Hurts When Your Kids Hurts

Right now I wish I had a magic wand to take away some of Alice's pain. I can not even find the right words to say to inspire some hope in her heart. Believe me I know the feelings of hopelessness. She is so young to have to battle with this disease. Depression really s**ks. I have lived with it all my life and can see the hopelessness it brings.

 I wonder why some brains are chemically the way they are. Here are some command symptoms of depression:

• Constant sadness
• Irritability
• Hopelessness
• Trouble sleeping
• Low energy or fatigue
• Feeling worthless or guilty for no reason
• Significant weight change
• Difficulty concentrating
• Loss of interest in favorite activities

That is no way to have to live. Alice if you do read this know I love you and wish I could make it better for you. Struggling myself. You hang in there and we make it together!

Raining

It's been raining cat and dogs here. Speaking of cats I bought a different litter because it was all the store had at the time and my lovely little cat decided that she wasn't going to use the litter box. Needless to say I had to go out in the rain to buy "her litter".  Hopefully she will go back to her litter box now and not my garden bath tub. Ugh!

My name should be Trouble.

The change in the weather cause my muscles and joints to hurt. I think I'm going to have to take another pain pill. Autoimmune diseases can be very painful and exhausting."Your body's immune system protects you from disease and infection. But if you have an autoimmune disease, your immune system attacks healthy cells in your body by mistake." "Those with autoimmune disorders can have a wide variety of symptoms such as low-grade fever, joint pain, fatigue, and/or unexplained rashes that may change over time." I have three good friends beside myself that suffer from this disease. I feel I am the least debilitating of the 4 of us.

I mailed my best friend "Y" her Birthday card while I was out and picked up her a restaurant gift card.  I also picked up a few groceries for the house, so  maybe it wasn't just a trip out for my cat.  I did want to stay in the house today, but plans do change.

So Exhausted

I'm so exhausted! The psychiatrist said this can be expected after being on a long mixed mania with depression episode of the bipolar I. I have to see him again in 2 1/2 weeks. He warned me NOT to change the dosages of the medication because that could flip me into a mania again. I really don't like feeling this exhausted. It's hard to keep from falling a sleep. He said go ahead and sleep because my body needs its,but I can't do that 24/7.

I'm worried about Alice because she fell on the ice on her bad knee. When I called they had just headed out for ER.  She couldn't bear any weight on the leg at all. I hope she did not dislocate something.

Finally no doctor or therapy appointment for tomorrow!  That really runs into the money @ $35.00 a whack.
Well I need to check out my banking account so I'll sign off for now.

Dealing With My Grief

"It is frequently said that the grief of bereaved parents is the most intense grief known. When a child dies, parents feel that a part of them has died, that a vital and core part of them has been ripped away. Bereaved parents indeed do feel that the death of their child is "the ultimate deprivation.Bereaved parents continue to be parents of the child who died. They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child's death; they were, and always will be, the loving father and mother of that child. Yet, these parents have to accept that they will never be able to live their lives with or share their love openly with the child. So they must find ways to hold on to the memories."

"Grieving parents are survivors" 

I feel I should be  stronger than I am. It's been one year now and it feels like it happened yesterday. Not everyday but some days. I have survived so much in my life. There was sexual and physical abuse. Suicide of a family member. Being abandoned by my mother. All these things seem small in comparison to the loss of Chris. Yes I still talk to him in my spirit. His beautiful smile tells me I have to keep going and I believe I will join him someday.

  I love you baby!

I Am Competent, Capable, and Lovable

"I am competent, capable, and lovable" is what I am suppose to tell myself several times a day. The hardest part is the lovable. I will put the saying up on my computer that is one place I go daily. Seems like when your own Mother rejected you it hard to think that anyone can really love you. My therapist wants to see me weekly for awhile. All I can see is $$$$$$$$ that I don't have.  I know I need extensive treatment and the depression is bad right now. Abuse and abandonment sure can put some deep deep scars on someone.

Remember this is eating disorder awareness week and stand by those that struggle with this terrible disease. 

I Ate Too Much

Yesterday I was taken out to dinner and I binged. Today I am freaking out because the number on the scale went up. I just can't go out without being a pig. I hate myself for what I did yesterday.

On top of that last night I was having flash backs and remember things that have been locked away in little compartments of my mind.

I am trying to give of myself to others and am being  pulled in  too many directions. I feel I must give 110% all the time. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster with no end in sight!!!

I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow because I feel like everything is spinning out of control. She says I need intensive therapy. What ever that means.

I wished I had weighed before I ate that stupid egg this morning. Maybe I can tolerate the pain and exercise everything off.  I wish I could at least like myself.

I will try to put together a care package for Alice this week. I know she is having a rough time. Maybe that will make her feel a little better.

I know this post is jumping all over the place with no sense of logic so I'll stop for now. Thank you all for you concerns, good vibes , and prayers.

One Day At A Time For Now

For now I am just trying to make it one day at a time. They have the mania controlled, but not the depression. I see my therapist Monday. This whole thing is so exhausting. I'm going to lie back down for now.
 

I Am Out OF The Hospital

I was admitted to the hospital for 16 days. I'm in better shape now. A lot of  medication adjustments. I am hoping I can afford this treatment plan, because I feel my life does depend on getting better. I have applied for a finical assistance program. Hopefully I will get some assistance. I very exhausted and over whelmed right now so this is just a short post to let you know I'm OK.  Thanks for your concern and support.

Going In For An Emergency Assessment

I called my psychiatrist and he wants me to come in for an emergency  assessment. I can't afford this, but I don't know what else to do.

Fake It To You Make It Isn't Working

I'm really in a dark spot right now. I  am doing a lot of non productive behaviors. I don't think I have the strength to pull out of this downward spiral.I'm not making good decisions right now. I'm not what I would call a big drinker. It had been months since I drank, but I am finding myself needing "something" to take the edge off almost daily. I'm cycling so rapidly. Right now I think I have a mixed bipolar state.

Mixed bipolar disorder is defined by periods of mania and depression that occur at the same time, or in rapid sequence. These combined manic-depressive periods are called mixed mania or mixed manic episodes:

• Mania in mixed episodes usually involves irritability, racing thoughts and speech, and overactivity or agitation.
• Depression in mixed bipolar disorder is similar to "regular" depression, with feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities, low energy, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.

This may seem impossible -- how can someone be manic and depressed at the same time? Because mixed manic episodes are a form of mental illness, they defy any predictable pattern of feelings or behavior.
For example, a person in a mixed manic episode could be crying uncontrollably while announcing they have never felt better in their life. Or they could be exuberantly happy, only to suddenly collapse in misery. A short while later they might suddenly return to an ecstatic state.
Mixed manic episodes can last from days to years, if untreated. Mixed bipolar disorder episodes tend to last longer than other forms of bipolar disorder.

Self-injury, often referred to as cutting, self-mutilation, or self-harm, is an injurious attempt to cope with overpowering negative emotions, such as extreme anger, anxiety, and frustration. It is usually repetitive, not a one-time act.

Yes I am struggling with all the the above. My emotions are jumping all over the place. I can make it. I have too!

Not In Good Shape.

DO I LOOK LIKE TROUBLE?

I'm not in very good shape despite trying to control the situation. I'm manic and grieving big time. I'm back home because the weather is suppose to turn nasty. I really think my mania was starting to bother Y. She couldn't relate to not being able to sit still for even 5 minutes. I kept pacing and moving all over the place. I was in constant pain form the movement but could not stop myself. When I tried to sleep I would have horrible nightmares.I cried  myself to sleep every night.Then I was lucky if I got 2-3 hours sleep.I'm being to think there is nothing anyone can do to help me.Tonight I will run the vacuum cleaner and maybe do some laundry. My kitty cat knocked down the curtains in my computer room.so I already put those back up. How can such a sweet looking thing cause so much trouble?  I just hope I can hang on until I see my psychiatrist on the eight!

My Love Shall Never Die

It's been almost a year since my beloved Chris died. The pain is still unbearable. I wanted to post a tribute of my love for him, He was such a joy. I have a few pictures I wanted to share.

Always at his computer.

A warm smile for everyone

A pure joy to talk to.

He now in heaven watching over me.

I miss your loving smile.

I going to go to my friend in Shawnee for a few days so I won't have to be alone. I'm not feeling very stable right now and don't want to end up in the hospital again. I just going to keep myself safe with Y.

Rest

I need rest. I have not been sleeping. My mind won't shut down. I'm filled with sadness and keep living with a ray of hope from a Bible verse. " All things work together for good to them that love the Lord."  I wish my faith was stronger. So much has happen that brings me down. I feel so much pain some days I don't think I can make it. I wonder what am I suppose to be doing. I search for a meaning of life. What is my purpose? I love people deeply but feel so helpless in what I can do. My heart is tender or maybe just raw. I should be stronger. I have lived through so much. I want to encourage others, but have difficulty encouraging myself. I won't and can't give up no mater how dark the skies. I am a winner no matter what continues to fall my way. "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me." I just have to take it one day at a time.

It's Official

Kitchen

Master Bath

Master Bedroom

Outside of the Home

It's official. My mobile home is now up for sale. Pictured are the kitchen, master bedroom, master bath and the outside of the home. Not pictured are the other two bedrooms and the living room with a wood burning fireplace. Due to my declining health I think it would be better to live in an apartment so I would not have the upkeep of the home. It is very expensive when you have to hire most things done. I have a great difficulty walking and it is impossible for me to do the lawn care. I have worked hard to get it fixed up to sell. I'm hoping with this depressed market it is not on the market for ever.  Wish me luck. I really think this is the right move due to my health and being on a fixed income. I am planing on moving close to my friend of 25 years as her family has ofter to help me as needed. It is a scary venture, but I feel it is definitely the right move.

A Small Light Brings Hope

 

 

A Small Light Brings Hope

 

Breezes blow and time changes

Yet nothing seems to change

Sadness hovers on each breeze

Blowing over the strings of the heart

Hope seems but a word without meaning

Love absence leaves coldness to the bone

Darkness swallows the heart whole

Despair is winning and fills the soul

A small light shimmer through the window of my soul

  Then hope begins to take on meaning

Love  of others is felt in the deepest part of the heart

Could this mean life, hope, and joy is reborn?

Emotionally A Little Better

I think I'm in a little better place emotionally than I have been the last few days. My thoughts are not quite as dark. I am physically not well. I'm running a fever, body aches, and upset stomach.
 I am trying very hard to stay positive. When you live with depression that can be so hard. It has been close to a year now since I lost my son. I still grieve so deeply for him. His birthday would have been February 3 and he would have been 29. I know he is in heaven happy and well but I still wish he was here with me.   For you my beloved Chris!

Is It True?

Is it really true what doesn't kill you make you stronger? I am so frustrated. The cost of my mental health care has become more than I can afford. I know I have so many issues, PTSD, eating disorder, bipolar, and still in deep grief. There are days like today I just don't think I can make it. I keep think about the after life and that it would have to be better than this. I know how dangerous my thinking is right now, so I'm trying to keep from thinking so much. The urges to hurt myself or so strong, but I'm fighting hard not to give in to them. It terrible to be afraid of your own mind. I'm trying so hard not to give in these intrusive thought. I guess that is why I keep calling people. Of course I can tell them what I'm writing here. I hate it when my thinking is all messed up and I guess that is why I'm reaching out on this blog. I guess it's true that "We all need someone to lean on".

What's Wrong With Me?

I don't know what wrong with me. Normally I am such a fighter. Right now I'm tired of hurting on the inside and the outside. I'm trying not to let hopelessness swallow me up. I can sleep anymore and I'm working my butt off.  I been "mentally" ill all my life. My first suicide attempt was at 12 years old. The PTSD issues have been beating me up recently. I feel like such a failure. When the lupus and joint problems became so bad about 3 years ago I had to go on disability. I think losing my job did a number on me emotionally. I feel for every step forward I take then I take 3 steps backwards.  I am trying to do my best but I feel I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe all of this is just sleep deprivation. I'm so tried of crying. I'm just emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm afraid to say anything to my psychiatrist, because he will over medicate me or want to do ECT again. I'm never going to do that again I would rather die than go through that. I'm sorry I'm am feeling so low that is why I have had trouble posting recently. On top of everything else I in so much physical pain and can't stop coughing. UGH!

Trouble Sleeping

I guess I'm just too up tight because I just can't sleep the night trough. It's 4 AM and I'm cleaning. Crazy isn't it?

Busy

I have really been busy today. I had to do some shopping, get my car fixed, and do somethings around the house today. I'm so proud of myself for being able to fix the broken handle on my toilet. I know that is just a small thing, but it made me feel good that I could do it by myself. I also put up two lamp shades. I had to use a step stool because I'm so short. The climbing has caused my knees to hurt tonight. Hopefully I will sleep like a baby tonight!

Trying

I'm trying very hard to focus on the good and not so much the bad. It has been hard to post recently, because I didn't want to be negative. My daughter Alice called today and sounded so depressed. I just want to hug her so badly. Seems sometimes life has more darkness in it than light. I just keep trying to look for the good. This can be very hard at times.
I have decided that my past ,my mental illness, and my general health are not the only things that can control my mood. I have my faith and friends to up lift me. We have each other which is so important to know. We are not alone. I want this to be a good year. I am working hard to do what I can to continue to heal and get stronger. One day at a time is all we can live.

Little Bit Of This And That

First my sister is doing great. Praise the Lord. She is out of ICU now. She will most likely have to go home on oxygen, so she is really going to have to stop smoking.

Second I have got all my window covering up now. Looks perry good, if I do say so myself. I now have to start the deep cleaning. Ugh! I found out if I list the mobile home with the rental agency that they do all the paper work and list the property on their web site. The cost is unbeatable! I am hoping to put it up next week.

It's very cold here right now. We have a little snow, but the streets are fairly clear. The wind chill will drop the temperatures below  zero tonight. I will have to drip the water to prevent freezing pipes.

I'm doing OK. I'm still battling with depression and missing Chris a lot. He will have been gone 1 year on the 28th of the month. I still cry when I think about he is gone. It just somehow doesn't seem real.
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Doing better

My sister is doing better this morning according to the ICU nurse, Her O2 and CO2 levels are starting to level out. This is really good news.

Sister Going On Ventilator

I just received a call that my sister is being put on a ventilator tonight! Her CO2 just won't go down. For those of you that pray please lift her up in prayer.

Hug Some Curtains

My best friend Y was going to throw way the curtains that came in her new mobile home because she did not like them. I told her I would take them because she was just going to burn them in the trash. Today we put up four sets of curtains and they make the windows to my mobile home look better.

I am going to have to down size into a government apartment since I can not afford the up keep on this place.  I'm planning on putting it on the market soon. I just hope it sells. There is still so much work to do. I wish I were a "handyman".

Some Good News

I got the report today that my breast lump was  not cancer. Yes! I needed some good news.

I have had a difficult time posting recently. I am really been fighting depression. It has been hard to do the routine things in life let alone any extras. My knee still hurts a lot and I'm not sure if that is the problem or what. I just don't feel well. At least I can stop worrying about the breast lump.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support over the last few weeks. I really appreciate all of you that follow my blog. Together we can get through the rough spots. Again thank you!

Hope

Sometimes it is so hard just to hope again. I see the pain in my beloved daughters words and can so relate. Fear of hoping for a better tomorrow is not a good place to be. I have to believe there are reasons beyond my understanding for so much pain. I have to hope for a better tomorrow.  I have to hold on for dear live. I want this to be a year of healing. I know healing is work, but I'm committed to getting stronger.

Tenative

I'm very tentative as I start the new year. After coming off such a rough year I must admit I have some fears facing a new year. I know that I am a strong human being that is full of love for others. I am going to try my best to just live one day at a time. I don't think I'll ever forget last year, but I will not let it destroy all my hopes. Right now it is still hard to dream, because I really don't know what I want. I do know love is the only reason for being and I am loved. I know I have done something right, because both of my children have told me I have "always been there for them." Those words mean more to me than anything. I won't give in to despair. I will overcome!

Good Bye 2010

I must admit I'm glad 2010 is coming to an end. This has been a very difficult year for me. It has shaken everything I believe in and has caused me immense pain. Too many losses this year have left me raw with many open wounds. There were times I didn't think I could make it, but I did. The good thing was I am stronger and closer to God and friends than in the past.
I have to believe 2011 will be a better year. It is not starting out to well. Maybe I'll be able to relax more after I find out more information about the breast lump. My medical insurance was canceled and the new one is not good. It's time for something good to happen and I'm holding on to that hope for a better tomorrow.
Happy New Years to all my friends in blogging land. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement.

Hurting

Sometimes I wonder how much pain and suffering one human being can endure. It has been trauma after trauma in my life. The mental  anguish is almost more than I can take. I'm tired of having to fight so hard. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I know I need to continue to fight, but I'm exhausted. There is just too much pain in this world. Oh God Why? I'm just so tired.  I hurt so badly. I just don't know how much more I can take.

Found a Lump

I found a breast lump the other day and saw my doctor today. It's about 1 cc in size and it in the upper breast tissue. It was missed on my mammogram a few month earlier.  My doctor is setting me up for an ultra sound. I have a very strong history of breast cancer in my family. My sister has had to have both breast removed and my mother died from the spread of the cancer. I am a little bit afraid but looking for the best to come out of this. I'm trying not to stress over this. The doctor said it was a good sign the the lump was movable. I just have to put this in God's hand.

I have an ultra sound of the breast scheduled Jan 6. I can't believe that is as soon as I could get in. I'll try not to worry about it.
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I'm Back

I'm back in town now. Hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and really got to spend some quality time with their family. Being with the ones you love is what it is all about. I do miss my computer when I'm at my friend Y. She doesn't like them and does not own one. For me my computer is a real connection to my on line friends.

I had as good as can be expect time this Christmas. My friends really stepped up to be there for me. I cried myself a sleep a few times thinking about Chris. I so much miss him and his beautiful laugh. I miss him teasing me and calling me little Mama. I wasn't able to spend time with Alice for Christmas which really hurt too. We talked and it sounded like she was doing OK.

Princess was very happy to see me when I got home. I had some one checking on her since we just lost Zinthus. She hid most of the time. It seems she is quite the Mama girl. She has been all over me wanting loving since I got back.

It's still fairly  cold, but nothing like on the east coast and up north. We may get snow for New Years Day.  It good to be back to my computer any way. Hugs to everyone. May this year be a better year than last.

Merry Christmas

I'm going to be away a few days and just want to wish all my blogging friends a  Merry Christmas!

Worth More Than Gold

I received the most beautiful card form my daughter today. I cried with joy. The picture does not do the card justice. The verse and what she wrote mean so much to me! I am going out of town to be with my friend Y for a few days so I would not have to spend Christmas alone. Her family are like family to me. We have know each other so long and are so close. I want to wish all my friends a very Merry Christmas and a Thank You for being there for me!

Rest In Peace Zinthus

 I had to put Zinthus down today. He was a big boy. !4 pounds. They premeditated him to decrease his anxiety and he went very peacefully.  He was in a lot of pain. I'm not sure exactly what was wrong with him, but due to his age and difficultly medicating him the vet thought it was the most humane thing we could do. Now he is with his beloved Chris. I've been crying like a baby. Princes is looking for him. We  were trying to crate him to take him to the vet Princes picked a fight with him making things much more difficult to catch him. I am so sick at my stomach. Chris was so very close to Zinthus. I know in my heart I did the right thing but it hurts so bad.

Peace To All

I wish peace to all my blogging friends this Holiday Season.

Make Me Smile

Today I chose to look at the thing that bring a smile to my face. Cats in Santa hats make me smile.

Friends holding each other up makes me smile.

Alice you make me smile. Chris you make me smile.

Christmas trees make me smile.

 Knowing He will carry me when I'm to tired to walk, makes me smile.

My friends in Blogging Land that love me, makes me smile.

If I made one person smile and feel hope, this is my biggest smile!

Lack Of Sunshine

The gray gloomy skies have really been triggering a lot of bad stuff.  Sleep, not a chance. Crying, a lot. Flash backs, I can feel it all again. My beloved Chris gone. Alice too far away to hold. Plus the physical pain. Lupus, flaring up. I just got to make it a few more days then I'll maybe get that break. Holding on for dear life right now.

I Think Zinthus Is Sick

I think Zinthus is sick. He is crying out like a cat in heat!  He stopped grooming himself and is just not acting right. I called to get a vet appointment and can not get him in until Monday unless it's an  "emergency". Plus I have to get a ride from someone and have them help me crate him. I don't know a lot about cats. He is a really big boy and seems to be eating. He may just be lonely I just don't know. Zinthus was Chris' "baby" and stayed with him 24-7. I hope this is nothing serious. I think he about 11-12 years old. I'm a bit worried.

See Doctor Thursday

I see my doctor Thursday and will find out how he thinks my knee is coming along. I was thinking I was to be able to drive in 2 weeks, but it is actually 3 weeks before I can drive. I will be so glad because I'm going crazy being so confined. I was able to step into the bathtub for a shower today. Boy did that feel good. I couldn't stand long, but it was nice to feel that hot water saturating my entire body at one time!

My friend is picking me up next Wednesday for Christmas, so I will spend Christmas with her family and not be alone on Christmas day. I just don't think I could have handled being alone on Christmas day. Wow it's hard to believe it is only 11 days away.  I remember my kids counting down the days. It was always so much fun to see the joy and excitement  in their eyes. There is just something about children and Christmas!

It's really cold outside here, but tomorrow is suppose to be warmer. I hoping we don't get any snow or anything like that next Wednesday, because my friend doesn't drive in snow.

Isolation

I'm feeling so isolated right now. Not being able to drive or even carry out my own trash is getting to me.  I find myself just breaking into tears. I don't like being "out of control" or at some bodies mercy. I'm really afraid the doctor is not going to release me to drive when I see him on Thursday. My leg seems weaker than I think it should be at this point. I know I'm really depressed right now and am finding it hard to fight the intrusive thoughts I've been having. I am seeing at least one person a day, but this feeling of being trapped is eating away at me. I thought I would be in a rehab center for at least a week post op and not alone . That is what I was told anyway. I don't like the thoughts that are running through my head. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

Learned A Valuable Lesson

Well I learned a very  valuable lesson. If you think you doing too much you most likely are. I'm really sore today! I tried too go to long without my pain medicine and take out my own trash.  Those 5 steps were too much!!!

Cold

How in the world do you get a cold when you are isolated in your house for a week???? I had to call the pharmacy to find out what "cold" medicine I could take with the blood thinner they have me on. I have tons of soup, but nothing tastes good. All I feel like doing is watching TV with remote control in hand. Hope everybody is having a good weekend.