Today is the superbowl and I am going to a party. I must say football is not my favorite sport, but I am looking forward to the fellowship. My good friend is having the party at her house, but I am a bit concerned about her. She really fighting some difficult memories and other issue now, so I am hoping the party will bring her some peace and support. Food and laughter is goood for the soul. I have got my dish in the oven so I can't spend too much time on the computer or I'll be taking a burnt offering inside of desert. I hope everyone is enjoying today. Deeper thoughts next time!

You are who you are. People either accept and love you or they can turn away. So much has been happening and so many changes. Things that you don't think will effect you do. Sometimes it take someone else to look at what is going on to make sense of it. Being honest and open can be hard when you are used to protecting your inner most beings. Blogging is safe and make it easier to open up. You find people that are like yourself, that don't judge. Many times we feel so alone, but it is good to be able to find those that don't judge you. You can open up and be yourself without fear. Your friends help define who you are. I have not been bloggin a year yet, but I have meet so many wonderful freinds. They can be honest and yet kind. I guess we are all growing and changing each day. Some days are good and other days are not as good. It is just the way life is. I know I am rambling, but that's OK too. Hugs to everyone! We all can use a safe hug.

New Therapist

I'm going to see a new therapist next week and I am very anxious. I'm hoping this will help me get my feet planted on the ground. My doctor really wants to step up the treatment plan. He even was talking about in patient treatment, which I really want to avoid. PK has been helping me stay focused and I am really thankful for her help. I guess sometimes you have to lean on someone else when you can't do it alone. I miss my pastor so much. We still don't have anyone in mind to take his place. In my mind no one will ever be able to replace him. The picture show how I feel right now. I know everything is going to work out. I'm just exhausted from trying to figure things out. I am so thankful for all my blogger friends that have helped me the past few weeks. I am not sure what I would have done without the support.

Dry ground

The snow is starting to melt, thank goodness. I was beginning to get cabin fever. I need to restock the food supply. The last time I went to the store they were running out of milk and other things. I want to thank everyone that added input to my last post. It has been helpful looking for my next steps. You have also made me feel a bit more hopeful. It is a real good feeling that you can post how you feel without worry about losing your friends.

Seems like being snow in gives me too much time to think. I am interested in knowing what others think about PTSD. I have been given so many different diagnosis, but this is one that has been there since I was a teenager. I am also told I'm bi-polar and that was first diagnosis when I was in my early twenties. One thearpist told me she believed I had MPD due to the violence in my childhood. I have tried to just cope, but it seems the more pressure I'm under the more problems I have. I currently am not seeing a thearpist just my doctor. I have never found a thearpist that I can open up to. I think my doctor is great, but he is currently treating me for PTSD and bi-polar disorder. I've been under a lot of stress and that seem to be causing me to have more lost pieces of time, that I can not remember what I have done. The stress also seems to becausing me to have more nightmares and "flash backs". Is this command with the PTSD? I have never stayed with a thearpist very long, because it seemed the past was just too painful to deal with. I keep thinking that by this time in my life the childhood abuse issues should be over, but it never seem to go away. I don't know why I find it so hard to talk with anyone about the past, but its like if I don't deal with it then it didn't happen. Is it possible to get over PTSD without dealing with what happened? How long can what happened in childhood effect ones daily life? Maybe now would be the best time to try to deal with this since I'm on disability. I just don't know how to find someone that you can be comfortable talking to. My pastor was the best person I ever talked with now he is gone. Maybe that why I 'm having more problems again. I can not stop thinking about harming myself. I know that is wrong, but the feeling are so strong. I keep hiding from my friends and I am isolating more and more. I know I am rambling on and on, but I need to get out these feelings. Has anyone else been there and what did you do to get better. I'm feeling hopeless right now.

Ice

I am ready for a little warm weather. Today is the 3rd day we have been covered in ice. It did stop with the freezing rain, but there is still a danger of more power outages due to the winds. It is so cold and I hate being "trapped" in the house this long. Seems we are out to set records this year. We have already had a big snow and now we have this ice storm to add to the books. Today the sun is shinning, but it's in the twenties. At least we have love to keep us warm.

Looking for Information

I was wanting some input on bi-polar depression. I'm bi-polar and it seems every time the mania is controled the depression takes over. I'm on Geodon and Paxil ( just started this one). I think my doctor is excellant, but I am having a hard time getting out of the depression. Has anyone tried light thearpy with bi-polar depression and did it work? We have tried so many antidepressant with little improvement. I so tired of being depressed, so I am looking for suggestions from anyone that might have some ideas.

I got Tagged

Let see 5 things you don't know about me. Thanks PK.

1. I'm very shy and have trouble meeting people most of the time.
2. I've always wanted to be an ice skater. (I have a hard time walking across the floor with out tripping. lol)
3. I love to buy things for other people.
4. My curiosity tends to get me in trouble.
5. I think pets are easier to understand than people.

Now my favorite Musicals

1. Annie Get Your Gun
2. Oklahoma
3. Four Tickets to Christmas
4. Wizzard of OZ
5. Sound of Music

Now it my turn to tag people!

1. Wolf
2. Mysti
3. JIP
4. Jade
5. Raine
6. Cheesemeister
7. Fallen Angel

Reflections and Resolutions

It is the time of the year to look back and remember. It is time to set goal for next year. I can call 2006 a good year because I learned so much. This was a year that was full of rough spots, but I learned so much this year. I have learned how much we need others. I have always been one to do everything myself. This year I have started trusting others more. I have started to reach out more to others and it has added so much more enjoyment to my life. It has been an emotional year, but again I feel there has been healing in this area of my life too. My faith is stronger. I discovered a world of new friends by blogging. I learned to slow down and enjoy a cup of coffee with a friend. Next year I really want to continue the emotional healing and work on becoming more phycially healthy. I want to paint more and write more. I want to become closer to my friends. I want to be a better friend to those that mean so much to me.

A New Year

A new year is about to begin. I'm looking forward to letting 2006 go. It has been a rough year, but I have made many new friends, which made the year a good one. I have learned how much we need people and the importance of friendships. A new year always bring with it a time to make improvements. I think my biggest goal for next year will be to try to improve my health. I want to continue to make my friendships stronger and increase my faith. I wish all my blogger friends a very Happy New Year.

People That Know

It's nice to know that there are friends that know you and accept you just the way you are. You can be comfortable to say what you need to say. You can say nothing, yet still feel loved and accepted. You don't have to wear a mask to hide the "real'' you. I am thankful for these friends that accept me with all my faults. I can be myself without fear of being judged. I'm so glad I have these friends. You are more than just a mental illness. You are you and that is OK. What could be better. These friends help you grow. They love you for who you are. Nothing is better. Hugs to those that can accept without judgement. Thank you for being there!

Christmas

Christmas is coming just around the corner. We have been keeping busy and just wanted to tale a few minutes to be thankful for all the good things we have. Friends and family bring joy to the days. The meaning of Christmas and the wonderful gift of Jesus. Christmas may not bring joy to everyone and to those we wish a special peace . A time to make new memories. A time to be thankful for all our friends. Christmas is more than gifts. Christmas is a time to share our love.

Losing Control

Seems like everyday there are more unpleasant changes happening. I'm feeling a little shakey right now. Two dear friends are moving and that is very stressful. Today I found out that another link of my support system is being removed. My church has always been a strong support for me. At the end of the month we will have lost 3 out of the 4 ministry staff from the church. Each of these people have helped me so much through rough times. I find myself holding on tightly to my faith. I still have friends at my church to hold on to, but the loss seems so great. Right now PK is "holding my hand" to help me adjust to all of the changes. I have thought about trying to run away from all the stress, but know that is not the answer. Things are tense in my family right now too. I need to make some decisons, but do not feel I am thinking clearly enough to do so. A year ago I never dreamed I would be where I am today! Support system shaken, health failing, and financial stress, all seems more than I can deal with. Old coping skills seem to be pushing into my mind. Bad memories and "black outs" are happening more frequently. I feel like I am spinning out of control. I'm sorry this is such a depressing post, but I need to find a way to get some of this "stuff" out. I am open for any and all suggestions!

Snow

Our frist winter storm has come in over the last two days.My joints are hurting and I'm getting a little cabin fever. My driveway is the biggest problem since it is on a fairly step hill. We are hoping it will be better by Sunday. It is beautiful, but does limit what we can do. It's a good time for hot chocolate and soup. All the children are out of school and I have been watching the neigborhood children playing in the snow. It's a good day to put up the indoor Christmas decorations. Only 24 more days until Christmas. I think I will work on my Christmas cards today.

Too Much

I'm trying so hard to hold everything together right now, but I feel like I about to come apart. So much has happened in the last few months and I am exhausted from trying to keep up. My health has been poor, I have no job, applying for disability has been stressful, and I feel my support system is falling apart.
This morning I been on the phone all day trying to get my cobra insurance plan straighten out and still by the end of the day nothing. I been working on this now over a week and now I'm totally out of my medicine. Seems nobody can figure out why I can't get my perscriptions filled. They charge me a month worth of insurance for one day. This shouldn't be so hard!
Please don't get me wrong some things have been going well. It is just that right now I can not seem to handle all of this stress. I'm crying all the time and am totally exhausted. I'm not thinking clearly and it seems that is my biggest problem.

Change

Seems in life we can not stop change. A very good friend is moving. I know that we will keep in touch by e-mail, letters, and phone, but it will not be the same. My heart hurts. Not being able to see and hug this person will cause a void. I'm happy for the fact it is a good move for them, but am sadden by the lost of being able to see them in person. I guess I'm being selfish, but I really hate to see them move. Change is just hard to deal with.

Turkey is in the Oven

The turkey is in the oven and the smell of food fills the house. Waiting on family to arrive for a time of fellowship and thanksgiving. It is a wonderful thing to know you are blessed. It wonderful to think of all your friends and family. I hope all of my friends are having a great day.

Thankful

Thanksgiving is only a week away and I've been so depressed recenlty I thought I would list some things I'm thankful for. I know I will only touch a few things, but it is always good to look at all of our blessings.

1. My Children
2. My Friends-3D and cyber
3. My Family
4. My Pastor
5. My Church
6. Good Doctors
7. My House
8. Plenty to Eat
9. Reliable Transportation
10. And Many Many More

Medication Cost

The cost of medication is just simply outrageous! I checked the cost on my bi-polar medication and it was $ 347.17 for a one month supply. That is only one of the 12 medications I have to take. Medication is only one part of the cost of health care. A person with any chronic illness needs to be flat broke for any type of assistant. It seems to me that we condemn anyone with a chronic illness to poverty. Having both an autoimmue illness and mental illness is a one way ticket to poverty. I guess I have ranted enough for one day. I'm just frustrated!

Paintings

This picture represent the innocents of childhood. How pure and sweet children are.

Lighthouse represents peace in a time of storms. I feel my life is a storm right now and my lighthouse is my faith in God.

I just recently started painting and I was wanting some input and suggestions.

Cyber Friends

Since I've been blogging I have made many "cyber friends". I have found I can be honest and not have to put up a front. I can say what I feel. I can let out the pains and hurts. I don't feel judged. I believe there are people that care about me and what is going on in my life. I feel there are people that pray for me. I know I have met people that I deeply care about what happens to them. I met more people that have had some of the same things happen to them. There is no judgement if I'm having a bad day. I am so thankful for my new friendships.

Triggers

I don't understand why everything seems to be triggering my past and the abuse right now. Everytime I turn around something is setting me into a tailspin and I'm reliving my past. I feel very emotional right now. I feel panic and have a hard time grounding myself. It's not just the normal triggers, but it seems like little things are throwing me into an emotional fit. Seeing any father with a small child gives me cold chills. I am crying at the simplest thing. I seem to be disassociating more often. I'm finding I want to withdraw and avoid people.I'm isolating myself more and more. I'm trying to make myself keep in contact with others, but it is so hard. I know there are people that care about me, but I can not seem to reach out to them for help. I don't even know why I'm feeling this way, but I can not shake it. I can not even talk to the new therapist about what is going on. I almost feel like I'm losing my mind. If anyone has any suggestions, please give them to me. I feel so out of control.

Friends

I'm not sure where I would be without my friends. This has been a rough year. Failing heath, finical problems, and family stressors. Most of my life I've been a "loner". I was too afaird to open myself up to friendships. I was afaird of being hurt or used. The last couple of years I have developed some deep friendships. I don't know what I would have done without their support over the past few months. My entire life has changed and I am so thankful for the support of my friends. Making friends was hard for me. My past had taught me not to trust anyone. I built a protective wall around myself and nobody was allowed close to me. I now so enjoy being with my friends. We help and comfort each other in times of need. We laugh and play together. We cry and hug each other when "things" aren't going well. We talk on the phone until the batteries go dead. We enjoy life together. Nothing can compare to friendship.

New Therapist

Tomorrow I will be seeing a new therapist. I'm hoping this is going to help. I've been so depressed for the past several weeks it has been hard to do anything. Even blogging has been difficult. I think I just going to "unload" on this therapist and let the chips fall where they may. I'm hoping that they will be able to decide what is going on. Why I have the "black outs" and why I'm so very depressed. I'v always had trouble opening up with new therapist, but I'm so desperate right now this may be the best answer. This thearapist works in the same group as my doctor so they can share notes and hopefully find out what wrong with me.

Winter Is Around The Corner

The sky is gray and gloomy. The chill is in the air and the cold damp wind is blowing. Rain beats down on everything in sight. Chilled to the bone as the wet cold rain hits your face. The leaves drop off the trees under the beating rain. All of this reminds me that winter is around the corner. The short brisk days with the long cold nights. Now is the time for hot chocolate and cider. A warm blanket and a good book to shorten the long cold nights. A fire in the fireplace glow with a inviting embrace. Yes, summer is now long gone. Now is the time to think and reflect on all that has happened. A time to remember.

Remember

As the cool air and fall comes, I remember the fun we used to have. Playing in the leaves and throwing them in the air. Carving of punkins and eating popcorn. Halloween was so much fun then. We would dress up and walk all over the neighborhood. There was no fear, just lots of candy, apples, and fun. Today so much more care is needed for the little ones. They are not as safe as we were. It seems such a shame that world is not as safe as it was. I will be helping at our church's fall festival where the little one can come dressed up for a safe evening of fun, but it still seems that they are missing the fun we had as children so long ago.

More Meds

I'm still depressed so my doctor is uping my antidepresant. I guess I was on a lower dose of the Lexapro than he thought. He thinks I need to get out more and sleep less. Easier said than done. When your broke, it just easier to stay home. He wanted me to see a new thearpist also. I'm going to be seeing this one in a couple of weeks. With this thearpist my doctor would have more acess to what is going on since they are in the same group. I'm really hoping this will help because I feel no energy right now. It also seems now that I have more time that I'm remembering more of my past. Maybe now is just the right time to get better.

Safe In the Storm

Winds of uncertainty, waves of despair
Beat aganist my soul in the night
Tempest rage in my mind
As I desperatly seek for a glimmer of light

Nothing feel safe, and I'm chilled to the bone
The wave of despair crash against my soul
Yet in the storm I see Jesus' face
His hand reached out for me to take hold

I think I going to go under the waves.
But He tells me I am never alone
I'm safe in His arms as the storm rages on
Jesus promises to take me safely home

There is no need to fear the storms of life
No need to worry or tremble in fear
I find safety in His gentle arms
No matter what happens Jesus is near

Child Inside

I don't know why, but the child inside me seems to need something right now. My painting are of this child, that seems alone and hurt. I don't remember much of my childhood. It was deleted as a bad file. Why now would I find this child wanting to be comforted? The abuse is over. It is ancient history. Nothing can change the past. So why now do I feel this child is crying out? I feel the pain and hurt. I can not change what has happen. I can not make it go away. It was long ago blocked out of my mind, but now is pushing to get out. To be made know. Will feeling this again cause healing? She was young and helpless. We are not now. Why is the pain and hurt still so great? How can I help? Does the pain end for the child? Can I help this young small little one?

Something is Not Right

My friends are commenting on how I'm "just not acting like myself". They say that "something is wrong with me." I know I've been a little depressed and am trying to do all the right things, but apparently it's not working. I feel so tired, but some how unsettled at the same time. There is not much I want to do. I don't know if it's my medication or the situation I'm in. People that don't even know me real well are asking "What's a matter with her?" I don't feel much right now. Not happy, not sad. I just feel "not connected." I'm trying not to stress over not knowing what is going to happen. Maybe I'm just not connected to life right now. I thought I was to hyper and couldn't settle down, but everyone is saying I'm "Just not here." I must say I sick of all the medications that they have tired for the bi-polar disorder. I don't even know what I'm doing that has others concerned. Maybe I'm isolating a little, but I didn't think it was that bad. How can people be worried about me and I not know what is wrong?

Slowing Down

I never knew slowing down was going to be so hard for me. My health has demanded that I slow down. I am currently not working and the change of speed is a much harder adjustment than I expected. I have time to paint and work on my art work now. I can get my spring cleaning done. (Yes, I am a bit late on that! lol) I have more time to read, but it seems slowing down is hard for someone as hyper as myself. My friend tells me I will get used to moving at a slower pace. I'm going to see if there are things I can help do at the church, which is something I have always wanted to do. I feel peaceful inside, which is amazing since the disability hasn't come through yet. I have a sense that I'm in the right place doing the right thing for me now. It is just so different! I have time to reflect on what is important in my life: God, friends, and family. Yes the change of pace is different, but is much welcome and needed.

Last Day

Today was my last day at work. After 18 years it seems hard to believe. I cried some, but held up pretty well. I will miss my friends, but plan on keeping in touch. Several things were not handle well at the end, so there is some hurt there. Eighteen years is such a big piece of ones life, so there is alot of emotion involved. I know in my heart this was the right thing to do. My health was getting so bad and the pain was too much on a daily bases. I feel I am doing what God wants me to do and that new things will open up for me. Tonight is my good bye party and I'm sure I will be emotional. There are so many feelings. So much time and energy has gone into the last eighteen years. I'm looking forward to a new journey as my life is changing. Today is a begining to a new path in my life and I'm looking forward to what God has in store for me.

Where is Middle Ground?

Ok, so where is the middle ground? The depression is much better now and I'm wired for sound. Gee, what's wrong with me? I'm either so low you can't pick me up or I'm high as a kite. Well this is better anyway. Funny my body just won't catch up with my emotions. I do believe if the body would cooperate, right now I could do anything. I finished most of that goverment paper work, until they decide they need more. It's really weird, but I can't get Christmas off my mind. I'm looking around thinking about how I'm going to decorate for Christmas. Maybe that is the stores' fault. They already have the Christmas stuff out and it is not even Halloween yet! Well as you can tell my mind is jumping from one thing to another right now. It's a good thing I'm broke or I would be wanting to buy everything in sight. Oh well at least, I'm smiling. Even if my son calls me "EMO" I feel pretty good today!

Feeling Better

I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I have been so depressed recently I have not been able to do much of anything. I want to thank each of you for checking in on me. I am sorry I wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything. Your support was very helpful durning this deep depression. I'm begining to see a little glimmer of hope again and I am sure glad things don't look so black. Again thank all of you for your support and prayers. You mean a lot to me.

Government Paper Work

Government paper work is crazy. I do believe the entire idea is to frustrate you until you give up. Appling for SSI and unemployment is just crazy. They want all the paper work to them ASAP so it can set on a desk for the next six months! You on the other hand are given ridicules dead lines or you will be DEINED! If we took as long to do our taxes as the government does for disability, we would be in jail . Oh well, it all just a learning process for me anyway.

What a Week

This has really been a stressful week. My job told me I could no longer work part time, so now I have no job. Unemployment may not be possible because of my work restrictions. I felt betray by someone I should have been able to trust. I physcially and mentaly hurting so bad it has been hard to do anything. I holding on for dear life for the good things in my life. My faith, my friends, and my family. Eighteen years at my job gone in a snap of a finger. My job used to mean so much to me. Now it is gone. I'm broke, confused and sad. The important things are still here. I have not had much engery to visit other blogs. Maybe I'll do better next week.

When Does It Become Fun?

I have been on my exercise program now for almost 3 weeks. I'm alterating water aerobic, walking, and weight training. I can say it is a habit and I don't hate it, BUT when do you start loving it? I hear people say how much they love to exercise and I wonder what part they love. Is it the sore muscle, sweating, or what? I'm just kidding. I acutally feel good about it. I have lost a couple of pounds and know that I doing something good for myself. Next step giving up junk food! Here's to health!

Glad the week is over!

This has been a rough week and I am glad the weekend is almost here! Now maybe I can just relax and enjoy a DVD or something. Going over to my friends house for a "night with the girls." I sure can use something to forget the last few days. Relax, kick back, and forget the stress. That's my plan!

Trust

Why does it take years to build trust and only a few minutes to lose it? Why is broken trust such a painful wound? Why when trust is broken by one person, do we feel we can no longer trust anyone? How do you start trusting again? When is it wise not to trust? Can the pain of broken trust be repaired?

In Remembrance

In loving memory

Time For The Important Things

Life is so busy that time becomes an important asset. I recently have seen that the important things are more than job or money. Taking care of yourself and health are important. Your relationships with family and friends. Your spiritual well being. All of these things are more important than money. Yes you have to be able to live. Yes money is required for many things, but how we spend our time is more important. I want to give joy and hope to others. I want to love and be loved. That is what I want to spend my time on. The important things. Loving your children or grandchilder. Hugging friends. Laughing together. Praying together. Relationships! That is time well spent.

Oops

Well I got my paycheck Friday and boy was there a big surprize. My check was only about one third of what it should have been. My hours have already been reduced, but someone made a error causing my check to be very short. Of course they are "very sorry" and will have it fixed the next check! I only have to suffer with no money for two weeks. Not a big deal to them, but sure will make my life interesting. Just an "oops" on someone part. In a few years maybe I can laugh about it.

Elusion of Control

I think it is safe to say I have been a "control freak" for the last several years of my life. I have tried to control everything. Recent health issues have caused me to realize that it has been just an "elusion of control" . I still believe in planning and putting forth your best effort, but some things are beyond our control. It was never in my wildest dream that I would need to apply for disability. Once again I have had to revaluate what is improtant in life. It's not the money, job, or accomplishments in our lives, that make life worth while. It's the people and relationships we have. I honestly do not know where I would be today without my faith in God and the love and support of friends and family. We can lose "things" at the drop of a hat, but true friendship and love endures. I am so thankful that the last year has showed me what the real important things are. I also find peace in knowing even when things are not in my control that God never loses control.

1 Week

I'm not dead yet from the exercise. It's been one week and it is not a habit yet. I'm trying a water aerobic class this evening to see if that will cut down on some of the joint pain. With the connective tissue disease it's improtant not to over do it and protect the joints. My doctor recommended this, so I'm giving it a shot. So far the most painful thing is thinking about wearing a swimingsuit in public! Scary thought! Getting fit was something I really wanted to work on this year. So better late than never to start!

Sadness

Sadness seems to have its own body, its own form. It covers one like a wet cold blanket. Sticking and clinging to every part of the person. It restricts movement and productivity. It sufficates the soul. Getting out of bed is hard. It doesn't comply to the wishes of the body or the mind. It drains the energy and spirit . Why won't it leave me? Why has it been here so long? Why do I fight her every morning? How can I make it leave? I am exhaused by fighting this sadness. I just want to rest and sleep in peace without the tears.

Need Each Other

It's funny that I used to think I didn't need anyone in my life. I could handle just about anything by myself. Now I see how wrong that was. Others add so much more excitement and joy to life. Helping others helps you. People were made to be with others. Isolation is not a natural choice. I used to isolate from fear of being hurt. This isolation only brought more pain. They last year I have taken more "risks" and started trusting others. The "risks" have proven to be well worth the effort. This has been one of the happiest years of my life despite all the problems and changes. Sharing ups and downs make life more enjoyable. We need each other!

Thanks for being my Friend

I just want to thank everyone for their support and friendship. I think it takes the support of others to heal and get over things that have happened. Again thank you everyone for your kindness and support!

Abuse and Emotions

***Trigger Warning****
I feel I must be honest with myself and let someone know the emotions that I had one terrible day in my life. I have told brief episodes about the abuse that molded my life, but I have never been able to attach my emotions to the abuse. At a very young age I learned to block out emotions, pain, and even myself. I became what was expected. Different people at different times, but always what was expected.
I was child of four years old when my stepdad started molesting me. But what I want to get out was what happen at the age of 10 years old. I had sneaked away with some friends to go swimming. I had to sneak away because "good girls" don't wear swimming suits. I didn't laugh much as a child, but was laughing with my friends when my stepdad and mother pulled up. I knew I was going to get beaten, but I never knew how evil my stepdad was until that day. He immediatly bloody my mouth and nose with a quick punch to the face. He was screaming I was a "no good little whore." I didn't know what that was , but was terrified by his anger.
When we arrived at the house he had already removed his belt and was beating me as we went in. My mother followed and keep saying "you brought this on yourself young lady." I was kicked and pulled back to their bedroom where I was then thrown on the bed. My arms and legs where then tied to the bed as he continued to slap me as I tried to fight back. He then pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut off my clothes. I was so terrified and was shaking. He cut my underdeveloped breast with the knife as he screamed at me. He stuck his hand hard inside me, and I felt hot liquid runing down me. The pain was horrible, I almost passed out. He removed his pants and proceeded to rape me. He was too big for me and the pain was unbearable. I was only whimpering at this point, too afaird to cry out. My mother betrayed me, she did not help. She let him do this terrible thing. I was left tied for hours and he would return to beat and rape me again. This was not the last time he raped me, but it was the most brutal. The injuries I substained that night prevented me from going back to school for several months.
My feelings were of total betrayal,worthlessness, and total humiliation.

This is my story!

Exercise

I started "day one" on my new exercise program. I'm exhaused, but at least I started! I've forgotten how many days it takes to make this a habit, but the first one is done! Now what I need is someone to encourage me to keep this up. For health reason I must do this. With the connective tissue disease, I'm in a lot of pain. That is all the more reason this is important. I need to keep the joints from becoming stiff to reduce the pain. I know that exercise will also help my mood, and recently it could really use a boost. I'm trying not to think of this just for weight lost, but to improve my health. Believe me losing weight would be a great benefit, but I need to take better care of myself. I'm told, sensible exercise is one of the best things I can do for my health problems. Maybe there is more exercise than pushing the buttons on the remote control. Wish me what it takes to make this a life style change!

What makes us who we are?

Having had too much time to think recently, I have been wondering "what makes us who we are?" I look back on my past and wonder how much of who I am is because of what happen to me in childhood? How much is genetics? How much was choices I have made? Can someone who experienced extreme trauma become all they would have become if they had no trauma? Does trauma make you stronger? In all I am glad I can still see good in others. So maybe in the end, it does all work out. We do have a say in who we become. Events, DNA, and choices are all in the mix. We can only control our choices.

Out Of Town

I'm going to be out of town for the next few days. I will be returning Saturday. See you then!

Worry

Our pastor spoke on "Don't Worry Be Happy" today. I must be the "Queen of Worry." He gave some stats that were very interesting.

An average person's anxiety is focused on;
40% -- things that will never happen
30% -- things about the past that can not be changed
12% -- things about criticism by others, mostly untrue
10% -- about health, which gets worse with stress
8% -- about real problems that will be faced.

The most interesting fact is "worry" doesn't change anything! Worry just hurts us and makes us more stressed. I guess it is better "To let go, and let God" anyway you look at it.

Friends

I feel I am so blessed with great friends. I used to consider myself a "loner". I didn't need, want, or have time for friends. Now my friends are one of the most important parts of my life. We laugh, cry, and play together. We share the good, the bad, and the ugly . We pray for each other and have fun together. Now I know that taking the time to make a friend is worth more than anything money can buy. Friends are a gift from God.