FAILURE

I feel like such a failure today. I can't seem to do anything right, Right now I just want to hide from the world and hurt myself. I see my therapist tomorrow, but that seems like a life time away. I can't stop crying and feel I am totally out of control. I want to drink myself numb and I don't even drink. I just am not coping at all right now! If I can just remember tomorrow will be better, I think I can make it through the night. Iam really hurting!

Out of Control

I hung in there for the holidays but I feel everything is coming apart at the seams. Holidays are hard for me, but I did good Thanksgiving day. It has been the days that follow that are really rough. My food is out of control, I binge then purge. I'm sick of this type of living. I sick of being depressed when everyone seems so happy. I'm tired of crying even if I know it is normal for the healing process. I think I am going to call my therapist. I am so sad I not sure I can wait until tomorrow.I'm going back to bed.

Black Friday

I WANT TO SPEND MONEY! It is black Friday, I'm manic, and broke. This is not good. I'm trying to keep myself busy around the house. Maybe I'll put up the Christmas tree. That would keep me busy. I hate when I get this way. I'll give the car keys to my son, so I can not go out shopping. Yes concentrating on decorating and that will keep me busy.

Busy

I'm getting ready for tomorrow. Cleaning, baking pies and making sure every thing is alright. Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving

Right now I am hurting both physically and emotionally, but I still have things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my church. I am thankful for food on the table. I am thankful for my friends both on line and and three D. There is always something to be thankful for even in the hardest times. I wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving,

Extra Help For The Holidays

My therapist has increased how frequently she is seeing me right now due to the holidays. I will be seeing her weekly right now. She has been so good at helping me through some really rough spots. My psychiatrist had me see my PCP because of my purging. She had lab and ECG done. My ECG was abnormal so they have me set up for cardiology testing, My tremors have not improved, so they are going to send me to a neurologist. I am suppose to be keeping a food journal and be eating 6 small meals a day. That just seems so wrong to me. I almost never eat breakfast and some times no lunch. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my weight. I'm not a small person, so I think this is the wrong thing to do. It looks like I will be spending all my time and money on doctors. Wish me luck over the next couple of months. This is really a hard time for me. It will also be the first year that I will not be able to see my oldest child for the holidays.

Thank You

For all our Veterans Thank You !

Hope In Darkness

Hope can be what saves each one of us. We may find it it in a song. A kind word. The eyes of a child. It might come when we think we can no longer make it. It comes to each of us differently. Today I take hope instead of hopelessness.

I Can Not Control Everything

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Today this is what I need to remember. I can not control every thing. There are things that are out of my control. I need to place those in God's hand. Change what I can, but know what I can not change. I try so hard to control everything. I think I'm such a control freak because my past was so out of my control.

Feeling Almost Human

I am not sure what I had, but I sure am glad to feel almost human again. I think working in a doctors office can expose you to just about anything. I am still weak but so much better. I try to get around to some of your blogs, but it is going to be slow. I feel there is so much to catch up on.

Not Feeling Well

I have been under the weather. Hopefully I will soon feel better.

Stop Messing With Me

• I feel things are out of control and I can't manage them. God says I will supply all your needs.
• I am always worried and frustrated. God says cast your cares on Me.
• I can't figure things out right now. God says I will direct your path

I have to have something to stand on now. I am told if you speak the word then God can make things happen. A lot of bad stuff is going on right now, so it was important I write this post. If you pray please do so for me right now. I am at my wits end.

I Want To Encourage Someone

It seems a lot of my blogger friends are struggling now. I have been too. I am not sure the reason, but everyone seems down. This is a weekend, so let us all try to enjoy it. Find one thing that you feel good about. Just one thing and think about that. Mine is MY SON LOVES ME UNCONDITIONAL. That is cool. If everyone thinks of one thing what a list we would have. Let's try to reflect on one good thing today.

Walking In The Rain

A brisk walk in the rain felt good. The splashing in the puddles made me feel like a child. The cool drops splashing on my face and arms gave me goose bumps. It was nice to feel nature breathing on me. It seemed to help lift the depression. I enjoyed the time alone with nature and enjoyed the little things in life.

Who Would I Have Been?

If the abuse had not of happen, who would I have been. I am a very kind person who hate to see injustice to any human. I care deeply. I don't trust people easily. I don't like myself much. My faith is weaker than it should be. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy. I am still hurting. I still have the nightmares. I am flawed. I am still alive. I have not totally given up. I still fight for the right. I HAVE ISSUES! Eating disorder,SI,plus a chemical imbalance. Will I ever know who I am? I feel so alone, but God says He will never leave or forsake me.

Need for Perfection

I really get down on myself if I feel I can not do something perfect. I don't think I am going to be able to work at different clinics because everything is done differently at each clinic. I must feel in total control and I don't. I am trying to pick up a few hours to supplement my disability. I used to be so good at my job, now doing any type of work is a struggle. How can so much be taken and you still have any confidence. I hate the shaking part. Just venting after a frustrating day.

Therarpist & Eating Disorder

Bulimia Nervosa

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"Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food (e.g., binge-eating), and feeling a lack of control over the eating. This binge-eating is followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics), fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Unlike anorexia, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their age and weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly, because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binging and purging cycle usually repeats several times a week. Similar to anorexia, people with bulimia often have coexisting psychological illnesses, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse problems. Many physical conditions result from the purging aspect of the illness, including electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal problems, and oral and tooth-related problems.

Other symptoms include:

• chronically inflamed and sore throat
• swollen glands in the neck and below the jaw
• worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acids
• gastroesophageal reflux disorder
• intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
• kidney problems from diuretic abuse
• severe dehydration from purging of fluids

As with anorexia, TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA often involves a combination of options and depends on the needs of the individual.

To reduce or eliminate binge and purge behavior, a patient may undergo nutritional counseling and psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or be prescribed medication. Some antidepressants, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), which is the only medication approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for treating bulimia, may help patients who also have depression and/or anxiety. It also appears to help reduce binge-eating and purging behavior, reduces the chance of relapse, and improves eating attitude."

I saw my therapist today and she was concerned about my SI and purging. She wants me to call her before I SI. She me if I can control the urge for 20 min it would pass. I think about it all the time. She is also concerned about my recent increase of laxatives and vomiting. I feel my weight is out of control, but this doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel my whole life is out of control right now. I have to gain some control. She say I have control of my time and I need to be attending some group meeting. We talked a lot about weight issues today and my eating disorder. I still very depressed.

Will I Ever Get Better?

My journey has been a long one. The night mares and flashbacks. What I do to myself. The cutting, the vomiting, laxatives, and self loathing. I never can measure up. I'm always flawed. My therapist says she wish I could see what she sees in me. I hurt so bad I feel my chest is going to burst. I feel my life is spiralling out of control. I try to do things that are helpful to other people. I try to hold on to my faith. HOW DO YOU HANG ON WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN? I am really struggling.

Rapid- Cycling Bipolar Disorder

"Some people may be diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. This is when a person has four or more episodes of major depression, mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a year. Some people experience more than one episode in a week, or even within one day. Rapid cycling seems to be more common in people who have severe bipolar disorder and may be more common in people who have their first episode at a younger age. One study found that people with rapid cycling had their first episode about four years earlier, during mid to late teen years, than people without rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Rapid cycling affects more women than men.

Bipolar disorder tends to worsen if it is not treated. Over time, a person may suffer more frequent and more severe episodes than when the illness first appeared. Also, delays in getting the correct diagnosis and treatment make a person more likely to experience personal, social, and work-related problems.

Proper diagnosis and treatment helps people with bipolar disorder lead healthy and productive lives. In most cases, treatment can help reduce the frequency and severity of episodes."

Friend Moving

One of my best friends is moving. She sold her house and will be moving to a different town. Right now she will be moving in with her daughter. We do things together on the weekends, so I am really going to miss her. We will still talk on the phone, but it won't be the same as going out to lunch. This is really going to be hard on me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I hate emotions!