Happy For My Daughter

I just received a call from my daughter that her ultra sound report show a fully intact uterus. There have been many questions and abnormalities with her body. The such joy in her voice has just made me cry with joy. Alice can have some peace and when your child is happy you can not be anything but happy. I just had to blog some good news!

Good VS Evil

Sometimes it feels like we are in a fight for our very lives. The good seems to be out weighed by the evil. I've seen so much brokenness and pain. I wonder when the pain will end. My mind is in a constant battle these days. I cry out to God, but I don't seem to find the answers. He has assured me my Son is in heaven, but my pain goes on. I have seen the evilness of child abuse. The lasting scares it causes. I have felt these things first hand and I know what it does to your mind. My mind is in so much turmoil. I'm trying so hard to find rest a peace. A comfort from all the bad things that have happened. I just don't understand. I must not give up. I must hold on to what hope I can. Evil must not win.

Rheumatology

I saw my rheumatology doctor today and they had to put me back on some of my autoimmune medicine. This might explain some of my exhaustion. I just hate taking another drug. If it works I guess it will be worth it. I also had both of my knees and right shoulder injected. That usually helps the pain for a while. The SPCA is showing some of the dogs and cats tonight at a horse show, so I'm helping.

Lack Of Sleep

It was after 5 Am when I finally dozed off last night. I have been having trouble for several days and I know that is why my mood hasn't been in the best place. I'm forcing myself to do somethings around the house this morning. The exhaustion is getting to me. I think such crazy, self destructive thoughts when I am so sleep deprived. I don't think my medicine is working at all. I guess I'll try to get that across to my doctor when I see her on Wednesday. I been telling her for weeks I didn't think they are working. I don't know what to do to get the point across! Try, try again. I guess I need to find something productive to do. I talk to you all later.

6 Months

Six months ago Chris died early morning in ICU. I spent most of the day today at the SPCA so I would not dwell on his death. I'm still having a very difficult time and crying a lot. I miss him so much. The pain is as real today as it was 6 months ago. Everyone keeps telling things will get better in time, but I'll never completely get over the loss. He was a wonderful young man. It just seems so unfair that he was taken before he could experience so many things in his life. Nobody ever said life was fair. I just want to tell Chris how much I love you. You will always hold a very special place in my heart.

Survived

Physical and sexual childhood abuse. Survived
Abusive and unfaithful husband. Survived
Severely mentally ill daughter. Surviving
My own mental illness. Surviving
My youngest son's death. Surviving.

Is there more to life than just surviving? I can't give up. It's not my nature. I am a good person, who a lot of bad things has happened to. I am healing so slowly. Sometimes I wonder what is the grand plan. Day by day is all I can do. To accomplish small tasks. Some days getting out of bed is rough. I want to believe I'll be better someday. Until that time I will continue to love others and give what I can to help others through their own difficult times.

Drained

I am totally drained today . I've tried to do a few things, but I keep having to rest. Emotionally I feel just as empty. I see the therapist tomorrow, but I'm not sure if it is helping or not. I am going to lay back done and try to get some strength.

Pastor Prayed With Me Today

I went to churcch today and cried the entire service. Those of you that have been keeping up with my posts know my head has not been in the best place. After service I went front for prayer. I hurt so bad I sometimes I don't think I'll make it. It's such a dark place in my mind. I have to believe. What else is there? I'm so tired. Each day is a struggle. I don't even know what I feel. I just need hope that it will not always be like this. God don't let go of me.

Back in Town

Well I'm back in town today. I stayed a few extra days because I was in such bad shape. I'm feeling a little better but still in a very touch and go situation. My coping skills right now are pretty well shot. I'll be keeping in close contact with my therapist and doctor. At least I have enough sense right now to call for help instead of taking too many medicine. I really appreciate all your support. You guys are the greatest!

Couple of Days

I going to spend I going to spend a couple of days with a friend. I think I need to get away from here for awhile. She such a good friend it always helps me to be around her. Besides I'm afraid to be alone.

They Wanted to Admit Me Today

They wanted to admit me today,but I agreed to check in with my therapist on a daily bases for right now. What I did last night was very dangerous. She was very reluctant to do this, but I promised her I would keep safe. She had me pick up a book When Bad Things Happen To Good People. If things continue I am to go to the hospital. She wants me to keep an anger chart daily and I see her again on Wednesday. I'm going to start reading the book as soon as I'm off line. Your comments and prayers are appreciated. Right now I need all the help I can get. It seems by bipolar depression is really messing with my grief.

Took Too Much Medicine

Poison Control says I took too much Clonazepam tonight.They want me to get someone to set with me or go to the hospital. Neither one of those things are an option. They are going to check on me in an hour or so to see how I'm doing. I don't want to end back back in the mental hospital again since I just got out in May. I see my the therapist tomorrow at 10:00 AM. The anxiety and the stress are getting more than I can bear. My faith is so severely shaken I don't know where to turn. I see God working miracles in others peoples lives, but I just can't feel Him. He seems to have abandoned me. I'm not feeling any of the side effects from taking too many pills, so I think everything will be okay. I feel many people have given up on me and feel I'm a lost cause. Can someone give me hope that things will get better? I so need to believe I can feel better.Years of abuse has messed me up so bad. Then losing Chris was just too much. I may have started therapy to late in my life. I had blacked so much of the horrible things out of my life. I knew something was wrong with me, but after my "nervous break down" at 18 years old I completely blocked out the past for several years. My sister and brothers had to help verify the abuse. The memories where just to terrible to seem real. I feel only a true miracle can save me. I do believe they can happen. I guess I better wait for the call from Poison Control.

Heat Wave

It's very hot here. They have heat advisory out. We are suppose to hit a heat index of 110 degrees. To hot for my blood. I'm going to have to go out today and get some essentials. I didn't get much sleep last night. I was up til after 4 AM. I haven't cried today, which I guess is a good thing. I am very tired however. Thanks for all your love and support. I know I have been a train wreck for the past several months. My friends have made this tough time more bearable. Hugs!

Missing Chris

I'm missing Chris so badly today! I can't stop crying.

Rash Improving

My rash is improving, but I still don't feel very well. My eyes look terrible still and all of these steroids are making me sick at my stomach. It's still better than it was. I think I'm going to buy some Round Up and not mess with pulling any more weeds. I think it will be safer and cheaper in the long run. My check was slow being deposited this month. I finally get it tomorrow. Good thing I was getting down to last dimes. Thanks everyone for your concerns. I'll be glad when the itching is gone. Talk at you later.

Poison Ivy

I was pulling some weeds the other day and I guess I got into some poison ivy or something. I woke up yesterday with my eyes swollen shut and a rash on my face. I have been itching like crazy and feeling a little short of breath. So I went to the doctor this morning because my face looked like some kind of monster and there was a rash on my arms. They gave me a steroid shot which I hope will take some of the itching away. He also called in some cream and more steroids. Hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.

Hot At The SPCA

Boy was it humid and hot today when helping the SPCA. I felt sorry for the dogs being out there for 4 hours. Of course they had plenty of water and food and could go into the air conditioned van for a break. There sure were some cute ones out today. Some of these animals stories are so sad. I held a little 10 year old mixed breed named Peaches. She came in with a broken jaw and had to have her mouth wired shut for several weeks. She was such a lap dog I can't even imagine someone having broken her jaw. Then there was the 5 month old mixed breed puppy. He played so hard the first 3 hours he was wiped out by the time we left. He was sleeping so soundly he had to be picked up a carried to the van. Believe me he was a arm full. He is going to be a big dog someday, but so sweet. The cats have it made because they get to stay in the air conditioned glass fronted van the entire time. There was one big gold and white cat that reminded me of my cat. I hope some of the cuties get adopted very soon.

Please Help Me

Dear God, I ask for your peace and rest because I am so weary. Weary from the sadness that has filled my heart. Therapy is good, but it is not providing the relief I need. I need a touch. I need hope and love that I can feel. I'm not sure how much longer I cam go on. Please help me.

What Is Wrong With Me?

A friend and I were suppose to meet this afternoon at my house. She is quite a bit older than I am and has difficulty walking at times. The weather here has been pouring down raining and the streets have been flooding. I called her and got her voice mail. No big deal. One hour later I called her and again got her voice mail. I waited another hour and the same thing. Now I have imagined the worst. She had fallen and could get to the phone or maybe she was dead. Why on earth would my mind go there? I got in my car an drove in this dangerous weather to her house. I looked in her garage and her car was there, but she didn't answer the door. I was debating on calling 911 when my cell phone rang. It was her. She had not felt good today and had been sleeping. She said she was sorry and didn't mean to worry me. My question is why did I assume the worst? I was terrified I would go to her house and find her dead. What is wrong with me?

A Little Bit At A Time

I went through a couple of Chris's dresser drawers today and took some stuff to Good Will. It's still very hard for me to go into his room. A little bit at a time is all I can handle. If I could grant just one wish it would be that no parent should ever have to experience the loss of a child. I guess I'm getting a little better, because I don't cry everyday. Today has been a crying day however. I miss him so much. I try to keep busy. I can actually some days remember happy times we had together. I think that is a good sign. Bad sign is some days I just want to die.

Rough Day

I'm having a rough day. Nothing seems to make much sense. I am barely functional. I didn't call my therapist because I did think it would help. I didn't even get dressed today. I've tried to eat a few bites of food today, but I just gagged when I tried. If I'm not doing any better by tomorrow I'll call her.

4 Day Holiday

I getting ready to take a 4 day holiday with my best friend. See now live out of town so I don't get to see her as often as I used to. I don't know what the plans are, but she picks me up tomorrow at noon. I'll be staying at her place until Monday and I'm sure we can find some trouble to get into. I really need this break, because I have been fighting this depression for so long. I know we are going to her daughter on the fourth for a cook out and fireworks. The change of seneriy will do me good. I let everyone know how things went when I get back home. Happy 4th of July eveeryone!

What Is The Matter With People?

A young man was shipped back to the states after giving his life in the war. Outside his funeral service there were protesters of is war with picket signs. This is a terrible thing for the family of the young man who gave his all for our country. To add to the family terrible grief is unthinkable. I believe in free speech, but this was totally out of line. Respect and honor are due this young man. Think of the family and there great loss. This young man was a hero and deserved the respect.

It's Hard

Seems like I have more than one person can handle. Daily I have to try to deal with my daughters severe mental illness. I'm still dealing with my own deep grief. My PTSD has been kicking up and keeping me awake a nights. I am very tired. All the stress has caused a flare up my ED. I know I must not give up. I must keep trying. I'm reaching out to all my friends now because I need help and encouragement. I'm so tired. I must keep going.

Triggers

Just about the time I think I may make it something triggers the fact I have lost my youngest son. I saw something driving home from the store and I started crying so hard I had to pull off the road. The pain for awhile is as great as it was in the hospital when they told me he didn't make it and they were calling the code off. Maybe everyone thinks I should be over this by now. I wonder if I ever will. I'm sorry I talk about him so much, but he takes up so much of my mind. The pain seems unbearable. It hurts so bad. I'm trying and that is all I can do.

Terrible Headache

I have had a terrible headache for the last several hours. The medicine is taking a little bit of the edge off it. I just want to let everyone know I'm okay.

A Good Time

Last night I had a good time with a friend. She took me to see a "Beatles" concert. The music was filled with good oldies. I only cried with two song that made me think of Chris. After the concert we went to T G I F for some wonderful food. I had shrimp and broccoli and peach ice tea. It was great to have a fun time break.

Out of Control

I feel my life is so out of control. I don't seem to be able to control my own thoughts. I'm trying so hard to do the "right " things, but I keep falling on my face. Therapy, medicine and even ECT don't seem to help me. Why can't I be fixed? I am basically a good, loving, and caring person. I try positive self talk. I pray. When I'm like this all I can think of is why was I ever born? Life has got to be better than this.

Where Has The Time Gone?

The last few months have been some of the roughest times I have ever been through. I am so thankful for those of you that have stood beside me and given me much needed support. I'm not sure where all the days have gone. I believe that I have some very good friends I have never met. Time continues no mater what has happened. Each day is a choice. We make the best decisions we can and find joy where we can. I am glad I found the blogging world.

Laid Chris to Rest Today

I laid Chris to rest in his finally resting place today. His Aunt was with me. I did a little better than I though I would. He was such a kind warm person. He helped me so much and his love was unconditional. Chris I want to tell you that you were one of my few joys in life. I will always remember your laugh, your hugs when I was having a rough day, and when you teased me by calling me "little Mama". Having a place to stay where I can visit as much as I want is wonderful. You where a gift form God. I'm sorry your time on earth was so short. You will be missed,but you will not be forgotten, A mother could not have asked for a more loving child. Rest in peace and in God's arm till I see you again. With all my love. Little Mama

Grief Class Graduation

Tomorrow night is "Grief Class Graduation". I feel I have failed the course with flying colors. The class had a lot to do with unresolved issues. Chris and I were very close and the biggest issue I had was that he had to die when he was only 27 years old. He was robbed of so much life. I was robbed of a very special person. I am glad I took the course because it helped me realize I was not the only one who was hurting so badly. I still cry almost everyday. Some days I cry several times in that day. I am assured he is in heaven and one day I will see him again. I worry some that I want to be with him so badly I may end up taking my own life. When you suffer from bipolar depression you are at a higher risk for suicide. My counselor told me she is at lose of words to help me, but believe me being able to vent is helpful. You have all been wonderful and encouraging to me. Thank you. I'm not giving up yet, but I am so weary. Oh, Chris I loved you so much.

Father's Day

This is definitely not my favorite day of the year. My own father left never to be seen again on my first birthday. My step father molested me from the time I was 4 years old until my early teens. He was also very physically abusive. I feared for my life more than a for more than a few times. My ex husband turned out to be a pedophile. So the word father leaves a dirty taste in my mouth. I think that is part of the reason I have trusting in my Heavenly Father. I just not sure I'll be safe. Loveing is a very strange thing. I only know that my love for my children was real and nothing could ever destroy the deep feelings. I hope many of you are having a better day than I am. I love you for all the support you give me.

You Cannot Lose My Love

Wanda, I'm posting this on your blog to ensure that you see it. While many people use this to dedicate to their children, or other loved ones, it was written as from God to us ..






Josh Petersen: "Have hope and joy today in the fact that you are not perfect. Never will be. But Jesus loves you anyways, because you are His beautiful child."


"You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you’ll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love."

I love you Wanda, my friend, my sister in christ .. my fellow Trouble and Rumblebuffin.

Scream

SCREAM!!!!!!!! I JUST CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE!!!!!OH GOD WHERE ARE YOU?

Got In Trouble

I saw my doctor today and she yelled at me for losing so much weight this month. I know I not eating right and it becoming a disorder again, but food just makes me sick. I tried to eat a few grapes awhile ago and they made me gag. I'll try again later to eat something, but I have no desire. People had been telling me how good the weight loss looked so I want to eat less. I did have one friend talk to me today about how bad I was looking. She says I have let the grief trigger my eating disorder and I headed for the hospital. I tired of being fat and I just don't care about much these days. I guess as weak as I'm becoming I had better pick up the chewable vitamins like my doctor said. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Frustrated

I'm so frustrated with the cemetery where I am going to place Chris ' ashes. I bought and paid for a double vault and mine and Chris' remains and it doesn't look like both will fit. The lady that sold me the stuff is out of town until next week and I know all I'll do is worry about it. This makes me so mad!

Peace In Dnying?

God if it is peace you find in dying please let the time be near. This been going through my head all day. I'm so tired and sad. I long for peace. My life has been filled with one bad thing after another. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger I should be super women. I love so deeply. I know I am chemically unbalanced, I just can't think right now. I have to hang on for my daughter. It's so hard. I know I'm not the only person molested as a child. I know I'm not the only person that married a pedophile. I know I'm not the only one that is bipolar. I know I'm not the only one with chronic pain. I know I'm not the only one to have lost a child. It doesn't take away the severe emotional pain I'm going through. I pray but don't seem to get the results others do when they pray. Would it be wrong to take my own life? Would that damn me to hell? Would I never be able to see my beloved son if I did this? I love God and people. What is wrong with me? Maybe calling someone would help. I'm sorry I have been so weak and needy. Please help hold me up. There has got to be an answer out there somewhere. I'm calling someone to help me make it through the night until I talk to my therapist tomorrow.

Sleep

I have taken my night time medicine and am ready to sleep. I know I u se sleep too often to easy my pain and depression. I wonder if that is what real peace is like. For awhile I do not cry. Even if some nights I cry myself to sleep. I wonder why some brains don't have the right chemical to prevent depression. I have so many questions and so few answers. I thank each and everyone of my friends for their support. How can a heart be so full of love and compassion for others, but hate ones self. I see joy in other people and long for that for myself. I have been this way for so long I wonder if my only hope is in the after life. I'm tired now so I think I will sleep. I don't know what I would do without all the kindness and encouragement you all give me. Thank you so much.

So Weak

I'm so weak today. I have fallen once. I'm not eating much, but I think I did better than yesterday. I am exhausted mentally and physically. I wondering if I'm over medicated. I cut back my night time medication. I can't stay awake. I am really hurting all over. I don't trust doctors too much, but if I not feeling better by tomorrow I think I'm going to call somebody to take me in. I'm not such how much my emotions have to do with this, but it has been a long time since I have felt so bad.

Not Feeeling Well

I'm not feeling well today. I'm hurting all over and a bit more depressed that usual. I have been sleeping a lot today and am very weak. You have been a life savor for me. Thanks again for all your love and support.

My Daughter

My daughter is doing a little better. They have up her antidepressant. She is getting treatment and this is a good thing. I love her so much. I can't say increasing my antidepressant has help much yet. I'm holding on to a thin tread of faith that I can make it through this. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Will it Ever End?

My daughter called today to tell me she was suicidal. I cried and begged her to please get in to see some one ASAP. Admit herself to a hospital or something. As many times as I have thought of suicide I realize it is not painless. I wonder if there can be happiness in this world. I just don't know. Why is life so painful? Is it possible to have joy? My doctor upped my antidepressant yesterday. We will see if that helps. There has got to be more to life than this.

Grief Class

To night in my grief class I read my letter to Chris. It was the hardest thing I have had to do so far in this class. I was in tears most of the time, but I got it done. The leader of the group said he was beginning to see some light behind my eyes that wasn't there 8 weeks ago when I started the class. I was told the letter was beautiful by more than one person. I still don't have that instant relieve from writing the letter, but I am glad I have stuck the class out. Chris will always be a big part of my life. He was a beautiful gift from God who I will always treasure.

SPCA

A friend drug me out of my house to volunteer to work at an adoption center for the SPCA. There where so many cute cats and dogs it hard to believe they where just "throw away" animals. I am totally amazed at how cruel humans can be. Each animal seemed to have it own sweet personality. I think it did me good to get out of the house for awhile. I've signed up to help again.

Terrible Times

I am really struggling right now. I can't sleep because of the horrible nightmares. My past is in my face all night and the terrible hole in my heart from missing my son in the day time. I am feeling weak and like I'm not going to make it. I'm having physical symptoms form the sexual abuse. I'm just curling up in a ball at night with the pain. I have no relieve in the day because all I can do is think of Chris. God has got to help me or I'm going to loose my mind. The two worst things in my life are haunting me and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I am so tormented. I need some peace.

Severe Weather

We have been having a lot of severe weather the last several day. Trees and power lines down. Some property damage, etc. I have been lucky with no real problems except having to set in the storm shelter for hours upon time. Today is absolutely beautiful. The sun is shinning and it is warm with a nice breeze. I am very glad our neighborhood wasn't hit too bad, because I live in a mobile home. I am hoping to spend a nice weekend with a friend. Hopefully that will get my mind off things for a while. Hope everyone has a great weekend. See you around.

Angry

My therapist tells me I am angry about my son death and this is part of the grieving process. I guess she is right. So much was left yet to do. At 27 years old he was just beginning to live. His anxiety disorder was starting to improve. When I think about it I realize that I am angry at the hospital. I do not feel he got the care he needed. I am angry at the doctors. They did not keep me informed. I do not believe they were as aggressive with his treatment as the should have been. My therapist believe I am angry at God. I believe in a God that heal the sick. Why didn't You heal Chris? Why did You let him die? Time and admitting my feelings will help me get through the grieving process. I'm taking a grieving class to help me deal with all these emotions. I still believe in God, but my faith has been shaken.

God Gives Us More Strength

I am so thankful that God gives us more strength as life demands more of us. Being bipolar adds extra demands to your life. Sometimes I wonder if more than I can handle has been given to me. I am still in deep morning for my beloved son Chris. I am being seen weekly by my therapist. It's hard for me to say if this is helping because I'm not sure what is "normal". I still cry everyday. My best friend is in town for the next couple of days and we are doing somethings together. I really appreciate all the support I have been given by my on line friends. Words of encouragement can really brighten the day. Thank you for your support.

Smiling

Today I have actually been smiling some. I laughed out loud once today. I had forgotten how good it feels. I remembered Chris and good memories came to my mind. Do I still wish he was alive? Of course, but I can remember some of the good times we had together. Love is such a strong force. I'm not saying I'm done crying for him, but it is at least not all tears. I want to thank all the encouragement everyone has given me. Without the support of my friends I would have never made it. Thank You!

Bit Teary Eyed Today

Seems that I'm really having trouble today. Every time I turn around I'm crying. The house is dead quite. I know I shouldn't do it, but some times I just set in his room and cry. Why did God have to take him? He is in Heaven safe I know . I'm meeting a friend in a little bit to go see a movie. I can't even remember what we are going to see. I'm trying to keep busy so I just don't set around and think.

Doing Better

I'm doing a little better today. I'm sill pretty consumed with grief, but I think it takes a long time to morn the loss of your child. I am able to catch up on some things that got behind. Some days just being is this house does a trip on my mind. Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't know how I'll do. I will talk to my daughter . If people are disappointed in me they will just have to get over it because I am doing the best I can.

Help With Paying for Treatments

The place I get my treatments and therapy is helping with my cost of the treatments. I believe things are a little better. I can smile every once in a while. I was crying all the time before they started the treatments. I don't know if it is a side effect of the treatment to have no appetite. I'm losing weight, which is a good thing. I'm having trouble finding my way around town, which is a side effect of the treatments.

Lasts ECT Treatment

I took my last ECT treatment. I guess I'm glad that is over. I believe they have helped the depression some. Makes you wonder exactly how it works. I really need to clean house today. You are so forgetful after those treatments . Chronic depression is really the pits. This has been a terrible year. If it weren't for my friends I don't think I would have made it. Losing my Son was the worst thing I have been through in my life. God promised not to give us more than we can bear. He stands right there beside us holding us up. I would be totally crazy without God's help

God Cares

Despite all I have gone through I know God cares. He wraps His loving arms around me and holds me up. Someday I'll see Chris again. I know he is in Heaven with God. Nothing can steal that peace from me.

Treatment

I can not believe how much the ECT messes with my memory. I really hope this is doing some good. I do not see how the doctor is telling regular depression from my grief. The grief is going to hang around awhile. He is not going to be able to shock that away. My last treatment is Monday and I am glad.

Less Depressed

I'm less depressed today. I know "all thing work together for the good of them that love the Lord ." The house is so quite. I'm going to play on the computer a little bit. Then I'm going to watch some DVD's. My car door opener died when I was in the store. I guess I was lucky I could buy a new battery. Well this has just been a wacky day.

If it weren't for friends

If it weren't for friends I wouldn't be making it right now. My life has been complicated. Nothing prepared me for the lost of a Son. I'm taking a grief class. I just set and cry. Maybe it's too soon. I'm going to sell this place if I can. Yesterday I went out to dinner with a friend. That helped a little. His cat really seems to look for him. He had the cat for seven years. My daughter lives several states away from me, so I'm all alone.

ECT

I have my last treatment tomorrow. I believe I am less depressed, but I still cry everyday for Chris. I believe he is in Heaven, so my heart should be glad for him. I'm jealous! I want to be with him, but every time I pray, God says "Not yet". I'm still not sure why his life was cut so short. I have Grief Class tonight. I hope I can find the class. My memory isn't as good since starting the ECT.

Someday We Will Know

Someday in heaven all of life's trials will seem small. We will be reunited with those that have gone on before us. I know Chris is in heaven and I'm going to see him again. It seems like my life has more than it share of troubles, but I know Jesus loves me. It's going to be worth it someday.

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

No More Than We Can Bear

God promises not to give us more than we can bear. I believe that, but am really struggling today. Someday I have so many questions for God. It worries me that I have no desire to live. I'm not going to do anything active to end my life, but it worries me that I find no pleasures. Tomorrow will be better. I have to believe that!

ECT

I had an ECT treatment today and am really foggy from the anesthesia. My friend from church drove me home and nothing even looked familiar. I hoping these treatments help my bipolar. The treatment did nothing for my extreme sadness. I am beginning to think nothing will help what I am feeling. I just picture Chris in heaven and that is the only thing that keeps me going. I know time will make it better. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Hurting So Badly

I'm hurting so badly, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I can not even begin to express the pain I feel from having lost Chris. Everything is a reminder. His room, his clothes, missing his laugh, and even missing when he was upset. I loved him so much. I've been through a lot in my life, but a love for a child is one of the greatest loves there is. I have to believe he is with Jesus and happy. Oh, the hole in my life. He was getting better over his anxiety disorder. He actually socialized a little. He was so smart. The world will be a less of a place without him. I wish I could understand why he was taken. Oh God why was his life cut so short? Why? I don't think the hole in my heart can be filled. I loved you so much Chris!

Been in the Hospital

I've been in the hospital. Been receiving elector shock treatments. I think it has been helping. I go back Friday for another treatment. They did some medication adjustment also. I think I'm feeling a little better.Stepping in the house was like stepping in a tomb. I MISS CHRIS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! OH WHY WAS HE TAKEN???????? I hope you knew how much I loved you,Chris. I know you are in God's arms.

NOT DOING WELL!

On top of every thing else I'm not sleeping. I am getting really cranky. I don't know if my meds are messed up or if I have been under to much stress. I really feel like I am losing my mind. I want to hurt my self. I parked in ER for a hour last night thinking about going in and yelling at them that they killed my son. I keep wondering if they had admitted him the first time (2 days earlier) and started his treatment sooner,if he would have lived. I just can not get that out of my mind. I've left a message for my therapist to please call me back, but I don't think she got the message. NOT DOING WELL!

Headaches

I have been having severe headaches with numbness to the side of my face,slurred speech, and blurred vision. I am afraid to drive while having the headaches. I used to have migraine headaches, but those have been a lot better for some time. I don't want to be told I am just "stressed". I am going to try to set up an appointment Monday to be seen.

Can This Day Get Any Worst?

If one more bad "small" thing happens I think I'm going to loose it!

Jury Duty

Chris got a summons to serve jury duty today,Doesn't the government branches even talk to each other?????? I will try to take care of that tomorrow. I am really starting to fall apart with the hospital bills ,etc starting to come in. It feels like the wound is as fresh as it was several weeks ago. I tried to read my grief recovery book and just couldn't do it. Seem every time I take a step forward something happens to open up the wounds.

Don't Trust Myself

I just saw my therapist and I don't trust myself at all. She wants me to check in with her daily. She says my bipolar and the grief is making it very hard to tell what is going on. I'm making mistakes and took 4 of my sons sleeping pills instead of 4 of my anxiety pills. We took the same sleeper, but he took 100 mg vs my 25 mg. So I ended up taking 400 mg instead of my 25 mg. I sleep 20 hours. Before making that mistake I tried to take apart a disposable razor to cut with and I couldn't get it apart. I was so frustrated. I know I'm am in need of some serious help. Saturday I did not know the day of the week, because I hadn't slept in days. Why would God make someone like me?

Different Menu

Last year,ham, sweet potatoes, colored Easter eggs ,and of course 4 chocolate bunnies. This year a McDonald's sandwich and maybe a chocolate egg for one. You see my daughter and boyfriend moved out of state last July .I miss my kids so much! I actually forgot tomorrow was Sunday. At least I can call Alice and tell her how much I love her. Never forget to let them know how much you love them! They are the greatest gift we have.

I'm Manic

What poor timing to be manic. This is not one of my happy manic times. I'm just rattling off like a chatter box to who ever will listen to me. I almost spent my lot rate rental money. I'm not sleeping so I had better call the doctor in the morning. I sick of being bipolar. Well I guess that's life.

Spring & Easter is Around The Corner

Class

Last night was an introduction class. It is going to be a 2 hour class one night a week for 12 weeks. We will have homework. Already some stories have made me feel better.Not what I should feel, but what I feel is what I feel.

1. ''People have told me he is happy now ,so I should be happy for him." Yes I believe he is in heaven and am happy.YES I'M AM HAPPY FOR HIM,BUT I'M NOT HAPPY FOR ME!!!! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!
2. ''He had problems and now is free of them. HE WAS GETTING BETTER AND I HAD HOPE HE COULD OVER COME THOSE PROBLEMS.
3. " You got to get on with your life" SOME TIMES I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
4. THIS CLASS IS GOING TO BE HARD WORK BUT ONLY I CAN DO IT.
5. Even Jesus wept over a death of a friend.
   

I Hurt But It's Spring

I am hurting all over today. Maybe it's the lupus. I'm tired and weary. Maybe it's just the constant sadness. I see my doctor for my joint injections tomorrow and also start my grief class. I can hardly reach my hand above my head to wash my hair.Lying down even hurts. Complaining isn't make it better. I think I have some flowers coming up.I like flowers even though I don't have a green thumb. I hear kids playing out doors, a true sign of spring.

Why Do Insurance Companies Have So Much Power?

It's a shame when an insurance companies can have so much power that they can decline life needed treatment.

30 Lbs

30 lbs can really make a difference on how your clothes fit. I hand to get some underwear because it was always in the wrong spot. I also go a pair of pants to. You can only wear sweats so long. Well I was finally able to take a very small bag of my son's clothes to Good Will. That was very hard and it was just a little WalMart bag. I don't know what the rest of the plans for the day are yet . We will have to see.

I'm Not Making It

I'm not making it. It took me three stores to pick up some cat liter and cat food. I now have two cats that I did not want. One is my daughter's who moved out of state 6 months before my son died and the other cat was his. Anyway I pasted by the men department store and had to leave crying. I next tried Chris' favorite store (it was never busy) and I couldn't even make it through the door. Finally I was able at some dollar store to get the supplies. May be it's because I ate too much. I am so sick at my stomach and discussed with myself.

Some Days

Some days I feel nothing. A cold empty house. Not even a glimmer of hope I will ever feel better. Today is that day. Tears are in vain. I can't even ask for help. I'll try to sleep.

Saw My Therapist Today

Saw my therapist today and she ask me how much weight I had lost. I told her I didn't know even thought I'm weighing 2-3 times per day. Right now I feel I don't have control of much in my life, so I might as well control what I eat. Besides I don't know if you eat in heaven and I feel guilty eating without Chris.
I also got a call from my ex-husband's sister wanting to meet for lunch. That was very strange since I haven't seen her in years. It went okay. Strange but okay. For those of you that don't know I picked a real bad one. He is serving 50 years for being a pedophile. After being molested myself you would have thought I would have seen the signs, but I didn't. Thank God we were all ready divorced when he went to trial.
I keep making it through may things. I'm not giving up yet.

Fake It

I used to make it through a lot of things by faking it. Maybe "fake it to you make it" is key. Today I could barely get out of bed. A lot of 3-D people think I'm fine. I'll get better because I'm a fighter. I don't think I'll ever be fine again.

What's Up With The Weather?

Yesterday it was a wonderful spring day in the upper 60's. Today we have 6-7 inches of snow! It's cold out there!

Slept Too Long

I was exhausted and could not get to sleep so I took a sleeper. I slept way too long! Almost 12 hours. That means tonight is really going to be messed up. Oh well. We will just have to see what happens tonight.

Going Through The Motions

Right now I am just going through the motions of being alive. I'm going to start a grief class on the 30th. It lasts for 12 weeks. Maybe that will help. Life seems so worthless right now. I don't enjoy anything. I keep blogging to get rid of these negative emotions. I scared myself today. I almost turned my car head on in front of a semi. I quickly thought of the diver of the semi. What had he done to deserve that. My blogging friends have really helped keep me going with their encouragement and prayers. Thank you.

I'm So Unhappy

I'm so unhappy I feel like I'm dying. I don't know if I can do this. I talked with my therapist today and I think I 'm in worst shape than ever. I just want the pain to stop.

6 Weeks

It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my son and I still cry every night. I been told that's too long. Others have told me it can take much longer. I don't know. It still seems like he just going to walk through that door again. That is never going to happen. It seems like I been through enough in my life that this just shouldn't of happened. I know bad things happen to good people. I know God still loves me. My heart is still so broken. I know you must be tired of hearing this,but it is the only thing on my mind now days. I try to do something everyday, even if it is wrong. :) Blogging helps because I know I have friends out there.

I'm Not Sure What To Say

I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how I feel. I saw my psychiatrist today. She thought my thought process was better and I was wearing makeup. She also noticed I had lost some weight. She is still very worried about me. I talked to my former pastor yesterday. He made me feel better. I'm doing simple task,but am not up to speed.

Some Days Are Better

Some days are better than others, but this is not one of the better days. I guess it because I got his death certificate today. I still can not believe he is gone. I just keep expecting to wake up and he will still be here. Please hold me up today.

Rain

It's been rainy and dreary here all day. I slept late today, because I had a bad headache. My gas tank was sucking flumes so I filled the tank. This has been a very unproductive day for me.

Tired

I'm so tired today. I haven't done that much. A little vacuuming, when to a couple of stores, changed the cat box and clean sheets on the bed. Egg rolls sounded good so I got a couple for dinner and the were so greasy I couldn't eat them. Right now diet Coke is the only thing that taste good. Well I've got a few more things to put up. I'll try to get around to a few blogs tonight.

I Miss You So Much

"the death of a child is still perhaps one of the most intense forms of grief, holding greater risk factors." Chris I hope you heard me as I rubbed your arm and sang to you. Oh Chris, I loved you so much. Even when the nurse told me to go home and let them take care of you I couldn't leave you. Even to the very last I thought you would pull through. I miss your laugh so much. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it, but I know you are looking down saying "it's alright Little Mama". I know you are in God's arms but I miss you so much. Your life was short but you touched many people on line. Just Google Chris Arthington to see all the wonderful things people had to say about him.

Better?

Everyone is telling me how much better I look and sound, yet every time my mind goes into neutral I just think about escaping this world. The next world has got to be better than this one. Maybe I just can't cry any more. That doesn't seem to be the truth. I'm crying now. Guess I'll try "happy" thoughts.

I Need to Write

Of all the pain I been through in my life losing Chris was the worst pain (and still is) I have ever felt. There is just something about losing your child that can not be put into words. We were both sick at the same time. He died and I lived. Why? I would have gladly gone in his place. He had so much more to experience in life. He had so much to offer. I appreciate everybody support. Your comments were a comfort to me. I have to believe he is with God now. It's the only thing that keeps me going.

Thank You

Thank you for your support and prayers through this difficult time. Wanda

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory Of My Dear Son

updating

Hi, this is Peggikaye again. (Dreaming Again from the blog Pearls and Dreams).

I spoke with Wanda yesterday, the funeral for her son is tomorrow at 2. (central time) please keep her in your prayers, particularly during this time.

I'll get there, but just in time for the funeral, I won't be able to see her before, but will be there for her after the funeral.

The funeral is being performed at her church, by our former pastor, Randy Scott.

Please Pray

This is Wanda's friend, Peggikaye. She just called me to tell me that her son, Chris, passed away today.
He'd gotten a cold, then it went to pneumonia and then septicemia (sp?). He coded today and didn't make it.

She's going to let me know the details of his funeral. I'll post more when I know more if she doesn't have the chance or feel up to posting.

Update

I'm sorry I haven't felt like blogging. My doctor wanted to admit me today, but she giving the medication a few more days to kick in. It took every bit of strength I had to go to my psychiatrist. I am really not doing well. Thank you so much for checking in on me. I know I will cycle through this, but it is so hard.

One Hour at aTime

Sometimes one day at a time is more than we can handle. Right now it is one hour at a time. I have to tell myself I can do this with God's help one hour at a time. I really don't know why I am struggling so much right now, but I am. I have to make myself get out of bed and take care of the basics. I do believe it will get better. It is even hard to breath right now. I'm leaning on my faith and friends on line right now. I am hoping for a better tomorrow. With God all things are possible.

Pain

Curled up in a fetal position
Riveted with pain
Overwhelmed with guilt
Covered with shame
Crying for help
Afraid to move
So sick inside
When will it stop
If I'm really still
Maybe he will go away

Feeling Lost

I'm feeling a little lost the last few days. I do so want this new year to be better than last year. I am obsessed with food issues. The purging is not working so now I am trying restricting. The holidays are a bad time for food. I hate this, but it is all I can think about. My therapist is on a leave of absence right now. There are just to many ads on TV about losing weight. I know I need to lose weight. I just hate being obsessed.