On top of that last night I was having flash backs and remember things that have been locked away in little compartments of my mind.
I am trying to give of myself to others and am being pulled in too many directions. I feel I must give 110% all the time. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster with no end in sight!!!
I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow because I feel like everything is spinning out of control. She says I need intensive therapy. What ever that means.
I wished I had weighed before I ate that stupid egg this morning. Maybe I can tolerate the pain and exercise everything off. I wish I could at least like myself.
I will try to put together a care package for Alice this week. I know she is having a rough time. Maybe that will make her feel a little better.
I know this post is jumping all over the place with no sense of logic so I'll stop for now. Thank you all for you concerns, good vibes , and prayers.
7 comments:
The overeating is something that is a problem for me but I have had to stop punishing myself for my size. It was literally making me crazy. I may have issues but they are my own. Heavy does NOT equal lazy. It's something this society tells us and its, if you will pardon the pun, a BIG FAT LIE! Heavy doesn't equal lazy, nor does it equal ugly. I learned over these many years that I have hated myself for what's within, and no amount of "fixing" what's on the outside will fix the inner pain and self-loathing. That's what we have to work on. Eating disorders suck, but without society's disordered edicts, they would not exist.
Wanda,
Goodness, this is how I felt yesterday and into today. I felt like all I did was eat yesterday and woke up with feelings of disgust and failure.
But then I realized I'm not a failure and a little forgiveness of self goes a long way. So waht if I ate more than I wanted to? Today and this moment is a new beginning and I can change my 'today' behaviors.
REgarding the number on the scale? I've been in treatment too many times with an eating disorder to know that a number is NOT a reflection of who I am OR my weight...it is just that; a number! It doesn't define me so I suggest you get rid of the scale and go by how your clothes fit...
thinking of you and hoping you are taking one day at a time...
I got a good cure for that STAY OFF THE SCALE,like I do.
Dear Wanda,
I so understand your panic and distress at the number on the scale going up. I also know that it is unlikely that one binge will affect things too much...
The underlying pain is the real problem and I'm so sorry that you are having the battles that lead to this.
Please try not to be too harsh with yourself. You are a beautiful person who deserves the care that you give to others so willingly. It's been tough enough for you...
I want you to know that I am just sitting with you.
Much love and care
WS
x
Just coming by to say I'm glad you stopped by my Art Blog.... I wish you would draw, sketch or paint a flower for our little Art Challenge. Anything to would share would be enjoyed by all, I'm sure. We are not looking for perfection...just people who like to dapple in art.
I do relate to your eating too much...me too. Try as I may, the scales seem to have a mind of their own.
Love and Hugs
Wanda from the Art Blog, and Brushstrokes (my other blog)
Oh, I know the feeling you're experiencing. It is NO FUN. But you have to give yourself some slack-- you just got out of the hospital and things have been stressful for you. I know being nice to ourselves is sometimes incredibly difficult thing to do. But maybe think of it this way: if a friend was in the same situation as you are would you fault her for trying to cope by binging?
I hope your therapist is helpful tomorrow. (((Wanda)))
Are you sure it was a binge. Just eating until your too full isn't a binge. A binge would be if you ate everyone else's food also. It is one day, and you are not a pig! I'm sorry about the flashbacks. I know how horrible thet make you feel. There is no way that you can do and be everything for everybody. You need to take care of yourself. I'm worried about you. Slow down and breathe. Sending {{{HUGS}}}
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