. The last few years have been one trail after another. I guess my  whole life has been a challenge. Through all that darkness there have been many of small things that give me a ray of hope. The "small" things can be very significant. They have come at times when I have felt my whole world was collapsing. I have to believe that God sees the struggles and throws a life line.

One thing that is a tremendous help is the encouragement and support of friends and family. I have been blessed with those that truley care about me. Sometimes it may feel like I'm all alone but this is not true.  Sometimes I wonder why life has to be so hard. I wonder why I must view things through the eyes of one with a mental illness. Then I think things could be so much worst. Each day I try to keep a gratitude list. When I do that there is always something to be thankful for. Staying strong  and not giving up is the important thing.

In A Strange Place

My head is in a strange place right now. I am struggling with depression. I seem to be questioning everything. Maybe it is the lack of sleep or the money problems we are having right now. I know I have so much to be thankful for but my mood is so dark and scary. I see my therapist Friday which I am hoping will help some. It is hard to do anything right now. I think part of the problem is that I have been in so much physical pain. Almost any movement cause me pain. I so want to be "normal". It is hard when you have to fight your own mind constantly.

Another Day

Saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he said that because I had nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea  my medication level where messed up. I have not been sleeping and was becoming a bit manic.I get so  cranky when I don't sleep, For the first few days being manic is kind of nice but after a while in is not good. Being so brittle makes my bipolar so hard to manage

A friend came over today and helped me clean my house. I so much appreciate the help. When you don't feel good the simplest things can be hard to acomplish.

What is it about laundry that it is never done? You are caught up one day and then the next there is more to do. Seems that is true of all house work. lol

A lot has been going on emotionally but it is just so hard for me to put it in words, I need to share but the words aren't coming to me right now.

Life

In therapy Friday we worked on changing dreams. I have frequent nightmares about past abuse. I thought it was very interesting how you could get power over the dreams.    I have not tried it yet but am very interested on weather it will work or not.

Our toilet broke yesterday and we bought a repair kit to fix it but neither Alice or myself where strong enough to loosen the old one. A friend is coming over today to help us fix it. Sometimes you just need a man!

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be rich? It just seems life would be easier. I have heard of a lot of rich people that were very unhappy so I guess you just have to make your own  happiness.
 

Been Sick

I'm just getting over being sick for the last week. At least I didn't get sick until after I spent time with my friend from out of town. We really had a good time. We were celebrating her birthday. She is so hard to buy a birthday gift for, Did you ever know someone that has everything?!?!

Things seem to be going OK. It's just that after being sick for a week you really get behind on housework and the like. I guess you just tackle things one day at a time.

I have therapy tomorrow and I am not looking forward to the session. We are working on my nightmares from my PTSD. It just rough going over some of the stuff. I am told that is the only way to get better so I guess it's worth the work. Anyone that thinks therapy is easy has never been through it! Not much else going on. See you later.

Angels Among Us

I truley believe there are angels among us. Today we received snow. We were out of basic supplies. We received a call from a friend asking if there was anything she could get us. We said no because we thought we could do it by ourselves. We went and picked up about 5 bags of groceries. We had help loading the car and thought we could get it in the house by ourselves. Our driveway is very steep and was snow covered. As we were struggling to put the groceries in a wheelchair to get up the ramp to the house we were slipping and sliding all over the place. Both Alice and myself have very limited mobility. A kind person drove by and saw we were struggling and they brought the groceries in the house for us. When they had finished that the cleared our ramp from snow. God does send His angles to help those in need.

Out And A Bought

I was up most of the night with Alice so I didn't go to church this morning. Alice was in a lot of pain and  could not sleep. She better today after sleeping in. I just hate it she has so much pain.

My therapist told me of a program I am going to apply for. It is set up for people with some type of disabilities and it sounds like it would be great. They have special exercise equipment, water aerobic, as well as crafts. It very inexpensive and would give me a chance to get out of the house. I am really excited  about the program.

My friend from out of town is coming in this weekend and we are planning to get together. It's her birthday and we always have a good time together. I just think getting out and a bought will do me good.

This And That

Spent a few hours in ER early this morning with Alice. Seems she was having severe back spasms. I'm am really tired but am glad she is okay.

Yesterday was a very busy day. We had so much to do. I saw my psychiatrist who explained that I am a brittle bi polar. This helps explain my struggles for the past few weeks. He  explained that the chemicals in my brain causes the symptoms and assured me it was nothing to be ashamed about. I feel so weak at times and feel I should be stronger.  I just expect so much of myself.

I took my car in for a much needed oil change and the found some problems going on with the car.. Seems like that car is just causing a lot of problems recently. I guess that can be expected of an older car.

I found out yesterday my brother's house burned to the ground. They lost  their dogs and cats in the fire. They were very lucky to get out. It was a total lost but they where insured. Their car also blew up.  I am just so thankful they are okay. It just make you realize how much we have to be thankful for.

We went to church Sunday and it was good to be there. The pastor was out of town moving his mother to Tulsa. I guess that means they are here to stay a while.

It's Valentines day and we are planing a quiet day, I am not sure what's for dinner yet but I'm sure it will be simple.

OK

Just a short note to let everyone know I'm OK. I have been going through a real hard time but I will over come. I hope to check in on everyone soon. Love you guys.

January Is Hard

Every since I lost Chris in January it has been a hard month for me. I have awful dreams about his death and cry a lot. This has also been a tough month financially. Auto repairs have been eating my lunch. I know I have dropped off the grid so I wanted to let everyone know I am still OK. It has just been really hard to blog.

Happy New Year

May you have happiness, peace, joy, love, and health for 2013!

Destruction to Glory

2012 was a year bent on destruction of my family. God had other plans. In the Spring I was rushed to the hospital with chest pain and shortness of breath. My heart was in a rapid, unstable rhythm. They say I was "lucky" to have come in to the hospital.

Alice back continued to deteriorate. She was placed on a 5lb weight lifting restriction and told she could not fall again. Our church hear this and built a ramp to allow her access to and from the house.

Alice fell and was paralyzed from her waist down. She had emergency surgery and was given a 20% chance of walking again. Many prayers went up and she can walk with her walker today. 

I almost died from a rare post op complication. As I was taken to the hospital I kept saying I just need to rest. I am glad someone made me go to the hospital.

It's Cold Outside

 It's cold outside! We saw our first snow flakes today but none stayed on the ground. The wind chill is now down in the teens. Tonight we will have actual temperatures in the teens and wind chills in the single digits.  It's just better to stay in as much as possible. I still need to take down the Christmas decorations. I guess I have to New Years Day. Nothing much is going on. Just a short note to let everyone know I'm okay.

Merry Christmas!

 WISHING ALL MY FRIENDS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS! LOVE AS IF THERE IS NO TOMORROW.

The Heart Of Christma

Despite a disappointing weekend of  "no shows" I feel a peace within my spirit. There has been a lot of pain this holiday season, but goodness out weighs the bad in the world. Most people show the heart of Christmas which can best be described as love. When we look for the meaning of Christmas we can see it in the hearts of those that give of them self. Jesus was a gift of love and we need to be filled with that spirit. MERRY CHRISTMAS to all my friends and may the love of Christmas fill your hearts!

Excited!

I'm so excited. My brother said he was coming down this weekend from Indy. I haven't seen him since Chris' memorial service. I have so much to do! I'm like a little kid.