Frozen by Depression & Fear

Doing the simplest things are becoming almost impossible for me to do. I'm so depressed I get a panic attack just going into the next room. I'm having flashbacks really bad. I see my doctor and therapist both on Thursday. I put a call in to my doctor today because the attacks and flashbacks where so bad,but I did not get a call back. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm sorry I haven't been around to many blogs.

Looking For Information

I'm on permanent disability and my Medicare goes into effect December 1, 2008. I am on a lot of expensive medications. I in fact I will reach the " doughnut hole" the first month I am on Medicare. The major problem is my monthly medications cost more than my disability check. I am told I make to much money to get state assistance. Has anyone else ran into this type of problem or know of any type of programs to help?

Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.

New Therapist

I finally got in to see my new therapist today. I have already had to make a contract with her not to quit if things become uncomfortable, because she would back off and work on some thing else for a while. Just from the basic interview questions she said we had a "plate full" to work on. She had to work me in on a lunch hour next time to get me in as soon as she wanted to see me back, and that impressed me. I booked up with her ever two weeks through October now. I did tell her about the flash backs and the lost block of time and they were not related to drinking in any way. She seemed interested. Maybe this is going to work. I told her I really needed some extra support right now and she agreed. I am hopeful this is the right step. I am trying to work on my problems,so that can't be all bad.

Questions about Birthdays

Why are birthday so hard if you have been abused? My oldest child and I share the same birthday tomorrow and I can not get excited about it. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach a lot of bad memories. Having my child on my birthday was a wonderful memory. At the time I did not know I was married to a pedophile. It was much later that I found out I had married my worst nightmare.( He is now serving 50 years in prison and was my X at the time we found out.) I have hear others say that their birthdays are hard. Is it because we were not wanted? Is it remembering bad days on our birthdays? Is it just the lack of love we felt? Does anyone know what makes birthdays so bad?

My Sister

My sister isn't going to get to come and visit because she got some bad news on her medical report. My sister is 4 years younger than I am and has some serious health issues. She just found out she has 4th stage renal disease. She is getting set up with a specialist to see what type of treatment plan she will need to be on and the prognosis. She is so young to be so sick. My sister has always been my memory to my past. She lived with my Grandmother instead of my Mom and Step dad. All of us kids have some kind of problems from our past. It just seems unfair that health has to be another problem. Please pray that the renal disease is still treatable. This could be very very serious.