Broken

Today I'm struggling with so many unresolved feelings. My therapist has had to cancel a couple of visits and I'm surprised about how lost that makes me feel. I'm keeping fairly busy so I don't have time to think too much. I want to become a healthy productive person. It just sometimes seems so far out of my reach. I see people smiling and enjoying life and wonder what it would be like to be joyful. I care for people and animals. I know I am a good person. I just really lack joy and happiness. I read so many stories about survivors that really seem to be happy. I wounder why nothing seems to help my depression. I read any uplifting thing I can get my hands on. I'm out there trying to help others. Am I just too broken to fix? I've seen God answer prayers, so I have to believe He cares. I know that I can make it today, so if it takes just one day at a time,so be it. I chose to continue to try to get better!

PS I just received a call from my daughter that Chris' computer that I sent her arrived in pieces. I am totally devastated!That computer was Chris' life and now it is destroyed by reckless handling of people who just didn't care. I insured the computer, but that doesn't take away the pain of losing his most treasure procession. I feel I have failed him again. I'm a nurse and I couldn't save him when he was dying. I don't think I can take much more pain. I guess I'm a real nut job right? My daughter has contacted UPS to see what they are going to do about it. I tried to talk to them, but I just couldn't stop crying.

I May Not Know

I may not know the reasons that some must die so young. I may not know why some struggle with mental illness daily. I may not know why some must fight with eat disorders. I may not know why there is sexual and child abuse. I may not know why some suffer such physical pain. I may not know why people hurt each other . BUT I do believe there is Someone who cares for each broken heart and we are here to help each other.

It's Been A Rough Day Already

I got up early for a 8AM psychiatrist appointment. He really wants me to go to a day treatment program, but I've got so many other doctors appointments I just can't do it right now. He started me on Abilify today along with my other medicines. He wants me to get several labs checked, so I guess I'll do that Wednesday morning. I packed up Chris's PC to send to his Sister today. She has been having a lot of computer problems. I had a real difficult time being in Chris' room and packing the most treasured item that he owned. I know he would want Alice to have it, but it was very painful for me to do. I miss seeing him at that computer. He did reviews for Nivida, tested soft ware,and enjoyed on line gaming so much. I don't know if this pain is ever going to stop. I miss him so much! I still cry several times a week and he has been gone for over 8 months now. He always called me "little mama". I'll never forget one of the last thing he said to me,"Thank you little mama for always being here for me." When he said that I had no idea he was going to die, but I know how much he loved me from those words. My only advise to parents is love your children everyday for they are a gift from God and you never know when they will be gone.

We All Need Someone To Lean On.

The words to that song have been going through my head a lot today. "We all need someone to lean on." We were never made to have to go through the "rough spots" alone. Often we have developed not so healthy coping mechanism to make it. As we begin to heal it is hard to let go of those coping skills. Yes they were coping skills, but they no longer work. Feeling the pain that is bottled up inside us can be so hard. During these times it can be hard to reach out to someone. Humans were never meant to be alone. We need each other. Sometimes I look at my life and wonder why there has been so much pain. Why do I exist? The one good thing I can see is that I genuinely care for others. Supporting and loving one another we can make it together.

What Is Wrong With Me?

I just don't understand what has happen to the "fighter" I used to be. Depression seems to be winning. Hopelessness is such a heavy burden to carry. I'm so sad and don't see it lifting. My daughter is hurting and I can't help her. That just make things ten times worst. I need to see some glimmer of hope soon. I just want to feel something besides this heavy weight.

Busy Day

I had a very busy day today with my ex-husband sister. We went to see a friend of hers that lives about 2.5 hours away. We visited for awhile then drove back home. We then had dinner together. I had to come home and do some laundry for my trip tomorrow. The house isn't as clean as I wish it was, but I don't think I'll have time to finish it before my friend gets here tomorrow, because I have an early appointment. My best friend is concerned that I have been spending so much time with my ex-sister-in-law, because my ex-husband was such a "sick puppy". He is currently in prison serving a 50 year sentence for child molestation. My best friend is concern since I had very little contact with my sister-in-law and she is giving information to her brother. I hope I'm not being gullible but she has done nothing but help me the last few months. You see best friend has seen me make a lot of mistake with people, because I always want to find some good in them,then I get hurt. I don't know, but I'm not going to worry too much about it. I think my sister in law just feeels a little guilty because no one was with me when my son died. I most likely won't be on line for the next week since I'm spending it with my friend out of town. Take care everyone and I'll be thinking of you.

Not Sure Where I'm At

Although I have been crying a lot today I'm not sure where my head is at. I read so many positive uplifting post today that I feel I should be filled with hope. I don't like being the way I am. I want to help others and be a bright spot in their day. I'm trying so hard to get better. It's so hard feeling that maybe this is as good as it gets. I just can't except that. I'm going for a little trip this weekend with a friend. I sometimes think getting away from here is the best medicine for me.Speaking of medicine my primary care doctor put me on a blood pressure pill today. I hate it! Another new medicine. I feel like I takes so many pills right now I rattle. See there is a little humor left in me.

Did anyone watch Dr Phil and Opra shows today? When Dr Phil was talking about young people committing suicide my heart was broken. I can not image the pain those families feel. The Opra show talk about DID and how severe trauma and sexual abuse can affect a person for a life time. Then I saw on the news about the protest at a young military mans funeral and was shocked that it was a church group. I just have to ask is that something Jesus would do? People need to be careful what they do in God's name. I guess I believe in love. Love heals not hate. I think to hurt someone during the most difficult time in their life (funeral of a child) is the most ungodly thing I have ever heard of. I not sure I want to watch anymore TV right now.

On a lighter note I hope all is well with everyone. Talk at you later.

A Little Better

My state of mind is in a little better place today. I think sometimes the psychiatrist ask too many questions and that causes me to be more depressed. If I could get a primary care doctor to treat the bipolar I don't think I would even see a psychiatrist. That not going to happen because my mental health history hasn't been that stable. I do think spending time at the SPAC helps. The animals are one of the few things that can make me forget for awhile. My sister-in-law and I are learning how to do the cat adoptions. I'm looking forward to that. I got really sick today from binging on chocolate yesterday. My stomach has finally settled down. At least I didn't gain any weight from my binging yesterday.

Death On My Mind

My blog is the only place I can say what I am really feeling. I have been trying to put up "a front" that everything is OK and I am getting better. Right now death is the only thing that seems to offer a hope of peace. I'm totally hopeless right now. I just can't see things ever being better. I saw my psychiatrist today and he increased my antidepressant. He also wants me to go to IOP (Intensive Out Patient Treatment). They meet daily. He feels I need more support than I am getting. I just don't know if it would do any good. I told him I was "safe" until I got some legal issues taken care of, because I won't leave a mess for my family. I know there are people that live with bipolar, PTSD, eating disorders,self harm, and grief and seem to have normal lives. What is wrong with me?? Why do I continue to sink into this sense of pure hopelessness? No matter how hard I try I just can not pull myself out of this. I hate being like this. I am trying, but it feels like I am just spinning my wheels.

I've Been Going 90 Miles Per Hour.

I have been going 90 miles per hour. My mind is really racing and I'm not sure it's going in the right direction. I way over did it yesterday physically and am really paying for it today.When I get this way I either go into a super cleaning mode or a super spending mode. Since there was no money to spend I over worked yesterday.I am in so much pain today I don't know which end is up. I should have known better, because I know my lab levels are really screwed up. My daughter assured me everything is OK with her boyfriend. I am glad for that. She is still feeling physical ill however. I encouraged her to seek medical help. I know I have been over cautious since the death of my son. He started out with a simple cough and ended up dying from pneumonia. I know I worry far too much, but so many bad things have happen I'm just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am suppose to go with my ex- sister -in- law to a gospel musical and out to dinner tonight. I'm a little worried about going out to eat. I really hate eating in front of people and am concerned that I have gained 2 lbs.. I think the antidepressant they have me on is making me a little manic and has increased my appetite.I'll be sure to bring this up in our next session on Monday. Being a rapid cycling manic depressive makes it hard to control my medicine. I also think the medication I take for the auto immune disease interacts with my bipolar medications. I got a letter the other day form Blue Cross Blue Shield that they are dropping out of the Medicare Advantage Plan. I've talked with Medicare and they are not sure how many Advantage plans there are going to be. For the disabled this is really going to put a finical hardship on people. I was wondering if anyone else has hear anything about this. I just want to say how thankful I am for all the people in blog land that continue to give me support. You mean the world to me and I care for each and everyone of you.

My Loving Daughter

Please pray for my daughter she is very very depressed, I am also worried she is not in a safe situation. Also feel feer to visit and encourage her at http://alicescomplicatedlife.blogspot.com/

I Read Too Much About Death Today

Three blogs I have read today talked about death of a young person. It seems to me the enemy is working overtime to cause pain in people lives through the death of a love one. I don't understand why the young must die,before they even have a chance to experience life. I do know the pain in losing a child. I am trying so hard to make sense of these things. You see I have always believed God could and does heal. What I can not figure out is why sometimes He does not do this. The verse"All things work out for the good of them that love the Lord". I just don't see how there is any good in a premature death. I know God knows how I feel, but I have never come out and just asked Why? I don't think I will ever know. My heart breaks for the parents of these children. Maybe my faith should be stronger.I don't believe any "religion" has all the answer correct. I seen so much pain and abuse, suffered from mental illness, seen my children suffer from mental illness. Still I have to believe there is a God that loves us, because I believe He talks to me. I have been asked how I can even believe in God with all the bad things that have gone on in my life. It is a choice. I chose to believe there is more to life than just this world. I have been crying like a baby, because I know how hard it has been for me to hold on to this believe and know others that have been so badly hurt that they just can not believe. For those of you that have followed my blog for awhile know I struggle with suicide. self harm, eating disorder, and many other "mental health issues". I'm sure there are those that think I'm crazy as a loony,but I do know that what I have lived and felt gives me a deep feeling of love and concern for others.

Some Good And Some Bad

My eyes are improving everyday. I had the second surgery Tuesday and there has already been some improvement in my vision. My sister-in-law paid to fix the steps up to my mobile home because they were unsafe. I am very grateful for the help the church has given me when I could not see to drive. These are some things to be thankful for. Therapy on the other hand is not going that well. I'm trying. I really am. I try to think of the good things, but I still hurt so badly about losing Chris. I believe Jesus is telling me he is safe in His arms, but I miss him so much. I keep thinking I should be farther along than I am. My therapist therapist thinks I need more grief counseling,but I really can't afford it and I don't really think it will help. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. The abuse was hard,but this has been worst. I want to stop crying and remember all the joy he brought to my life.

Thanks Mike!

I just got this to day from Mike and I want to pass it on to all of you out there that keep me going!

I Slipped Up

I did something I haven;t done in months. I went on an eating binge then purged. I have been restricting for a while, but I became so stressed over more bad news I just lost control. I feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. Today is a new day so I will try to do better. I have a early morning surgery on my right eye. I am waiting for my ride to the hospital.l right now it will go fine. My left eye is great and I;m already seeing better.

Maybe I'm Not That Bad

I beginning to believe (just a little bit) maybe who I am is not all that bad. I have always had so much self hatred. I was never good enough. I was too fat, too ugly, not smart enough, and not worth loving. I still struggle with these lies. These are messages from my past. It takes a long time to "unlearn" these messages. The voices can some times be so loud I want to hurt myself or just end it all. The real trick is to hold on, one day at at a time until I can learn the truth. I want to believe someday I will no longer be uncomfortable with who I am. Healing can be slow, but I do believe it is worth the work. I know there are some things that will never change. I will always be bipolar and may be always struggle with food issues. I will try each day to think something positive about myself. It is a path to healing that I must choose.

Physical Pain

I have been in a lot of physical pain today. My auto immune disease is in full flare right now. I hurt with every movement. In spite of the pain I have been very thankful for the help of people in my life. The days I couldn't drive I had a friend bring me a couple of meals. Little things can mean so much to you when you can't "take care of business." We all need others in our lives. Some times I feel so alone since I have no family in the state. I have been sleeping alot, but I guess I really needed that. I am so thankful for all the encouragement I get from my blogging friends. My best friend doesn't understand why I blog. She also thinks it is dangerous, but I think it is a "life line". Sharing our hopes and are struggles we are bounded together.

Boxed Emotions

For the past few days I have been unable to deal with a flood of emotions I have been having. So as in the past I have "boxed" them up in my mind and not dealing with anything. I am afraid I can not handle what I am feeling, so if they are boxed away I won't have to deal with it right now. It is so hard to do anything . I guess I'm lucky this happen right now after my eye surgery, because I am just not functioning. I am afraid to feel anything right now.

Follow Up Appointment

There is still one place in my eye that may need some laser treatment later on. The type of cataracts I have are more difficult to treat than the "normal" kind. My vision on the eye chart had already improved 1 line so he is very hopeful. I see him again to check that eye one more time before they schedule surgery on the right eye. All in all I think things went well. Seems like there are a lot of eye drops. but seeing is well worth taking. all the drops! I'm a bit worried that I seem hungry all the time. Maybe that will go away soon. My weight was up a little bit this morning so I guess I really have to watch what I eat today. Thank you for all remembering me. I hawe to admit sometimes I'm a chicken at heart.

One Down and One To Go

I just got home from surgery. The doctor said all went well. I'm am still a little groggy. Half of my face is still numb. I think I'm go rest for awhile. Maybe I can get some rest now that it is over for another week until I have the other eye done. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

What a Horrible Day!

Today has been horrible. I meet my new psychiatrist today and we had to go through all my history. He starting me on a new antidepressant, but said it could cause weight gain. I told him I would not take it if it does! He also started talking ECT. Again I said I will never do that again. The side effect were horrible. He kept asking me if I was "safe". I'm depressed. No I'm not going to be all cheerful in his office. Then he started talking about Chris' death. I lost it big time! Don't people get it? He was my son and I loved him with all my heart. Give me a break! He had read my chart before I saw him so he knew I was a basket case. He asked how my chronic pain played into my depression. When you hurt all the time you just aren't jumping with joy. "Do you have a gun in your house?" NO. Gee. Immediately after his appointment I saw my therapist. She told me to "watch it because I was getting too thin" Again since I was already crying she was "concerned" about my safety. Again we talked about Chris and how different my reaction was when I lost my mother. She reminded me that my mother was abusive and that I never really had a love bound with her. Talk about feeling like the scum of the earth. Everybody loves their mother. I guess I never got over some of the things she had done. She reminded me the only real love I have ever know in my life was my children. She also reminded me that the many times I had consider suicide the main reason I never killed myself was the love for my children. Yes I admit suicidal thoughts have been going through my mind the last few weeks, but I could NOT put Alice through losing her brother and mother all in the same year. Both my therapist and psychiatrist said they could understand why my faith in God was shaken, but admired me for still holding on. After crying for two hours in therapy, I had to go find out what time my surgery is tomorrow. I had to wait around that office for over an hour to get my eye marked and my surgery time. I guess I just tried to do too much in one day. My surgery time is 9:45 tomorrow please remember me and forgive me for all this ranting.

Confused

I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. Anxiety, confusion, and very unsure of myself. I see my new psychiatrist in about 2 hours and I'm not looking forward to that at all. I am really tired of being so messed up and just don't want to go through the whole thing again with another person. The depression has been bad. I try to act like I'm OK, because I think that is what is "expected" of me. Be strong. Be brave. I wonder if I'm getting better. I feel like I'm in a fog. I'm just stumbling through life right now. Maybe this guy will be OK. I have a hard time talking with men, so that's increaseing my anxiety. I'm letting him know up front I will never have ECT again, no matter how bad the depression is. I have to go to the eye doctor after the appointment to get the surgery time for tomorrow and my eye marked. Thank you all for being here with me. You have really help me and I do so appreciate it.

Touch

Touch and loving is something we all need. If we have been physically or sexually abuse as a child we don't know how to respond to touch. We don't know how to give love in this way. Our whole being cries out for it, but we are afraid of it. Trust is damaged. It can even effect our trust in a God who loves and cares for us. Each time we reach out there is fear. Will we be hurt again? I'm not "good enough" to deserve love of any kind. Damaged. I have noticed when someone wants to hug me I pull away. It is fear. Fear of being hurt again. We make it hard for people to get close. I know I'm working on this. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to feel kindness and goodness. I want to know that I am OK.

Tried To Eat

I tried to eat some lunch today and it made me sick. It was shrimp and I was only able to take a couple of bites. What a waste of money $10 for two bites of shrimp and a diet coke. I thought if I ate something maybe I would feel better. Besides I was worried about having to weigh in at doctor's office Monday. I lost a few more pounds and I don't think he going to be too happy. Believe me I'm not skin and bones, but I have loss way too much weight too fast. You see once I started lossing I became obessed with it. You would think at my age I would know better. Controling my intake seemed like a better option than cutting myself, which I am really struggling with. I am so tired of being"sick". I just want to be normal and happy with who I am. I'm so tired of being depressed. It just sucks the life out of you. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Getting a Cold

I appear to be getting a cold. Sneezing, coughing and body aches. I called to see if that would make a difference about my surgery on Tuesday and the nurse said not to worry about it that everything should be OK. I'm really tired. I guess I'm just not sleeping that well. I meet my new psychiatrist Monday and also have a meeting with my therapist. Then surgery on my left eye Tuesday. I sure hope I'm feeling better soon. It is even painful to type. Have a great weekend everyone!

I Neeed This

This picture was sent to me a few minutes ago and I wanted to share it with all my friends that are also struggling.

Struggling

I was told I would have those days when I would really struggle with Chris' death. Even after things had been going along pretty good for a while. I know I'll never be completely over his loss. Days like today are almost unbearable. Everything in this house reminds me of him. If I could just hold him in my arms one more time and tell him how much I love him. I know my life is going on, but it just isn't the same without him. I need to go through some of his DVD'S and mail some to his sister. I know she would enjoy them, but not today. Since I can't stop crying, I guess I'll stop typing for now. Chris' best friend was the one on the right (Ken).

Today

My Autoimmune Disease must be really messed up right now. I'm in a lot of pain and very fatigue. I know my last lab work did not come back all that good. With my up coming eye surgeries they did not want to change too many of my medicine. Today turned out to be a busy day. I just can't do too may "busy" days in a row. I hoping for a good night sleep tonight. I found a mistake in my checking account. Both my old insurance and my new insurance have been deducting a payment,so I had to get that taken care of today. I had my eye appointment and was totally out of food so I had to go to the store. Someone from the church is dropping by shortly to see if he can fix a bad place in my deck. Well another day almost done.

I'm Exhausted!

I didn't sleep well last night and today was my day to volunteer at SPCA. I only help out 4-5 hours in the office but that is exhausting to me. I did spend some time in the cat room. One jumped up on my back all the way by my neck. I didn't think I was going to get that little fellow off me. I really needed to go to Wal Mart , but that will have to wait until tomorrow. I get fitted for my lenses tomorrow. They have to do an A scan and that will take about 40 minutes or so.

Abuse or Curse?

Did abuse or is my family just cursed cause all the problems? My sister E has had two cancer surgeries. Her son is now in prison for "three strikes your out"rule for petty drug use. Alcoholism runs in my family. My brother E struggles with alcoholism and had a twenty one year old son commit suicide. My youngest brother W a recovering alcoholic is sickly also. He has an autistic son and another child that was sexual molested. What did mental illness and abuse have to do with how this family turned out? My sister's son like myself is bipolar. You have heard my story from childhood abuse, mental illness, loss of health,marriage to an abusive pedophile,my daughter's abuse ,and the loss of my own son. I still feel guilty over Chris' death.Like I was somehow to blame. I'm very tired. I have never turned a way from what ever has come up, but I'm beginning to wear down. I keep holding on. God please hold me up, because I can not go on in my own strength.

In loving memory of those whose lives were forever changed on 9/11.

Unsure

I'm feeling so unsure of myself the last few days. I'm afraid to make a move right or left. I don't have a plan. Even in the worst of times I have had a plan, but right now I just don't know what to do next. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping. Don't get me wrong I'm very glad my therapist was there for me when Chris died,but I don't seem to be able to put in words what is going on in my mind. I know I'm withdrawing more and more. I can't seem to take care of business. I'm just not functioning. I just don't know what to do. The painting above I make a few years ago. It showed that in the worst of life's storms there was always a light. I just can not find it right now!

Suicide Prevention Day

So many lives are loss each day to suicide. My family has experienced what suicide of a love one can do. Many of us suffer from depression and other mental illnesses. We need to hold each other up. I myself have attempted suicide and totally believe no matter how bad things seem, life is a much better option. Love and support someone today. The National Suicide Prevention number is posted on my side bar if you are ever feeling that is the only answer. I have called there myself and they will find you help.

This and That

I want to apologize for not getting around to everyone blog or even posting myself. I am having a real hard time seeing the computer. Also please forgive any typos.

I saw my therapist today and she is very concerned that I'm not getting enough nutrition. I on the other hand was very happy because the pair of jeans I had to buy today were 4 sizes smaller than what I wore at this time last year. She feels my grief with Chris is getting a little better, but did not feel like I was well enough to deal with the sexual abuse issue. She warned me that the holidays were going to be really rough. Like tell me something I don't know.

I will be glad to get this eye surgery done because it is really getting scary how fast my vision is going down hill. I can hardly see the computer and can no longer see street signs. I live alone so I have got to be able to get around!

It Night Time Again.

It is night time again and I'm wide awake. I guess the truth is I'm afraid of night time. Most of the bad things that ever happen to me happened at night, or at least before the dawn of morning. My friend says having a gun at her bedside makes her feel safe. Can't you just see that? A severely depressed bipolar with a gun. I won't even keep sharp objects in my house because I do not trust myself. I long to feel safe, but have yet to find a way to do this. You see Chris even died before dawn. I hate night. That is when all the abuse took place. At least that is what I remember. The words of a song that was going through my head was "Count your blessing inside of sheep". I try so hard,yet I feel like such a failure. I wish I could just relax and sleep at night, Fear and anxiety are terrible things. The drugs they have given me in the past only make me sleepy the next day and I still have trouble at night. I will mess around on my computer a bit longer then try again to go to sleep.

Happy Labor Day

Happy Labor Day everyone. Hope you have had a good day. I've been a slug today. No energy. I guess I needed the rest. There is a nice cool breeze outside. I pulled a few more weeds today, but my heart wasn't in it. I discovered a place on my deck that I'm going to have to get fixed. UGH more money. I got to talk to my "baby" brother late last night. We are the emotional ones in the family. It was sure good to hear his voice. This is going to be a busy month with a lot of doctor appointments. I think that is all I'll be doing is running from one doctor to another. Again I hope everyone had a great Labor Day!

Enough Is Enough

Enough is enough! I have had my share of bad things happen. I've seen sexual abuse destroy both mine and my daughter lives. I believe evil is a very real thing, but I therefore believe that the opposite must also be true. It is a battle. My trust has been severely damaged, but I must not give up. I hurt emotionally and physically almost everyday of my life. We need each other. We need to be able to say I care about you. I miss Chris terribly.I don't know why he was taken so young with so much to live for. I so gladly would have given my life for him. I don't know if I will ever understand why things have been like they have. I do believe with the help of God I can over come. I have to hold on to this. I wish I had never married my ex husband. If I had only know he was a pedophile. I would have saved Alice from a lot of pain. I am glad he is in prison serving 50 years for what he has done. Maybe some think I am wrong and unforgiving. He has hurt so many including my own children. My step dad never served a day for what he did, but he died early. Maybe that was his just reward. Maybe I am bitter. I do not mean to be. I'm just so sad most of the time. I believe people can heal with therapy and God's help. It is sometimes much slower than we want. I have had enough for me and my family. It is time for something good to happen and I'm going to do as much as I can to make that true.

No Whining Today

I promised myself I would do a post without whining. I've been up and done a little more this morning. I have cut down some weeds. Took my ex sister in law to pick up a rental car and went to visit Chris, I've worked a little bit on picking up the house. My daughter spirits where better last night when I talked to her. I'm still concerned she is being used by these people that promised her a truck. She got a new game on line to play. Her computer is her life line since she has such difficulty walking. I am suppose to go with my sister in law tonight to listen to some gospel music. I really enjoy music and this should be a good break. I meet my new neighbor and he seems really nice. I have not meet his wife yet because they are not totally moved in. That lot has been vacant for almost a year. He told me they had two dog so they would be putting up a fence. Well that has been my day thus far. See I can actually post without whining!

Over Whelming Loneliness

I'm having trouble sleeping tonight and I am filled with a over whelming sense of loneliness. I feel so alone although I know this is not really true. Maybe it's the empty house. The loss of laughter here. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I try to type what I am feeling. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the night. I will try to cuddle my blanket and pretend all is well. I must learn how to comfort myself, but it is so hard to do. I have tried praying. Remembering kind acts, but still I feel so alone. I'm so lonely it actually cause pain in my chest. I will try again to find a peaceful place in my mind and try to go to sleep.

Scary

It's really scary how fast my vision is decreasing. I found today I can no longer read street signs until I'm right on top of them and still sometimes I can not read them even then. My surgery is set up for the first eye on Sept 21 and the second eye on Sept 28. I hope I can still see by that time. I just got home from the SPCA. They had this one cat there that really had an attitude when it was with the rest of the cats, but it was as sweet as can be when it was allowed out of the cat room by himself. The little dog that they say is not adoptable because he snaps at people is starting to get to know me and let me pet him today. I really do enjoy the animals. My cats can always tell when I've been around the other animals. I'm having trouble eating again. I guess when I have a lot going on I just have those "old" problems again. I saw a friend that I had not seen since Chris' memorial service and she barley recognized me because of how much weight I've lost. Funny thing is I still want to lose more. My best friend is gripping at me because she know me and my food issues too well. On the bright side a friend of mine gave me a beautiful framed 8x10 of Chris' with some of his friends. It really meant a lot to me.

Mood Is Unsable

I don't usually blog twice in one day, but my mood is all over the place. I'm crying and I feel like throwing stuff. I'm trying to control these crazy thoughts I'm having. One hour at a time. It's almost time for bed, but I'm really anxious on top of the depression. I wish I could settle down. I know this is all part of being bipolar and being under stress. I will NOT do anything stupid even though that is what I feel like. Tomorrow will be a new day and just maybe my mood will stabilize. It's also raining here which seem to effect my moods. But we really need the rain. Oh I am rambling so I guess I will end this post.

Stressed To The Max

I am stressed to the MAX! I have too much going on. My finical situation really sucks right now. I have some legal problems going on. I continue to worry about Alice. I have my up coming surgery for my cataracts on Sept 21 & Sept 28. I know it a command surgery, but I'm still very nervous about it. I am so tired all the time and yet to know the reason why. Going to do some volunteer work tomorrow at the SPCA. My eyes are really hurting today after all the testing they did. It is kind of hard to see. I hope things settle down soon.

Eye Appointment

I am very glad I made this appointment. They discovered I have a unusual form of cataracts. Very fast growing. I need to schedule surgery ASAP. He said if I don't get this done very soon I would be blind in 6 months. I had notice my night vision was very bad which is the first sign. I am so glad I made the appointment.

Alice is Safe

Alice is safe and talking has help calm her down some. I worry so much about her depression and she is so far away. I've talked to her this morning and she got a good night sleep, which helps. If she had been living in the city with me I would have gone and taken her to the hospital. I am having her boyfriend keep a good eye on her. I did not sleep well last night because I was so worried about her. My handyman is here finishing up the job on my shed. I have an eye appointment latter this afternoon. I have got to go to the store because I'm out of everything. Thank you for all your support. I don't know what I would do without my online friends!

Urgent Prayer Request.

Oh please pray for my daughter. She is talking about killing herself. Oh God I can NOT loss her.

Why Am I Here?

My life has been a rough one. I have seen and felt so much pain. I know I am here to love and care for others. Just maybe some of the things I have been through can allow me to understand others better. One thing I do know is we need each other. We need to love and support one another. Life can be so unfair. Depression can crush your spirit. I fight it everyday. I know some of my blogging friends are struggling. I so understand your pain and want to support you in anyway I can.

Computer Problems

Yesterday I spent about 4 hours on the phone with tech support trying to get a problem worked out with my computer. If Chris had been here he could have fixed it in less than a hour! He was so good with computers. Anyway it is up and running again, so I guess that is the important thing. I'm waiting on a handyman to come and do some repairs. More money that I don't have, but the trailer park insist that I have the repairs done or I'll be evicted. I don't know how much more stress I can take! I have some legal paper work I'm working on. Things sure are complicated right now.

Night Time Is Hard

Seems like night time is the hardest part of my day. I talked with my daughter and she is doing a little better. I hope this person is not just messing with her head. The offer about this truck sounds too good to be true and I have usually found when something sounds too good to be true it is. Of course I am not the most trusting person in the world, but also very protective of my kids. I decided to get up and blog instead of just soaking my pillow with tears. My mind keeps jumping from Alice to Chris. Not a very good place to be. I recently read some of my older blogs and I am slowly getting better. Grief is a very strange thing. You just never know what is going to trigger a break down. I went and saw Chris today and that always makes me sad. I talk to him about everything that is going on. Of course I cry and tell him how much I love him several times during our visits. I have both Chris' and Alice's cats and they don't get along and they fight. I don't know what I'm going to do about that. I have really got to pull myself together,because I have some important business matters to take care of in the next few weeks. Every time I start to work on them I find myself so distracted. It is so frustrating. I'm feeling a little better since I have been blogging. The house is so quiet it gives me the creeps. I really need to try to get some sleep. Well I'm not asleep yet so I'm adding more. I'm questioning if I let the doctors do the right things when Chris was in the hospital. You think they know best,but do they really? He was on a ventilator most of the time,so I don't think he was in pain. He was deeply sedated. I wonder if he heard my words when I spoke and sang to him. Could he feel my touch? This post is just coming from all the things going through my head as I try to go to sleep.

Worried About My Daughter

My daughter is really depressed right now and I am very worried about her. She tries to see the best in people and is often hurt by them. She has been crying all day. She is on antidepressants, but they don't take away the hurt that a person causes. I wish I could take away her pain. She feel God has abandoned her and even hates her. Her faith is totally gone. I hate the depression monster. It destroys so many lives. I am fighting hard myself with depression right now. Sometimes even one minute at a time seems like too much.

Loss Time

I have a total loss of memory for 3-4 months (Feb-June). I don't remember being admitted to the hospital , but my therapist says I was in patient. I don't remember consenting to the ECT, but apparently I did. I don't remember appointments I had with my other specialist. What upsets me the most is I can not remember the songs that were played at my Son's memorial service. I have shed so many tears the last several months and continue to cry almost everyday. If they are bottled in heaven it must be getting full. I'm resting on a verse. Blessed are they that morn for they shall be comforted. My friend is doing better which is good.

Friend Suffering

One of my on line friends is really suffering from depression. She was talking about suicide. We all need to hold her up and support her. I have grow quite close to her and don't want anything bad to happen. Seems every minute I don't hear something the more anxious I am getting.

Therapy

I saw my doctor for the last time today. It will be a month before I see the new guy. I also saw my therapist today. I actually got sick and had to leave the session and vomit. She was talking about a lot today, but I could not handle talking about Chris today. My emotions are on edge. I can't say I'm depressed. I just don't seem to care about anything. A friend of mine was in town today and we didn't get a chance to hook up because his meetings and my appointments were in conflict. That makes me really made me sad. He was my former pastor and now is an insurance salesman. We were very close and it hurt really bad when he moved out of the city. My doctor reduced one of my medicine to help with the sleepiness . Like I said it might just be because I don't care about anything. I guess I really do care about my friends and family. I talked with my daughter today and she is not sleeping. I told her to call her doctor to see if he could give her something to help her get some sleep. I am so numb right now. I hate it when I get like this. These are the times I want to self injure. Weird it is not when I'm depressed, but when I feel nothing. I'm going to lie down for a while so I don't do anything stupid.

I'm Back

Just like hot check I have returned. I have two appointment tomorrow and I hope they can figure out why I'm so droopy all the time. I no energy at all. I'm just know I'm tired of being like this all the time. I have so much stuff I need to be doing and I just can't make myself do it! I have got to get on line and check out my financial stuff. Disablility is just not enough to make it on. I know I'm rambling but I have really missed my on line friends.

Gone for A Few Days

I'm going to be gone for a few days. Just a little rest. I'll see you all when I'm back. Hugs.

Love

Many people find love at a very early age. Their parents love and protect them. This was not the case in my life I didn't learn what love was for a long time. I thought when I got married this was love, only to find out I was in a very abusive situation. I know many people find love at this time of life, I just wasn't lucky. I became pregnant and felt a new life growing inside me. I knew then I had found real love. When they told me my baby may not make it I knew I would give my own live to save my baby. I was willing to give up everything so my child could live.We almost neither made it. There were some abnormalities which later cause her own personal distress. My love never died. It was steadfast through all the hardship. My second child was born. A healthy male. I watched him become a wonderful young man. His first job, his first car(a white convertible),and his first girlfriend. Then I had to watch him develop a severe anxiety disorder. He became afraid to leave the house. He worked on line for a computer company and lived with me. He was only 27 when he died and a big part of me died with him that day. I found love in my children. Love is being willing to die to save the one you love. Does God feel that away about me? I would have never done anything to hurt Alice or Chris. Does God know how much I hurt? GOD I HURT!

Still Feeling Drugged

I'm still feeling drugged and weak. I've been able to do a few things today, but have to rest a lot. I'm worried about starting on the medication on the weekend. I don't know how I'm now to get the doctor on call and an not sure the pasted on any information anyway. I might just take less of a dose of the medicine to be on the safe side. This was a really bad week and I don't want to go though it again

Ciritcal Lab Values

I finally got the results why I was feeling so badly. I had two critical lab value. I am home trying flush out my system.. I should be feeling better in a day or so. When they adjusted my medicine the forgot to take in account my weight loss. I couldn't get anyone to listen to me which is very scary. Thank you for all your concern. This bi polar disorder may kill me yet.

Falling

I fallen three times today. I don't know if it is a side effect of the increase Dapoke or just pure weakness from the heat, I put in a call to my doctor to see what she has to say. I'm due for a blood level Friday. If I'm not feeling better soon I'm going to try to get some one to tale me to the minor emergency center.

Update

She had two stints put in and is feeling better. She is complaining about the hospital food which is always a good sign. I'm still really feeling sick and having trouble keeping anything down. I'm really too weak to drive to the doctor,but if I'm not any better tomorrow I will really consider it anyway.

Sicker Than A Dog

I'm am so sick I don't know if you will see me too much on line. I'm so weak I can hardly walk across the floor. I don't know if it's the stress, heat, or abnormal autoimmune labs are causing the problem. So if you don't see me around that's why.

I'm Very Tired

Just wanting to hear is hard. It's is exhausting. Being miles away doesn't help.They can't have there cell phones on,so its a waiting game. I know things just happen,but I calling "uncle". It's time for sometime good to happen! I'M SO TIRED! My emotions are drained.

Peggy

Peggy's oxygen levels are not stabilizing very well. This scares me to death because that is how Chris's down fall started. I know in my head things aren't the same, but I'm really scared.

Update.

My sister in law is still in ICU. Critical conduction but expected to pull out. Thank you for all your prayers. I really don't trust hospital much since the death of my Son. Today is my daughter and my birthday. She is so far away! We have talked, but I miss her so. This is also my first birthday since Chris's death. This has really been a hard day so far. I'm suppose to go to a religious concert with my x- husband sister tonight. I don't know how that is going to work out considering my emotional state. For lunch I bought a piece of apple pie for my birthday. It made me sicker than a dog. I think it is the first thing sweet that I have eaten since Chris's death. It sounded so good, but boy am I paying for it now. Right Happy Birthday. If the rest of the holidays are like this, I want to find a hole to hide in.Continue to pray for our family. There is a lot of stress right now. WE Need help up because we are getting beaten down to the point I fear we will never get up.

Prayer Request

My brother's wife has just suffered a heart attack and needs our prayers.

Crying

Crying my eyes out. Knowing I must hold on. It will be better. There are people that love me. I know this. Death is NOT the answer. Oh God hear my cries. I have to listen to my own words. Words that I have spoken to others. You are worth it. Don't give up! The mental anguish feels more than I can bear. Keep telling yourself you are worth it. Talk to someone. Reach out for help. Never give up. Think of your wonderful daughter, friends, and love ones. You are not alone.

Crashing

I'm crashing and crashing hard. I helped at the SPCA today and really had a hard time concentrating. At least the kitten were cute. They got in a large group last night and they were playing up a storm. Right now I afraid of myself. I'm try to stay safe but really am having a hard time. I waiting on a call back from my therapist. I know I can do this. I've been through this so many times. I hate it when the medicine doesn't seem to help. These are terrible feelings. I hate this! I just have to remember it will pass.

Rapid Cylcling Bipolar

Being a rapid cycling bipolar can be exhausting! That is what has been happening the past few days. My doctor is raising my dose of Valproate Acid to off set the raised dose of the antidepressant. I feel like a walking pharmacy! I know she is just trying to control the mania. I got bad news that she will be leaving her office practice at the end of the month. She got a promotion to be the head of the in patient eating disorder program. I'm happy for her, but not looking forward to finding a new doctor. I will see her one more time before she leaves. She ordered some labs on me to have done before my next visit with her. She wanted to know if I wanted I to see the doctor that does the ECT. I said no way because he would want to do it all the time. I just think it has too many side effects for the good it does. Besides the effects only last a short time and it is just not worth it. It's still over a 100 degrees which is miserable. When it's that hot all you can do is stay in the house. I'll try to think cool thoughts the rest of the day.

I'm a Mess

I'm manic, broke and still grieving. I am a mess! It's 104 degrees and too hot to do anything. I got up real early and went to Wal Mart, took two large bags of stuff to the Goodwill, and got gas. I have been cleaning a bit on the house. I should of know with all the racing thoughts this was coming on. I hate it when I get like this and don't have any money. I'm going to try and stay out of trouble by staying in the house. I've set in my Son room and just thought about him and how much I wish he was here. Mine and my daughter birthday is Saturday and I'm really going to miss being with her. We have shared our birthday together for 30 years and now she will be so many miles away from me. Of course I'll call her, but it won't be the same. I know I am rambling, but that is just the way my mind is today. Hope to see some of my blogging friends drop by.

Can't Sleep

Another night where I can't sleep! This is getting old. I got up did some cleaning hoping that would help me relax enough to fall asleep. No luck so far. I just hate it when I can't shut my mind down. I've taken my nerve medicine, but it's not helping. Maybe if I lay down again I'll have better luck. I hate it when my mind is going a 100 miles per hour. Let me try to think peaceful thoughts.