I'm finally starting to feel a little better. I have been so depressed recently I have not been able to do much of anything. I want to thank each of you for checking in on me. I am sorry I wasn't feeling up to doing much of anything. Your support was very helpful durning this deep depression. I'm begining to see a little glimmer of hope again and I am sure glad things don't look so black. Again thank all of you for your support and prayers. You mean a lot to me.
Government paper work is crazy. I do believe the entire idea is to frustrate you until you give up. Appling for SSI and unemployment is just crazy. They want all the paper work to them ASAP so it can set on a desk for the next six months! You on the other hand are given ridicules dead lines or you will be DEINED! If we took as long to do our taxes as the government does for disability, we would be in jail . Oh well, it all just a learning process for me anyway.
This has really been a stressful week. My job told me I could no longer work part time, so now I have no job. Unemployment may not be possible because of my work restrictions. I felt betray by someone I should have been able to trust. I physcially and mentaly hurting so bad it has been hard to do anything. I holding on for dear life for the good things in my life. My faith, my friends, and my family. Eighteen years at my job gone in a snap of a finger. My job used to mean so much to me. Now it is gone. I'm broke, confused and sad. The important things are still here. I have not had much engery to visit other blogs. Maybe I'll do better next week.
I have been on my exercise program now for almost 3 weeks. I'm alterating water aerobic, walking, and weight training. I can say it is a habit and I don't hate it, BUT when do you start loving it? I hear people say how much they love to exercise and I wonder what part they love. Is it the sore muscle, sweating, or what? I'm just kidding. I acutally feel good about it. I have lost a couple of pounds and know that I doing something good for myself. Next step giving up junk food! Here's to health!
This has been a rough week and I am glad the weekend is almost here! Now maybe I can just relax and enjoy a DVD or something. Going over to my friends house for a "night with the girls." I sure can use something to forget the last few days. Relax, kick back, and forget the stress. That's my plan!
Why does it take years to build trust and only a few minutes to lose it? Why is broken trust such a painful wound? Why when trust is broken by one person, do we feel we can no longer trust anyone? How do you start trusting again? When is it wise not to trust? Can the pain of broken trust be repaired?
In loving memory
Life is so busy that time becomes an important asset. I recently have seen that the important things are more than job or money. Taking care of yourself and health are important. Your relationships with family and friends. Your spiritual well being. All of these things are more important than money. Yes you have to be able to live. Yes money is required for many things, but how we spend our time is more important. I want to give joy and hope to others. I want to love and be loved. That is what I want to spend my time on. The important things. Loving your children or grandchilder. Hugging friends. Laughing together. Praying together. Relationships! That is time well spent.
Well I got my paycheck Friday and boy was there a big surprize. My check was only about one third of what it should have been. My hours have already been reduced, but someone made a error causing my check to be very short. Of course they are "very sorry" and will have it fixed the next check! I only have to suffer with no money for two weeks. Not a big deal to them, but sure will make my life interesting. Just an "oops" on someone part. In a few years maybe I can laugh about it.
I think it is safe to say I have been a "control freak" for the last several years of my life. I have tried to control everything. Recent health issues have caused me to realize that it has been just an "elusion of control" . I still believe in planning and putting forth your best effort, but some things are beyond our control. It was never in my wildest dream that I would need to apply for disability. Once again I have had to revaluate what is improtant in life. It's not the money, job, or accomplishments in our lives, that make life worth while. It's the people and relationships we have. I honestly do not know where I would be today without my faith in God and the love and support of friends and family. We can lose "things" at the drop of a hat, but true friendship and love endures. I am so thankful that the last year has showed me what the real important things are. I also find peace in knowing even when things are not in my control that God never loses control.
I'm not dead yet from the exercise. It's been one week and it is not a habit yet. I'm trying a water aerobic class this evening to see if that will cut down on some of the joint pain. With the connective tissue disease it's improtant not to over do it and protect the joints. My doctor recommended this, so I'm giving it a shot. So far the most painful thing is thinking about wearing a swimingsuit in public! Scary thought! Getting fit was something I really wanted to work on this year. So better late than never to start!
Sadness seems to have its own body, its own form. It covers one like a wet cold blanket. Sticking and clinging to every part of the person. It restricts movement and productivity. It sufficates the soul. Getting out of bed is hard. It doesn't comply to the wishes of the body or the mind. It drains the energy and spirit . Why won't it leave me? Why has it been here so long? Why do I fight her every morning? How can I make it leave? I am exhaused by fighting this sadness. I just want to rest and sleep in peace without the tears.
It's funny that I used to think I didn't need anyone in my life. I could handle just about anything by myself. Now I see how wrong that was. Others add so much more excitement and joy to life. Helping others helps you. People were made to be with others. Isolation is not a natural choice. I used to isolate from fear of being hurt. This isolation only brought more pain. They last year I have taken more "risks" and started trusting others. The "risks" have proven to be well worth the effort. This has been one of the happiest years of my life despite all the problems and changes. Sharing ups and downs make life more enjoyable. We need each other!
I just want to thank everyone for their support and friendship. I think it takes the support of others to heal and get over things that have happened. Again thank you everyone for your kindness and support! 
***Trigger Warning****I feel I must be honest with myself and let someone know the emotions that I had one terrible day in my life. I have told brief episodes about the abuse that molded my life, but I have never been able to attach my emotions to the abuse. At a very young age I learned to block out emotions, pain, and even myself. I became what was expected. Different people at different times, but always what was expected.I was child of four years old when my stepdad started molesting me. But what I want to get out was what happen at the age of 10 years old. I had sneaked away with some friends to go swimming. I had to sneak away because "good girls" don't wear swimming suits. I didn't laugh much as a child, but was laughing with my friends when my stepdad and mother pulled up. I knew I was going to get beaten, but I never knew how evil my stepdad was until that day. He immediatly bloody my mouth and nose with a quick punch to the face. He was screaming I was a "no good little whore." I didn't know what that was , but was terrified by his anger. When we arrived at the house he had already removed his belt and was beating me as we went in. My mother followed and keep saying "you brought this on yourself young lady." I was kicked and pulled back to their bedroom where I was then thrown on the bed. My arms and legs where then tied to the bed as he continued to slap me as I tried to fight back. He then pulled out a knife and proceeded to cut off my clothes. I was so terrified and was shaking. He cut my underdeveloped breast with the knife as he screamed at me. He stuck his hand hard inside me, and I felt hot liquid runing down me. The pain was horrible, I almost passed out. He removed his pants and proceeded to rape me. He was too big for me and the pain was unbearable. I was only whimpering at this point, too afaird to cry out. My mother betrayed me, she did not help. She let him do this terrible thing. I was left tied for hours and he would return to beat and rape me again. This was not the last time he raped me, but it was the most brutal. The injuries I substained that night prevented me from going back to school for several months.My feelings were of total betrayal,worthlessness, and total humiliation.
I started "day one" on my new exercise program. I'm exhaused, but at least I started! I've forgotten how many days it takes to make this a habit, but the first one is done! Now what I need is someone to encourage me to keep this up. For health reason I must do this. With the connective tissue disease, I'm in a lot of pain. That is all the more reason this is important. I need to keep the joints from becoming stiff to reduce the pain. I know that exercise will also help my mood, and recently it could really use a boost. I'm trying not to think of this just for weight lost, but to improve my health. Believe me losing weight would be a great benefit, but I need to take better care of myself. I'm told, sensible exercise is one of the best things I can do for my health problems. Maybe there is more exercise than pushing the buttons on the remote control. Wish me what it takes to make this a life style change!
Having had too much time to think recently, I have been wondering "what makes us who we are?" I look back on my past and wonder how much of who I am is because of what happen to me in childhood? How much is genetics? How much was choices I have made? Can someone who experienced extreme trauma become all they would have become if they had no trauma? Does trauma make you stronger? In all I am glad I can still see good in others. So maybe in the end, it does all work out. We do have a say in who we become. Events, DNA, and choices are all in the mix. We can only control our choices.
I'm going to be out of town for the next few days. I will be returning Saturday. See you then!
Our pastor spoke on "Don't Worry Be Happy" today. I must be the "Queen of Worry." He gave some stats that were very interesting.An average person's anxiety is focused on;40% -- things that will never happen30% -- things about the past that can not be changed12% -- things about criticism by others, mostly untrue10% -- about health, which gets worse with stress8% -- about real problems that will be faced.The most interesting fact is "worry" doesn't change anything! Worry just hurts us and makes us more stressed. I guess it is better "To let go, and let God" anyway you look at it.
