Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.

New Therapist

I finally got in to see my new therapist today. I have already had to make a contract with her not to quit if things become uncomfortable, because she would back off and work on some thing else for a while. Just from the basic interview questions she said we had a "plate full" to work on. She had to work me in on a lunch hour next time to get me in as soon as she wanted to see me back, and that impressed me. I booked up with her ever two weeks through October now. I did tell her about the flash backs and the lost block of time and they were not related to drinking in any way. She seemed interested. Maybe this is going to work. I told her I really needed some extra support right now and she agreed. I am hopeful this is the right step. I am trying to work on my problems,so that can't be all bad.

Questions about Birthdays

Why are birthday so hard if you have been abused? My oldest child and I share the same birthday tomorrow and I can not get excited about it. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach a lot of bad memories. Having my child on my birthday was a wonderful memory. At the time I did not know I was married to a pedophile. It was much later that I found out I had married my worst nightmare.( He is now serving 50 years in prison and was my X at the time we found out.) I have hear others say that their birthdays are hard. Is it because we were not wanted? Is it remembering bad days on our birthdays? Is it just the lack of love we felt? Does anyone know what makes birthdays so bad?

My Sister

My sister isn't going to get to come and visit because she got some bad news on her medical report. My sister is 4 years younger than I am and has some serious health issues. She just found out she has 4th stage renal disease. She is getting set up with a specialist to see what type of treatment plan she will need to be on and the prognosis. She is so young to be so sick. My sister has always been my memory to my past. She lived with my Grandmother instead of my Mom and Step dad. All of us kids have some kind of problems from our past. It just seems unfair that health has to be another problem. Please pray that the renal disease is still treatable. This could be very very serious.

Thank You

Well I'm feeling better now. I don't know if it was because I was trying to stretch my mood stabilizers until I got paid or what caused this depression to be so bad. Anyway I'm back on the correct dosage of medicine and am feeling much better. I do want to thank all the kind words of encouragement and prayers. I don't think I'll be trying something that stupid again in the near future. It is not unusual for me to have a period of depression after a manic episode, but this one was way out of control. Today is the first day without tears. Yeah! I did decide not to go to a church member funeral today,because I thought it might be pushing myself too much. I did not know her real well so I thought it would be better to take care of myself. I also got a call from my doctor saying some of my lab work was really off, which could have also have made the depression worst. Stacy was wanting us to come up with something funny or happy, since I can't think of anything funny,so here is my happy news. I lost 69 lbs:)

I'M OK

JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I OK. I TRY TO WRITE MORE TOMORROW.

Interrupted

Earlier this evening as I set holding a bottle of pills in my hand and my phone range. I didn't pick it up then my cell rang which interrupted what I was thinking of doing. It was a friend, she knew I was depressed, but I don't think she knew how depressed I was. I had been crying and thinking I just could not take it any longer. After talking to her I realized that I could not let him win. I am just so tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the body memories. I'm hoping the therapist I see on August 7,2008 will help. I feel if I can not get some of this out I'm going to die. I am trying some of the tips from Dr Deb post on flashbacks. Trying to keep grounded is the hardest. My son doesn't understand this at all, which makes me feel bad. I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything.

Daddy's Home "Triggering"

When Daddy came home, I pulled my blanket to my chin. I shut my eyes tight to look like I am asleep.But then he would close the door behind him. The touch he brought was oh so rough and
caused great pain. I tried to make it all go away. I begged Daddy please stop, it hurts I cried. He would keep going until he was satisfied Not hearing my cries or seeing my pain. He only cared his needs were met. Not that my life will now forever be changed. " the littles"

Manic Trip

Being manic can sure get you in trouble, but can also be fun if you don't go broke. I have a friend that is very bad for me when I manic, because she has money and I don't. Any way we took off on a 8 hour drive to Grace Land to see where the King had lived. We walked, talked, ate, and did every thing but sleep. No she is not bi-polar, but I kept her awake. The next day we go to the strip and gamble. Big mistake. Should not be there when you are manic. My feet are not even close to touching the earth. Drinks were free,but I only had one,but I was acting totally silly.My mouth was running a 100 miles per hour, so again we had little sleep. Beside that we got lost finding the motel . Day 3 was a repeat of day 2, I am still wired and can not sleep. We have a 8 hour drive the next day. We got home safely. I don't think she wants to take me any where else when I'm manic ever again. She slept 12 the next day and has had to take a nap ever day since the trip. I am finally not manic and I am hoping I don't have a major depression coming around the corner. Yes I did spend too much money.

Picture for my Bedroom

TRIGGER WARNING

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of his sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Today I was working on a painting for my bedroom. Just some pretty flowers that match my Victorian room and I started thinking about my heart real desire to some how get the message out to prevent child abuse. I'm thinking about trying to put this poem on canvas. The horror the molested and abused child feels. Words can not real show the fear the child feels. Only an abused child's eyes can see this horror. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this,but I have a real strong feeling about it. I feel I really must let this child speak on canvas.

I haven't been feeling well so I haven't written in a while. I had a flare up of the lupus symptoms and have been in a lot of pain. I doing better now. I pick up a few more art supplies for my next project. As soon as I can use my hands again I'll start on my next piece. My mood has been more stable, but when I said that this morning my son had a big belly laugh. He said he never seen anyone change as quickly from one mood to the next as I do. WELL!!!! I guess he told me! Hopefully I feel better next week and can do more.

Light in Darkness

Art Class

I've have been thinking about possibly taking a course in oil painting here are two of my paintings. Do you think it is some thing I might try or should I just keep painting on my own and see where it goes?

Unexpected Acts Of Kindness

After a long period of rough times one of the best feelings is to have a series of unexpected acts of kindness to happen all in the same day. To get a hug from a friend, to receive a phone call telling you that you are not alone, to receive a unexpected gift, an e-mail from a friend you hadn't heard from in along time, and last but not least encouragement from your blogging friends. This was a day I needed. I cried,laughed,and went to sleep in peace.

My Sister Is Coming

My 1/2 sister is coming on the 22nd and I am having emotion from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm very busy doing all the things you do when you have out of town guest coming. Deep cleaning the house and trying to plan so every thing will be perfect. But on the other hand I'm having apprehensive thoughts about the past. When I was very young I started having 'black outs" with "lost periods of time". At 18 I had a complete break down, was put in the hospital, wiped out my past, and then left home. I soon married believing I was a virgin and we tried for several years to get pregnant. I was told my internal organ were messed up and I might never have children,but I got pregnant. After the birth of my child I start having frequent "blackouts" and "waking nightmares". I was placed in a mental hospital and diagnosed with PTSD with dissociation. I called my sister who could not believe I did not remember the repeated rapes by my step dad. So you see I am worried about stirring up the memories. My step dad was cruel as well as sexually abusive. All of my family suffer today from his abuse from years gone by in one way or another.

Hope

I saw my doctor today and she insisted that I see a therapist that specializes in PTSD who also has a background with Eating Disorders. I can't get in to see her until August 7th, but I think this might really help.(I'm on her cancellation list for a sooner appointment) I have to see the doctor again in two week. She has added Xanax routinely every day and a BP medicine at night,which is to help with the nightmares. My doctor also told me to call her if I needed to be seen sooner and she would work me in. All in all I feel I have a safety net now,

Dark Memories

Dark memories still fill my mind each day,
Like the fog in the damp and the cold.
They take me to dark places,
How can memories be so bold?

I try to fight these memories of old,
By puling my blanket over my head.
I know when they take me,
I will tremble in fear and dread.

How these memories from so long ago,
Still trouble me so deeply, even my soul?
Only a child then, these memories still have a hold.
To take me to dark places no one should go.

I try to rewrite new memories each day.
I look for new joy in all the good thing that I see.
But at night in the darkness, these memories try to stay.
Someday these dark memories,will have no hold over me. Wanda Arthington

SAFE

I just want to let everyone know I am safe. Still in pain, but safe. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm falling apart right now. I'm having frequent flashbacks, feeling of wanting to harm myself and I can't stop crying. I'm in physical pain.My support system has collapsed.Oh God I wish this would just stop. I see my doctor on the 3rd. I hope I can hold on that long. If I would call the clinic tonight they would send the police to have me admitted and I can't afford that.I am going to find a safe place and hold my teddy bear until these feelings pass.

Flashback

"trigger warning" My sister coming to visit has trigger some memories and causes me to have some dreams and now a feeling flashback. My sister helped me remember a lot of my lost childhood memories. The flashback hit me fast last night.So fast I could not get any one for help. Curled up in a fetal position I felt his cold rough hands pulling my hands and legs away from my body. A sharp sting cross my face as the taste of blood fills my mouth. Again I feel his rough hands pulling on my pj bottoms.I pull back and hang on to them tightly until I feel another burning slap on my mouth and more bloody taste fills mouth. I shut my eyes and leave. Kicking and screaming a small voice fights his tightening grip. Then the pain down there. So much pain. Sobbing and praying this would end. Icky hot stuff all over my leg as he moans and groans. It didn't happen. Sobbing and shaking mes knows it happened again.

Five Positive Things

1. My doctor saved me $55.00 by giving me sample antibiotics for my upper respiratory infection.
2. My little sister called last night and she is coming to visit me for 5 days in July. It's been 4 years since we seen each other.(jumping for joy!)
3. My car is running good for the first time in over a year.
4. I didn't get any bills in the mail today.
5. My son has been very helpful today since I haven't felt well.
   

I'm Angry

I am so angry I can hardly stand it. What has got me so upset? My loss of control over my life. Eighteen months ago I became so sick I could no longer work. At that time I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease (an autoimmune disease similar to lupus). I have had PTSD with dissociation since I was a teenager and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20's. I was able to work with a few hospital admits ,but I had a good job working as a supervisor and making good money. I was a single mother raising two special needs children. Now I am praying I make it from pay day to pay day.OVER ONE HALF of what I earn from SSD goes to medical bills. (drugs and insurance) They say I make too much money to get help from the state with my medical bills. I don't see why we can't get food stamps or something. I've been crying all day because my oldest child ask me for some money for her electric bill and I didn't have any thing to give her. something has to be done to help those that fall between the cracks, You shouldn't have to chose between electric, medicine or food. IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!

LAZY

I'm feeling a bit lazy today. Finally got my car back from the shop, so I had to do some grocery shopping. We were out of everything and I can't live without my diet coke. The car cost more than the tax rebate check so we really got to pinch our pennies for the rest of the month (not like that is something that is real new in this house any way:). There has been so much rain and it has been hot. My allergies are killing me. All I do is cough and it is so hard to breath with my asthma. I just love being so healthy. Oh boy it almost time for dinner. Another weight watcher frozen dinner. Yum. maybe in six more month I will have reached my goal.

WHY

Why do some daddy hurt little girls? Wendy

Tax Rebate Check

Well it seems my tax rebate check came in the mail just in time to repair my car. My car is jumping like a rabbit in heat at every stop light. I think the idle is messed up. I'm hoping to find an honest person to work on the car. The air conditioner is also cutting off and on and with this hot weather that has got to be fixed also. I just thank God the check came so I can get the repairs done. (Hopefully it's enough to cover the cost!) Just kiss that money good bye:)

Ugh

It's raining, the house is clean, I'm broke, there's no gas in the car , and I'm MANIC!

Isolation

I'm not sure how to over come the isolation I feel in my church since we have a new pastor. The minister of music is great, but I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I had requested the pastor call me three times and he never called. I missed several weeks and seem nobody cares.It used to be such a caring place. It makes me so sad. I talked with my good fried PK and she feels something is wrong too. I know I am a person with needs,but church is somewhere you should be able to get your need met. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Child Within

My child with in is hurting badly right now and needs to say some things. I usually don't let her talk, but she helped me when thing where so bad when I was a child and she need to speak now. I have PTSD and Bipolar both are very real and affect my life daily. She holds hidden memories that I'm not strong enough to face. She is my friend.
Hi, my name is Wendy(shuffle feet).The nice doctor wasn't nice. He played a joke on us. He said he care,but did not. He was like daddy. He makes me cry inside. Wanda doesn't believe it. I know he was not nice. I wish Wanda would listen to me. I can tell when some one is going to hurt you . I want to have fun to but you can not trust big men. THEY HURT YOU

I wonder how much the connective tissue disease is is effecting my bipolar disorder. I feel I am come down hard from my manic state,but I'm in so much pain I can barely walk. I have the face and arm rash going on. I'm so depressed now it's terrible. It happens so fast also. I'll try to check in on every one soon . I think of you all a lot.

Honest

I guess I'm just too trusting. I was at a department store yesterday and a clerk told me the price of my bill which I paid in cash. I did not look at the ticket and she charged me $20.00 extra. and pocketed the money. Of course I did not catch it till I got home. I even had a friend with me that heard the clerk do it, but the store would not believe me. It not that $20.00 is a lot of money,but it is just wrong. I live on a fixed income and even if I had lots of money stealing is just something I can't believe someone would do. I guess I'm the biggest goose for being so trusting of people! Lesson learned.

WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?????

Why do I have to be crazy wild without sleep or some kind of spending spree or in some one face or so low I can't lift my head up??? I just feel like crying my eyes out. I want to talk with some one. I am so lonely. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

HOPE

This has really been a rough year for me. So many changes, so many loses, so many tears. I have had to see people I really loved and cared about leave. I have had to stop working due to increased health problems. I have had to try to adjust to living on disability. I have found out that you can't trust some people just because they have a title and are suppose to have your best interest at heart. My faith has been shaken but not broken. My heart wounded, but still is beating on. I live through my past, so I will make it now. I know that everything will work out if I continue to do my part and not give up. I am so thankful for all the support everyone gives me.

OH WHAT FUN WE HAD!

What a few weeks I have had! I did see my Psychiatrist that started me on Tegretol in addition to my Geodon. It did finally stop the manic episode that lasted 9 days. Unfortunately I had a severe reaction to the medication after about 10 days. Hives, blisters and breathing problems. In fact I still have some of the blisters and looks like burns on my skin from the reaction even though I have been on large amount of steroids (which is already starting the hypo mania again!) Needless to say off the Tegretol and up the Geodon. Anyway I doing a bit better for a little while. We will see what happens next. Thanks for checking in on me!

I've been awake for three nights in a row. I'm making terrible decisions. I finally asked my son to keep me in the house so I won't do any thing crazy! My son say I'm too emo right now. I am so hyper my skin is crawling! I hate it when I'm like this. I really do a piss poor job with my money and always get into some type of trouble. If this continues another day I'm going to call my psychiatrist. ANY suggestions to come down from this?

Been out of the loop

I have been out of the loop for a while. My life has been turn upside down and I am trying to put things back in some kind of order. Some good news is I have lost 40 lbs which will help my joint and walking. I having some trouble with the fact that my former psychiatrist lost his licence for being inappropriate with some female patients. My problem is, I don't know what is inappropriate touch for a doctor and a patient. I really liked him and fully trusted him,

Asking for HELP

I've been struggling for some time now and I am exhausted mentally and physically. So much has happen that I just can not pull myself together. I have e-mailed a few people asking for help,but have not received any answers. I feel my life is totally out of control and I don't know where to turn. My new doctor has been really changing my meds around. My mood swings are now rapid and drastic. Can anyone help me understand what is going on and if this is going to get better? Please give me some hope.

Ice Storm

Tulsa had the worst ice storm ever. There were thousand of power outages. We were without power for 5 days and came back up today. It was freezing cold in the house. It was amazing to see everyone working together. There are still thousand of people with out power. the damage to the town has been terrible. I feel very blessed that no trees fell on the house. My dear friend is still without power. I am going to see if she and her family want to come here.

Christmas Time

The Christmas tree is up, packages being wrapped, and time to remember the good times. Some memories are not so good, but I try to think of the times with my children and friends. It is also a time to remember the real reason for Christmas. I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life. Merry Christmas to all my friends!

Better

The doctor has placed me on a second anti depressant as well as the mood stabilizer. We were thinking of putting me in the hospital over Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my blogger friend and others that stood behind me.

Don't Know

I don't know what is wrong with me, but I am really struggling to keep my head above water. This has been one of the longest depression I have had. I see my doctor next week, but even the simplest task are difficult. I'm sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth, but it is simply all I can do to get up and go. I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I'll try to do better.

oh where oh where

I'm posting in my friends absence ...just because I can ....

Oh where oh where has my wanda friend gone ...oh where oh where could she be?
Has she gone off to market to buy her a dog? Oh where ohe where could she be???


Please ...please post dear ... you're missed so mucy I used my access to your blog to hijack a post to tell you just how much you're MISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in the meantime ... Samuel's turned 18 ...Don's been sick ... I've been sick ... and my mamma's fallen off the proverbial rocker ...again.

Please Wanda ... I want my wanda ...

I was twirling my nieces baton today and she said " I never could do that. Where did you learn how to do that?"

Hm, um ..er .. gee ... the FIVE YEARS of BATON lessons you PAID FOR?????to watch me march down the parade????? HELLO????

hmmmmmmmmm

anyway ... I see Dr. G on Monday ...too much to discuss with her ... like my blood tests that show malnutrition in more than one area ...yikes. So much trouble.

I like her. I just miss Dr. Bobblehead.

I miss you.

Are you coming Wednesday ??

Down

Seems like the last few days have been harder and harder to reach out to people. I really need some help dealing with all these emotions right now and I can't reach out to anyone. It may just be a mood swing, but I am so down in the dumps. I just want to stay away from everyone and everything. I know I need to ask for help, but I am too exhausted to try. Does anyone have any suggestions to help get out of this slump?

Mixed Emotions

I'm having mixed emotions about the move. I like the mobile home ,but am feeling a real sense of lost over the house. I'm hoping the house sells soon. We still have to finish cleaning and move some odds and ends, but the main part is done. I'm really tired so this will be a short post.

I'm taking a week off and going out of town. I hoping the change will do me some good. Too many things are changing too fast and I just need a break. Today was my last day with Dr Mitchell. I cried and he hug me and said he would miss me. He invited me to his church, so I might try it some time. I find it so hard to connect to people and trust them. This has been a real rough year for me. It seems it has been one lost after another. I am holding on, but sometimes I don't know how. I guess I just have to believe that God is in control, because my life is sure a mess. I believe there must be angles watching over me to keep me from doing some really stupid stuff. Thank you all for all your support. Maybe after a week off I'll feel better.

I'm feeling exhausted these days. Too many things going on at one time. I think my mood is more stable than it was. I've been cleaning out closets and packing. It is totally amazing what you collect over ten years. I am throwing stuff out right and left. I figure if I haven't used it in two-three years that I don't really need it. I'm hurting like a BIG DOG right now from all the packing. We aren't moving until the first of October, but that is only 5 weeks. My last appointment with my doctor is on the seventh of this month.I am going to miss him something terrible! I so afraid I won't click with the new one which is set up for October. When I slow down I still feel sad, so I'm trying to keep busy and not think about everything.

Change

I'm fighting depression right now due to all the changes in my life. I am really scared about what is going to happen next and if I will be able to stay in touch with reality. I am really struggling with the desire to SI. I know there are people that care about me, but I am pulling into my shell more and more. I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. I can't believe how unsure of myself I am right now. What is wrong with me?

Honest

Right now I am struggling with my life in general. Too many losses in less than a year. I just found out my physician is leaving and I am going to have to find someone else to see. I'm not over losing my pastor yet! Now someone else that I trust is going to be unavailable to me. I'm also going to lose my house. Being on disability is not enough to make the payment. I keep trying to put on a happy face, but I'm not doing too good of job at it. I feel so abandoned. My faith is weak right now. I'm trying to be strong but I'm not quite making it. Maybe it just the time of year for things to be going wrong. I do know I am not alone, but it still feels that way.

It has been wild and crazy in my life. I'm not sure if I am coming or going. I have missed seeing and talking to every body on line. It been really hot here. Over 100 for the last few days. So "HI" and good wishes to everyone!

Normal?

I've been in a manic phase for about two week and am finally coming down. It was "Fun" for a while, but then things started getting bad. Being manic can be a real drag, when you bite every ones head off and do crazy stuff. I'm worried about becoming super depressed next, but my doctor is on top of my medications. It has finally stopped raining here. We have had so much rain my yard was semi flooded for a while. I'll try to get around to everyone blog soon.

Is there ever any stable days in being bi-polar??? Seems I am always either depressed or doing some crazy thing ( like spending money I don't have!) Then after I make some foolish mistakes, I can't get out of bed for days. The Geodon seems to help some, but I am so tired of this. I keep putting my foot in my mouth and say what ever pops into my head. Does anyone have any suggestions??

Tagged With A Story To Tell

This post might be triggering to some, but it is important to tell the story before we respond to the "tag".
We grew up in two separate households. Part of the time we lived with my very abusive Mom and Step dad, part of the time we were with my very religious Grandmother. The different in the houses were night and day, but both were very frighten for us. My oldest brother and younger sister always lived with my Grandmother,where as the youngest brothers always live with the parents.I was pasted back and forth. We feared hell and damnation for the smallest offense. My childhood with my parents was a nightmare of hell on earth. There was sexual,physical, mental,and spiritual abuse. At a very early age I became what was expected of me. Parts of me would rebel only to find totally painful abuse. The abuse was tolerated by separating myself from the pain. Parts of me could not believe that there was a god, however remembering the black figures and the pain made me know there was a devil. The abuse last from the age of 4-16 when thankfully my step dad died. Cold, wounded, and fragmented I could not wait to get out of the house. My ideas of God and Jesus were distorted to say the least. I wanted nothing to do with a "god" that could not protect children. Jesus did not give up on me. He was always there, but we could not see or believe in Him. I now have a Christian doctor and a Christian therapist. My former pastor showed love to a very cold and bitter person. We are healing now. It slow and sometimes painful, but it is happening.

Five things we dig about Jesus.

1. Jesus accepts you just the way you are.
2. You can tell Him your mad at Him, but He still loves you.
3. He understands all your moods and personalities and still loves every part of you.
4. When you are alone you can call His name and feel His presents and comfort.
5. He makes life worth living.

Must not be manic today!

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow. You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles. Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are. You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatcolorisyourbrainquiz/">What Color Is Your Brain?

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,

When my daddy started coming to my door

He said his touch was a special treat,

For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.

The pain I felt was far to deep.

The room felt oh so dark and cold.

Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.

My life would never be the same.

The hate I felt, I turned within.

This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.

No one could see I was all alone.

I never learned to laugh and play.

I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.

He wants to rid me of my shame.

He saw the beauty hidden within.

Jesus is putting me back together again.

Wanda Arthington

I wrote this poem about one year ago and it seems like I'm healing more as time passes. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be a whole and happy person, but I believe it is becoming more of a reality each day. I watched my friends grow and heal and realize it takes time. It is great to know that I'm not a victim anymore and maybe I'm helping someone else too. Together we can make a difference.

Health

Well today I exercised a hour. That is the longest amount of time I've done at one time. (at least recently).I am going to try to do that at least 3 times per week. I know why the first 3 letters in diet are DIE. Fifteen pounds down and way too many more to go. Well at least it's going down for a change! I hoping this will help me feel better, but it is so slow and painful. (lol) My question is how come it take no time to put on 10 lbs, but it takes forever to lose 10 lbs? That just doesn't seem right to me. I want to thank everyone for their input and comments on my blog. I'm feeling a bit better. At least I am a bit more hopeful. May always is a tough month for me. I only need to make it through Father's Day and I will have time for some good days. I see my "T" the day after Father's Day so that gives me a safety net. You can do anything for one day! That's the only way for me some times. One day at a time. Again thanks everyone for being so supportive the last few weeks! Hugs to you all!

Why

I've seen so much happen to good people that I wonder why God allows it. I wonder why my faith seems so weak while other seem to have an unshakable faith. Why can't I feel safe? I believe God cares, yet I can't relax in His arms. I also find it hard to get close to people. Everything is so "surface". I am tired of being so sad. Right now it seems I have two moods: sad or angry. I don't like being angry. I fear anger. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I fear losing control, yet I have no control right now. I don't trust myself. I know I am not alone, yet I feel so isolated. I'm afraid to let anyone get too close. I'm worried about everything. I can't relax. I'm making mistake, having lapses in time. I'm no fun to be with. Where has jolly Wanda went? Do others ever feel like this? I want to help others, but I can not seem to help myself.

A Little Better

Well at least I've been able to get out of bed. I'm so tired of being depressed and anxious. I'm afraid to admit to my doc and T how depressed I really am, because I don't want back in the hospital. I was able to make it to work today, but it took everything I had to do it. I won't be alone this weekend, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure I can handle the stress of trying to be around a draining person. Maybe there is some light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to remember these feeling will go away. Even my faith is shaky now. I just feel the need for someone to take care of me. Isn't that the stupidest thought you have ever heard. A grown woman wanting someone to just take care of things for a little bit. I guess I'm improving because I'm crying now. I want to thank my friends for their support. I haven't felt like going to other blogs and I'm sorry. I'm better than yesterday, so maybe tomorrow will be better. I'm sorry I'm so sad right now. Thanks for understanding.

Mother's Day

As I pulled in my garage I thought of closing the door and letting the car run until I feel into a deep sleep. Why? Thinking about Mother's Day. Everyone having happy thoughts about love and kindness. Mother's Day brings other memories to our mind. Sadness, Betrayal, and Pain. I know it just a day, but I hate it. My own failures are in my face. Love? Yes for my children it is unconditional. Are we so damaged that we harm those we love most. Mother WHY??? Was I not good enough? Was I too ugly? Why did you have us? "A wasted F...K" you said. Will those words ever go away? How could you have given us like an offering to unspeakable abuse. Yes our dad. The only day we hate more than Mother's Day is Father's Day. Strong enough to make it one more time. Must try. Must try. OH God why are some chidren born for abuse? WHY?? Where is the justice? Must be strong to prevent hurt to my children. So much pain! So much pain! IT's just a day to remember.

Rain

It has been raining almost constantly for the last 2 weeks. I'm feeling a little sunshine deprived. You would think being stuck inside would inspire a cleaning spree, but it hasn't. I have been kind of down in the dumps, so I haven't been keeping up with my blogging. I'm starting to pull out of the depression a little bit and am getting a few more things done. It seems when I am depressed I just can't do anything. I've been trying to loose some weight, but it is so difficult. I have been doing some exercise, which should help the mood and weight lost.

Broken Inside

It's raining and cold and my mood seems to match the dark skies. I just decided to write what we are feeling as if no one will read this. There is a deep loneliness that nothing can fill. Yet I isolate from those I call friends. I'm not to sure why anyone would want to be my friend. I feel I have so little to offer. I hurt when others around me hurt and can feel their pain, but seem to have little to give others. So many voices inside of me tell me it not worth it. So much sadness that I can find a way out. There has to be a path that will bring me out of this. There must be an answer somewhere. If I knew what was causing the problem I would work on it. Broken inside is the best way to describe the feelings. Dark,cold, and alone. It's hard to get out of bed. It's hard to pick up the phone. It's hard to even move.

Happy Easter

April: Sexual Assault Awareness Month

One in every six women and one in every 33 men will be victims of an sexual assault. The numbers are overwhelming. The devastation of the assaults is even more overwhelming. Many of the victims are under the age of 18 years old. The damage can last a life time. Victims of early abuse are often repeatedly victimized in later years. Some victimize others later in life. There is a definite cycle of abuse related to early sexual assault. We believe getting the word out can help. Telling our personal stories and how this has affect our lives is important. We believe that healing is possible with a lot of work.Treatment must be available. Laws need to be enforced. Victims need to be able to speak out without fear of being re victimized by the system. Knowledge is a powerful tool and our friend.

Taking Care of Yourself

I saw my psychiatrist today and he told me I needed to start taking better care of myself and not trying to fix every one's problems. He said I operate too much in a guilt mode and over things that I had no control over to begin with. I know he is right and I'm over responsible and try to be everything for everybody, but it's hard to change. I think he is right if I don't stop I am really going to crash and burn. If I can just make it through this week I can slow down a little. I have to take my friend to two doctors this week. I have already had to go to DHS to turn in some paper work for my son. My poor house needs a good cleaning, but there are only so many hours in a day. Maybe next week will be better.

Exhausted

Sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth. Right after I was discharged from the hospital a good friend of mine was in a bad auto accident. I have been staying with her, helping her around the house, shopping, and taking her to appointments etc. Needless to say I'm exhausted. I got a chances to go home for a couple of days to catch up on my "Stuff". Keeping busy has kept my mind off all the things going on in my life right now. I'll try to make it around to everybody site to catch up before I go back to her house. She doesn't like computers and doesn't have one. I can't image no computer! Thanks everyone for checking up on me. I'm still hanging in there!

Trigger warning The Molested Child

This subject is weighing heavy on my mind. I will mostly likely ramble and not make a lot of sense. I was molested from the age of 4-16 by my step dad. No help was ever there and the impact on my life has been devastating. I learned no boundaries and I married a man that had been molested as a child. I suffered from PTSD and had totally blocked out that these things had happened. Not remembering caused me to not see red flags in my own marriage. I was a workaholic. I worked 60-80 hours per week, leaving my children with a man that had been molested himself as a child. My X was also physically and verbally abusive to me and the children. Since this type of abuse also happen when I was growing up it seemed normal. I did not recognize the dangers in my own home. I know adult make a choice to abuse children and I thank God I never hurt my children in this way. I regret to say it was happening in my own home. I did divorce the man before I knew what he was doing, but the damage was done. Today both of my children suffer from mental disorders . They too can not remember what has happened, but my X admits he was "inappropriate" with them. He has also confessed in court to the molestation of his daughter from his second marriage. I found out today he will be spending time in prison for this act. I see only pain and hopelessness. I feel if I had been aware so much would be different. The pain must end some how some way! The abuse must stop!