Someday We Will Know

Someday in heaven all of life's trials will seem small. We will be reunited with those that have gone on before us. I know Chris is in heaven and I'm going to see him again. It seems like my life has more than it share of troubles, but I know Jesus loves me. It's going to be worth it someday.

Before The Morning ~ Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

No More Than We Can Bear

God promises not to give us more than we can bear. I believe that, but am really struggling today. Someday I have so many questions for God. It worries me that I have no desire to live. I'm not going to do anything active to end my life, but it worries me that I find no pleasures. Tomorrow will be better. I have to believe that!

ECT

I had an ECT treatment today and am really foggy from the anesthesia. My friend from church drove me home and nothing even looked familiar. I hoping these treatments help my bipolar. The treatment did nothing for my extreme sadness. I am beginning to think nothing will help what I am feeling. I just picture Chris in heaven and that is the only thing that keeps me going. I know time will make it better. I think I'm going to take a nap.

Hurting So Badly

I'm hurting so badly, I'm not sure I'll ever recover. I can not even begin to express the pain I feel from having lost Chris. Everything is a reminder. His room, his clothes, missing his laugh, and even missing when he was upset. I loved him so much. I've been through a lot in my life, but a love for a child is one of the greatest loves there is. I have to believe he is with Jesus and happy. Oh, the hole in my life. He was getting better over his anxiety disorder. He actually socialized a little. He was so smart. The world will be a less of a place without him. I wish I could understand why he was taken. Oh God why was his life cut so short? Why? I don't think the hole in my heart can be filled. I loved you so much Chris!

Been in the Hospital

I've been in the hospital. Been receiving elector shock treatments. I think it has been helping. I go back Friday for another treatment. They did some medication adjustment also. I think I'm feeling a little better.Stepping in the house was like stepping in a tomb. I MISS CHRIS SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! OH WHY WAS HE TAKEN???????? I hope you knew how much I loved you,Chris. I know you are in God's arms.

NOT DOING WELL!

On top of every thing else I'm not sleeping. I am getting really cranky. I don't know if my meds are messed up or if I have been under to much stress. I really feel like I am losing my mind. I want to hurt my self. I parked in ER for a hour last night thinking about going in and yelling at them that they killed my son. I keep wondering if they had admitted him the first time (2 days earlier) and started his treatment sooner,if he would have lived. I just can not get that out of my mind. I've left a message for my therapist to please call me back, but I don't think she got the message. NOT DOING WELL!

Headaches

I have been having severe headaches with numbness to the side of my face,slurred speech, and blurred vision. I am afraid to drive while having the headaches. I used to have migraine headaches, but those have been a lot better for some time. I don't want to be told I am just "stressed". I am going to try to set up an appointment Monday to be seen.

Can This Day Get Any Worst?

If one more bad "small" thing happens I think I'm going to loose it!

Jury Duty

Chris got a summons to serve jury duty today,Doesn't the government branches even talk to each other?????? I will try to take care of that tomorrow. I am really starting to fall apart with the hospital bills ,etc starting to come in. It feels like the wound is as fresh as it was several weeks ago. I tried to read my grief recovery book and just couldn't do it. Seem every time I take a step forward something happens to open up the wounds.

Don't Trust Myself

I just saw my therapist and I don't trust myself at all. She wants me to check in with her daily. She says my bipolar and the grief is making it very hard to tell what is going on. I'm making mistakes and took 4 of my sons sleeping pills instead of 4 of my anxiety pills. We took the same sleeper, but he took 100 mg vs my 25 mg. So I ended up taking 400 mg instead of my 25 mg. I sleep 20 hours. Before making that mistake I tried to take apart a disposable razor to cut with and I couldn't get it apart. I was so frustrated. I know I'm am in need of some serious help. Saturday I did not know the day of the week, because I hadn't slept in days. Why would God make someone like me?

Different Menu

Last year,ham, sweet potatoes, colored Easter eggs ,and of course 4 chocolate bunnies. This year a McDonald's sandwich and maybe a chocolate egg for one. You see my daughter and boyfriend moved out of state last July .I miss my kids so much! I actually forgot tomorrow was Sunday. At least I can call Alice and tell her how much I love her. Never forget to let them know how much you love them! They are the greatest gift we have.

I'm Manic

What poor timing to be manic. This is not one of my happy manic times. I'm just rattling off like a chatter box to who ever will listen to me. I almost spent my lot rate rental money. I'm not sleeping so I had better call the doctor in the morning. I sick of being bipolar. Well I guess that's life.

Spring & Easter is Around The Corner

Class

Last night was an introduction class. It is going to be a 2 hour class one night a week for 12 weeks. We will have homework. Already some stories have made me feel better.Not what I should feel, but what I feel is what I feel.

1. ''People have told me he is happy now ,so I should be happy for him." Yes I believe he is in heaven and am happy.YES I'M AM HAPPY FOR HIM,BUT I'M NOT HAPPY FOR ME!!!! I MISS HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!
2. ''He had problems and now is free of them. HE WAS GETTING BETTER AND I HAD HOPE HE COULD OVER COME THOSE PROBLEMS.
3. " You got to get on with your life" SOME TIMES I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT A LIFE WITHOUT HIM.
4. THIS CLASS IS GOING TO BE HARD WORK BUT ONLY I CAN DO IT.
5. Even Jesus wept over a death of a friend.
   

I Hurt But It's Spring

I am hurting all over today. Maybe it's the lupus. I'm tired and weary. Maybe it's just the constant sadness. I see my doctor for my joint injections tomorrow and also start my grief class. I can hardly reach my hand above my head to wash my hair.Lying down even hurts. Complaining isn't make it better. I think I have some flowers coming up.I like flowers even though I don't have a green thumb. I hear kids playing out doors, a true sign of spring.

Why Do Insurance Companies Have So Much Power?

It's a shame when an insurance companies can have so much power that they can decline life needed treatment.

30 Lbs

30 lbs can really make a difference on how your clothes fit. I hand to get some underwear because it was always in the wrong spot. I also go a pair of pants to. You can only wear sweats so long. Well I was finally able to take a very small bag of my son's clothes to Good Will. That was very hard and it was just a little WalMart bag. I don't know what the rest of the plans for the day are yet . We will have to see.

I'm Not Making It

I'm not making it. It took me three stores to pick up some cat liter and cat food. I now have two cats that I did not want. One is my daughter's who moved out of state 6 months before my son died and the other cat was his. Anyway I pasted by the men department store and had to leave crying. I next tried Chris' favorite store (it was never busy) and I couldn't even make it through the door. Finally I was able at some dollar store to get the supplies. May be it's because I ate too much. I am so sick at my stomach and discussed with myself.

Some Days

Some days I feel nothing. A cold empty house. Not even a glimmer of hope I will ever feel better. Today is that day. Tears are in vain. I can't even ask for help. I'll try to sleep.

Saw My Therapist Today

Saw my therapist today and she ask me how much weight I had lost. I told her I didn't know even thought I'm weighing 2-3 times per day. Right now I feel I don't have control of much in my life, so I might as well control what I eat. Besides I don't know if you eat in heaven and I feel guilty eating without Chris.
I also got a call from my ex-husband's sister wanting to meet for lunch. That was very strange since I haven't seen her in years. It went okay. Strange but okay. For those of you that don't know I picked a real bad one. He is serving 50 years for being a pedophile. After being molested myself you would have thought I would have seen the signs, but I didn't. Thank God we were all ready divorced when he went to trial.
I keep making it through may things. I'm not giving up yet.

Fake It

I used to make it through a lot of things by faking it. Maybe "fake it to you make it" is key. Today I could barely get out of bed. A lot of 3-D people think I'm fine. I'll get better because I'm a fighter. I don't think I'll ever be fine again.

What's Up With The Weather?

Yesterday it was a wonderful spring day in the upper 60's. Today we have 6-7 inches of snow! It's cold out there!

Slept Too Long

I was exhausted and could not get to sleep so I took a sleeper. I slept way too long! Almost 12 hours. That means tonight is really going to be messed up. Oh well. We will just have to see what happens tonight.

Going Through The Motions

Right now I am just going through the motions of being alive. I'm going to start a grief class on the 30th. It lasts for 12 weeks. Maybe that will help. Life seems so worthless right now. I don't enjoy anything. I keep blogging to get rid of these negative emotions. I scared myself today. I almost turned my car head on in front of a semi. I quickly thought of the diver of the semi. What had he done to deserve that. My blogging friends have really helped keep me going with their encouragement and prayers. Thank you.

I'm So Unhappy

I'm so unhappy I feel like I'm dying. I don't know if I can do this. I talked with my therapist today and I think I 'm in worst shape than ever. I just want the pain to stop.

6 Weeks

It's been 6 weeks now since I lost my son and I still cry every night. I been told that's too long. Others have told me it can take much longer. I don't know. It still seems like he just going to walk through that door again. That is never going to happen. It seems like I been through enough in my life that this just shouldn't of happened. I know bad things happen to good people. I know God still loves me. My heart is still so broken. I know you must be tired of hearing this,but it is the only thing on my mind now days. I try to do something everyday, even if it is wrong. :) Blogging helps because I know I have friends out there.

I'm Not Sure What To Say

I'm not sure what to say. I don't know how I feel. I saw my psychiatrist today. She thought my thought process was better and I was wearing makeup. She also noticed I had lost some weight. She is still very worried about me. I talked to my former pastor yesterday. He made me feel better. I'm doing simple task,but am not up to speed.

Some Days Are Better

Some days are better than others, but this is not one of the better days. I guess it because I got his death certificate today. I still can not believe he is gone. I just keep expecting to wake up and he will still be here. Please hold me up today.

Rain

It's been rainy and dreary here all day. I slept late today, because I had a bad headache. My gas tank was sucking flumes so I filled the tank. This has been a very unproductive day for me.

Tired

I'm so tired today. I haven't done that much. A little vacuuming, when to a couple of stores, changed the cat box and clean sheets on the bed. Egg rolls sounded good so I got a couple for dinner and the were so greasy I couldn't eat them. Right now diet Coke is the only thing that taste good. Well I've got a few more things to put up. I'll try to get around to a few blogs tonight.

I Miss You So Much

"the death of a child is still perhaps one of the most intense forms of grief, holding greater risk factors." Chris I hope you heard me as I rubbed your arm and sang to you. Oh Chris, I loved you so much. Even when the nurse told me to go home and let them take care of you I couldn't leave you. Even to the very last I thought you would pull through. I miss your laugh so much. Sometimes I don't think I'm going to make it, but I know you are looking down saying "it's alright Little Mama". I know you are in God's arms but I miss you so much. Your life was short but you touched many people on line. Just Google Chris Arthington to see all the wonderful things people had to say about him.

Better?

Everyone is telling me how much better I look and sound, yet every time my mind goes into neutral I just think about escaping this world. The next world has got to be better than this one. Maybe I just can't cry any more. That doesn't seem to be the truth. I'm crying now. Guess I'll try "happy" thoughts.

I Need to Write

Of all the pain I been through in my life losing Chris was the worst pain (and still is) I have ever felt. There is just something about losing your child that can not be put into words. We were both sick at the same time. He died and I lived. Why? I would have gladly gone in his place. He had so much more to experience in life. He had so much to offer. I appreciate everybody support. Your comments were a comfort to me. I have to believe he is with God now. It's the only thing that keeps me going.

Thank You

Thank you for your support and prayers through this difficult time. Wanda

In Loving Memory

In Loving Memory Of My Dear Son

updating

Hi, this is Peggikaye again. (Dreaming Again from the blog Pearls and Dreams).

I spoke with Wanda yesterday, the funeral for her son is tomorrow at 2. (central time) please keep her in your prayers, particularly during this time.

I'll get there, but just in time for the funeral, I won't be able to see her before, but will be there for her after the funeral.

The funeral is being performed at her church, by our former pastor, Randy Scott.

Please Pray

This is Wanda's friend, Peggikaye. She just called me to tell me that her son, Chris, passed away today.
He'd gotten a cold, then it went to pneumonia and then septicemia (sp?). He coded today and didn't make it.

She's going to let me know the details of his funeral. I'll post more when I know more if she doesn't have the chance or feel up to posting.

Update

I'm sorry I haven't felt like blogging. My doctor wanted to admit me today, but she giving the medication a few more days to kick in. It took every bit of strength I had to go to my psychiatrist. I am really not doing well. Thank you so much for checking in on me. I know I will cycle through this, but it is so hard.

One Hour at aTime

Sometimes one day at a time is more than we can handle. Right now it is one hour at a time. I have to tell myself I can do this with God's help one hour at a time. I really don't know why I am struggling so much right now, but I am. I have to make myself get out of bed and take care of the basics. I do believe it will get better. It is even hard to breath right now. I'm leaning on my faith and friends on line right now. I am hoping for a better tomorrow. With God all things are possible.

Pain

Curled up in a fetal position
Riveted with pain
Overwhelmed with guilt
Covered with shame
Crying for help
Afraid to move
So sick inside
When will it stop
If I'm really still
Maybe he will go away

Feeling Lost

I'm feeling a little lost the last few days. I do so want this new year to be better than last year. I am obsessed with food issues. The purging is not working so now I am trying restricting. The holidays are a bad time for food. I hate this, but it is all I can think about. My therapist is on a leave of absence right now. There are just to many ads on TV about losing weight. I know I need to lose weight. I just hate being obsessed.

Out WithThe Old In With The New.

Last year was a rough year. My health was a major reason for many of the problems. Therapy was very intense last year and I feel progress was made on healing from the past. My loss of job impacted me greatly. I have always felt comfort in doing it well. It was more than a financial lost. It was a hit on my ability to take care of myself. My support system is not as strong as it was. My best friend moved.

Next year I want to continue my therapy and healing process. I want to do as much as possible to try and improve my health. I want to begin sharing more of myself with others. Start writing about the abuse. I want to be able to help others more. By the end of next year I want to be a more trusting person than I am right now. I want to build a stronger support system.

I want to wish everyone a Happy New Year and thank everyone for all the support you have been for me. I feel I have truly made some last friendship through my blog. I am not alone. Thank you.

Snowing Again

It' snowing again. We almost never have a second snow before the first one is melted. They are working on the highways. The hospital have been full of falls with broken bones. We have had one exposure death. This is just unbelievable! I thankful to be in a warm house.

Really Struggling

I made it to my therapy and doctors appointment. In town the roads are in good shape. I have really been struggling really want to self harm, but know it will only let me feel better for a few moments. Therapy digging into my past has been so hard. Knowing how bad it was has made me so angry! I just want to tear something up. In fact I think I will find something harmless to destroy.

Still Snowed In

Since I have a small car and live a little ways out for the city, we are still snowed in. I have two doctors appointments tomorrow and I'm not sure I am going to be able to get out and go. It has warmed up some, but still well below freezing. The snow is nice to look at, but sure makes it hard to get around.

Merry Christmas

Cold Weather Moving in Tomorrow

As I am setting here listening to the rain I am thankful that the cold front has not gotten here yet. Tomorrow the rain will be changing to snow, so it looks like we will most likely have a white Christmas. We only average a white Christmas once in every 10 years. I think everybody was at Walmart today. I had to pick up some last minute supplies for Christmas dinner and did not want to do it tomorrow. The turkey is not thawing as fast as I had hoped. It has been in the refrigerator since Monday. I hope it continues to thaw out! I got to keep my eye on the pies that are in the oven. I got my Christmas card from my daughter today and cried like a baby. She said in the card not being at home was " a lot harder than she thought it would be." Of course I called her immediately. I hope everyone last minute plans are going well. Christmas day will soon be here.

AWARD

THANK YOU FOR THE AWARD! http://aurinnnworld.blogspot.com/ I know there is a better way to link but I don't know how to do it.

FIVE PEOPLE:

1. Just Be Real
2. Prayer Girl
3. Mike
4. 'Tart
5. Gaia

Please pass this on to 5 other friends. Note all my friends are welcome to this award!

Tears Behind The Smile

This is the season where there are a lot of tears behind the smiles. It seems everybody is busy shopping and exchanging gifts. Many people are hurting and do not allow anyone to see their pain. Suicides are high at this time of year. Depression seems greater when "everybody else" is so happy. Some times Christmas day can be the longest day of the year. I know because I am fighting with all my might to stay above the depression. It hard for me to say that because I try to hide what is going on inside. This blog has been a live saver for me. I can express some of my deepest wounds. I feel love and excepted here with all my flaws. Thank you each of you for your support and kindness this Christmas season.

Many are Struggling

Many people struggle with the Holidays. Past histories, bad memories, absences of family members, lack of money, food, and a thousand other reasons. I wish for all, no matter what is going on, that you find peace in the Holiday season.

Surround Us With Your Love

Dear Father,
Surround us with your love. May we feel peace and joy this day. Fill our hearts with your love for others. For those that are hurting wrap your arms around them. For those that are struggling with food give them peace. Bring your healing as only you can do. Bring comfort to the broken heart. I thank you for being You.

Peace and Happiness

Christmas is around the corner. I wish all my blogging friends peace and happiness.

Does't Everyone Feel This Way?

I'm bipolar and have episodes of severe depression. I some times want to die. I can't cook. I can't clean my house and some times don't get dressed for days. Getting out of bed can be a major undertaking. Does 't every one that has depression feel this way? I have been unable to work for a while. When I'm not depressed people like me. I cycle rapidly ( more than 3 times a year.) My therapist see me as a "very sad child". My psychiatrist is frustrated on the number of medication combination I have been on. I am very interested in hearing if this is so abnormal with my history of bipolar and abusive past. I do find some peace in knowing God cares for me, but He does not seem to help when I am so low.

Christmas Cats

OMG ECT

My doctor is wanting to refer me to check into see about ECT (electrical shock therapy). It scares the socks off me! My gut reaction is no way-not in this life time. Has anyone had any experience with this? My psychiatrist is worried about how rapid my bi-polar cycles and the severity of the cycles. Some side effect could be as follows."After receiving Electroshock Therapy, the patient may experience some confusion, nausea, short term memory loss, the inability to concentrate, back pain, muscle stiffness or headaches. There also may be a brief drop in blood pressure, an increase in heart rate or heart rhythm disturbances. Symptoms usually last for about 20-60 minutes following treatment and may be helped with aspirin. Some patients may experience longer-term memory problems." I am desperate for input!

A Bit Better

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, so I'm going to run with the feeling and thank God! I see my psychiatrist today to discuss my medicine. Maybe my bipolar cycle is getting ready to switch. I'll have to be careful with my money. I've dropped 5 lbs which is great over the holidays. In case things swing back or stop improving I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas now.

Intense Therapy

I just left an intense therapy session. I'm feeling drained and all cried out. My step dad was really twisted and sick. We talked how I am feeling abandonment issues right now that is making the depression worst. I am feeling raw right now. I am holding on to my friends, family, and faith.
You have all been super in supporting me. Thank you.

Unable to Blog

The depression has been so bad I have been unable to blog. I think I'm seeing a little relieve, but it is very slight. I'm not sure my psychiatrist and therapist are really working together right now. My therapist is having me do some intense work on my past. I'm not sure that is such a good idea with only two weeks left before she takes a break. I also think the holidays are playing a part of the depression. I just hanging in there with a hope this cycle will soon pass.

Thank You

Thank you Audrinna for the award. Thank everyone for you love and support through this difficult time. My doctor said the medication should be kicking in within the next couple of days. This award is available for everyone that has stood by my side.

Sad

I'm so sad. Nothing seems to break it. I had the pastor pray with me today. I feel like I'm going to split into pieces. I hurt so bad. I feel I am dying. The sadness is so great. Something has got to give soon! So many tears.I'm broken.

Therapist Leaving

My therapist told me today that she will be leaving Jan 1 for at least a month or maybe permanently. I just broke down and cried. It's very hard for me to relate to someone and now is not a good time. She said she would be available by phone. I just can not think about it right now. I suppose to do a drawing of anger by my next appointment Monday. I just can't think of this right now. I'm too upset!

No 24 Hour Cure

I know better, but I was really hoping to see some change in how I feel by now. It is still really rough. Between the physical pain and the depression it is hard to do anything. I'm still hanging in there, but am really struggling. Thank everyone for dropping by, it really helps. Hugs to all my friends.

I'm Hanging in There

Saw my therapist today and she wanted to admit me to the hospital. Instead we agreed to see my psychiatrist and a no self harm contract. My psychiatrist adjusted some medication and I see my therapist again on Friday. I'm still very very depressed, but feel I can be safe at home. Thank all of you for your support,words of encouragement, and prayers.

FAILURE

I feel like such a failure today. I can't seem to do anything right, Right now I just want to hide from the world and hurt myself. I see my therapist tomorrow, but that seems like a life time away. I can't stop crying and feel I am totally out of control. I want to drink myself numb and I don't even drink. I just am not coping at all right now! If I can just remember tomorrow will be better, I think I can make it through the night. Iam really hurting!

Out of Control

I hung in there for the holidays but I feel everything is coming apart at the seams. Holidays are hard for me, but I did good Thanksgiving day. It has been the days that follow that are really rough. My food is out of control, I binge then purge. I'm sick of this type of living. I sick of being depressed when everyone seems so happy. I'm tired of crying even if I know it is normal for the healing process. I think I am going to call my therapist. I am so sad I not sure I can wait until tomorrow.I'm going back to bed.

Black Friday

I WANT TO SPEND MONEY! It is black Friday, I'm manic, and broke. This is not good. I'm trying to keep myself busy around the house. Maybe I'll put up the Christmas tree. That would keep me busy. I hate when I get this way. I'll give the car keys to my son, so I can not go out shopping. Yes concentrating on decorating and that will keep me busy.

Busy

I'm getting ready for tomorrow. Cleaning, baking pies and making sure every thing is alright. Just want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving

Right now I am hurting both physically and emotionally, but I still have things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my children. I am thankful for my church. I am thankful for food on the table. I am thankful for my friends both on line and and three D. There is always something to be thankful for even in the hardest times. I wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving,

Extra Help For The Holidays

My therapist has increased how frequently she is seeing me right now due to the holidays. I will be seeing her weekly right now. She has been so good at helping me through some really rough spots. My psychiatrist had me see my PCP because of my purging. She had lab and ECG done. My ECG was abnormal so they have me set up for cardiology testing, My tremors have not improved, so they are going to send me to a neurologist. I am suppose to be keeping a food journal and be eating 6 small meals a day. That just seems so wrong to me. I almost never eat breakfast and some times no lunch. I am afraid of what is going to happen to my weight. I'm not a small person, so I think this is the wrong thing to do. It looks like I will be spending all my time and money on doctors. Wish me luck over the next couple of months. This is really a hard time for me. It will also be the first year that I will not be able to see my oldest child for the holidays.

Thank You

For all our Veterans Thank You !

Hope In Darkness

Hope can be what saves each one of us. We may find it it in a song. A kind word. The eyes of a child. It might come when we think we can no longer make it. It comes to each of us differently. Today I take hope instead of hopelessness.

I Can Not Control Everything

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Today this is what I need to remember. I can not control every thing. There are things that are out of my control. I need to place those in God's hand. Change what I can, but know what I can not change. I try so hard to control everything. I think I'm such a control freak because my past was so out of my control.

Feeling Almost Human

I am not sure what I had, but I sure am glad to feel almost human again. I think working in a doctors office can expose you to just about anything. I am still weak but so much better. I try to get around to some of your blogs, but it is going to be slow. I feel there is so much to catch up on.

Not Feeling Well

I have been under the weather. Hopefully I will soon feel better.

Stop Messing With Me

• I feel things are out of control and I can't manage them. God says I will supply all your needs.
• I am always worried and frustrated. God says cast your cares on Me.
• I can't figure things out right now. God says I will direct your path

I have to have something to stand on now. I am told if you speak the word then God can make things happen. A lot of bad stuff is going on right now, so it was important I write this post. If you pray please do so for me right now. I am at my wits end.

I Want To Encourage Someone

It seems a lot of my blogger friends are struggling now. I have been too. I am not sure the reason, but everyone seems down. This is a weekend, so let us all try to enjoy it. Find one thing that you feel good about. Just one thing and think about that. Mine is MY SON LOVES ME UNCONDITIONAL. That is cool. If everyone thinks of one thing what a list we would have. Let's try to reflect on one good thing today.

Walking In The Rain

A brisk walk in the rain felt good. The splashing in the puddles made me feel like a child. The cool drops splashing on my face and arms gave me goose bumps. It was nice to feel nature breathing on me. It seemed to help lift the depression. I enjoyed the time alone with nature and enjoyed the little things in life.

Who Would I Have Been?

If the abuse had not of happen, who would I have been. I am a very kind person who hate to see injustice to any human. I care deeply. I don't trust people easily. I don't like myself much. My faith is weaker than it should be. I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy. I am still hurting. I still have the nightmares. I am flawed. I am still alive. I have not totally given up. I still fight for the right. I HAVE ISSUES! Eating disorder,SI,plus a chemical imbalance. Will I ever know who I am? I feel so alone, but God says He will never leave or forsake me.

Need for Perfection

I really get down on myself if I feel I can not do something perfect. I don't think I am going to be able to work at different clinics because everything is done differently at each clinic. I must feel in total control and I don't. I am trying to pick up a few hours to supplement my disability. I used to be so good at my job, now doing any type of work is a struggle. How can so much be taken and you still have any confidence. I hate the shaking part. Just venting after a frustrating day.

Therarpist & Eating Disorder

Bulimia Nervosa

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"Bulimia nervosa is characterized by recurrent and frequent episodes of eating unusually large amounts of food (e.g., binge-eating), and feeling a lack of control over the eating. This binge-eating is followed by a type of behavior that compensates for the binge, such as purging (e.g., vomiting, excessive use of laxatives or diuretics), fasting and/or excessive exercise.

Unlike anorexia, people with bulimia can fall within the normal range for their age and weight. But like people with anorexia, they often fear gaining weight, want desperately to lose weight, and are intensely unhappy with their body size and shape. Usually, bulimic behavior is done secretly, because it is often accompanied by feelings of disgust or shame. The binging and purging cycle usually repeats several times a week. Similar to anorexia, people with bulimia often have coexisting psychological illnesses, such as depression, anxiety and/or substance abuse problems. Many physical conditions result from the purging aspect of the illness, including electrolyte imbalances, gastrointestinal problems, and oral and tooth-related problems.

Other symptoms include:

• chronically inflamed and sore throat
• swollen glands in the neck and below the jaw
• worn tooth enamel and increasingly sensitive and decaying teeth as a result of exposure to stomach acids
• gastroesophageal reflux disorder
• intestinal distress and irritation from laxative abuse
• kidney problems from diuretic abuse
• severe dehydration from purging of fluids

As with anorexia, TREATMENT FOR BULIMIA often involves a combination of options and depends on the needs of the individual.

To reduce or eliminate binge and purge behavior, a patient may undergo nutritional counseling and psychotherapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or be prescribed medication. Some antidepressants, such as fluoxetine (Prozac), which is the only medication approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration for treating bulimia, may help patients who also have depression and/or anxiety. It also appears to help reduce binge-eating and purging behavior, reduces the chance of relapse, and improves eating attitude."

I saw my therapist today and she was concerned about my SI and purging. She wants me to call her before I SI. She me if I can control the urge for 20 min it would pass. I think about it all the time. She is also concerned about my recent increase of laxatives and vomiting. I feel my weight is out of control, but this doesn't seem to be helping much. I just feel my whole life is out of control right now. I have to gain some control. She say I have control of my time and I need to be attending some group meeting. We talked a lot about weight issues today and my eating disorder. I still very depressed.

Will I Ever Get Better?

My journey has been a long one. The night mares and flashbacks. What I do to myself. The cutting, the vomiting, laxatives, and self loathing. I never can measure up. I'm always flawed. My therapist says she wish I could see what she sees in me. I hurt so bad I feel my chest is going to burst. I feel my life is spiralling out of control. I try to do things that are helpful to other people. I try to hold on to my faith. HOW DO YOU HANG ON WHEN EVERYTHING IS BROKEN? I am really struggling.

Rapid- Cycling Bipolar Disorder

"Some people may be diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. This is when a person has four or more episodes of major depression, mania, hypomania, or mixed symptoms within a year. Some people experience more than one episode in a week, or even within one day. Rapid cycling seems to be more common in people who have severe bipolar disorder and may be more common in people who have their first episode at a younger age. One study found that people with rapid cycling had their first episode about four years earlier, during mid to late teen years, than people without rapid cycling bipolar disorder. Rapid cycling affects more women than men.

Bipolar disorder tends to worsen if it is not treated. Over time, a person may suffer more frequent and more severe episodes than when the illness first appeared. Also, delays in getting the correct diagnosis and treatment make a person more likely to experience personal, social, and work-related problems.

Proper diagnosis and treatment helps people with bipolar disorder lead healthy and productive lives. In most cases, treatment can help reduce the frequency and severity of episodes."

Friend Moving

One of my best friends is moving. She sold her house and will be moving to a different town. Right now she will be moving in with her daughter. We do things together on the weekends, so I am really going to miss her. We will still talk on the phone, but it won't be the same as going out to lunch. This is really going to be hard on me. I'm crying right now just thinking about it. I hate emotions!

Couting Sheep, Chicks or What Ever

Well counting sheep,chicks or what ever isn't working. So what's new? Another night reading blogs and flipping through the stations on the TV. Bad thing is I got a early morning meeting with my therapist. Maybe that's the problem. I think too much. Therapy has been rough recently. May be it is scaring me off. If things get too overwhelming I freak out and shut down when things get too intense. I didn't sleep last night either. Nightmares. I hate PTSD. I least I know I am not alone. I have meet so many kind blogger that have really help me. For this I am thankful. It is great to me able to express yourself and feel the love and support of other. It is nice to know you are not alone.

Friends ,Faith , & Family

Today is a good day to remember the three most important"F's" in our lives.

1. Friends. They know when to say the right words to encourage us, or push us pass a point we can't get over by ourselves. They laugh with us, cry with us and are always there for us.
2. Faith. Something to believe in when nothing looks bright. A hope and joy in times of sadness. Words of wisdom to live by.
3. Family. My son is always there to remind me that no matter what happen in the past good can come from life.
   

A Break

My emotions are all over the place. From giddy to crying my eyes out. I am spending the evening with a friend, so maybe that will help. I am really tired of the crying. Just dinner and a movie, but at least I'll be out of the house.

Medication Adjustment

Due to some side effects my psychiatrist is making medication adjustments again. I'm nervous and anxious today. She is decreasing my Depakote and increasing my Abilify. I heard some bad things about Abilify, so I am a little concerned. I am suppose to check in with her after the weekend. She is very good about getting back with me. I think she is a concerned doctor that really cares about her patients. I feel lucky that she has been so good to me. These emotions are like being on a roller coaster . You would think I would be used to it by now!

How I Contribute to My Own Rejection

This is what my therapist want me to write about. How I contribute to my own rejection. I believe I expect that things are always going to go wrong, so I guess that can be seen as a negative person. I know I am very compassionate, so that not a problem. I really don't like myself, so maybe that comes across. To me is seems most people like me, but I just can not let anyone close. I tend to push people away I think. I fear rejection more than I need to. I don't know. I going to have to think about this one.

Psychiatris

Well I just finished seeing my psychiatrist and she is making some med changes. I am hoping this will help the tremors and decrease my appetite. She is now having me weigh in and keep a nutritional log. She doe not want my calorie intake to drop below 1500 calories, which seems like a lot to me. She doesn't trust that I won't just drop the calories to almost nothing myself.Tomorrow it is the therapist where most of the real work is done. For now that is all I can think of.

Wide Wake

Despite the fact I have taken a sleeping pill, I'm wide wake. I'm having trouble shutting down my mind that is racing at 100 miles per hour. Too many things going on.
I see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I am going to ask her if one of my new medicines is causing me to shake. Some times it is so bad I can't get my fork or spoon to my mouth without dropping the food. My hand writing is now barely legible. Typing has become quite difficult. Anyway something has caused this and needs to be addressed.
Tuesday I see my therapist and boy do I have a lot to discuss with her. I have been following Just Be Real posts from the book The Courage to Heal and it has been very triggering, I think this is a good thing for me. The book has open up a lot of questions on my own healing.
I really guess I should try to get some sleep. I have already cleaned the house and there is nothing on TV.

Memories

Therapy seems to be causing me to have increased memories and flash backs. The last two days has been very intense. I am having a lot of body memories. My sleep is restless and I am very tense. I believe this will be a good thing, but it is rough right now. I hoping someday total healing will come. I am hoping that remembering the abuse will open up the door for some good memories to come back also. I have almost no memories prior to my 18th birthday. I would like to think that there was some good in my childhood.

9/11/09

Let us remember 9/11/01 and pray for those lives that were forever changed.

SUICIDE

Today is suicide prevention day. I have been there thinking it was the only answer. IT IS NOT! Suicide is not painless. It causes great pain to those we leave behind. Yes there is always someone that will be greatly affected.

If you are in a suicide crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK

God Cares

I'm tired and in pain today, so I must go to my chart about what God says.

God Says: My grace is sufficient for you ( II Corinthians 12:9)
God Says: I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28-30)

This helps knowing He cares for me. My emotions are frazzled. I think I'm a mess, but God is there. I know without Him I would not be able to make it some days.

Sometimes I question these truths because of things that have happen, but again I know He must care.

Flashback

*******Possible triggering*******

I still can not see the face of my stepfather. I feel the restraints on my limbs as I am held tightly down. The smell of alcohol and tobacco are strong. There is pain in my vaginal area and burning as he penetrates me. He is so strong and I am so small. He makes moaning noises as he continues to relieve himself. When he is finished he tells me "little girls who tell stories disappear and are never seen again." I hurt and cry all alone. I feel dirty and unclean. I want to die, yet live.

My Son

I fear my son might be undiagnosed bipolar. He is being treated for anxiety and depression, but he has really bad mood swing. His sleep is erratic and seems to have fits of anger. Some times he will go days without sleep. I wish his psychiatrist would look more closely to see if he is indeed bipolar. He is about the age I was when I was first diagnosis as being bipolar.

Sleep

Seems all I can do for the past few days is sleep. I am so depressed I can not stand to be awake to think about anything. I will do just about anything right now to not think. I keep crying and I hate that. I do that alone where no one can see me. Why can I not accept that things may always be this away. I hate my mood swings. I hate the side effects of my medicine. Right now I just want to stop crying.

Anxiety

I'm having anxiety today about my lost of income. I still can get calls to come in and work, but I do not have any guarantees. I already stress every month over making it. I'm also very nervous about working at different places. I am trying to relax and believe this is for my own good, but I am having trouble with that. With my new medicines I have tremors that are worst when I am stressed, so I am very concerned. I wonder if this is a test of my faith. "All things work together for the good of them that love Him." Maybe this will build back some of the confidence I have lost over the last couple years. Right now I'm still in the anxiety mode.

Rough Day

Today has been a rough day.

1. Found out today the clinic I've been working part time no longer needs me. Cost cut backs. I can not say it was a total shock,but still is going to make things more difficult. I'm having some side effects from my medication which makes it difficult to type. I never know till the morning if I am needed to work.
2. Found out that I had hurt my son feeling by not offering to take him to see a movie the other day. Offered today but there was nothing showing he wanted to see,
3. Really rough therapy session. When she asked what I liked about myself physically, I said nothing. I see myself as fat and ugly. Something no one would want. We talked about the hurting child inside me and my lack of feeling safe.We talked about my dreams.
   
4. I'm in a lot of physical pain today.
5. I'm sad today.