So It 's Raining

I was just thinking, that some times rain spoils our plans, but in the end it cause green grass and flowers. I am looking forward to my brighter day.

Weary

I know you are not suppose to become weary, but I am. I am so tired of trying to remain stable. I am tired of struggling with the severe mood changes and the sadness that overwhelms me almost daily. I can't think straight and make stupid mistakes. Seems like I can only handle life a few minutes at a time. Someone Please tell me I am not alone. I am so stressed!

Sister

My sister found two lumps in her breasts and had to have both breasts removed. Her kidneys are not strong enough for chemo-therapy,so they want to try her on an experimental drug. This is her second bout with cancer and I am very worried about her. I'm trying to save up enough money to go visit her. It seems there is always more month than money.

My Very Frist Post "Broken No More"

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damange to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Just Need to Talk

Tonight I need to talk where I won't be judged. A 3-D friend really hurt me, by saying "Your just a mental case and you need to get over your past". True, I am bi-polar and have PTSD, but really. I am trying to heal from the past. She told me everyone has "bad things" happen when they are children, but only a "weak person" would let it mess up their life.

I suffered both physical and sexual abuse for several years by my step-dad. My mother did not protect me, in fact she helped. I feared for my life more than once. There was no safety for me, no one to stop the abuse. I coped by learning to leave my body. Then it wasn't real. BUT IT WAS REAL! I am getting better slowly. I may never be "normal". I just needed someone to talk with that understands. Abuse hurts.

Feeling Good

I feel great today. I don't know why, but I'm enjoying it!

Some Days are Harder

1. Some days are harder than others, but I have to believe things will get better. The Depakote ER and Abilify seem to be helping stabilize my moods. I am still depressed so I am also on Celexa . Something is causing me to have a lot of stomach problems since they changed my meds. I can not imagine having a month when there is no depression, no wanting to SI, or no crying myself to sleep. I keep busy. Maybe not enough, but with all my health issues, I do the best I can.
2. Today I went to church. I so much enjoy the music, but with all those people around, I still felt alone. I wish I had stronger faith. I wish I wasn't so frighten of people.
3. Money! Why does it have to be such a big issue. I guess I should say the lack of money. Any unexpected expense just blows me out of the waters. The next two months are going to be really rough!
   

Hyper

Man have I been hyper the last two days. You know the"crawling out of your skin" hyper. Saw my doctor today and will see my "T" tomorrow. They are drawing up a hardship letter to see if I can get some drug assistance. That would help my stress so much. They are also working on a scholarship for me so I can see my "T" more often. I sure hope this works out. They have me check in by phone weekly, but for cost sake I am only seeing them once a month. If this "scholarship" is approved I will get to see my "T" once a week. I'm not sleeping well. Having "feeling nightmares". What I mean is that I can feel the physical pain of the abuse in my dreams. Sounds like several of my blogging friends are struggling now also. I wish healing and peace for all.

Confused

I am very confused about God most of the time. I have a friend who used to be my pastor.He showed me what I believed was what God's love is suppose to be like. His name is Randy.You see, I am most frighten of most people.Me and my family would be listed in the dictionary under dysfunctional. I am bi-polar with severe PTSD. Both of my children suffer from major depression and anxiety disorders. Many times "church people" turn away from me and my family. I feel pain when this happens. Randy tells me God loves me and my children the way we are and only wants to help with the pain. My question is why is there so much pain? I know Jesus went through pain, but I am not that strong. I have read other people blogs that seem to struggle with this. Another thing that bothers me is that churches seem to care more for you if you have money. They seem to want undamaged,wealthy people.( NO PROBLEMS PLEASE!) My new pastor won't even talk with you about problems. Is that how God feels?

It Is Better To Write

Right now I want to cut, so I figured writing is better. I have already been vomiting and that has not helped. I am HURTING! God just let me hang on a few more days until I see my therapist! ****TRIGGERING*****Just a child, so young. No longer feels innocent, because of his touches. She leaves her body to escape the rape. Does the child remember what he looks like? I do not. The child is blamed. She causes this. Such a sexy 6 year old. Hair of gold, jumping around. It's her fault. Soon the child is quiet. Never speaking. She just lives. It happens again and again. No one cares. As time passes the little one knows not to fight anymore. To be hit over and over and know not to cry. IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU WANT IT YOU LITTLE WHORE. The child dies, but the body lives. She is not there anymore. Only a shell is left.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

HAVE A SAFE AND HAPPY JULY4TH!

Must Someone Die for Change.

For months now I have been in the Medicare "doughnut hole". For those of you not familiar with this it is the time when Medicare will not pay for any Rx until you have paid $4040.00 out of your pocket. My Rx cost is more than my disability check each month. Therefore I can NOT afford my medicine. If you have been watching my blog you can see the effect not having my medicine has had. I wonder if the Medicare standards would be changed if a life was lost due to not being able to get needed medicine. I have exhausted my entire saving and still have no end in site. Loss of hope causes one to think the unthinkable.

When Will The Pain End

It is so hard to believe 12 years of sexual abuse from childhood still controls my life. The pain is so real today. I hurt to the point of being physically ill. Nothing has stopped the pain. I cut, it is only a short distraction. Are there people that can never heal? Never sleep without the nightmare? So much money must go to the healing process, that poverty is my way of life. I read on another blog that if mental ill people would just let Jesus in everything would be okay. I do believe in Jesus, but my pain is still REAL! I remember telling my doctor. I thought you could not have PTSD and be bi-polar. She smiled at me and told me she was the doctor and I am text book classic of both. My feeling are running so deep and the pain is so real, I just had to post.

Won't Give Up!

I won't give up! What ever it takes! I'm anger now. Yes I feel something ,so I have something to work with.

One Day at a Time

I was able to visit some blog yesterday and catch up on some of my friends. It was good. I ran out of energy,so I had to stop. I'm on all new meds. They are talking about ECT. My bi-polar is still not under control. They say I MUST start working on the PTSD stuff if I going to get any better. I exhausted. Thank everyone for being there for me!

Been in the Hospital

I just got out of the hospital. They where trying to make medication adjustments. I still feel really bad,but my doctors out of town until Monday. I haven't been this out of control in years. Please continue to remember me.

Struggling

I'm so sorry I have dropped off the face of the earth for a while, but I am really struggling. Thank you so much for checking on me. I am under care of a doctor and am being watched closely so I am safe.

I'm Losing It

I am stressed to the max! I feel like I'm going to lose it. I can not function at all. I can not eat or sleep. All I do is cry. My daughter is really having some personal problems now too and I can not help her. I can not think clearly. I don't know what to do.

Update

Hi. I'm feeling a bit better. I'm on two blood pressure pills now. They make me tired, but this will improve as I adjust to them. Thank you all for checking in on me. You are the greatest!

Not Feeling Well

Sorry I been out of touch. I have not been feeling well. My blood pressure is very high 200/110 and I'm having bad head aches. My doctor is having me rest a lot to keep me out of the hospital. When I am feeling better I'll write more.

What is Wrong With Me?

April is always a rough month for me. Many of the blogs I read have been very triggering and have caused me to ask myself some questions. I have been told that the key to healing is forgiveness. How do you really forgive someone that has beaten, molested, and repeatedly raped you? He is dead , so he can no longer hurt anyone. In fact he died at a very young age. I have said I made a choice to forgive him, but it seem very empty. I have no feelings except pain. No anger. What is wrong with me? It's like I can not feel anger. It's like a movie when I remember. It's me. I feel it, but I can not attach emotion to it. I feel pain for others when I hear they have been molested or raped. I become physically ill when I hear of a child that is molested. Why don't I feel anything for the little Wanda? Will I ever feel?

NUMB

I'm feeling a little numb due to recent poor sleep patterns. I don't like being so"snappy". I am not thinking clearly and have made some bad decisions. My thought patterns are running toward the darker side and I can stop thinking about how much I dislike myself. In my head I know I am just cycling though the depressive/mixed phase of the bi-polar cycle. On top of every thing else I'm having some PTSD flashbacks of my childhood. I'm clueless as to what is triggering them unless it's the fact I have talking with my sister. I have to remember this will not last for ever. If you pray remember me, if not send good wishes this way.

A Good Man

I just left a goodbye party for the senior physician at the clinic I work. He was a very kind and understanding man who was easy to work for. He was also my personal physician for the last several years. I greatly respected him and the way he ran the clinic. Tonight when he hugged me and told me he loved me I begin to cry. He has taken a less stressful job with shorter hours. I am happy he has a better job, but will greatly miss him.

Spring

It is time to start fixing up the place for spring . We need to paint the deck & front steps. Put out some flowers and maybe a hanging basket or two to brighten up the place. My son is not looking forward to mowing the lawn. It seems like spring is really short here. It goes directly to summer. My allergies think it is spring. My noses always knows! I am looking forward to some color.

Rest

Finally the mania is finished and I can sleep! Now it's time to pick up the pieces and see what I've done. People that think being manic is great have never lived it. It is not a good thing. I was so irritable by the end I was not fit to be around. This time I ran out of money for my medicine. The Medicare "doughnut hole" would be a good thing to be fixed by the president. Now I'm on my soap box. How do they expect people on a fixed income to pay out $4,000.00 a year on medicine? One of my medicine cost over what I make for the month. It's a joke! I try to get samples, but that is why I end up manic. Right now I have two weeks of medicine, but I do not know if I will be able to get samples again. I do Know that I will Not have the $1,400.00 to buy the medicine next month. I will just have to do the best I can. Right now it feels so good not to have racing thoughts and to be able to sleep at night. I will enjoy it. I'm happy. Maybe I won't get manic without the medicine. We can just live life one day at a time and enjoy the days as they come. Thank you everybody for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

No Sleep

No sleep in several days. My mind just won't shut down. I am afraid to drive now. I going to double up on the sleeping medicine tonight and see if that works. First thing in the morning I'm calling my psychiatrist. Wish me luck.

Isolation

I feel myself pulling inside myself. Away from others. Afraid of being hurt. It's hard right now to do the simplest things to be around others. I want to. I need to, but I feel frozen. Lost. Even blogging is hard. Reaching out in any way. It began when they told me I needed to take a couple of weeks off of work because my bipolar disorder was affecting my work. The same day I found out that my primary care doctor was leaving. It is so hard for me to trust a doctor. I have real trust issues. There have been too many changes this last year. I guess change is suppose to be good, but I seem to struggle with it. I really don't even know how I feel. I'm just numb. I'm not sleeping. I hate being this way. My psychiatrist says I'm in a mixed episode right now. I just know I am miserable and irritable. My mind is racing,yet I'm depressed. I can't focus. It's got to get better. I'll just take it one day at a time.

Concern

I really worried about my oldest child right now.She suffer from mental illness also and I have not seen her so bad in a long time. It hard once they are grown and you can not make them get the help they need. It all goes back to know what you have control over. I just hate to see the pain on her face and feel so helpless to do anything. I can just love, support and suggest she seek treatment.

Feeling a Bit Better

I'm feeling a little bit better today. I finally got rid of a 2 day headache which was part of the reason I have not been feeling so hot. I'll try to get around to everyone blog in the next day or so. I'm still exhausted, but just wanted to let everyone know I'm doing a little better. Thanks everyone that checked in on me. Hugs.

Sadness

The sadness is so great you could almost touch it. I'm in so much pain. I can not stop crying. I feel like my heart is going to break in pieces or pull apart. I'm shaking so badly I can hardly type. This sadness makes me double up in pain. I know this will go away. I know it won't last forever. My doctor is talking about putting me in the hospital again,but I don't have any money. I just got to hold on. It will get better.

WHY?

1. Why is there mental illness?
2. Why is it passed on to our children?
3. Why is there child abuse?
4. Why is there child molestation?
5. Why is there rape?
6. Why is there so much physical pain?
7. Why is there emotional pain?

These are questions I want to ask God someday when I get to heaven.

Sun Shine

The sun has been shinning the last two or three days and that lifts the spirits a bit. It is nice to see sun shine instead of gray skies. The ice and snow has all melted and the birds think it is spring. It is much more pleasant taking the dog outside in this weather. She still is very nervous and I'm not really sure how to calm her down. I have never had a dog that has been this nervous before. Any tips that anyone has would be appreciate, on how to make her less jumpy.

Prayer request

I am feeling depressed today. I not sure if it is the weather and being trapped in the house or what, but I hate feeling like this. I've called a couple of friends and read my favorite blogs to cheer up and that has helped a bit. I really have got to get to the drug store an pick up my anti depressant. Some times I wonder how I would do without any medicine. Those of you that pray just remember me today. I just need a little extra help.

Ice Strorm

Tulsa is covered in ice as it continues to come down. The roads are dangerous and a lot of business are closed for the day. Schools are shut down, but at least the power lines have not been affected like they where last year. There was a point yesterday that every road had a reported accident on it. One of the main highways had a major 30 car pile up. I made it home from work without a problem, until I got to my driveway. I fell and had to crawl to the grass because I could not stand up. My driveway is on a slop that is kind of steep. Today I am really sore and stiff. It is not expected to get above freezing until Thursday, so I guess I will be staying home until then. I am very thankful that the power has stayed on this storm.

Ranting

Today I hate my mobile home. It has low flow toilets that always stop up. I just love spending the morning messing with a toilet. Oh. I just had to rant a little bit. Next week when I only have to pay lot rent instead of a mortgage payment,I'll like my mobile home again.

Little of This & Little of That

I got my full sized Yorkie yesterday. She is very loving, but very nervous. She is suppose to be house broken, but is not doing too well with that. I guess it the new environment and all. She does go when I take her out (which is frequently), but also has accidents. She is still afraid of Chris, but getting better around him. I don't think she was around too many males before. We are already getting attached to each other. I think this will really help with my depression. Also I am getting exercise walking the dog.

My new therapist called yesterday and gave me her pager number and told me if I needed her at any time to just give her a page. That really impressed me, but kind of caught me off guard. She also worked me in for a sooner appointment next Friday. She sounded like she was concerned and very nice.

I had a flashback at my part time job Wednesday. Not cool! Fortunately it was in the back room in medical records and nobody saw or heard anything. I have been under a lot of stress, so I guess that is what triggered it. I can not afford to lose the part time job. The disability check alone is not enough to make it.

Home Work

Since my bi-polar is more stable than it has been in two years, my doctor has requested my therapist work on my PTSD. She is concerned about how frequently I dissociate and/or back out. I have done this all my life, but I am really afraid of going back into my past history. Medical records,scars, and witness have told me things that I still find hard to believe. My own memories are there,but "not real". It's like I can sometime see and feel the pain, but it's not really me. I don't know how to explain what I mean. I can say I was sexual abused as a child, but it is words. I can say there was physical abuse, but again it is just words. The pains and the dreams I feel now are real,but not. I really feel it, but there is no one here. I am not even sure where here is when it happens. My mind can not comprehend that these things did happen. I hope my therapist is good.

I am a happy as can be. I am not going to let anyone steal away my ability to enjoy life. Yes things are different now. Money is tighter. I'm taking a ton of medicine, but I am still me. I just learned a new computer system, so I do have the ability to learn. I had a wonderful weekend. Maybe I was a little hypo manic. I may have found a dog. She is a small Yorkie. We are going to have to see if she gets along with my son's cat. I so want it to work out. Kind of blew my diet today. Had homemade potato soup, bread sticks, now here come the bad part,a big piece chocolate cake. I'll have to do better tomorrow and ride the bike a few extra minutes tonight. My stupid car is acting up, but there has always got to be something going on to keep life interesting. You know It has to happen on the weekend when there is no way to get it checked out. It would not go over thirty miles per hour so I missed church today. I really love the signing and our pastor is a good speaker, so it would have topped off an excellent weekend. I really need to do a load of laundry and run to the night deposit at the bank. I hope every one had a good weekend.

Hurts To Hear

All my life I've worked hard to improve myself and be a better person. I was a bit of a workaholic. I had been in a supervisory position for 25 years in the medical profession until two years ago when I had to go on disability. I considered myself intelligent as well as a hard worker.
In my last session with my therapist she said something that I just can not get out of my mind. She told me due to my connective tissue disease and bi-polar disease I would most likely never have the same level of cognitive functioning skills again. I have lost so much in the last two years this statement eats away at the very core of my being. I have always been an over comer. This make me feel hopeless and useless. How can an illness steal so much from you? How do you deal with the loss of your ability to think clearly?

Changes

I'm being moved from my new therapist to another one because of some kind of clinic policy about a doctor I had seen. I really liked this one, even if I had only seen her two times. She had a good suggestion that I had never given much thought to. I have chronic pain,so she told me that could also affect the depression side of my bi-polar disorder. I now have given myself permission to go ahead and treat the pain with the medicines that have been prescribed for me. It does seem to be helping some. I can't believe I have to wait another month before I can get in to see another new therapist. I hope she will be as good as the one I had. I need someone to talk to really bad. I just seem to be struggling more and more. I am trying not to use some of my old "bad" coping skills. Writing helps some, so I decided to blog. Besides it's a harmless coping skill.

Encouragement

As I sat down at my computer tonight I was crying from physical and emotional pain. I decided to visit some of my blogging friend sites instead of posting. Every site I went to was so encouraging and up lifting it sparked a bit of hope in my defeated spirit. Each site spoke of hope or the love of God. They reminded me of things I know, but the cares of the last few days had made me forget. I am so thankful for all my friends in blogging land. YOU have really made a difference for me tonight.

The Year in Review

As I look back over the past year there were many changes. There was some personal growth and some hard times. Being on disability has been a real adjustment for me. As a former workaholic, the adjustment has been very difficult. My job had always defined me. It was who I was. Learning this year that there was more to me than just a job has been difficult. My bi-polar disorder has been so uncontrolled this year and the lupus like symptoms have caused me a lot of problems also.
One good physical thing was I lost 50lbs. (Christmas may have put a couple back on). My faith has grown stronger this year and I am trusting a few people which is new for me. I am seeing a new therapist and have high hope this will teach me more new coping skills. I have enjoyed following so many of my blogging friends this year. My year is ending on a note of hope and feeling that more growth will follow next year.

Happy Birthday Jesus! Merry Christmas to ALL!

Funny Christmas Story

People that know me know that I am always try to do something I should get help with. I am not very tall, only 5' 2'', so I decide to put up this 7'6" tree by myself. You know the type too impatient to wait for help. Finally I managed to get all the part together. The tree was in the stand and miracle of miracle I got all the light working. Being rather pleased with my handy work I was down on my knees putting the tree skirt around the tree, when the whole tree feel on top of me. Thinking not so merry Christmas thoughts I scrambled from under the tree. Since the tree was still in one piece I decide I would try to stand that 71/2foot monster back up and tighten the screws on the stand. wow! It was done. I looked a little worst for wear. Finally all of the ornaments and tinsel were in place. The tree was firmly standing by the fireplace and all was well.

THANKFUL

1. I'm thankful for a God who cares for me.
2. I'm thankful for my children whom I love dearly.
3. I'm thankful for my friend who stand by me when things are rough.
4. I'm thankful for doctors who take care of my physical and mental needs.
5. I'm thankful for my blogging pals and the good advise they give.
6. I'm thankful for a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep at night.
7. I'm thankful for a car that gets me where I need to go.
8. I'm thankful for food on the table.
9. I'm thankful for chocolate.
10. I'm most thankful knowing that there are those that love and care about me.
    

Trying to Stay Out of the Hospital

Hi everyone. Sorry I have been out of touch. They are still having trouble adjusting my medications and I'm having difficulty paying for them. Maybe the new President will have a better plan to pay for expensive drugs for the "middle class" (I use that term lightly-since I really come closer to the poverty level.) But I won't get into that less I offend someone. My moods are still jumping between manic and severe depression, but I'm hanging in there. My doctor was talking about putting me back in the hospital, which I really don't think will help. I truly believe I am being tested to see how much I can take before going totally crazy. Last night there was a storm that blew part of my roof off, I blew out a tire today, and of course I'm broke and 6 days away from payday. I'm really am in a pretty good mood. I have been thinking I want a dog. I think that would be good to have a sweet little puppy, but I need to wait until I'm sure my mood is clear. Well I guess I am rambling so hope to see you all soon.

This & That

Well I'm still a bit manic, but at least I've had two nights sleep. Raine you hit it one the money ! My doctor tried Seroquel. She only wants me on it for a short time because it can cause you to want to want to eat more and give you a real "Sweet tooth" Like I don't already have that problem.

Today I went to see a credit counselor and he said I didn't make enough money for him to help. Now how sad is that? If it were not so sad I would be laughing my pants off. So I'm a little twisted. I guess that happens after two weeks of no sleep. The counselor did tell me of a program for cheaper food called "Angel Food". I think I'm going to give it a try. Every little bit helps when you on a tight budget. All thing considered I have been in a great mood. ANYTHING is better than depression!

My friend and I are talking about making a quilt for the homeless people. We have never done any thing like that before and thought it would be fun and a nice thing to do. Neither of us sew or quilt, but there is always a first time for everything.

Lack of sleep

It has now been a week with a total of 8 hours sleep for the the entire week. My doctor gave me ambien last night and I slept 4 of the 8 hours. I am so wide awake it is scary. I'm way past the "fun" stage. I guess they haven't quite got the meds right yet. At least I not depressed. :) "big happy face." The first few night I went out and did stuff,but I have been making my self stay in bed the last few days. Anyone have any sleep time suggestions?

Hospital

I just got out of the hospital after ten days. I had sever depression after a manic phase. They did some medication adjustment and I'm feeling better. The medicine is making a bit tired however. I'll try to get around to everyone blog and catch up on what has been happening soon. Missed everybody.

Frozen by Depression & Fear

Doing the simplest things are becoming almost impossible for me to do. I'm so depressed I get a panic attack just going into the next room. I'm having flashbacks really bad. I see my doctor and therapist both on Thursday. I put a call in to my doctor today because the attacks and flashbacks where so bad,but I did not get a call back. I hope tomorrow is better. I'm sorry I haven't been around to many blogs.

Looking For Information

I'm on permanent disability and my Medicare goes into effect December 1, 2008. I am on a lot of expensive medications. I in fact I will reach the " doughnut hole" the first month I am on Medicare. The major problem is my monthly medications cost more than my disability check. I am told I make to much money to get state assistance. Has anyone else ran into this type of problem or know of any type of programs to help?

Not Sleeping Again

Last night I didn't sleep at all. I hoping this isn't the beginning of another manic episode,because I crashed so hard after the last one. I did a rough sketch for my next painting. It's going to be a park scene. I now have to pick up a few more tubes of paint after I get paid. (lol) See I can't be manic right now I have no money and I given my credit card to my son to hold on to for a few days. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to therapy. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, so I'll write later when I'm less scattered.

New Therapist

I finally got in to see my new therapist today. I have already had to make a contract with her not to quit if things become uncomfortable, because she would back off and work on some thing else for a while. Just from the basic interview questions she said we had a "plate full" to work on. She had to work me in on a lunch hour next time to get me in as soon as she wanted to see me back, and that impressed me. I booked up with her ever two weeks through October now. I did tell her about the flash backs and the lost block of time and they were not related to drinking in any way. She seemed interested. Maybe this is going to work. I told her I really needed some extra support right now and she agreed. I am hopeful this is the right step. I am trying to work on my problems,so that can't be all bad.

Questions about Birthdays

Why are birthday so hard if you have been abused? My oldest child and I share the same birthday tomorrow and I can not get excited about it. I just get this sick feeling in my stomach a lot of bad memories. Having my child on my birthday was a wonderful memory. At the time I did not know I was married to a pedophile. It was much later that I found out I had married my worst nightmare.( He is now serving 50 years in prison and was my X at the time we found out.) I have hear others say that their birthdays are hard. Is it because we were not wanted? Is it remembering bad days on our birthdays? Is it just the lack of love we felt? Does anyone know what makes birthdays so bad?

My Sister

My sister isn't going to get to come and visit because she got some bad news on her medical report. My sister is 4 years younger than I am and has some serious health issues. She just found out she has 4th stage renal disease. She is getting set up with a specialist to see what type of treatment plan she will need to be on and the prognosis. She is so young to be so sick. My sister has always been my memory to my past. She lived with my Grandmother instead of my Mom and Step dad. All of us kids have some kind of problems from our past. It just seems unfair that health has to be another problem. Please pray that the renal disease is still treatable. This could be very very serious.

Thank You

Well I'm feeling better now. I don't know if it was because I was trying to stretch my mood stabilizers until I got paid or what caused this depression to be so bad. Anyway I'm back on the correct dosage of medicine and am feeling much better. I do want to thank all the kind words of encouragement and prayers. I don't think I'll be trying something that stupid again in the near future. It is not unusual for me to have a period of depression after a manic episode, but this one was way out of control. Today is the first day without tears. Yeah! I did decide not to go to a church member funeral today,because I thought it might be pushing myself too much. I did not know her real well so I thought it would be better to take care of myself. I also got a call from my doctor saying some of my lab work was really off, which could have also have made the depression worst. Stacy was wanting us to come up with something funny or happy, since I can't think of anything funny,so here is my happy news. I lost 69 lbs:)

I'M OK

JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW I OK. I TRY TO WRITE MORE TOMORROW.

Interrupted

Earlier this evening as I set holding a bottle of pills in my hand and my phone range. I didn't pick it up then my cell rang which interrupted what I was thinking of doing. It was a friend, she knew I was depressed, but I don't think she knew how depressed I was. I had been crying and thinking I just could not take it any longer. After talking to her I realized that I could not let him win. I am just so tired of feeling so sad. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the body memories. I'm hoping the therapist I see on August 7,2008 will help. I feel if I can not get some of this out I'm going to die. I am trying some of the tips from Dr Deb post on flashbacks. Trying to keep grounded is the hardest. My son doesn't understand this at all, which makes me feel bad. I'm so depressed I don't feel like doing anything.

Daddy's Home "Triggering"

When Daddy came home, I pulled my blanket to my chin. I shut my eyes tight to look like I am asleep.But then he would close the door behind him. The touch he brought was oh so rough and
caused great pain. I tried to make it all go away. I begged Daddy please stop, it hurts I cried. He would keep going until he was satisfied Not hearing my cries or seeing my pain. He only cared his needs were met. Not that my life will now forever be changed. " the littles"

Manic Trip

Being manic can sure get you in trouble, but can also be fun if you don't go broke. I have a friend that is very bad for me when I manic, because she has money and I don't. Any way we took off on a 8 hour drive to Grace Land to see where the King had lived. We walked, talked, ate, and did every thing but sleep. No she is not bi-polar, but I kept her awake. The next day we go to the strip and gamble. Big mistake. Should not be there when you are manic. My feet are not even close to touching the earth. Drinks were free,but I only had one,but I was acting totally silly.My mouth was running a 100 miles per hour, so again we had little sleep. Beside that we got lost finding the motel . Day 3 was a repeat of day 2, I am still wired and can not sleep. We have a 8 hour drive the next day. We got home safely. I don't think she wants to take me any where else when I'm manic ever again. She slept 12 the next day and has had to take a nap ever day since the trip. I am finally not manic and I am hoping I don't have a major depression coming around the corner. Yes I did spend too much money.

Picture for my Bedroom

TRIGGER WARNING

Broken No More

I was just a little girl of four,
When my daddy started coming to my door.
He said his touch was a special treat,
For his girl innocent and sweet.

I learned to cry myself to sleep.
The pain I felt was far to deep.
The room felt oh so dark and cold.
Oh the damage to my soul.

I learned the rules and played the game.
My life would never be the same.
The hate I felt, I turned within.
This was all because of his sin.

The walls I built turned my heart to stone.
No one could see I was all alone.
I never learned to laugh and play.
I only learned to run away.

Jesus looked down and saw my pain.
He wants to rid me of my shame.
He saw the beauty hidden within.
Jesus is putting me back together again.

Today I was working on a painting for my bedroom. Just some pretty flowers that match my Victorian room and I started thinking about my heart real desire to some how get the message out to prevent child abuse. I'm thinking about trying to put this poem on canvas. The horror the molested and abused child feels. Words can not real show the fear the child feels. Only an abused child's eyes can see this horror. I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this,but I have a real strong feeling about it. I feel I really must let this child speak on canvas.

I haven't been feeling well so I haven't written in a while. I had a flare up of the lupus symptoms and have been in a lot of pain. I doing better now. I pick up a few more art supplies for my next project. As soon as I can use my hands again I'll start on my next piece. My mood has been more stable, but when I said that this morning my son had a big belly laugh. He said he never seen anyone change as quickly from one mood to the next as I do. WELL!!!! I guess he told me! Hopefully I feel better next week and can do more.

Light in Darkness

Art Class

I've have been thinking about possibly taking a course in oil painting here are two of my paintings. Do you think it is some thing I might try or should I just keep painting on my own and see where it goes?

Unexpected Acts Of Kindness

After a long period of rough times one of the best feelings is to have a series of unexpected acts of kindness to happen all in the same day. To get a hug from a friend, to receive a phone call telling you that you are not alone, to receive a unexpected gift, an e-mail from a friend you hadn't heard from in along time, and last but not least encouragement from your blogging friends. This was a day I needed. I cried,laughed,and went to sleep in peace.

My Sister Is Coming

My 1/2 sister is coming on the 22nd and I am having emotion from one end of the spectrum to the other. I'm very busy doing all the things you do when you have out of town guest coming. Deep cleaning the house and trying to plan so every thing will be perfect. But on the other hand I'm having apprehensive thoughts about the past. When I was very young I started having 'black outs" with "lost periods of time". At 18 I had a complete break down, was put in the hospital, wiped out my past, and then left home. I soon married believing I was a virgin and we tried for several years to get pregnant. I was told my internal organ were messed up and I might never have children,but I got pregnant. After the birth of my child I start having frequent "blackouts" and "waking nightmares". I was placed in a mental hospital and diagnosed with PTSD with dissociation. I called my sister who could not believe I did not remember the repeated rapes by my step dad. So you see I am worried about stirring up the memories. My step dad was cruel as well as sexually abusive. All of my family suffer today from his abuse from years gone by in one way or another.

Hope

I saw my doctor today and she insisted that I see a therapist that specializes in PTSD who also has a background with Eating Disorders. I can't get in to see her until August 7th, but I think this might really help.(I'm on her cancellation list for a sooner appointment) I have to see the doctor again in two week. She has added Xanax routinely every day and a BP medicine at night,which is to help with the nightmares. My doctor also told me to call her if I needed to be seen sooner and she would work me in. All in all I feel I have a safety net now,

Dark Memories

Dark memories still fill my mind each day,
Like the fog in the damp and the cold.
They take me to dark places,
How can memories be so bold?

I try to fight these memories of old,
By puling my blanket over my head.
I know when they take me,
I will tremble in fear and dread.

How these memories from so long ago,
Still trouble me so deeply, even my soul?
Only a child then, these memories still have a hold.
To take me to dark places no one should go.

I try to rewrite new memories each day.
I look for new joy in all the good thing that I see.
But at night in the darkness, these memories try to stay.
Someday these dark memories,will have no hold over me. Wanda Arthington

SAFE

I just want to let everyone know I am safe. Still in pain, but safe. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

TRIGGER WARNING

I'm falling apart right now. I'm having frequent flashbacks, feeling of wanting to harm myself and I can't stop crying. I'm in physical pain.My support system has collapsed.Oh God I wish this would just stop. I see my doctor on the 3rd. I hope I can hold on that long. If I would call the clinic tonight they would send the police to have me admitted and I can't afford that.I am going to find a safe place and hold my teddy bear until these feelings pass.

Flashback

"trigger warning" My sister coming to visit has trigger some memories and causes me to have some dreams and now a feeling flashback. My sister helped me remember a lot of my lost childhood memories. The flashback hit me fast last night.So fast I could not get any one for help. Curled up in a fetal position I felt his cold rough hands pulling my hands and legs away from my body. A sharp sting cross my face as the taste of blood fills my mouth. Again I feel his rough hands pulling on my pj bottoms.I pull back and hang on to them tightly until I feel another burning slap on my mouth and more bloody taste fills mouth. I shut my eyes and leave. Kicking and screaming a small voice fights his tightening grip. Then the pain down there. So much pain. Sobbing and praying this would end. Icky hot stuff all over my leg as he moans and groans. It didn't happen. Sobbing and shaking mes knows it happened again.

Five Positive Things

1. My doctor saved me $55.00 by giving me sample antibiotics for my upper respiratory infection.
2. My little sister called last night and she is coming to visit me for 5 days in July. It's been 4 years since we seen each other.(jumping for joy!)
3. My car is running good for the first time in over a year.
4. I didn't get any bills in the mail today.
5. My son has been very helpful today since I haven't felt well.
   

I'm Angry

I am so angry I can hardly stand it. What has got me so upset? My loss of control over my life. Eighteen months ago I became so sick I could no longer work. At that time I was diagnosed with connective tissue disease (an autoimmune disease similar to lupus). I have had PTSD with dissociation since I was a teenager and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in my early 20's. I was able to work with a few hospital admits ,but I had a good job working as a supervisor and making good money. I was a single mother raising two special needs children. Now I am praying I make it from pay day to pay day.OVER ONE HALF of what I earn from SSD goes to medical bills. (drugs and insurance) They say I make too much money to get help from the state with my medical bills. I don't see why we can't get food stamps or something. I've been crying all day because my oldest child ask me for some money for her electric bill and I didn't have any thing to give her. something has to be done to help those that fall between the cracks, You shouldn't have to chose between electric, medicine or food. IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!

LAZY

I'm feeling a bit lazy today. Finally got my car back from the shop, so I had to do some grocery shopping. We were out of everything and I can't live without my diet coke. The car cost more than the tax rebate check so we really got to pinch our pennies for the rest of the month (not like that is something that is real new in this house any way:). There has been so much rain and it has been hot. My allergies are killing me. All I do is cough and it is so hard to breath with my asthma. I just love being so healthy. Oh boy it almost time for dinner. Another weight watcher frozen dinner. Yum. maybe in six more month I will have reached my goal.

WHY

Why do some daddy hurt little girls? Wendy

Tax Rebate Check

Well it seems my tax rebate check came in the mail just in time to repair my car. My car is jumping like a rabbit in heat at every stop light. I think the idle is messed up. I'm hoping to find an honest person to work on the car. The air conditioner is also cutting off and on and with this hot weather that has got to be fixed also. I just thank God the check came so I can get the repairs done. (Hopefully it's enough to cover the cost!) Just kiss that money good bye:)

Ugh

It's raining, the house is clean, I'm broke, there's no gas in the car , and I'm MANIC!

Isolation

I'm not sure how to over come the isolation I feel in my church since we have a new pastor. The minister of music is great, but I just don't feel like I belong anymore. I had requested the pastor call me three times and he never called. I missed several weeks and seem nobody cares.It used to be such a caring place. It makes me so sad. I talked with my good fried PK and she feels something is wrong too. I know I am a person with needs,but church is somewhere you should be able to get your need met. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Child Within

My child with in is hurting badly right now and needs to say some things. I usually don't let her talk, but she helped me when thing where so bad when I was a child and she need to speak now. I have PTSD and Bipolar both are very real and affect my life daily. She holds hidden memories that I'm not strong enough to face. She is my friend.
Hi, my name is Wendy(shuffle feet).The nice doctor wasn't nice. He played a joke on us. He said he care,but did not. He was like daddy. He makes me cry inside. Wanda doesn't believe it. I know he was not nice. I wish Wanda would listen to me. I can tell when some one is going to hurt you . I want to have fun to but you can not trust big men. THEY HURT YOU

I wonder how much the connective tissue disease is is effecting my bipolar disorder. I feel I am come down hard from my manic state,but I'm in so much pain I can barely walk. I have the face and arm rash going on. I'm so depressed now it's terrible. It happens so fast also. I'll try to check in on every one soon . I think of you all a lot.