Abuse and Emotions

***Trigger Warning****
I feel I must be honest with myself and let someone know the emotions that I had one terrible day in my life. I have told brief episodes about the abuse that molded my life, but I have never been able to attach my emotions to the abuse. At a very young age I learned to block out emotions, pain, and even myself. I became what was expected. Different people at different times, but always what was expected.
I was child of four years old when my stepdad started molesting me. But what I want to get out was what happen at the age of 10 years old. I had sneaked away with some friends to go swimming. I had to sneak away because "good girls" don't wear swimming suits. I didn't laugh much as a child, but was laughing with my friends when my stepdad and mother pulled up. I knew I was going to get beaten, but I never knew how evil my stepdad was until that day. He immediatly bloody my mouth and nose with a quick punch to the face. He was screaming I was a "no good little whore." I didn't know what that was , but was terrified by his anger.
When we arrived at the house he had already removed his belt and was beating me as we went in. My mother followed and keep saying "you brought this on yourself young lady." I was kicked and pulled back to their bedroom where I was then thrown on the bed. My arms and legs where then tied to the bed as he continued to slap me as I tried to fight back. He then pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut off my clothes. I was so terrified and was shaking. He cut my underdeveloped breast with the knife as he screamed at me. He stuck his hand hard inside me, and I felt hot liquid runing down me. The pain was horrible, I almost passed out. He removed his pants and proceeded to rape me. He was too big for me and the pain was unbearable. I was only whimpering at this point, too afaird to cry out. My mother betrayed me, she did not help. She let him do this terrible thing. I was left tied for hours and he would return to beat and rape me again. This was not the last time he raped me, but it was the most brutal. The injuries I substained that night prevented me from going back to school for several months.
My feelings were of total betrayal,worthlessness, and total humiliation.