Someone asked me yesterday "What is your purpose in life?"  I had to say that it was to help those that had been abused and wounded. Abuse can change the entire way a person relates to life. I know it did for me. It breaks a person. There reactions and beliefs are not the same as those who were never abused. The trust level is  so different. They frequently are repeat victims because it seems "normal". As I heal I want to share a hope of a better life.  Breaking the cycle of abuse is a deliberate choice. It takes work and therapy and the help of God. I am healing. I am not there yet, but I have come a long way. I want to give hope to those that are hurting. Part of the abuse damage is never knowing love. I am so blessed that my children taught me how to love and receive love.

Tears

Hot tears stream down my face

Washing away the pain from deep within 

My heart is breaking yet no one can see

Surrounded by a crowd but still all alone 

A smile hides the burning pain within 

A mask that melts in the darkness of my room

Alone with my tears no hiding here

My tears burn hot to cleanse and heal

The gentle touch from a kind person's hand

Loving words spoken softly help brush my tears away

These tears that only love can heal

A Rose, A Teddy Bear, Dinner, And Tears

Holidays have been bitter sweet for me since Chris' death. I am very thankful to have Alice here. She brings a smile to my face. There is still that hole that misses Chris. What did Mother's Day bring me this year? A rose, a teddy bear, dinner, and tears. Each one leaves a warm place in my heart. I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful day. Again Happy Mother's Day.

What Mother's Day Means To Me

What Mother's Day means to me. 

I think Mother's Day should be called Children's Day.

God's greatest gift to me were my children.

To look into their eyes, to hold their little hands.

Watching them grow, play games, develop their own personalities.

Seeing their first love, grow into adults and return my love.

I know Mother's Day is a time to honor our Mothers.

Having come from a very abusive home this has been hard.

I don't have that warm fuzzy feeling.

I have forgiven my Mom and understand she did the best she could.

Still Mother's Day is all about my children.

Hearing them say  "Thanks for always being there for me."

Children are indeed a gift from God and should be treated as such.

I hope I have not offended anyone, but this is just what Mother's Day has come to mean to me.

Update

My sister has stabilize, but is not yet out of the woods. They did surgery on her kidneys so hopeful she will not have to stay on dialysis. She still has a massive infection but is doing better.

I  was unable to take the new lupus drug. I got the "runs" so bad I could not get a  few feet away from the toilet. I also developed blisters on the bottom of my feet. This was with one pill! We are going to wait a week to see what to try next. I am checking with my insurance to see if the cover the new medication she is recommending.

On a more pleasant note I feel better than yesterday. I am hoping for a peaceful weekend.

Urgent Prayer Request

 Urgent Prayer Request

My sister is in critical condition. She is in renal failure and is septic.

 

Manic Monday

 Angels Watching Over Me

Looks like it's going to be one of those manic Mondays. I went to see my rematologist today to go over my lab work and treatment plan. The good news is my lupus syndrome is not effecting my internal organs.   The bad news is that my inflammation level is worst than it has ever been. My joint and tissues are being effected. We will be starting two new medications and slowly increase on the one med every week for the next three weeks. This should help the pain and inflammation.

I heard a song on the way home that used to be one of Chris' favorite songs. I stopped by the cemetery to visit him. I miss him so much. I You Tube his song so you could see what a crazy guy he was.

We still have one more appointment to take Alice today.  She will have to use her walker today instead of her wheelchair.This will be a hard day for her.  We have started a diet which make us grumpy. Why is it always when you are on a diet you think of food all the time.

Gratitude

Gratitude:The quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. I am trying to do this on a daily bases. Today I am thankful for my friends. Let me make a list.

1. AA
2. AJ
3. DM
4. EK
5. EB
6. J F
7. LM
8. RS
9. SF
10. SW
11. WB
12. YH

These are the people that are close to me and help me through the rough times. Never in my life have I had so many people that really care about me! I am also blessed with many cyber friends that encourage me and give me support. I have found my blog a source of healing and sharing. Thank you all for listening to me. It really means a lot to me to be able to open up and share the secrets of my heart.  Your comments are taken to heart and have been very healing.

Domestic Violence - My Story

My blog is a place to heal, share and grow. In therapy this is what I'm working on. If one person can be helped by my story then it is worth sharing. This may be upsetting to some, so read in a safe place.

I was young and recovering from an abusive childhood. I meet my knight in shinning armor. He was tall, blonde and had big brown eyes. He told me I was cute and I ate that up. We had a whirlwind romance and were married in 6 months. What could be better? He was a preacher kid and we meet in church. 

After a short period of time he hit me in the face. What did I do? I must have deserved it. It was my fault I am sure. The next day flower came and he said he was sorry. This would never happen again but it did! This continued for awhile but things got worst.

After one of our fights I ran out of the apartment. He tackled me on the front lawn. It was no contest because he was over 6 foot and I was only 5 foot 2 inches. As he was dragging me back to the apartment a neighbor yelled at him. He replied "It's OK she's my wife". He drugged me up to the apartment, ripped my clothes off and proceeded to brutally rape me. Curled up in a fetal position I thought "It's OK she's my wife."n

I began nursing school and worked full time. People begin to question why I was covered with bruises. Of course I had fallen down stairs a number of time.  He decided to have an affair so we separated about 6 months. He had "changed" and promised he would never hit me or have an affair again. Was I stupid ? Yes!

We soon started a family. All was going well with the birth of my first child.  Two and a half years latter I became pregnant with my second child. He then started hitting me on  the top of my head and telling me how fat and stupid I was.When you are hit on the top of your head it leaves no marks.

The worst thing I remember was being shoved out of the car. As I was walking down the street bloody and confused he pulled up beside me and said " Take these damn kids". We walked to ER where I said I had a car accident. DHS was called and we spent the night in a shelter.

We then agreed something had to change. We agreed to start going to church and seeing counseling. This was wonderful. We had family dinners together, went to church together, and enjoyed the kids ball games. Unfortunately this didn't last too long.

The last beating my son called the police. I knew then this was effecting the children so it had to end. The police took the kids and I to a safe house. I filed a protective order and started the divorce proceedings. I always felt the kids were safe, but it left emotional scars. I really wish I had gotten out sooner and was not so afraid of my ex husband.I feel very lucky that I got out alive and my children were never physically injured.





 

Therapy

Therapy has been very difficult the last few weeks. It has taken my mind to a darker place. Remembering  painful images has caused me to be very edgy and sleep deprived. I also believe that physically not feeling well contributes to the problem. My therapist is telling me I am doing good work and this will help me heal. Sometimes I think I am just too old for this. I guess there is no age limit on being whole. My goal for healing is to be able to help and encourage other so I guess it is worth the discomfort now.

Humpty Dumpty

  

"Humpty  Dumpty set on a wall
My first four years of life
Innocent and pure

s

Humpty Dumpty took a great fall
12 years of childhood  sexual, physical, and mental abuse 

24 years of marital sexual, physical, and mental abuse
{Domestic Violence}
 Rejections 

The death of my beloved son

All the king's horses and all the king's men

 Friends and family
My children

The good things in my life
Church

Therapy

Couldn't put Humpty back together again"
God can You put me back together again?

Ups And Downs

Its totally crazy that the least little thing can put me on an emotional roller coaster.

I have found something I really enjoyed doing. It's fabric painting. My first attempt was a set of pillow cases for a dear set of friends. I wish I had scanned them so  I could have posted them. They weren't perfect, but I think they are pretty good. They were pink flowers on a green vein. I have an idea for some tee shirts I want to try. It is so much fun!

I got very upset about a lawn care notice I got today.  I called the complex and the said it was just "trim" notice. They apparently did not like how it was trimmed.  A friend does my lawn care and there is NO WAY I'm going to say anything to him! My complex can be so anal.
 
Therapy was really rough today. I  really hope talking about some of this stuff will be helpful. My therapist told me to call her if things got too rough. She was also checking to make sure I have a good  support system in place. She wanted to know about my weekend plans to make sure I was not alone. I told her about my small group meeting on Sunday and she just wanted to make sure I stayed safe.

I Not Sure What To Do

I'm really not sure what to do. I have been having a lot of pain from my arthritis and lupus syndrome. I am having difficulty walking. My SED rate is very elevated. This measures inflammation. My doctor is talking about starting me on a new drug. The problem is the medication can be dangerous and has a lot of side effects. I know one person on the drug and it makes her very sick the day she takes it. It is only taken one day  a week. The medicine really helps her the rest of the week and she is able to carry on a normal life style. I am not sure it is worth the risks. I see the doctor in a couple of weeks and that is when we will make the decision. I will be praying that I make the right decision.

On another note, my cat had what looked like a tumor growing on his belly. I took him to the vet today to find out it was just a large fat pad. Boy did I feel stupid. We are suppose to slowly cut back the amount of food he eats. He is NOT a happy camper! He cries like a baby for more food and rubs against the cabinet the food is kept in. I guess this will just be a slow project.

I am a little nervous about my therapy appointment this week. I had a lot of intense homework that stirred up a lot of emotions. I do want to heal. I guess anything worth having takes some work and pain to get to the final result.

What God Had To Say

I tried writing a letter to God.I discovered I had too many questions that I had no answers to. I also discover that my questions made me angry. I know God knows this and excepts me as I am, but I was too angry with God to share the letter.
Here is the letter God wrote to me:

Dearest Wanda,
 I know all your pain. I know how broken and damaged you are from all that has happen to you. I know you are angry and hurt that I did not prevent these horrible things that happened to you. Your brokenness and damage can be healed. You are not too damaged to heal. Yes it will take faith, love of friends, hard work, and therapy to fix all the damage that has been done, but it is possible. Don't give up because you are worth the effort.
You deserve to heal because you have so much goodness and love inside you. You can help other broken people. You have already had a positive influence on many lives. You truly deserve the peace that comes from healing.
You are worthy to heal. Your life can be a blessing to other wounded people. Your kindness and love for others makes you so worthy to heal.
My desire is for you to be healed and whole.
Love,
God     

A Letter From God

In therapy I was given the assignment to write a letter from God. The letter is suppose to contain three items. 

1. Why I deserve to heal
2. Why I am not to damaged to heal
3. Why I am worthy to heal

I have always thought of myself as "damaged goods". I have never thought of myself as deserving to be whole or worthy to be healed. I have some how felt that all the things that have happened in my life were some how my fault. If I had been stronger or a better person these things would not have happened. I have never thought of myself as loveable or deserving of love. I have always been afraid of  God. I have thought Jesus was cool, but have been fearful of letting go and trusting God. A bit crazy right? When I get the letter done I might post it. I am having some difficulty composing the letter.

The Ramp That Soutpark Built!

Men Starting To Build The Deck 

A Work In Progress

 Neither Rain Nor Sunshine Will Stop This Project

 A Step Closer

Alice Ready For A Test Drive

 Ready To Take The Old Deck Away
THANK YOU SOUTHPARK!
A Special Thanks To Joel Who Headed The Project

It Hurts

Somebody just knocked at my door looking for Chris. They said '' you know your son that builds computes."
 Yes they were looking for my Chris. They described him to a tee.They said they thought they say him a  few days ago. I had to tell them he was gone and that the were mistaken about seeing him. I couldn't help it, I cried. It still hurts so bad! I miss him so much.

Sooo Exhausted!

I'm so exhausted. It's been 48 hours with zero sleep and I'm only getting 2-3 hours sleep on "good" nights! I'm feeling pulled in so many directions that I think I'm going to come apart at the seams. I guess my anxiety  level is through the roof. I'm so tired I actually started crying because I needed to do some grocery shopping. I just couldn't do it! I am in severe physical pain due to a flare up of my lupus. My balance is really off too. I fell in the bathtub and really bruised both of my legs. I looked up some side effects of some of my medications and that might be some of the problem. I see my physician on Thursday and am going to talk with him about this. Friday and Saturday I'm going to spend some time at my friends house to give myself a break. I just need some FUN! 

Why Don't I Remember?

Can anyone relate to not remembering traumatic events? I talked with my best friend and sister today and both of them told me about events that I just can't remember. The one event was only about 15 years ago when I asked my friend to borrow some money to bail my X out of jail. I just don't remember it at all. I can't remember why he was in jail or anything about it!

My sister was telling all sorts of things that I just don't remember. I do know my childhood was very traumatic. I know my step dad was cruel and sexually abused both my sister and I, but mostly from what I have been told. I can only remember one horrible sexual assault my step dad made. Mostly my mind is a big blank slate.

The most traumatic event ever in my life was when my Chris died. I can remember every detail and emotion I felt. Maybe it's true that there is nothing more traumatic than the death of your child. Maybe that is why the pain is so great even today.

I was just wondering if this was just a coping skill I developed when I was young just to block every thing bad out of my life. I'm am just curious if this has happened to anyone else.

It Died!

My computer just died. It started giving me all these errors, then it just died. I'm using Alice's laptop. It's going to take me about 6 months before I can afford a new one. I hate that the computer died because Chris gave the computer. Yes I cried. RIP computer. I'm glad Alice loaned me her laptop.