Having Trouble Today

I am having emotional trouble today. I can not stop thinking of Chris. I tried reading some blogs and they are about Mother's Day.  This has always been a difficult day for me, but now that I have lost my youngest child it is almost unbearable. My thoughts are dark and scary. I might email my therapist because I don't really trust myself.

I celebrate Alice and my love for her. It is what is keeping me going, She says a card is in the mail and that will mean the world to me. Why does this have to be so hard? Holding on for dear life.

Unexpected Love

I received an unexpected gift today for a young lady from the church. It was angel touching a little boy's head. She said it was angles watching over Chris. Yes I cried. I set the angle by karate pictures of Chris' and  I .

Being a mother is God's greatest gift. My most precious memories are of my children.  I love you Alice and Chris.

Few Good Things.

Today I am thankful that a few good things happened today.

• I got to spend the afternoon with my good friend Y

• I found out I can get 4 of my prescriptions  for free by using the mail order company through my insurance company.

• The house showed today.

My nerves are still shot, but I want to remember to be thankful for the good things each day. I am still very concerned about Alice.  I cried like a baby when the couple that looked at the house ask if my son had gone off to college. I told them that I had lost him very unexpectedly to an illness. I spent the next hour crying and looking at his pictures after they had left.

Friendly Encouragement

I meet a friend yesterday and we had a cup of tea together. It was a nice time to talk, We talked about everything. We hadn't seen each other in a while. It was encouraging and uplifting, We talked about the possibility of me going back to school. Yes at my "old age". So many things are up in the air that I'm not sure. It was an interesting thought. It might give me some understanding in to myself if I took some physiology classes.

Today has been a little rough. I went through some of Chris'  stuff and took another bag to Good Will.  I then went to see him. I still cry like a baby. I needed to do it because if Alice does move back I would need the space. I still am so stressed and depressed. I didn't sleep at all last night which is no good. I guess thing will eventually get better even if the track record is bad.

I'm so thankful for all the encouragement that is given to me by my blogging friends.

Wish I Could Go To Sleep And Never Wake Up

I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I am so tired of all the sadness and stress. I just tired of being so unhappy. I see my therapist today which is probably a good thing. She says she is the eternal optimist and feel things will get better for me. This song keeps running through my head. Hopefully I feel better soon.

Mental Health Awareness Month

 May  is Mental Health Awareness Month 

There a several types of mental illness. I will give a little information about a few of them.

If left untreated, bipolar disorder can be particularly dangerous. From 15 to 17 percent of untreated cases end in suicide (compared to about 10 percent of untreated major depression sufferers).

One of the most challenging mental disorders to identify accurately and treat appropriately is schizoaffective disorder. This condition involves both psychotic symptoms and conspicuous, long-enduring, severe symptoms of mood disorder. The cluster of symptoms experienced by persons with schizoaffective disorder can resemble—at various times in its course—bipolar disorder, major depressive episode with psychotic features, or schizophrenia.

Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear related to being in situations from which escape might be difficult or embarrassing (i.e., being on a bus or train), or in which help might not be available in the event of a panic attack or panic symptoms. Panic is defined as extreme and unreasonable fear and anxiety.

People with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people they were once close to. They may experience sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled. More about Signs & Symptoms »

Depression is a serious biologic disease that affects millions of people each year. The encouraging news is that it may be successfully treated. 

Eating disorders refer to a group of conditions defined by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual's physical and mental health.

I have just listed illness that have personally effected members of my own family.

No More Than You Can Bear.

The Bible say God won't give you more than you can bear. I am not sure how much more I can take. Alice really needs my help right now and I feel so helpless in what I can do. Money is so tight. I'm begging God to show me what to do. We are on such a short dead line is the major problem.

On top of everything else I got some very concerning health new for myself. I'm trying not to worry or bury my head in the sand, but I am literally stressed out of my mind. I keep trying, but the harder I try the worst things get. Oh God I really need some help from You now. Please please help me.

Long Term Effects Of Childhood Sexual Abuse

May be triggering!

"The effects of child sexual abuse include depression,^[5] post-traumatic stress disorder,^[6] anxiety,^[7] propensity to further victimization in adulthood,^[8] and physical injury to the child, among other problems.^[9] Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest.[1"

Sometimes I wonder why I can not get over the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I was molested at home from the ages of 4-16. It still seem to effect my thinking on a daily bases. I was also re-victimized several times  as an adult. I sometimes wonder why I am on this earth. I read blogs of healing but I still seem stuck in the healing process. I still blame myself for what happened.  I constantly think of self harm. Without really trying to change how I think my mind immediately goes to the negative thinking. Above are some links that are helpful understanding myself. Deep down I know I am a good person, but the negative loop in my brain makes me feel useless.

Storm Damage

We have been having a lot of storms with rain, wind, and hail. Unfortunately it has caused some damage to my roof. I had someone out to look at it today and give me a price quote. He says he can fix it tomorrow if it is not raining again. Lucky where the damage is it should not leak per the repair man.I think they are forecasting rain again for tonight and tomorrow. UGH! This is all I needed at this time since I just fixed the brakes on my car.

I can not seem to catch up. Every time I think I'm going to get a chance to catch up there is something else goes wrong. I guess if it weren't for bad luck I have no luck at all. I just want to have a little fun every once and  awhile!

Do We Need An Ark?

It has been raining for days now. I'm beginning to wonder if we need an ark. We are under a flood warning and the streets are covered in standing water. I guess this is a good time to be sick, because there is not much point in trying to get out. I am finally starting to feel a little better. I've been on antibiotics since Friday. I'm still coughing , but no fever. I'm not wheezing as much either. I find that the slightest thing exhausts me, so I'm trying to take it easy. Hopefully this to shall pass.

Sunday Sketches

Thinking Angle Oil

I hope everyone is having a happy Easter. I'm still sick so I'm in for the day. Hopefully this congestion and cough will get better with the antibiotics and steroids. My asthma is also kicking up so I am having to do breathing treatments. I going to have a good day in spite of being sick!

Happy Easter

For me this song bring hope. Happy Easter!

Sick All Week

I can't believe it's Thursday. I have been sick all week and just not getting any better. I finally broke down and made an appointment to see my PCP tomorrow. I know I'll have to fight the insurance company again and I just don't have it in me. All I feel like doing is sleeping and that hard to do because I am so congested. Just letting everyone know I'm still alive. A short a sweet post. I have got to be better by next week. My sister-in-law is having surgery and I need to take her. I exhausted now.

A Friend in Need

One of my friends just found out today her husband has cancer. They know it is on the liver, abdominal wall, and intestines.  They were doing gall bladder surgery when they found it. They believe it started from the pancreas, but will have to do a CAT scan to see what all is involved. The prognosis is poor. My heart is breaking for her.

Another friend just lost her husband to cancer a few months ago.I don't know what to say to my friend. We haven't know each other long, but she is a very kind person.

Every time I hear some bad news like this it takes me back to the night I lost Chris. I don't think anything can prepare you for this. Maybe he will respond to the treatment. I know how much I needed others, but I am still so raw, I'm not sure I could I would be much help. I have lost so much faith in the medical system.  

Sunday Sketches

I have been working on faces recently. I just can't decide what I like to draw most. Anyway it fun to draw and helps me forget my worries for awhile. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Sweet Saturday

Sweet Easter Bunny With Chocolate For All The Good Girls And Boys!

Rain, Hail, And Winds, Oh My!

We just got out of a tornado warning. I believe Oklahoma had 6 reported tornadoes. One flew by closer than I like to think of. We were very lucky. I don't believe they touched down. I just spent an hour in the community center  tornado shelter. It was packed with people from our mobile home park. Places had golf ball sized hail and wind gust up to 60 miles per hour. There is now thunder storms with lightening. The hail would be enough to knock you out. I assume since we were under a tornado warning my grief class was canceled. I miss that class since it only meets once a month. Since things have calmed down I going to try to relax a little before bed time.

Can't Do What I Used To Do

 I was trying to move a small pile of rotting lumber yesterday and I fell. The bad part was I couldn't get up until I crawled to something to grab a hold of to pull myself up. Since I had my knee surgery I have trouble getting off the floor or the ground. I was so embarrassed, but nobody saw me.I keep thinking I can do everything I used to do, but the simple fact is I can not!

I am sore today and really can tell I over did it yesterday. Today I had to pay bills and grocery shop. I really proud of myself because I fixed the broken flapper on the toilet. Yes I am not totally helpless. It was really easy and cheap to fix. Yeah! I need to paint the back porch, but that another day. Not today anyway. :)

I about fell over with shock when I filled my gas tank. Wow the price just keeps going up. My grocery bill was also higher today. Seems the only break I got was the gas bill went down. I know next month the electric will go up because it is getting hot enough to use the air conditioner. I guess I have vented enough. so I close with saying things could always be worst and I am thankful for all the things that I have.

My Nerves Are Shot!

My nerves are totally shot. I am trying to deal with my insurance company about my hospitalization from February and I'm going crazy.  They haven't paid yet and the time for "timely filling" is about up.  They have denied part of the claim for lack of medical records. I called the provider and they needed written proof from the insurance company. I called the insurance company and they said that they will send that information to the provider. I guess I know to much about claims since it was part of my old job. I just feel I'm getting the run around and as much as I'm paying for insurance I shouldn't have to do all of this!

I am really struggling with depression right now. Part of the reason again is the lack of money. I'm having to half my antidepressant until I get paid tomorrow. This was a long month and I ran out of money before the end of the month. Last month I was paid on the 8th and this month the 13th. On top of that I had an unexpected car repair ( Are there any other kind of repairs? lol).

I'm also worried about my friend Y and my daughter Alice. Both have some fairly serious health issue and my daughter is worried about if she is going to have a roof over her head. Of course she is always welcome to come back home, but again the cost is a serious issue. Things have got to get better soon.

Wrong

I've been eating all the wrong food this week, because I am so broke. I have not been able to go to the store to get the fresh vegetables and fruits. I have eaten way too many carbohydrates and the scale is showing it. It's so depressing to be on such a tight income. This makes me so depressed I can not stand it. I still have 3 more days until I get paid.  I hoping I have enough gas to get to my therapist tomorrow and back home. Being on a fixed income sucks big time.  Next week I'll have to hit the veggies hard. Why is healthy food so much more expensive.?  No wonder there is so much obesity among the poor.

My friend Y had to have an echo cardiogram of her heart and it shows regurgitation. She's seeing a cardiologist tomorrow. I hope this can be treated with medicine. I'm worried about her. She's not having any symptoms except she gets tired quickly. I think I'm more anxious than she is.

Sunday Sketches

Pansie 

Colored Pencils

The Light House In The Storm

 Oil

Sweet Saturday

Looks Yummy To Me!

Wish it was calorie free. lol

Government Shut Down

I'm really concerned about the government shut down. I do not believe the ones responsible will be losing any pay. Maybe if it could effect their pocket books they would be a little more ready to make some compromises.This is the last thing our economy  needs right now. We are at a point of recession and this is only going to make things worst. Can we forget party lines and make this work? Come on now. I guess this is the only political post I have ever made, but I am really concerned on what this is going to do to our country.

Feeling Stronger Today

I haven't been feeling well recently, but today I'm feeling a bit better. I have already dusted and  prepared a casserole for dinner . I'm going to run the  vacuum cleaner when I'm finished here and mop the kitchen. I have to be careful that I don't over do it because with the autoimmune disease it can jump up and get you down for days. House work is not my favorite thing to do but is a necessary evil. lol.

Well I finished that and was find until I went into Chris' room. I lost it big time. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his beautiful smile, him calling me "Little Mama".I miss it all. I had to fill out some legal papers the other day and the lady behind the desk said "He in a better place now."  I wanted to reach over the desk and chock her!  I believe my baby is in heaven, but I still want him here with me. I know it has been over a year, but the pain is still very intense. I'm not sure time heals all wounds. I love you Chris!

Vulnerable

I hate being so vulnerable. I used to be fairly strong for a women and could handle most things by myself. I was trying to start the lawnmower today and just could not do it. I then hurt myself getting it in and out of the shed that has three steps. I was so frustrated and I just started crying. I called my church to see if she knew of any teenage boys that would mow my lawn at a reasonable rate. It's not very big it would only take about 30 minutes. It gets so expensive when you have to hire everything done and I'm so depressed that I felt so helpless.

I'm really having to fight depression right now. I feel so alone in this world. It's so tempting to just give up, but I have always been such a fighter. I can not give into these feeling of hopelessness. What is wrong with me? Physically I know I'm not healthy, but I really hate this. I really hate this!

The Lost Child

The Lost Child

Cold chills run down my spine

The sensation is hiding the pain

The child wants to play

Time is long since past that day

Tears roll down the frozen face

Wanting warmth, hope,and faith

Longing  for something to hold on to

Yet only emptiness awaits

Hope is just a word

No depth, no meaning, no soul

Grasping for a single tread

Something to fill the void

I want the child to live again

To feel,to laugh,to smile,to love

I try to reach deep inside

Once again to hope for a better tomorrow

Wanda Arthington

Great Trip

I had a great trip. It was only a 2.5 hour trip, but the above sign was sometimes how I felt. lol Over all it was very relaxing. Only regret is cost too much money. Gas is so expensive. The wedding was beautiful. It is so much fun to see the look of the bride and groom and the love they are feeling for each other. Ah Young love!

Eat too much, but I guess that can be expected. At least I didn't gain any weight. I will try to catch up on my blog  reading soon, but now I'm exhausted from the drive.

Back Soon

Going our of town for a wedding, Will be back soon,

Some Art To Relax Me

This is my Easter Bunny Chick

Some roses from my bedroom

Spring Cherry Blossoms

Kitty in hot water.

I think I'm going to spend some time drawing to help relieve my stress. I have some paper for sketches and a couple of canvas I could start painting again, Just for fun and keep my mind off  some of the stress in my life. Oooh  this really helps me relax!! I'm no pro, but this is fun!!!! I can't sleep so I'm on this drawing kick.

Sadden And Discouraged

I feel sadden and discouraged today. My health just seems to be getting worst. I not having any luck selling the mobile home. My daughter is deeply depressed.  I am currently fasting diet pop and chocolate until Easter to increase my faith. It's hard right now because I still miss Chris' so much. I don't understand why he was taken and it hurts.

Funny thing but I'm suppose to write my mood down on my food journal and it is usually anxiety or depression. My therapist was very happy with my meal plans and my primary care doctor was happy with my weight when I saw her. I'm waiting on my lab results today and am anxious to see what they show.

I going to visit Y Sunday for a week. Her grandson is getting married and sent me an invitation. I'm so broke that  I'm going to have to be careful. With the cost of gas and everything. I will have to tell Y I can't afford to go out and eat. I'm sure she will understand.

On the brighter side my middle brother called and said they may come down this summer to visit. That would be great. Always need to look for the bright spots. I'll try to update you on what my doctor says before I leave town.

Not Feeling Well

I finally made an appointment to see my primary care physician. My heart rate has been very rapid and my blood pressure running high: plus I'm exhausted all the time. She started me on new blood pressure medicine and something to slow down my heart. She also did a lot of lab test because my last test showed anemia. The medicine I took last night did drop my heart rate down below 100 for the first time in weeks, but my blood pressure is still pretty high this morning. She is concerned that my autoimmune disease may because the fatigue and anemia, but my heart is working too hard.  Gross, gross, gross. I have to do two stool samples to check to see if I was bleeding. In short I have been feeling so bad I have not posted recently.

I'm Stressed

I'm stressed out of my ever loving mind and don't have a clue for what any of the answers are for everything that is going on in my life. I see my therapist today. I am going to try and touch on all the confusion and stress in my life as well as go over the eating journal. I can't sleep and am totally out of control. I am afraid I am going to relapse. I'm trying to pray, but it seems like empty words just hitting the ceiling. I just want to drown all my sorrows and I know I can NOT do that. There are just so many questions right now that I don't have answers to. I know this is effecting my health. My blood pressure and heart rate are both running too high. I keep telling myself you can do this, but believing  it is another story. The bottom line is I don't trust myself when I am this stressed. On top of everything else I was reading that stress can cause weight gain. I  am hoping that my therapy session today helps. I'm am literally at the end of my rope!
 

We All Need Love

We  where made to need love. Love fills in that "empty spot" in the heart. Where do we find love? Many of my friends did not have this kind of love as children. It seems to discolor finding real love as an adult. Trust issues are so damaged by a broken childhood.

Then we think we have  found the "one".  The one that will love us in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. We say vows till "death due us part".  This kind of commitment I never found. My love life was always broken.

The love I have know most has been my love for my children and a few friends that have stood beside me in thick and thin. This even makes it hard for me to trust God's love. I  have to tell myself he love me even more than I love my children. My love for my children has always and will forever be without condition. I hurt when they hurt.

My daughter Alice is going through a real rough time. I can not fix "it" at the current time. This causes me great pain. I only know that I am thankful that God does understand me with all my brokenness.

Slipped Up

I really slipped up on my meal plan yesterday! I feel so much guilt and shame when I do this. The scale did not show the slip up so I am very happy about that. This is gross, but my stomach couldn't handle it and I had liquid stools all day yesterday and again this morning. Today is a new day and I will do better.I feel in more control today. I need to organize my papers for my therapist.

I was reading in the Bible this morning about hope. The verses I read stated:

"The Lord's love never ends;

his mercies never stop.

They are new every morning"

With this on my side I can always look at things one day or moment at a time. God's love for me is unconditional. What more can I ask?

Talked to my psychiatrist today over the phone about my hand terrors. He thought it was because I was reducing my anxiety medicine and not my mood stabilizer. He want me to give it some time to see if it resolves itself before we make anymore medication changes. That seems logical.

I've been real discouraged that my house has not show one time this week. I thought with spring break it would show more. I really need a new start. I still can hardly stand to go into Chris' bedroom. There is stuff I still need to go through. I've done some but there is still so much more to do. The trouble is I set and cry uncontrollably  when I try to go through his stuff. I still miss him so.

Happy Saint Patrick's Day

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

May everyone have a safe and fun holiday! Be sure to wear green my friends.

Fear

Last night I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs. I sat straight up in the bed totally engulfed in fear. I do this more often than I care to admit.  I scared my cat off the bed, she went running. The next feeling I remember was that Chris was not there to tell me "it's OK little Mama. It was only a dream."  I was then flooded with sorrow that my beloved son was gone too. Shaking all over I reached for my TV control. Anything to kill the dead silence of the night. I prayed. It took several hour and a nerve pill before I could calm myself down enough to go back to sleep.

Today I am trying to understand the pain of the night. My beloved ex pastor had once told me that fear is:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

The dream was from my past. I was not in harms way. I was safe in my bed and angles (including Chris) where watching over me. I'm going to call or email my therapist to let her know about the incident. I'm still pretty shaken by the dream which is too painful to spell out here. Am I totally crazy and beyond repair? I don't know. I just know I need more peace in my life.

Blogging

My psychiatrist thinks that blogging is a very good idea for me. He feels I have so many emotions locked up inside me. I guess he is right, but I'm having trouble blogging recently. I think people are tired of hearing the same old things from me. Struggling, struggling, struggling. I think my medication is on the right trail. We even got to reduce the anxiety medicine. Yeah! That's a step in the right direction. My therapist is having me work on the food issues. I suppose to journal every thing I eat. I really am not enjoying that because all it makes me do is think more about food.

I have been keeping busy. I helping  S post operative from her total knee. Keeping the house in "showing order" at all times. NO slacking there!  I'm hoping to go to Y  for her grandson wedding, but the car repair took a bite out of the old budget if you know what I mean!  I just have to see how far I can stretch the budget.

Alice finally got to see a therapist which I think is going to help her stress level. Nothing much else going on in my part of the world.

Some Interest In The House

The house showed yesterday and they seemed really interested. I still don't know what I'm going to do if it does sells now. Alice is having a lot of problem where she is and they want her to leave. I am so afraid because right now I have no money to get her back her and if the house sells what then? My last nerve is shot and I don't have any answers.

Lets all remember those in Japan and the suffering they are going through!

Car Blues

My car started acting up on the way back from the doctor. I called a service man at the church I go to give me an idea on the cost  of a tune up. He said he would have to hook it up to a diagnostic machine which was $89.00 then we go from there. Before I got home with the car the "service engine soon"  light came on. I called him back and he said try not to drive the car this weekend until I could get it in next week to be looked at. It's one thing after another and I don't have the slightest idea how I'm going to pay for the car! UGH

Busy Yesterday, Today And Tomorrow

I was on the run all day yesterday. Last night was the support group for parents that have lost a child. It is the one place I can really open up with my feeling and know that what I am still feel is not abnormal. The group is national at it is call Compassionate Friends. It really is a great group that I would recommend to any parent that has lost a child.

Today I have to see my psychiatrist. I'm going to talk to him about being a little hung over in the mornings. We may need to do a minor adjustment to my medicine.  I am so glad I'm not manic or super depressed.I am then going to S house to help with some wound care. I got to do some "deep" cleaning on the house. I know they are going to show it tomorrow.  It would be nice to get an offer. The housing market is so depressed right now.

I got some business to take care of and need to be planning on what to take to Y . I don't think I like the 6 small meals or snacks a day. I constantly journeying my food and it takes up so much time. Maybe Monday I'll ask her about a 3 meal one snack plan.

I'm doing laundry while I working on the computer. Two thing at once! lol.  Well I'm running out of time and will try to visit some blog when I get back home. Hope everyone has a great week end. Oh that reminds me our time changes on Saturday. "Spring forward an hour".

A Very Different Day

Today was a very different day for me. I was kind of hung over from my medicine last night, so I slept in till 9:00 AM.. I had a lunch date with two of my friends. I had my meal plan set since I had eaten there before so that went well. S had her knee replacement last week so I went to her house to help organize things so she could get around better with the walker. I also stopped and picked up a few things at the grocery store for her.

I was needing to go to Walmart, but could not forces myself to do it. I just stopped at the Dollar Store and picked up a few items to last me today instead. There was a man outside the store that asked me for money. He was hungry and I don't carry much cash, but I gave him the $2.00 I had.I then went and paid some bills today which is always fun. My debit card was acting up and had to run it twice to get it to accept the charges which is really embarrassing. The clerk told me that someone else with the same kind of card that I had had the same problem. Who knows what was up with my bank. Now it's time to kick back and have a relaxing evening.

Hurt All Over!

I'm really hurting all over today. I don't know if it is weather or the fact I have been exercising more. It's bad.  Short and sweet today. I got to finish getting my house ready for a showing. Wish me luck.

New Meal Plan

My therapist has given me a new meal plan that is really scary. She wants me to eat 6 snacks a day instead of 3 meals. I am having to write down what I eat, my mood, and my hunger level.  I do not even know when I am hunger. I am already doing a food journal on Fit Day on my computer so that won't be hard. I feel like all I'll be doing is eating. Then I'll have to do my exercise after each time I eat (My rule). I just don't know if I can do it. How I'm feeling is going to be hard too. I'll just do my best and see where that leads to. I won't let that scale go up!We didn't talk about me weighing everyday. I'm sure that would be a big NO NO.

I Want To Be Like Jesus

You might ask me why I would title a post as such, but I have never seen Jesus doing anything but love others. Jesus did not care whether people went to church, followed all the Jewish laws, or were "sinners". He cared about people.  Jesus cried, he loved, and freely gave himself to others. When I am angry I know Jesus has felt anger. He felt pain. He felt loss.

I sometimes wonder why some people have so many difficulties in life. I look at my life and think there has been so much pain and I am so damaged. He understands all my flaws. All of them! I have to say that not all my prayers have been answered. I hope not to offend anyone, but it is true. He did not save my son's life and I don't understand why. I would have died for Chris to have lived, but it was not to be.

If I can give hope to one person then that is good. Hope is what we need more than anything. A hope for a better tomorrow. No child abuse, sexual abuse, ED, and no chronic illness. Sounds good.

Discouraged

Sometimes trying to do the right thing can be so discouraging. I am juggling so much right now, Trying to get treatment I need, helping a friend who has had surgery, and selling my home. Nothing seems to be going well. I am going back to using Fit Day.com to tack my calories. My therapist said we would focus on a meal plan Monday when I see her again.  I am so sad I can hardly stand it and I feel so hopeless. Sometimes I just feel like throwing in the bag. I'm trying to stay on top of this, but it is so hard. I'm obsessing on all the wrong things. I hurt so bad that my chest hurts. Tomorrow is a new day, maybe it will be brighter.

I Can Not Gain Any Weight

The scale is not being my friend right now. I am not doing anything different on my eating, but I seem to be gaining weight, which is freaking me out! I am actually exercising more so I don't get it! I am constipated right now so I thought I would try some prunes before I really freak out and do the laxative thing. Tomorrow I going to really restrict. I had to eat out with a friend today but I think I stayed within my limit. My eating plan is 1200 calories, so maybe just for a few days I cut that in half. I just can NOT gain back any of the weight I have lost! "Y" says I am too obsessed about my weight right now, but I just can not help it. With a diagnosed ED (307.50) I really should try it,  I'm really scared about gaining any weight now. I'm going to exercise again now.I am exercising past the point of severe pain. I am really afraid, but it all I can think of!

Self Injury Awareness Day!

http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2011/03/march-1st-is-self-injury-awareness-day.html This is a link to some great information. This behavior can last a life time without treatment. When I am at a very low point I still will do this. I copied part of the article in case the link doesn't work correctly. It's my first attempt at a link. Thank you Dr Deb for this information.

People who SI are often trying to:

* Distract emotional pain

* End feelings of numbness

* Calm overwhelming feelings

* Maintaining control

* Self-punish

* Express thoughts that cannot be put into words

* Express feelings for which there are no words

What are the types of self-injury?

* Cutting

* Burning

* Picking at skin

* Interfering with wound healing

* Hair-pulling

* Hitting

* Scratching

* Pinching

* Biting

* Bone-breaking

* Head-banging

Finding professionals who specialize in working with self-injury is IMPERATIVE. With proper treatment, new ways of coping will be learned and slowly the cycle of hurting will end.

On a totally different point my knee has healed enough that I was able to do 50 repetitions on my health rider today. Maybe I can do 50 more to night and start burning some calories. Yes! 

Therapy Can Be Painful

Today was a very painful day in therapy. We talked about my Mom and how much different she was than me. We talked about how she would abandoned us for months at a time and leave us with my Grandmother. We talked about how she allowed my step dad to molests my sister and I myself. The abuse really causes me to have trust issues after all these years.
We talked about how I show signs of self hatred and how difficult it is for me to think that anyone could really like me. We talked about how losing Chris shattered my brief that being "good" was rewarded in life. We talked a little about God. Her views are totally different than mine, but that's OK. We talked about how bad things can happen regardless of whether you are a good person or not. I got her e-mail address to contact her if I need her between session. I can not believe I got the nerve to ask for it, but I did it.

Painful as it was I think we made some head way on me accepting myself as a lovable person.